Tag Archives: relationships

Vibrant – Ganache and Clunky Clogs

I guess it is only fitting to follow up “I’m The Ugliest Girl I Know” with another chapter in my Journey to Vibrant. When you are dealing with chronic illness, you find you have to give up a lot of things that brought you joy just because it is too painful (physically and emotionally) to …

Breathing

I had a whole other blog post half-written, but when I came back to it, none of the bipolar drama mattered any more.

There was a theme of WANTING this summer, but we all know wanting comes from believing there is a hole in our soul that needs filling.  The cure for wanting isn’t changing our bodies or our location, it isn’t filling that hole with stuff or people.  The cure for wanting is to sit with it, cup it gently in our own two hands, breathe it in and out.  Then, we remember we are whole where and when we are.

I’ve been thinking about turning 60 in a couple of months.  I don’t usually pay attention to birthdays, but this is kind of a milestone for me.  See, I never expected to live to see 60.  In the back of my mind, far from consciousness, I think I was marking time until I made a decision to exit this world.  Turning 60 means I’ve made a different kind of decision.

At first I didn’t think I’d created much of a life—it certainly didn’t look like the life I imagined for myself when I was a girl.  But when one of my mental health gurus said, “I’ve always thought you were good at living,” I reconsidered.

My sister’s husband died three weeks ago after a long illness.  She had been preparing for that eventuality—buying a home in Oklahoma where her son and his family live, clearing out sheds and closets—but the last six months of constant caregiving along with Hospice drained her life energy.

I supported her the best I could.  When the time came, I stood beside her as her husband died and when some of his family members got ugly.  I stood at the graveside with one arm around my tall, cowboy nephew, and the other around his little son, and I felt alive with love for my family. Last week, my sis and I packed our vehicles with the last of her things and caravanned to her new permanent home.

Yesterday I returned to my home of geriatric (and complaining) cats, art projects in progress, the last week of water walking at the Aquatic Center before it closes for the season, watching the addictive drama of Big Brother with my friends, coffee and movies and lunches with other friends, meeting the interim minister at church and volunteering to lead a SoulMatters group.

I think it’s time to give up my hair shirt.  It’s time to embrace the good life I’ve created and allow forgiveness to become part of it.  Today, all I want is to be content, to be grateful.

Breathing in, I choose the Adventure.

♥ ♥ ♥

P.S. Happy Birthday, Richard.


How did we get here?

The long list of damage I’ve done in my marriage is overwhelming sad, and true. No one outside of us could ever understand. I’m thinking about renting a studio for like 2 months. Give each other space and maybe relearn/remember why we like each other. I need to learn how to be alone and fulfill myself. I haven’t been at hospital stage lately, but had intense anxiety and mood swings. He doesn’t have the energy right now to worry about me. Maybe space will help. Have fun dates. I can’t handle knowing how much pain I have caused him. It hurts too much. Take away the obligation of him taking care of me for a short while. Take away the obligation of pretending all is well. I can’t afford prices on my own for more than 2 months.

This plan feels right.  Its better than packing my bags and running altogether. I can still see my therapist. Keep my job.  Am I full of sh*t?  Trying to convince myself this makes total sense when it’s completely insane. I don’t know.  Perhaps. Probably. But, maybe not.

I found this meme thinking it was for my husband.  Actually, I think it’s for me. I’m lost. Can I find myself again?


The Park As Good Medicine – Part III

The Human Factor “Where’s Your Walker?” “How’s Violet’s Ear?” “Here, have a seat, I insist.” “We missed you yesterday.” “What does chronic pain mean?” These are a few of the things I hear almost every day – no make that every TIME I go to the dog park because it is two to three times …

Ambling Through Life…Or Is It Mental Illness?

Please Note: This piece is written solely from a personal perspective. I am in no way implying that anyone with low grades or laziness has a mental illness. I remember back in Grade 8 my English teacher told my parents … Continue reading

Reblog – Clay Balls

Originally posted on Postscript (P.S.):
A man was exploring caves by the seashore. In one of the caves he found a canvas bag with a bunch of hardened clay balls. It was like someone had rolled clay balls and…

Paper Tea and Five Flavour Life Savers

One of my favourite relatives was my Mom’s Aunt Annie. She, along with her father, sister May, and my Mom’s Dad, Wilfred, came to Canada when Annie was in her early twenties. They all lived in a small house in … Continue reading

The Park As Good Medicine – Part 1

If you have been following my blog for any length of time, you will know that: I have many types of chronic illness but I make the most out of life I can. I live with my hubby and our … Continue reading

Commitment Issues!

Daily Post – Commit It is funny that the word commit can conjure up fear in the hearts of many and soothe the soul of others at the same time. Many people, both men and women, are afraid of committing … Continue reading

The Eiffel Tower

When we were house-hunting back in April, we noticed a fun fact. Several of the places had large murals of the Eiffel Tower on the wall. Others had smaller pictures of the French icon. We were laughing with the realtors … Continue reading