Tag Archives: real bipolar

Scars and Egos and Finding the Truth

 

my biggest episode….arguably

it was the one that led me to my diagnosis…

and it also involved meds that were hell for me…

i felt like a house that had been set on fire….

and while the shell was left….

from the outside everything fine

the inside was burnt

devastated….

like a forest after a forest fire…

the lush life that once danced in a rich wovenness through the fabric of it all

gone and not just gone

devastated

that was my brain

i do believe that there was a chemical fire in my brain

and i do believe that my synapse chemical brain structure forest must have looked different

devastated

changed forever

a havoc the previous episodes had never come close to wreaking

and in my heart soul spirit emotional center self place…

same thing

burnt out

deadened

devastated

and i felt lost

i didn’t feel like “myself”

i didn’t know who i was

anymore

i was confused by the diagnosis and everything

and everything inside the shell had been burned out…taken

i longed for a way BACK

i desperately sought and brainstormed ways to get

BACK

i wanted who i WAS back

i wanted to go back to who i HAD BEEN

but there is no RE in REcover

and there is no backwards

there is only forwards

and there is no

REcreating yourself

there is only…..

CREATING YOURSELF

only

BECOMING

i was never going to go back to who I had been (not talking mere personality and passion here)…

i was going to have to BECOME

more

more than i was

many people experience events in life which strip them of everything….

events that take your ego and ruthlessly dash it upon the rocks

leaving you with shattered ego pieces…

the pieces of the identity and person and life that you so painstakingly constructed and protected

and it leaves you alone with them…

your ego never goes back together in the same way

you have been changed (scarred?) forever

and it can break you….

and then…

(i believe)

it can make you

not reclaim

but discover…

a real you

the real you

 

the truth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Filed under: Deep SHit, Never Never Never Give Up Tagged: deep shit, real bipolar

Scars and Egos and Finding the Truth

 

my biggest episode….arguably

it was the one that led me to my diagnosis…

and it also involved meds that were hell for me…

i felt like a house that had been set on fire….

and while the shell was left….

from the outside everything fine

the inside was burnt

devastated….

like a forest after a forest fire…

the lush life that once danced in a rich wovenness through the fabric of it all

gone and not just gone

devastated

that was my brain

i do believe that there was a chemical fire in my brain

and i do believe that my synapse chemical brain structure forest must have looked different

devastated

changed forever

a havoc the previous episodes had never come close to wreaking

and in my heart soul spirit emotional center self place…

same thing

burnt out

deadened

devastated

and i felt lost

i didn’t feel like “myself”

i didn’t know who i was

anymore

i was confused by the diagnosis and everything

and everything inside the shell had been burned out…taken

i longed for a way BACK

i desperately sought and brainstormed ways to get

BACK

i wanted who i WAS back

i wanted to go back to who i HAD BEEN

but there is no RE in REcover

and there is no backwards

there is only forwards

and there is no

REcreating yourself

there is only…..

CREATING YOURSELF

only

BECOMING

i was never going to go back to who I had been (not talking mere personality and passion here)…

i was going to have to BECOME

more

more than i was

many people experience events in life which strip them of everything….

events that take your ego and ruthlessly dash it upon the rocks

leaving you with shattered ego pieces…

the pieces of the identity and person and life that you so painstakingly constructed and protected

and it leaves you alone with them…

your ego never goes back together in the same way

you have been changed (scarred?) forever

and it can break you….

and then…

(i believe)

it can make you

not reclaim

but discover…

a real you

the real you

 

the truth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Filed under: Deep SHit, Never Never Never Give Up Tagged: deep shit, real bipolar

Scars and Egos and Finding the Truth

 

my biggest episode….arguably

it was the one that led me to my diagnosis…

and it also involved meds that were hell for me…

i felt like a house that had been set on fire….

and while the shell was left….

from the outside everything fine

the inside was burnt

devastated….

like a forest after a forest fire…

the lush life that once danced in a rich wovenness through the fabric of it all

gone and not just gone

devastated

that was my brain

i do believe that there was a chemical fire in my brain

and i do believe that my synapse chemical brain structure forest must have looked different

devastated

changed forever

a havoc the previous episodes had never come close to wreaking

and in my heart soul spirit emotional center self place…

same thing

burnt out

deadened

devastated

and i felt lost

i didn’t feel like “myself”

i didn’t know who i was

anymore

i was confused by the diagnosis and everything

and everything inside the shell had been burned out…taken

i longed for a way BACK

i desperately sought and brainstormed ways to get

BACK

i wanted who i WAS back

i wanted to go back to who i HAD BEEN

but there is no RE in REcover

and there is no backwards

there is only forwards

and there is no

REcreating yourself

there is only…..

CREATING YOURSELF

only

BECOMING

i was never going to go back to who I had been (not talking mere personality and passion here)…

i was going to have to BECOME

more

more than i was

many people experience events in life which strip them of everything….

events that take your ego and ruthlessly dash it upon the rocks

leaving you with shattered ego pieces…

the pieces of the identity and person and life that you so painstakingly constructed and protected

and it leaves you alone with them…

your ego never goes back together in the same way

you have been changed (scarred?) forever

and it can break you….

and then…

(i believe)

it can make you

not reclaim

but discover…

a real you

the real you

 

the truth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Filed under: Deep SHit, Never Never Never Give Up Tagged: deep shit, real bipolar

Crossing the Line Into Crazy-Can you tell when You’ve gone too far?

There is that line that you can cross…the line in between “reaction” or “normal idea” into “over reaction” and “extreme idea”

And then there is the next line…the one that crosses over into

Bipolar Reaction

and

Bipolar idea

.

And these things always start out in truth.  IN actual REALITY.

There are reasonable reasons

You may even have your friends on board

It all makes SENSE

.

Until it doesn’t

.

Silly example

Reasonable reason- “I need shoes to wear.  I have no shoes to wear”

Reasonable action- “I will buy a pair or two of shoes”

Over reaction-“I should take advantage of this shoe sale and stock up!”

Bipolar reaction-“THIS IS SUCH A GREAT SALE I SHOULD BUY A TON OF  SHOES EVEN THE ONES THAT ARE FUGLY AND THAT I WOULD NEVER BE CAUGHT DEAD IN BECAUSE ya know I NEED SHOES!”

.

Significant other says

“Why’d you buy so many shoes?”

Reasonable answer-“I needed shoes.  I didn’t have any shoes.”

“Yeah but why did you buy so many?”

Extreme answer- “Well because they were on sale and I like REALLY needed them.”

“Okay but why did you buy all of these ones you won’t even wear?………”

Bipolar answer-……………………..”ummmmmmm yeah hmmm I don’t know…………”

Ding ding ding Bipolar!

.

But this goes for anything…everything…

whether it is rear ending someone or knocking over your recycling can or wanting to add “cozy accents” to your living room to um trying to cut out processed foods…..

There are lines

lines to leap over

or ooze over

or stumble over

but they are there

.

And for some reason…at least for me…

they are only visible when they are behind me.

I cannot seem to ever see them coming…to ever notice myself crossing them….

well actually I do…I do a lot of times now…but of course it is the times that I don’t that stick with me…

the times that I DON’T catch myself in time to save myself the shame and embarrassment and face palming and money …..those are what I am thinking about

.

because it always makes sense

until it doesn’t

there are always good reasons…

but those good reasons usually only apply to the normal reaction and maybe half of the over reaction

by the time you get to the Bipolar reactions/actions those reasons no longer justify the thoughts feelings behavior and proclamations

.

But what can be tricky is that sometimes these extreme Bipolar reactions/actions are not visible and our friends can carry on fueling our crazy without meaning to

if we don’t TELL our friends honestly about the extent of what is happening in our heads…they will valiantly keep validating the emotions that we ARE communicating and to us this can feel like a validation of what we are NOT saying…

.

I feel like a lot of the time with Bipolar I am driving a car backwards.  The speed picks up and I think “hmm what is happening here?  Are we going faster?”

and then I hit the tree behind me and bam there in front of me is that damn line

and I’m all like

“oohhhhhhhh I get it now.  I guess that WAS kinda crazy”

.

I have no idea how to become more aware of the lines

except to just try to become more aware of them

that is very helpful I know

sorry

but it is worth it to try

because it is always better to say…

“Whoa this is getting weird…”

than to say

“Whoa WHAT am I DOING?”

than to say

“God in heaven…WHAT HAVE I DONE??????”

.

and I have no idea how you’re actually supposed to get over the shame that can come with these things.

It’s Bipolar

Shame Happens

I’ll make T shirts

HA.

Peace Love and Walking the Lines


Filed under: Sometimes we just feel All Bipolar Tagged: mania, real bipolar