Tag Archives: mania

Another Solider: Anthony Bourdain

I am so so surprised.

What happened? Did he leave any note? Man, I remember watching him and wanting to be him. Wanting to live his life.

His life was just like mine.

Another Solider: Anthony Bourdain

I am so so surprised.

What happened? Did he leave any note? Man, I remember watching him and wanting to be him. Wanting to live his life.

His life was just like mine.

Another Solider Lost: Kate Spade

Goodbye Kate.

Your battle is over.

I’m sorry Mental Illness took you but don’t worry, millions of people will look at your story and decide suicide is not for them.

Suicide is not for you. It’s not for anyone.

Until next time…RIP

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.cbsnews.com/amp/news/kate-spade-suicide-andy-spade-statement-after-designers-death-today-2018-06-06/

Gun Violence: The New Mental Illness 🤔

I recently got back into magazine and I got a subscription to People.

Every week in people there is a real story about a real tragedy that always involves Mental Illness.

Instead of talking about Mental Illness and signs to help loved ones (so you dont tragically end of like that) they talk about why you wear orange…for fun violence.

Gun violence? This man was going through severe depression and shoots himself and you blame the gun? You said before that your dad bought the gun he was okay. (or was he?) Something happened to make him not okay

It wasn’t the gun.

I think if we focus more on the root of the tree, we could get to why the branches we acting crazy..

The Eyes Have It

One of the funny/strange things about bipolar disorder is the way people’s eyes change when they’re in a mood episode.

Seriously. I can always tell when I’m manic, even when I don’t think so otherwise, because my eyes actually sparkle and change colors. My hazel irises turn green and there’s this slightly mad look in them that tends to make others wonder just what I might be up to. My eyes also widen and the pupils dilate; friends call this phenomenon “psycho eyes”. If you’ve ever seen the Vraylar commercials on TV, they show a woman whose eyes do pretty much the same thing, which is about the only realistic part of the ad (come on, when you’re really manic you don’t even know where the sticky notes are, let alone have them lined up neatly on your office window).

Eyes also tend to change when you’re depressed, although not as dramatically. Mine will darken and take on a sad, dispirited look that gives me away even when I tell people “I’m fine”. My parents told me my face was way too easy to read, which is something I’ve spent a lifetime unsuccessfully trying to overcome because I was often punished for letting my emotions show. It’s tough facing the world sometimes when you know anyone with the emotional IQ of a seventh-grader can tell that something’s wrong.

My youngest son, Ethan, could assess my feelings even when he was three years old. I remember one evening in particular when I was putting him to bed, and he began asking me questions. “Mom, are you sad? Mom, are you mad?” he inquired, obviously concerned about me. At the time I didn’t think I was either, but sometimes my resting bitch face causes people to assume I’m upset and trying to hide it. Rather than try to explain my apparent funk, I told him I had a headache, and he said “You need an aspirin!” His ability to ‘diagnose’ problems has also served him well in his nursing career so far. LOL.

But it’s the mania that really brings out the crazy in my peepers. I have been told at various times that they almost glitter, and that it’s kind of frightening for the people who know me well. Others mistakenly believe I’m just super happy, and for the most part I’m content to let them think that. Believe it or not, I have a few friends who have NO idea whatsoever that I’m bipolar and I’m not about to let that cat out of the bag. They all came from a time when mental illness was something to be ashamed of and thus wasn’t often talked about, so I simply let them think I’m perfectly normal…and if by chance someone remarks about my wide-open, sparkly eyes, I only tell them I’m having a really good day.

Julie A. Fast, a well-known bipolar expert who herself suffers from bipolar 2, has actually posted pictures of herself in both mania and depression in BP Magazine, and it’s very easy to tell which mood state she’s in. I’ll do the same here one day if I can ever think to take photos when I’m one way or the other.

Speaking of moods, I seem to have returned to baseline for the most part…just in time to see Dr. Goodenough this coming Wednesday. I will, of course, have to fill him in on how I’ve been flipping in and out of hypomania this spring, and he may not be very thrilled with me given his repeated requests that I call in to report any deviation from stable and I haven’t done it. I will also have to tell him about my screwy sleep patterns; I sleep nine or 10 hours some nights, and two or three hours on others. Wednesday night I didn’t sleep at all, and last Friday I was up for 36 hours straight. And I wasn’t even tired. That’s never a good sign. So it’s probably going to mean an increase in meds, and not a decrease like I would have liked. We shall see.

 

 

 

Authority vs. Mental Illed Woman.

I just shared with my boss that I’m kind of feeling salty about going down to part time. The reason I had to was because of horrible family issues.

His response was.. “well just do what I tell you and you’ll be fine”

🙄🤔

WHAT!? Do what you tell me to do? Is This isn’t a hierarchy. Is This is the ThunderDome? When was the time I did everything you tell me to and I felt fine about it?

My mental illness makes me hold on to everything and THAT was definitely something you shouldn’t have said.

Now.. I’ll probably do something shitty and regret it later but at least I know what a trigger is for me….

A U T H O R I T Y.

Kanye West, Welcome to the Club.

Hello Kayne.

Everyone here has been waiting for you. It’s cool. No judgment. The only thing we require is for you to be open, proactive, and try to get help. I’m not the right person to tell you that though, but it helps. 

Anyways, thank you and welcome abroad. If you have any questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to reach out to any one of us. There are about, umm, I don’t know, billions. ✌🏿

OhTemp

Kanye West dropped his new album “Ye” on Friday. In it, he says he has bipolar disorder and calls the mental illness his “superpower.” The controversial statement follows several months of recent controversy on Twitter in which the artist proclaimed his support for President Trump, opined that “love is infinite,” and alleged that slavery was […]

via Kanye West says he’s bipolar on his new album — here’s what that really means — Headlines

Don’t Look Back. You Should Never Look Back.

Fuck that title.

Today I’m doing some major reflecting.

I really don’t feel like paying a person to talk to them about my past and see what the issues are, so I guess I’d rather do it myself.

For free. Badly.

I’ve been thinking about the times in the past that I have been happy. The 90s were an easier and happier time for me. Meeting my husband and moving out of my Nana House was happy. When I was doing magazine stuff and going out and talking to people made me happy.

I’m trying to understand my horrible depressed moody mind so I don’t fall in the same old trips.

I’m tired of this

2:06am

What are YOOUU doing up?

Me? Once I wake up for my son, I’m up for 2 hours. My mind is running about everything that has ever happened to me.

😞

Although I’ve always been a night owl. Nighttime is peaceful and quiet, but my life and priorities have changed. I’m the same mentally illed lady just world shift.

Any else trying to hold on to bad habits but know your lifestyle has changed. Congrats! I’m you…only more depressed.

2:16a

No connection. Please wait..

My husband recently told me that he hasn’t been feeling like we’ve been connecting.

Yup. I told him I believe it. I don’t feel connected to anything lately. My whole life right now feels like I could give a damn.

Every chance I get I try to take a breather outside the house because I feel overwhelmed all the time, by everything.

I told him it’s my mental illness and that help is on the way but until then I’ll try to make more of an effort.

This is my way to say: “yeah right”