Tag Archives: life

I have this feeling……..

Sometime last week this feeling started and it hasn’t gone away. Like something bad is going to happen or someone I love is hurting. But I haven’t figured out what it is. It’s driving me crazy!!

After not having all my meds last month I thought when I got them back I would go back to being ok. But it’s like not taking it changed something inside me and now it doesn’t work the same. I don’t like it because it won’t go away until I figure it out or talk to the right person.

Something else that’s strange is that I have found myself just sitting and watching TV. I’m sure you’re thinking that’s not weird. But it is for me. I basically never sit still and just do one thing. I see or play on my tablet. Something to keep my mind busy. Always. I take my crochet stuff with me to groups, and other outings. If I don’t have that I’m on my phone. It’s scares me a little that that has changed. I can see the benefit and it would be nice to just sit and watch a show. But it’s really not me and I do t like it.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my narcissistic personality disorder diagnosis. I know I need to go into my hole and do my research and make sure I know everything that is possible to know. So that I can talk about it and educate people.

But it scares me. This is different from the bipolar in many ways and I know that. And I don’t know what will happen when I finish my research. Not to mention that in many ways I’m ashamed to tell anyone about this. Our society throws around the word narcissist to the point where everyone seems to be a narcissist and therefore it doesn’t really mean anything.

Next to almost losing my husband this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. This is a personality disorder. Which means it effects me everyday and with every interaction. How am I supposed to figure out what parts of who I am are bad and which ones are good. It’s not like you get a warning or anything. And it’s extremely hard to start looking at your interactions under a microscope and figure out what needs to be changed.

I’m kind of suffering a why me crisis at the moment. No one really sees it because there’s really no point in growing a pity party. But I hate this!! I hate even more that I’m the only one in the family that has this. Because there’s no one that relates and can truly understand. My Mom really tries I think. She listens when I try to explain how I think and how I used to think before being medicated. But none of them know, and that makes it really lonely sometimes. I can try to put this all in a box, and I do. If I didn’t it would consume me. But every once in a while it comes out and it’s pretty bad inside my head. And I kind of get stuck there for a few days or weeks. I am see it and I don’t want to do it, but it’s like I have to. It’s a compulsion that won’t let me go until I face it.

So I have this feeling……

And I’m scared to. face this massive issue. But I know that I have to in order to come out on the other side. So I guess we are going down the rabbit hole……

The Park as Good Medicine – Part 7

Family Reunion Every time I think this series is over, something else happens to earn another chapter! I have talked about Miley, the cute little Mexican rescue dog we adopted last September. She was found by the side of the road in a plastic garbage bag with her 5 siblings by a volunteer from the …

SLS 04/08/2019 – “Heartlight”

Okay, I am a little late on this one, but I didn’t want to pass up a chance to write about the guy I have had a crush on for 50 years – Neil Diamond. He, along with Burt Bacharach and Carol Bayer Sager, was inspired by the movie “ET” to write a song. I believe it …

Parenting

I just want to start by saying my views on this topic and are very general, as there are so many different people, and kids, and families mixed together. I also want to say that I did not have any specific in mind as I thought about what I wanted to say.

People don’t know how to parent. And no one ever teaches you how to. It’s like you just have to guess and hope and pray that you get it right. Except too many kids are growing up in homes where parents aren’t parenting or are blaming any issues on their children. Our kids start learning the moment they are born. As they learn to walk and talk they are learning, from you, how they will react to the world and the people in it.

Too many people spend about zero time thinking about the way their kids feel and who they are as people. I don’t parent any of my kids the same way. They aren’t the same person why would I parent them all the same. I started teaching them things as early as I could. As soon as they could demonstrate they wanted candy or a toy I made them put it on the register to be paid for. When they were 2 or 3, maybe even younger they “helped” me by taking their clothes to the drawer or taking towels to the bathroom. They have never had hard chores. But they do have chores. While we help them if they have school stuff or are sick, they do their chores when they need done. Trash, unload dishwasher, clean microwave, etc. This year my 12 and 14 year olds will share the job of mowing the lawn. Not because my husband and I can’t but because we want them to know what work is and we want them to be good workers as adults.

I have always talked to my kids. About anything and everything(age appropriate when necessary). They have always asked me questions and shared things with me. As they have gotten older I have it only have but start conversations that were not by any means easy. I have talked to them about sex. I have talked to them about friends and not only being kind but standing up for someone if you see them being mistreated. In our house if we ever find out you DIDN’T stand up for someone you will be in much more trouble than if you DO stand up for them. I have talked about parties and drinking and drugs. Mostly telling them not to do it but also telling them that if they ever need someone I want the first call to be me. I said/say these things a lot. I tell their friends to. I have told Lily that if something happens and she doesn’t call me I will be upset with her. I have told them if they ever find themselves as a party NEVER to get in a car and drive or get in a friends car if there is drinking involved. I would rather you stay where you are than have to get that phone call.

But I talk to them about other things too. Anything and everything. I MAKE the time to go to their rooms where they are comfortable and sit down and chat with them. There’s nothing like having your 19 year old ask for advice. I talk to 5em about their friends. I want them to know that I WANT to know their friends. And I want them to know that even when things happen with their friends that I don’t agree with I still WANT them to be friends with them. I am trying to teach them how to live in the world but not be of the world. They don’t have to do all the things their friends do in order to function in life. My daughter has a couple “friends” that I severely limit her time with. These people were given more than one chance not to treat my daughter badly, and I don’t care if they are 12 my daughter will NOT be subjected to that. But I talked to my daughter through every step in the process. Through the 3 chances to get it right. I told her they got one more chance and then I could be the mean Mom I didn’t care I wasn’t gonna have her suffer because I wouldn’t put my foot down. I tell her not to listen to people on a regular basis and I do my best to explain why. I am teaching her to know people and read people. I saw it in my older son as well. I have seen him make choices his first year of college that next to no other college freshman would make. Because he wasn’t sheltered. He didn’t feel like he was getting out and he could do whatever he wanted, well maybe a little, but he was pretty much allowed to do whatever he wanted at home as long as he talked to us. Because like it or not it IS absolutely to be respectful and considerate of the people you live with. And I’m not talking about chores and food and such. I’m talking about letting people know what is going on. I’m talking about letting the people you live with know if you won’t be home. Our oldest daughter is 28 and has 2 kids and yet every time we leave each other the one driving home always sends a message when they get there. It’s not because we have to. It’s because I worry. My husband probably not so much but I do. And it can keep me from sleeping if I don’t know they are ok.

My kids come when I call them, or they say “just a minute or something”. And I typically don’t call twice. If I yell for you you come to me. That’s just one of the perks of being a parent 😜. But again I started this when they were very little. You come or you yell. One or the other, not no5ing. If I call you and you yell back at me there likely will not be a response because that isn’t the way it works. It’s simply human nature. We learn what we are taught and when our parents don’t even attempt to teach us anything we don’t learn anything.

Our kids are basically just small people. Born with their own personalities and issues of their own. I have no idea how many times I have said, “you don’t have to like it or you can be mad, but your not going to be ugly to me or anyone else”. I always thought that was a pretty simple idea. But I have heard so many kids talk about how their parents never pay attention to their feelings and expect them to just basically be a soldier. What’s the point in that? What will you as a parent ever learn if that’s the way you view it. But we ALL have a right to our feelings and that includes our kids as well. They can also be very different from us. I am a complete extrovert. My 14 year old son is as introverted as they come. It took me literally YEARS to figure out that was ok and I didn’t have to be worried about him all the time. He has friends and he enjoys being with them from time to time, but he very much enjoys being by himself. And for the record, he’s not turning into a school shooter because he’s in his room playing the game all the time. Actually the opposite, for Valentines Day they sold little valentines at school. He took his money(like 40 bucks) and bought one for his whole 8th period class, without saying a word to anyone. Except his sister, that’s how I found out 🤷🏻‍♀️!!

So when I see people treating their kids as if they were just born for them to yell at or tell what to do I often wonder when those kids turn into teenagers “what did you think was going to happen?” I am by no means always right. But I have a good sense of people(especially kids) and I have been told I have the gift of discernment. Which is interesting because I always thought everyone could do what I do. Nope! No! Not at all!! I also can’t usually explain why I say what I say or think what I think, but where people are involved(especially people I know well), I am very rarely wrong. So I wonder why do people have kids if they have no thought of ever actually thinking about their kids. If they can’t take a step back and be a neutral observer long enough to figure out what their kids might think or feel how do they expect them to learn anything and be able to function in society.

Somewhere along the line someone decided our kids should be protected and kept from things that can or will harm them. Please believe that with all my heart I WANT to do that as well. But we can’t always protect them and keep them from harm. So the next best thing is to teach them and help them learn how to deal with life and the people in it. And I truly believe that the more we teach and prepare them for as kids(especially teenagers) the less likely that the world will chew them up and spit them out. My 12 year old daughter talks to me. She tells me things and she asks me questions. Much of which isn’t something that her friends do with their Moms. I see her hearing what I am saying and putting it into practice. I have heard her tell her friends things I have said to her because she wants to help them. All of this because I have always talked to her, asked questions, given explainations.

Our pre-teens have so many questions. They are starting to figure out that theirs friends and their families don’t operate the same way as what they have always known. Their friends are doing things that they may have never ever heard of before. If they can’t go to their parents where are they going to go? Most likely? Their friends, and that is the worst possible place them to get the i formation. We may not want to think about it and our first instinct IS to protect them. But WE are the adults. We are the ones that have our heads together and that they trust to take care of them. So WE have to bite the bullet and have the hard discussion(age appropriate of course) and do the best we can to help them understand. I do my best to explain things to my daughter. She knows why I don’t like to do late pick ups at skating rinks or movie theatres. She knows that I like having her home and that I will never allow her to spend whole weekends gone from our home(unless she’s with family) because I feel it’s very important for them to be here. Where I know what’s going on and what they are doing. So we have a lot of friends that come through our house. All of which to date, love me 😬. But it’s not because I’m fun or buy them things. It’s because I talk to them like the young people that they are. And I try to put myself on their level when we talk about friends and school. They aren’t adults yet, but they know when people are being dishonest or uncomfortable with a discussion. So I try to remember what it was like to be 12 and I try to remember they know NOTHING. All the things we have had years to learn they are just starting to even know exist. So when we say things to them they don’t have the frame of reference we do. They need you to explain it to them and tell them stories about your life so they can understand. And guess what!?!?! Just because you may have done something bad when you were younger doesn’t mean your kids will take your honesty as permission. I had a baby when I was 18 and still in high school. My daughter knows that and I am very clear she does NOT want a baby at 18. She has assured me that isn’t going to happen. I have never demanded greatness from my kids but I truly believe a side effect of good parenting IS greatness. My middle son wants to go to Harvard for goodness sakes!!

Our kids are begging for our attention and input in their lives. And sometimes it’s really HARD work. But if we start from birth it is so much easier. Or I hit the genetic lottery and have 3 kids by 2 different dads that are all really good, kind, get good grades, and care for the people in their lives. Be diligent. Be prepared. Be honest. Ask questions and most importantly try to figure out what something feels like for THEM. Just because they are your kids doesn’t mean that you own all the power. More likely, the more power you try to have the less you will have. So decide today that you will make a change. Imagine for a moment what it might actually be like for your child and then adjust yourself to help them the best way you know how. And despite what some may say get help!! From family, from the school,from friends, or from a counselor if necessary. If someone loves your child and wants to be there for them, let go and allow them to have some impact on your kids.

Be blessed and have an awesome Easter!!

Song Lyric Sunday Theme for 3/25/18

I found a new music theme from Helen at “This Thing Called Life, One Word At A Time“. I thought I would give it a go, now that I am feeling stronger emotionally. The theme this week is “Seeing”. I picked “Give Me Your Eyes” by Brandon Heath because the lyrics are so powerful, and …

You Can Never Have Too Many Moms

The month or so between February 19th and March 23rd is a tough one for me and it just got tougher this week. No wonder I have been in a depression. The challenges during this time include my father’s passing on March 2, 2012, and our stubborn but precious dog, Joie, passed on February 28, …

Unexpected

So, I started off the month of March knowing that my meds wouldn’t make it through the month. I had an insurance change and the new one isn’t effective until April 1. Anyway, my sleeping meds ran out last Tuesday. My husband has let me take his, but they make me so drowsy when I wake up I don’t really like to take them. But when the choice is sleep or sleep very little you take the pill.

I got in a kind of a fight with my sister last week, except it wasn’t really a fight to me. I was trying to suggest that what she thinks is happening might not in fact be the case. But I guess it came out badly and I assumed she knows things that she doesn’t actually know. I don’t know.

But I do know this. More times than not in these situations I end up feeling like my experiences and what I think isn’t as good as someone else’s. Now she did not say that to me. I do t think that she ever would. But she did tell me basically not to take it personal. My Mom told me the same thing. While I can see that and I understand in theory the ability to do that. Not taking stuff personally really isn’t who I am. Sure, on some things but on the things involving the people I love and care about they ARE very personal.

And it’s not just that they are people I care about. It’s that so much of who I am and what I do is wrapped up in being an advocate for people who are different or who can’t or won’t stand up for themselves. Even at work. Many people have some of the same thoughts and issues I have, but often they don’t say anything. And so I do! It is personal to me when I share my story or when I try to get someone to see a different perspective through asking questions.

I can’t tell you how many times I have been right and had to keep my big mouth shut instead of saying I told you so. But the worst part is that often my advice isn’t even remembered. When that I told you so moment comes, I have to pretend like I didn’t already give the advice that would have resulted differently. I get tired of people telling me that I’m wrong or that I do something in the wrong way. When the truth is it isn’t wrong, it’s just different. Just one time that when things get hard someone chooses to say “her deliveries wrong, but maybe I should consider what she is saying”. But that doesn’t happen. People are too busy finding me wrong to think that what I am saying could be true.

And the sad part is. There are certain things about me that will never change. I will always be loud at times. I will always be passionate and uninterested in hearing people’s excuses. I spend every day trying to think of others and treat them the way I would want to be treated. But it seems because I am those things I don’t deserve the same thought in return. And before you start thinking I’m over reacting. I’m not. Because I have the ability to look at myself and be very honest and truthful other people seem to think they should do that as well. That what I’m saying must be wrong and that they have a duty to tell me how imperf3ct I am. It’s not something that has happened once or twice. Or that happened more when I was younger. It happens again and again. From people in all different areas of my life. Do you know how many times someone has apologized to me?? Well, none. I’m sure there was someone in there. But most of the people who apologize to me are people who really have no reason to apologize. Those times when I would most like to hear it, it’s “crickets”. Except for my husband. He tells me he’s sorry. He has apologized more than once for small things and for the really big things. More and more I realize he is the ONLY person that sees me for me and sees the good things instead of always the bad things or the different things. He has taken the time to know me, and he uses what he knows to help make our relationship better.

I’m tired of being different. I’m tired of watching while people are able to be fake and impersonal with others and I simply don’t really have the ability to do that. Some would say it’s because I don’t want to. But that’s not true. Truthfully, it’s because I view all those things as lies and partial truths. The fact that people have to lie and be fake in order to live in this world truly pains me. It’s not honest, genuine, and it definitely isn’t real. What’s worse is that so few people are like me, and so few people truly share my illness. It isn’t fake and it’s not going to go away. Anyone who knows me will tell you I am as stubborn as they come, so if they believe thatwhy is it so easy for them to say that if I wanted to change other things. Some things sure. But those things that have been with me in many cases since before I can even remember doing them. Why is it ok to be kind, and follow rules, and to be conscientious?? But it’s not ok to be stubborn, outspoken, and question everything? Because that’s what it boils down to. People view my questions as a judgment that what they are saying isn’t right or that I don’t agree with them? When nothing could be further from the truth. I ask questions because I want to know things. I ask questions because people’s thoughts and motives nd childhoods matter. I ask because when I speak I want to be confident in what I’m saying and I want to be as logical as possible.

But it’s hard for me to stay neutral with my illness. I’m not a person that sees it everywhere. In fact the opposite. It takes a lot for me to even really want to approach that subject with someone, outside of my own experiences, and I NEVER do it lightly. It isn’t something that I want people to have. It’s something I do my best to talk people out of thinking if I can. I advocate good and extensive testing. But I know what it’s like to live in my head. I know what I thought as a teenager and I am painfully aware of how different my mind is. It’s because of that that I never want someone else to suffer. If I can help someone avoid that I will do whatever I possibly can. And it’s not something I want someone to take my word on. I just want someone to see my life and what has happened to me and find value in it enough that someone else’s life might be changed.

As much as sometimes people might think so, I don’t want to hurt anyone. But there are truths in this life that don’t change. And have a way of coming out with time. Watching someone hurt themselves when they don’t have to is hard. But being dismissed, rejected, and ignored is even harder. Shouldn’t we err on the side of caution. Shouldn’t we deal with the truth instead of just doing the same things and hoping they will change.

I have good kids. 3 good kids. I have a son in college and I have been a mother for almost 20 years now. I know my kids aren’t perfect. But people love them. I have someone tell me on a regular basis how good, or hard working, or kind they are. From everybody: co-workers, ex co-workers, teachers, friends, friends parents. It is something that I am very proud of. Sure we are all born with different personalities but parents play a big part. And while I’m not now and have never claimed to be perf3ct I/we had to have done something right, right?!?! Or maybe not. Sometimes by the way people act I think “well maybe God just gave me good kids cause he knows I’m such a mess that I couldn’t handle something different”. Truly, sometimes I believe that. Because it’s sure not like too many people close to me act like I’ve done a good job!! Or seem to listen to me and think “well, she does have good kids maybe she knows a little something”.

So I’m tired. I’m frustrated and I’m pretty lonely. People say they are there or will be there. And some are. But none of them really understand or know me. They don’t trust that I know things, sometimes with no reason to know it. They put me in a box “of oh that’s just her” and they forget to look at me and really see me. They forget that I’m a person and that sometimes there are a lot of really great things about me. But I almost never hear that. I’m tired of being everyone’s cheerleader and building them up and making them feel special, just to have almost no one do the same for me.

Thanks for reading! I will stop my loud and rambling thoughts now. Be blessed!!!

Reblog – Why You Should Watch the Paralympics Games

Originally posted on A Chronic Spoonful:
As I’ve started to write this, I’m watching the Opening Ceremony of the 2018 PyeongChang Winter Paralympics. I had a few issues getting the stream working, but boy, was I glad when my husband texted me a possible solution that I managed to get working. You see, I love…

A Dim View of Things

There is a site I go to once in awhile for inspiration in the form of a daily prompt. I haven’t been there in awhile, but it always seems to be a fitting word when I do. The word, “Dim”, was no exception. Yesterday I went for my annual eye exam. I have been going …

New Topic

My whole life I have never been shy!! Probably the understatement of the year. I have gotten smarter as I have gotten older and I have learned better ways to express myself. But mostly I’m a fact based truth kind of person. Even when it hurts!

Having said that I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and I think God is pushing me to share. Many of you have seen my posts about my diagnosis and life as someone who is Bipolar. But there’s another part that I don’t really talk about much. I was also diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Society throws around the word Narcissistic a lot. They use it for anyone that has their own opinions that usually are very different from most other people’s. This word has a horribly bad and out of proportion reaction to this word.

But it’s not a bad word. And it doesn’t always have to be a negative in a persons life. Most of the time we only hear about the really bad people. And most people don’t even really discuss this. When we got my diagnosis Chad basically said “I can deal with the narcissist I’ve gotten used to that, it’s the other stuff I can’t deal with”. Lol

I was glad that he didn’t blow it out of proportion and make me feel even worse than I already did. And the truth is I am pretty self absorbed. I love people and I love helping people. Maybe this is part of why. It’s like I share my narcissism with someone for a time and it builds their spirit enough that they can move on and do great things without me. I am proud of that.

I am proud that I can be a cheerleader for people who just need someone to love and encourage them. I am proud that what is sometimes a bad thing is also so many times a wonderful thing. To be honest I read the definitions and I think “is that really me?” When it comes right down to it it is me. I have learned to act different ways but at the end of the day I’m a bottom line kind of person. If we are in the middle of a rush at work I am so focused I often forget that I have coworkers with me. That probably don’t want a nasty person working next to them. But honestly I don’t care what your problems are. If we are busy do your job and do it right.

It’s not that I can’t see that that’s a little cold and disconnected but it is the vast majority of the time my first reaction. I think I’m awesome. Pretty much all the time and in so many ways. It doesn’t help that I am extremely self aware and God have me the gift of discernment. Those two things together pretty much guarantee something happens that makes me think how great I am.

I know I am not supposed to be inflated with self. But I say all the time “at least I share it. I do think I’m great but I think other people are as well and I take the time to tell them”. And sometimes I wonder if this “sickness” isn’t what allows me to feel so close to God. I have ALWAYS felt close to Him. I have always known that I am ok and perfect in His eyes. It’s not something I think about I just KNOW. And there’s that very small place in my heart that is always content and at peace. I know when I leave this world where I’m going. I know that being mentally sick is one of the very worst and safest things that anyone can deal with. I know that my inflated sense of self effects my life and relationships on a regular basis. I know that most of my waking hours are spent trying NOT to do things that I’m not supposed to say or do. I fail a lot. But I know that God knows me and he knows that I only want those around me to have a better, happy, and more productive life.

Narcissistic is a hard word to wrap your mind around. It’s even harder to wrap your mind around the fact that YOU have this illness and it effects your life everyday. I am so much better with my meds. I feel more control of my mind and my feelings. For that I am grateful but they don’t take it all away. Like my Mom has told me more than once “I just want you to not have to struggle so hard just to live your life”. That’s probably one of the greatest things she has ever said to me and I hang on to it everyday. I still struggle but it’s not even close to what it used to be. And I’m grateful to have a Mom that decided I needed help, even if it took years to find all the answers.

I have Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I love my life. I have friends and family that love me and I am NOT a monster. So if you wanted to try to remember to pray for those of us who struggle on a daily basis just to live life I know a bunch of people who would appreciate it. And please remember when you hear or see people using the word Narcissistic they don’t always know what they are talking about and often they are using it in the wrong way or to define someone that is most likely hurting themselves.

If you read this long post I appreciate it. Be blessed and LIVE your life and be THANKFUL that you don’t have to battle your mind everyday from things you don’t even always understand.