Tag Archives: life

Woman

The internet has eaten 3 things I have typed out to post in the last week! To say I’m aggravated is an understatement. I don’t pay attention to what I write most of the time. But it’s almost always good! 😊

So I will try again with a post from last night….

When did I become a woman? More importantly at what point did I start viewing myself that way?

I was thinking last night about a certain situation and I ended up calling myself a woman in what was to possibly be my words to someone.

As soon as I had the thought I was immediately sidetracked. I have never seamlessly called myself a woman. Much less referred to myself as one in discussion. When did that change happen? What has happened in my life that I now believe I embody the word woman?

Up until 3 and a half years ago when I was medicated for my Bipolar I would have told you I’m not grow up to be considered a woman. I refer to myself as girl, lady, female, anything else. And really it has been in recent months I have started to look at myself differently.

I AM a woman. I have lived if life that has taken me places I never thought I would go and given me things I never even knew I wanted. I am funny, intelligent, hard working, caring, loving, friendly, considerate, empathetic, and wise. Why shouldn’t I consider myself a word that embodies so many of those things.

I have fought and give my tears for so many different things. I have given of myself to the people I love and I have stood strong in the process. I am in ways and in many cases the calm in the storm. I embrace what is happening and I seek ways to learn from it.

I have peace I don’t think I have ever had before. Maybe it’s in that peace that I have found the strength to see the amazing, kind, and loving woman that I truly am.

So today I will face my day with the knowledge that I AM enough! That the thing we as women strive for is the very thing I have finally found. I am a strong woman. I am a loving woman. And I am a woman that knows what she wants and how to get it.

I am a woman that can take that peace and apply it to the situations and issues in my life and use the wisdom I have found to help others along the way. I am a mom and for a long time I thought that word defined me. But now I realize that yes being a Mom does in many ways define. But being a woman is about ALL of me. And all of me is enough to be called a woman of grace and dignity and love. And for that, I am eternally grateful!!

Be blessed!!

FYI- I don’t think it’s as good as the original. But it’s pretty good. Lol

Reblog – Choosing to Prioritize Life

This is such beautiful and honest post on just how important it is to not only manage your illness but your life as well. I can certainly relate to much of what Julie shares, and I can learn from it as well. Lydia! For a long time, I’ve seen it as necessary to prioritize my …

Consumed

I am consumed and I don’t know how to fix it.

I didn’t find out I was Bipolar until I was 33. At 33 my oldest son was 15 before I was diagnosed and medicated. So he has lived most of his life with a Mom that’s a little crazy! I think that because I wasn’t medicated my brain did not see the things that it does now. I knew he was an amazing kid and I enjoyed talking with him but I don’t think I could really see it.

Four years later my meds are fully on board and my two younger kids are 14 and 12(13 in June) and I am consumed by watching them and seeing the things they do. I am consumed by the clarity that I now have. My illness started in 8th grade. I did things I wasn’t supposed to. I didn’t listen to teachers, I didn’t listen to my parents or friends or anyone. At the time I’m not really sure what I thought but somehow I thought it was normal.

I was wrong!! I was messed up and my thoughts were not that of a normal 13 year old. My thoughts were chaotic and I remember over and over telling myself tomorrow would be different. And then tomorrow came and I did something wrong or said things that were inappropriate or started a fight(verbal argument) with someone. I argued with my bible class teachers and parents and anyone else that I thought needed to be set straight.

I have seen so clearly through my kids that so much of my life was not normal. A couple weeks ago my daughter was telling me about a girl at school that always has her phone out but never gets in trouble. So I asked her if she ever got her phone out. To which she replied, “No, I would be the one that would get in trouble and you would yell at me”. I looked at her sand said, “that’s a good attitude to have, I never had that attitude.”

She’s told me that before that she doesn’t do something cause I will yell at her(by yell she means a lecture that lasts longer than she wants and makes her roll her eyes🙄) It doesn’t seem like a big deal but for me it is. It consumes me, I think about it over and over and wonder why I was the one that had to be different. I have always carried around a little resentment but I just can’t take this consumed feeling that I get on a regular basis.

It doesn’t help that I have very good kids. Don’t get me wrong I am so proud of them. I am so thankful that I get to watch them do amazing things. Like last week my 14 year old 8th grade boy used his own money to buy his whole 8th period class valentines. It was like $40 and he just shrugged his shoulder when I said that was really sweet and nice of you. Lily had a teacher ask her to help at a special event at school and she was one of only two people asked.

It consumes me how good and amazing they are and how horrible my teenage years were. I know that I have been able to do a,axing things and that I am a very vocal advocate for mental health. But it’s sure hard sometimes to watch them and not think what if. I need it to go away. I WANT it to go away. I want to be able to enjoy my awesome kids without the thought that I missed out and I was ill for close to 20 years of my life. At this point that’s over half. I am so glad I am better. I am so glad that I can look at my kids and my life and really see and understand what is going on.

But I am consumed I can’t find the light. I can’t stop being sad for my younger self and I don’t know how to let go of the fact that it’s not fair. It washes over me like a wave. I am fine and then my daughter does something or tells me a story and it all flows through me again. I am so happy and at the same time I am so sad. I don’t know how to fix it and I don’t know how to make that part of me at peace. I don’t know what it will take for me to accept it and let it go but I hope it comes soon because being consumed by this at the most mundane moments is getting really old and tired. How sad that I look at my kids and see what missed out of instead of just being proud that I have really GOOD kids!,

As always be blessed!

Revisiting Valentine’s Day

I am late for Valentine’s again; however, I wanted to revisit a post from two years ago. While it is not one of the more upbeat posts I have written, it is definitely one where I portray the raw truth that is or was my life. This year we went out for fish and chips …

The Mammogram Saga – Finally Full Circle!

Looking back I found the last entry in this series was in August of last year and was titled “The Mammogram Saga Comes To An End.” Well, I thought it had but apparently, even when a biopsy is negative for cancer they still repeat tests 6 months later to be sure. So, I had another …

Text Etiquette 2 – Because Good Manners Still Don’t Hurt Anyone

I can stand here on a soapbox and voice my concerns and observations, except I have no idea where one obtains a soapbox and it's easier to just get to the point...

It Was Tuesday When I Recorded It!

Well, so much for accountability. It seems that Fibrofog and Chronic Fatigue don’t seem to care about such things. Last week I totally forgot about my pledge to do a Tuesday video each week until Thursday when I remembered. By then my care worker was here and I was extremely tired. Again, there is not …

Three Strikes, You’re Out!

No, I am not mixed up with my sports terminology! The picture and title don’t match, but you will see the connection soon! The passing of Johnny Bower, the hockey goalie (shown above), brought back memories of my Dad. He was a diehard hockey fan and I became one as well watching it every Saturday night …

Bipolar,Unemployed & Lost

what a blog.

what a cool tool for myself and people out there to read and relate. I still get emails asking me to help spread the word and bring people to resources and help and hope.

ugh.

where did the time go?

I don’t want to let anyone down but would I be right to say I don’t have the time to continue this blog? Would I be wrong to say I can’t?

 


Whatever the Weather

I don’t have a lot of memories from my early days in Saskatchewan. We left when I was seven. I remember I had several friends from my street and we often played on the big manmade “hill” at the end of the block. I also remember the winters when I went off to kindergarten and …