Tag Archives: good things

When Anxiety Strikes

I’m a bit grumpy lately — I’ve had some really stupid severe anxiety spikes. Like, one I would have called a full-on attack, even if I didn’t have the racing heart or anything. It was just… really elevated anxiety for several hours with no root cause (and that all the chamomile tea in the world wouldn’t touch). I keep telling myself that this too shall pass, but yanno… wish it would pass faster.

I think the culprit is likely the upped dose of sertraline (Zoloft). I vaguely remember that when I started taking it, I had a month of really gross physical and mental feelings. I could probably go read back, but I’ve not really mustered the spoonage for that. When I restarted after Littlerbit was born, I didn’t have any problems. It started doing its do pretty much right away with no period of ill effects. I think. I’m pretty sure. Does that make sense though, that it could be making things a bit worse temporarily? If it doesn’t start calming back down in the next week or two, I’ll probably call the psychiatrist… if I can find the spoons to deal with the phone. I hate phones.

I’m also aware that this is about the point where everything got on top of me after Littlebit was born in 2009. While I’ve not felt particularly postpartum-y atop my normal mental state, it seems possible that I could be experiencing a similar peak of crappiness. I know, every pregnancy is different, blah blah, but that doesn’t mean there can’t be annoying similarities.

Ah well, at least I’ve got one of my favourite addictions to help me cope until it passes, so woo for that. Counting the good things, yanno? :)

Hope everyone is well out there.

<3

The Longest Week

This week is going by very very slowly. I guess I might have to accept that I’m going to have to sever a relationship I value. So be it, but fingers crossed that it doesn’t encroach on my birthday (Saturday). At least we’re back to work this week, so that’s helping me keep busy and avoid moping, as does the company in general. I think that’s been the most pleasant surprise of the week — usually, when I’m hurting, I want to be left very much alone. That I can do both at the same time (albeit without necessarily socializing with people, just being near them), well. It’s probably a good thing, I reckon.

Tomorrow is my last day on Seroquel for the foreseeable future. I feel that the draw-down has been going very well all in all, and my biggest concern at this point is my sleep. Those of you who have also taken Seroquel know that it’s a fantastic sleep aid, and I know that when I forget a dose, I’m up clear to morning (or near enough). I’ve also started having a glass of warm-ish milk at night, so I’m hoping the soporific affects of that will be of assistance in lieu of the meds. It will probably be a bit rough the first few nights, but I can also hope that having had a regular sleep schedule for months (I had to shift it when Lilbit went back to school in September, ’cause we were getting up an hour earlier — very rough!) will assist… I guess we’ll see, and I’ll report back on that as it goes.

I can’t think of anything else to add, so I won’t. Hope everyone is doing well.

<3

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The Versatile Blogger Award

versatile-blogger-awardMy friend Sarah over at A Place That Does Not Exist has nominated me for The Versatile Blogger Award! Hooray, somebody out there likes me, they really do! Wha? I’m a sucker for compliments on my writing ability; it’s definitely one of my vain points that I like to have stroked on occasion. And as Sarah is someone who is a talented writer and queen of snark, I certainly appreciate it coming from her (psst, I might like her — who’d've thunk it?!).

Part of this whole rigmarole is nominating people that the recipient thinks are also awesome, which (to me) makes it like a chain latter that people actually want to get. So, without further ado, here are my fifteen nominations:

1. Only See Your Good Side: http://balfourthrb.wordpress.com

2. Bipolar Christianity: http://bipolarchristianity.com/

3. The Teebeanery: http://theteebeanery.wordpress.com/

4. Mrs. Bipolarity: http://mrsbipolarity.com

5. Pollychromatic: http://pollychromatic.com/

6. Being Bipolar…Is Alot Of Work: http://ucfpeggy.wordpress.com/

7. Take a Ride on My Mood Swing: http://morgueticiasmentalhealthmausoleum.wordpress.com

8. Come Unglued: http://comeunglued.wordpress.com

9. Brain Eats Brain: http://braineatsbrain.wordpress.com/

10. Bipolar For Life: http://bipolarforlife.me/

11. How Is Bradley?: http://www.howisbradley.com/

12. so many monsters: http://heatherbat.tumblr.com/

13. The Bipolar Place: http://thebipolarplace1.wordpress.com/

14. Bipolar on Fire: http://bipolaronfire.com/

15. Her Shadowtime: http://hershadowtime.wordpress.com/

Hopefully I’ll actually remember to lovingly pester people to let them know I like them. I always hate to be a pest, yanno? But definitely, everyone on this list writes things worth reading. A few are a bit haitus-y right now, but that doesn’t take away from their talents and insights!

If any of y’all are intending to accept an pass on the award, the ‘rules’ are as follows:

1. Display the Award Certificate on your blog.
2. Announce your win with a post. Make sure to post a link back to me as a ‘thank you’ for the nomination.
3. Present 15 awards to deserving bloggers.
4. Drop them a comment to tip them off after you have linked them in the post.
5. Post 7 interesting things about yourself.

So that leaves, for me, seven interesting things to share!

1. I was a registered model… as a baby. Mom said I never actually got a gig though, due to always being the wrong size. But it still continues to amuse me to this date that I was once, nominally, a model. And, to be fair, I was stinkin’ cute as a kiddo.

2. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve moved in my life. I *think* it’s 16? It’s not a patch on my mother, who I believe is in excess of 40 moves in her life.

3. I’m a dual national — American, and British. I was born and (mainly) raised in Texas, and moved to the UK to marry a Brit. I received my second citizenship about two years ago; my kiddo was born with both (the lucky bratinka). I know that’s in my bio, but just in case y’all hadn’t made it that far!

4. I attended a prestigious art school for high school – Booker T. Washington High School for the Performing and Visual Arts in Dallas, Texas. It killed my love of making music in a hardcore way; I was a band geek, and the teacher was a fan of negative reinforcement. I don’t flourish in that sort of environment, or yanno, one where half the teachers are shit-talking me behind my back and accusing me of corrupting the school. Um… sure. Not. *shakes head* I have mild bitterness now because it would have been nice if anyone had clued in enough to try and help me, yanno? That would have been much nicer than bullshit accusations that they couldn’t even grow up enough to bring directly to me.

5.  Having that first love ruined for me, I dropped out of community college and joined the Air Force. There I was able to pursue my second love — language. I did six years as a Russian linguist, which… well. I loved the job, but hated the people and the petty bullshit politics. The number one reason I was given to stay in was that nobody could avoid office politics, so I might as well deal with them there. Yeah, no… I won that one — I married into a family business. My biggest drama is my father-in-law being a bit of a space invader, but at least I can whap him with a rolled-up newspaper if I need to! *grins*

6.  I’ve been an avid video gamer as long as I can remember. My earliest such memories were playing Atari on a Saturday morning before everyone else got up, specifically during G.I. Joe. My parents didn’t want me to watch it for some reason that I’m not sure I ever knew. I was a loyal Nintendo-ist until N64; at that point I felt the games weren’t oriented towards the more serious gamer, and I switched to Playstation. I mainly game on PC now, where my love of The Sims would have many ‘real’ gamers turning their nose up and shunning me… to which I smile, and remember getting my PC start with Civilization on Wolfenstein 3D, and MMOs before World of Warcraft made them ‘cool’.

7.  I apparently come off a lot more confident and definitive than I think I do. I’ve heard often that people think that the opinions I’m putting forth are rock solid and that arguing serves no purpose, which makes me really sad. I like offering a strong opinion because I *WANT* people to offer other opinions. I love intelligent, respectful discussion. After all, how can anyone (and I mean anyone) have a real opinion about anything until it has been shaped and tumbled about by being exposed to other viewpoints?!

So yeah… go me. *grins* Hope everyone is doing well!

<3

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Prudent Paranoia

Allo allo and all of that -  I’m back, baby!

Look maw, I'm outside! And still so pale that I continue to reflect sunlight, hee hee.

Look maw, I’m outside! And still so pale that I continue to reflect sunlight, hee hee.

And where did I go? Well, my husband and I were on a spot of vacation, blessed child-free vacation (there’s a clue to where in the picture, hee hee). We had to sacrifice our little break last year because we went to the States to visit my family (which costs eleven million dollars), so it was divine to get out of town. But of course, since I wasn’t home, I felt it was prudent to not plaster all over the Internet that I wasn’t going to be at home. Even if we don’t have the top of the line of anything, it’s always (a mon avis) wisest to not announce that our things are not being watched (though my in-laws did pop over daily to feed the cats, which also helps keep the place looking populated).

It was nice to get out of town, even if we ended up somewhere slightly warmer and stickier than here at home (d’oh!). And I had more ‘insomnia’, which was frustrating and not at all nice atop a vicious cold (’cause irony dictates one must be sick for a trip, naturally). Our style of vacation is a very laid back one though, so I didn’t overdo it — we’ll pick say, one thing a day to do, and do that. So some might feel it’s bad economy to go somewhere and only do two things, we figure that as it’s our one vacation a year, why make it suck by trying to cram lots into it? That’s where one ends up needing a vacation from their vacation! Not that doing all the things is wrong either — different strokes for different folks and all that happy jazz.

Anyhoos, I am going to go try to get more caffeine in me, and then maybe try to catch up on what blogging I missed while I was out of town. I hope everyone has been doing well.

<3

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And Speaking of Procrastination…

It is done, it is done, my NaNoWriMo novel is finally done!

last_page

I’ve opted to not actually show the full text of the last page, ’cause I don’t want to accidentally ruin it for anyone who might want to read it. And if you do want to read it, the full text is available on Figment:

An End to All Things
http://figment.com/books/461964-An-End-to-All-Things

I still need to, at some point, actually go back and edit it. I’ll be getting a few print copies as one of the NaNoWriMo rewards (if I can find out why the code isn’t working when it should be), so after giving copies to certain members of my family and friends, I can take one for me and red pen it to death. And then, if I still like it, I need to rewrite it in a different setting altogether. As it stands, it is currently fan-fiction. While I wouldn’t necessarily mind writing a sequel some day, I’d rather try to make it an original work, yanno? That isn’t to denigrate on fan-fiction — it’s certainly a good starting place for developing the writing craft.

So yeah, I figured I’d share that good news today. Considering the only other thing in my head is a head cold, I figured this was the more interesting news. ;)

I hope everyone is having a good day! And if not, well, I’ll still think happy thoughts for you.

<3

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Bits and Bobs

1. My GP was most amenable to changing my Seroquel back to extended release, hooray! One of us’ll go pick it up… probably in a little bit. I’m fortunate enough to have enough have a couple of days of wiggle room. Which also is a nod to my mother-in-law — she collects my paper prescriptions from our doctor’s office, and she does it as soon as they’re available. Which means I always have some wiggle room!

2. I’m starting to feel well enough that I’m twitchy to want to do things. but I don’t really have spoons either. But still, I might slap on my headphones later, pop on Swoon, and see if I can channel it into some writing.

3. I might not though, ’cause the Lilbit is being a raging pain in the ass this week. She’s bit a bit sick, and a bit three. There’s a lot of yelling and stalling and being a pill. With the husband fellow still feeling poorly, I’ve been doing my best to judiciously apply my authori-tay to help him out. It’s a bit of a balancing act, insomuch that being an option means that she’ll try to waffle between which parent is permitted to do something.

4. Still, at least it’s the weekend, and at least I have jam in the fridge. So yanno, it’s not a total bust.

Hope everyone is having a good one!

<3

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Victoire!

Child-wrangling went especially well last night. I guess the novelty of me running the bedtime gig enthralled her, seeing how she didn’t stall once. I expected a lot of them, so I started the routine an hour out from bedtime in the hopes that would be enough time. Twenty minutes later and a fair bit before bedtime, she was tucked in and shooing me away. I certainly can’t complain at those results, ha ha. I probably wore her out — I was doing my best to distract her most of yesterday so my husband could prepare for his DJing gig.

IMG_2067I’m not really up to much of anything today, besides playing Dragon Age 2. Even though it’s really warm out, I’m cold, so I might work on my lap blanket-to-be a bit (pictured to the side!). I’ve not made my mind up yet if I’ll do more than look at it though. Dragon Age is a rather clicky game; it’s not like it’s going to run itself while my hands are otherwise occupied like Evil Genius or Settlers!

Anyhoos, perhaps I will go find more caffeine, but for the most part — victorious chilling. I hope everyone else is having a lovely laid-back (or adventurous, if you prefer) day!

<3

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ESL Pop (The Eurovision Afterglow)

One of my favorite things since moving to the UK in 2007 is the Eurovision Song Contest. I was vaguely aware of it before I moved over here, but it never occurred to me that I could watch it on that side of the pond. It happens in May, and it happened last weekend to my vast enjoyment. I’m cracking up that I’ve been here too long, because I liked many of the entries! ESL (English as a Second Language) Pop is certainly an apt nomer, insomuch that some of the lyrics feel like a bad Babelfish translation (example from Lithuania: ‘Because of my shoes I’m wearing today//One is called Love, the other is Pain’).

So in spite of knowing that the UK will probably never win again because of politics and a lack of neighbors, I settled in hoping for cheese and entertainment (examples of cheese: Moldova’s 2011 entry, Spain’s 2008 entry, and Finland’s winning entry in 2006, Lordi). For me, cheese was the starting point; after all, most Euromusic comes off as cheesy to American ears. That’s why I know I’ve been here too long — amongst the wubs of random dubstep, there were some quality songs. For example, I’ve had the winning entry in my head for a week now:

I sort of wish I could say that it was out of some grand inspiration at the lyrics. One of my exes always whined that I never paid attention to the words, which isn’t strictly true. It’s more that the enjoyment of the lyrics comes after I wallow happily in the sounds and the shapes and the emotions. Maybe there’s some subconscious relationship between the words and my relationship with bipolar? Certainly, it’s a non-stop battle, but eh. Sometimes it’s better to not overthink things, and just derive enjoyment in those moments enjoyment makes itself known.

Having said that, there was another song whose lyrics did immediately catch me — the Ukrainian entry:

Well that, and the purity and strength of her voice — I *did* go to a performing arts school, thankyouverymuch! But yes, something about the lines:

I’m like a butterfly
Spinning ‘round a sword as if to dare…

I can’t concisely explain why that gets to me, but it does. Perhaps because my relationship with mood feels like balancing on razor wire? Perhaps. But it feels more uplifting and positive, deep in the soul meat. I dare to get cut if I try to wrestle past the bipolar and enjoy my life. But:

I should have stayed up high
It’s stronger than me
My gravity

It still doesn’t make me feel down. It still feels positive and uplifting. Should’ve would’ve could’ve, just because the bad times are inevitable, it doesn’t mean I’m going to sit back and let life go by all the all the time.

Anyways, enjoy some music or not as you see fit. Definitely enjoy your day if brains are being cooperative!

<3

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Drying Up (Words, Not Emotions)

Do I look run over? I still feeling fairly run over!

Do I look run over? I still feeling fairly run over!

I don’t know whether it’s just the circumstances of this week, but my brain feels nearly completely purged of words. This isn’t ideal when one writes posts for a handful of blogs daily. And yet, I’m not that bothered either — what if it’s the Zoloft/Seroquel combination making a mighty kibosh on intrusive/negative thoughts? I certainly don’t feel bothered by the lack in my head, though I wouldn’t say that I’m disinterested either. I guess I’m treating it tentatively like a bulldozer clearing out the rubble, and laying a fresh foundation for me to build upon.

I’m still feeling a bit crap on the physical side though, as I’m sure the picture probably clearly expresses. I’m not as dizzy today as yesterday, but there’s still a fair amount of woozy. It’s progress, at least, and if the dizzy stays away I’ll be in good shape for the round trip to visit friends tomorrow (ain’t no party like a Eurovision watching party!). My shoulder — had I not mentioned the shoulder? I’m not sure what I did to it, but it’s been painful all week. It’s starting to feel a bit better, which is excellence incarnate. I do heal up pretty quick in the scheme of things, but when it’s something aggravated by existing? A bit harder to adjust for, hee hee.

So then, even if my brain is tentatively losing all the things it normally is saying, it’s still a good calming thing. My body slowly mending is a good thing. Fridays are always a good thing (if one works a normal-ish work week). My family makes me smile by existing, which is always a good thing. I’m feeling better enough to experience emotions like a real girl, and there’s been a lot this week to make me smile and feel grateful for my life.

Anyhoos, I’m going to try to get some work done, and of course, get more blood out of my caffeine stream. I hope that everyone is having an excellent day, with good things planned for the weekend.

<3

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Disarmed (Brain Traps)

I woke up this morning, as one does most mornings. I got up, feeling vaguely alert and happy to have woken up at the right point in a sleep cycle. I always figure that waking up in the midst of a dream is good proof of sleep for some reason or another, so I pushed myself upright to whap snooze for the last time, and started parsing what I could remember of my dream.

Now, I’ve always considered my dreams to be weird. I’m guessing most people feel the same about their nocturnal subconscious-based emissions. But it’s been a long time since I’ve had a dream so disturbing that it’s lodged itself into my conscious thoughts in an intrusive and repetitive manner. My brain seems to have felt the need to spit up a dream about an ex-boyfriend from over a decade ago, complete with the semi-stalking that followed our break-up, and the smirking planes of that face recreated most faithfully by my bastard brain. And it was truly being a bastard — all I was trying to do was find a bit of privacy so I could get dressed, but he kept popping up every place I moved to, smirking, and completely disabling my attempts to put clothing on in frustration and ire.

To my benefit, at least, I do have one current working tool against my brain’s attempts to spit up bullshit like this — writing it out, or telling someone about it in general. This is the kind of crap (like my resurgent micro-crush on one of my friends when depression is rising) that my brain tries to spit up because it knows me well, and knows that I am so horrified and upset by these things that I don’t want to tell anyone else. If I don’t get it out, it festers, and very quickly drags me down into dangerous bad places. But if I manage to release it, it doesn’t cause me too much harm. I don’t know how long before my brain finds a way to fuck me over so that I can’t make use of this current tool, but I’ll hope that it takes its sweet time about it.

And, I guess, I’m not surprised it picked last night to dream stupidly. I’d gotten completely rage-fuelled worked up over something incredibly stupid, and stormed off to bed before I started breaking things. My husband, brave lad he is, remembered what almost happened last time I went that far, and came in to check on me. We had a good talk and I apologised for my brain being stupid, and managed to explain the particular backstory on that brain issue — I’d been suggesting we watch one of my shows for a week, and he put on something sports-related instead. He’d told me he was going to and why, but my brain decided to completely flip out over being ‘forced’ to watch stupid sports when I’d been going to bed earlier lately, so why didn’t he watch it after an episode of my thing, etc. I’m so used to people hating everything I like right out of the box that it’s nigh on impossible for me to ask for things, and TV is his relaxing thing (not mine), and and and. Well. As said, the bad bits of my brain dug their claws in. But we talked it out and it was good in the end, and I am pleased for both of us. But it did certainly lay the groundwork for more brain bullshit.

It suffices to say that even though I woke up feeling a bit alert, I’m pretty worn down all in all. It takes a lot out of a gal when her brain starts acting extra-stupid. I don’t know whether it’s just my body trying to process the Zoloft or happenstance, but hopefully it won’t happen again. That whole sitting down and having a normal conversation last night was a pretty impressive near-miracle, I should say — usually I spiral upwards or downwards until I explode into super-sharp shrapnel of maximum wounding. So whatever the case of the bad, it certainly was better than usual in those circumstances.

Hope everyone has a good day. I’m off to get more blood out of my caffeine stream.

<3

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