Part of my survival method is to set minimalistic goals for myself. That way, I get the sense of accomplishment without risking hurting myself too badly. And I do hurt myself if I set too many; I will ignore my health and sanity just to complete all the things.
It makes me sad to a point — I’d like to do more things. And who doesn’t? People in general like to be able to say, ‘I did that. I left this mark on the world.’ Even the lazy do, but in their case, they hope it will be by sheer luck. The ‘mean’ and ‘bad’ go for notoriety, the nice go for good deeds, and so forth. I’d love to be able to say that I’ve done things, but I’m so nonfunctional that I can’t even get to the point of identifying things I’d like to do. It’s too tiring to thing past the vaguest concepts — ‘I’d like to write stories.’ ‘I want people to acknowledge my sagely kickassness.’ ‘I want a chocolate bar.’ Okay, the last isn’t really a deed, but it is tasty.
And that’s the other thing — functionality. I think we all accept our basic level of functioning as functioning, even if it isn’t. The thinking about goals and doing things makes me acknowledge that no, I really am barely scraping by. I consider washing my hair a sing-to-the-hills accomplishment; I can only imagine people think that I’m wholly slothful rather than ‘unwell’. I was attempting to explain this to my youngest sister, when I stumbled upon this:
The Daily Energy It Takes to be Normal
I don’t rapid cycle, but it otherwise speaks true. It takes a lot of energy I don’t have to be ‘normal’ at the best of times. At the crap times like this? Hah. It goes hand-in-hand with the Spoon Theory to best explain what it’s like living with a mental condition. I have no spoons, and I have no focus, and deity it’s a victory that I’m out of bed and not sobbing. With that as a baseline, is it any surprise that thinking big and having lots of goals seems more like a prison than an aspiration?
With that in mind, I’m going to go eat crap food, and play video games. Because at least in that, I can feel like I’m doing something, even if it’s absolutely insignificant.
I feel significantly more human today after sleeping through such a large swathe of yesterday. That is definitely hopeful for not feeling quite as zombie. Which, in turn, will elevate my mood just that tiny bit. It’s harder to be cranky and sad if you wake up feeling decent, yanno? I suspect my brain will find another way to get at me, but for today? I’ll be happy I woke up feeling human. I’ll be happy that I got to enjoy a spectacle in the Olympic opening ceremony. I’ll be happy that the temperature has dropped to something reasonable, enabling us to rely on breeze for coolness rather than air conditioning.
And now, I shall get back to some good quality gaming time.
I’m sure the fact that I’m playing two games at the same-ish time makes a statement about my mental health… but as it’s probably an upswing sort of thing, I’m not going to worry too much about it. Instead, I’m going to make another coffee, and get back to it!
Is that it’s Friday. I don’t even know why my brain is so fixated on today — it’s not like I work a full-time hell job that kills my soul. I work part-time ’cause I can afford to. I like what I do. I like that I can have a game up in the background, and indeed, am encouraged to by my husband so that I don’t burn myself out with hyperspeed mega-w0rking. I can get up and take breaks, I can take a half hour chat if I want to… so definitely not sure why my mind is so fixated. I guess because being at home means I’ve got both my computers up, and can overclock my geekiness by having multiple games up alongside any crafting I may or may not come down enough to do. Am I up, am I down? I honestly have no idea right now. I think I’ve been in depression, I’m pretty sure of it — could I be swinging back to hypomania? I wouldn’t say no — I could stand a dose of get up and go to keep chugging along on The Bipolar Blogger Network. I need to be getting the word out more, but I get all sheepish about it… hypomaniac periods are great for getting past that reticence and making stuff happen.
For now though, I won’t beat myself up. Time lost in self-loathing… I’d rather not. I’ll circle back around and manage to pin my brain down enough to make stuff happen when I do. And that is the best I can do for myself. *nods firmly*
Inspired by Alice’s biographical post of the other day, I feel inspired to follow suit. The problem with that? Focus. Focus focus, who’s got the focus? It’s not me, and that is a bit of a perennial problem. Writing things in advance is difficult for me because of this; I’m still amazed that I’ve managed to get anything into my notebook as per my clever plan. Maybe if I can get myself to jot an outline… maybe that would make a difference? As much as I hated them in school, they are sort of useful for getting points down to build off of. Hrm…
It also doesn’t help that I’m especially off in my head right now. I’ve neglected to do anything chore-like for the bulk of this week. My husband is an awesome trooper and gets things done faster than I can blink most times, for which I am grateful. I avoid spending my time beating myself up for what is because frankly? That seems like one of the quickest routes to Depressionville. I’ve managed to stay afloat for a few months now, and I am not going to let my mind’s nasty cheap tricks work their ill against me. That just means it will eventually find and try other ones… but I continue to thank zod/deity/science that my meds continue to mainly keep those unpleasant elements strapped down.
But still, I should see if I can muster an outline at least. It will be cathartic to write out things, especially if my family continues to neglect coming by; this frees me to be more honest without fear of being told that I am wrong about how I feel. I am not wrong about how I feel – my feelings are valid, period, end of. It’s doing me more good than I ever possibly realized to finally realize this… which is probably a redundant and obvious statement in the scheme of things. But if it’s something you didn’t know, how could you have known? But it is good, and it is helping me, and it is making me stronger and less guilty.
And speaking of lack of guilt, back to some guilt-free Sims indulgence. It feels lovely to be trawling through a Legacy again. I might not get very far (the game is a glitchfest of shite coding, to be brutally honest), but that’s okay – as long as I’m having fun with my time.
No time to talk – there’s monsters to slay! Yes, today is a Diablo 3 day. Providence schemed to let us be home today (had a workman coming in), so I’ve been enjoying playing. Oh sure, it’s a simple game with a simple formula of kill all the things, but you know what? Sometimes, that’s all you need; it’s a formula that works, so while change it? Too many games have gotten too crazy about looking nice and seem to forget that (re)playability is sort of vital to make a customer feel like they’ve gotten their money’s worth. Oh sure, there are people who are contented to be playing a movie, but that’s never been my style of gaming.
Anyhoos, back to enjoying my day!
Today is Diablo III release day! Of course, I already have my copy, and I look forward to playing it later. You see, it’s more than just a game series for me – it’s a courtship. I was first introduced to Diablo II by a boyfriend during my military time (which resulted in me ‘borrowing’ his laptop for half a year), and was instantly hooked. I’ve played it off and on over the intervening years, and when my now-husband and I became an international item (with the plan already in place for me to get over here permanently), Diablo II was our way of spending quality time together on the daily. With such fond memories, how could we not want to continue playing a franchise which had already brought us so much joy?
So yeah, if I seem extra-thin on the ground here for the next week or two, you probably have an idea of why now. There’s monsters to kill, a world to explore, and about a million friends to chat with while I do it.