Tag Archives: family

Right Side OF The Bed

Today I woke up in a completely different place than I did yesterday. I laughed at something my husband said to me about 5 minutes after I woke up. It was nice, my husband is so awesome at making me laugh, sometimes even when I am at my darkest. When I am depressed he always asks if there is something he can do to help. Usually there isn’t but it’s so awesome that he wants me to feel better.

Last night I had a dream that I lived in a house with a group of people and all these other people kept coming over and touching my stuff, it was really pissing me off. Even touching the phone set me off on a rant. What a weird dream to have, I wonder what it means. I don’t have people over to my house very often. I used to have a weekly dinner with my sister in law and mother in law but I started shutting myself off when the depression got to be too much. I think I need to start having them over again.

Today I think I’ll have another relaxing Sunday where I just sit and listen to music for a couple/few hours. Music is really a part of me, even if I don’t play an instrument.  Even when I’m depressed I sometimes listen to music so I can zone out and forget about how I’m feeling. Isn’t it wonderful to have something so simple be so helpful?

Well off to listen to some tunes, hope you have a wonderful day.



It’s Super Weird

It’s so weird waking up multiple days in a row and feeling ok. I’m happy with okay, it’s better than depression any day.

Today I woke up listened to my favorite song (it’s not my time by 3 doors down) and thought about how much I love animals. This Christmas I donated to both the ASPCA and the Nebraska Humane Society.  I’d like to do more but we’re not rich. If I was though I would be helping a lot more animals protection agencies. So I lay in bed daydreaming about animals being safe from the cruelty of the world. It made me feel good that I have helped some. I would love to adopt another dog if they allowed us to own 3 in our county.  I love my two fur babies so much!

It was my moms birthday today and I had a long conversation with her where I actually talked some instead of just say yeah, mm yeah.. Which is what I tend to do when I am depressed. That makes me feel well, happy I suppose would be the word. Though I hate to jinx myself.

Anyhow that’s what I have to say for today.

Three Strikes, You’re Out!

No, I am not mixed up with my sports terminology! The picture and title don’t match, but you will see the connection soon! The passing of Johnny Bower, the hockey goalie (shown above), brought back memories of my Dad. He was a diehard hockey fan and I became one as well watching it every Saturday night …

Whatever the Weather

I don’t have a lot of memories from my early days in Saskatchewan. We left when I was seven. I remember I had several friends from my street and we often played on the big manmade “hill” at the end of the block. I also remember the winters when I went off to kindergarten and …

My Grown-up Chronic List

In one of the several FB groups I belong to, the question was asked, “What is one thing (or more) you are thankful for this holiday season? I listed a couple of things; however, since then I have come up with more so I thought I would share them here. Unlike the song that inspired …

Happy Holidays!

I have not been up to writing recently. Just been binge watching TV and doing jigsaw puzzles on my iPad. This season is emotionally fraught for me, starting with my mother’s birthday in October, Thanksgiving, my father’s birthday in December,…

The Merry Widow

It almost seems disloyal to title a post this way, but I think Will would understand: I’m really enjoying life these days. Part of it is anticipating the trip that’s coming up in nine days, 22 hours and 48 minutes (but who’s counting, right?); I’ve also been bitten by the Christmas bug. The holiday itself looks radically different from all my previous Christmases—who could’ve guessed that I’d be spending it at Disney World?—and there will be no presents to open that morning. But the spirit is still strong, and I spend most of my days listening to Christmas music instead of watching TV.

However, my current state of mind is that of gratitude, and I’ve realized to my amazement that I am as happy as I can be given the loss of my love. I miss him terribly and always will, but I’m learning to go on. Yesterday I went to Mass, watched football, and went out to dinner with Clark and Shelley (Ethan was at work). These things make me happy. So does a cup of hot, rich coffee first thing in the morning…writing my blog…being responsible with money. Could it be possible that I’ve become content with my lot in life?

It’s times like this that inevitably make me question my diagnosis. Were things really that bad, I wonder? Bad enough to be labeled bipolar 1? I know the medications are what’s keeping me sane and I’m not even tempted to mess with them, but I’ve been stable for so long now that the nightmare of the first few years after I was diagnosed seems like it never happened. Or if it did, it wasn’t as serious as it felt at the time. Back then, I was excruciatingly aware of all things bipolar, and had no idea of where the illness ended and where I began. That’s changed a lot. Now I can experience the full range of emotions without wondering if it’s the beginning of another manic or depressive episode. I can be sorrowful or sad, but I can also be joyful and optimistic. What a gift!

I haven’t even had to use my HappyLight this year. I’ll probably need it desperately in January, but so far none of my usual late fall/winter depression has shown up. Again, that’s probably because I’ve been looking forward to this vacation all year and now it’s very close. But it’s so nice to NOT have to deal with the usual dark moods that match the early darkness of these long nights.

Happy Holidays!



Reblog – I Am Here

Originally posted on Pain Pals:
I am here, Do you still see me? My heart is beating Within my broken shell. A mind is playing The words of a lifetime The will is surviving To write a legacy well. ? Am I succeeding? Am I still growing? In spite of a body That creaks with…

Lessons In Self-Care

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. Time to watch football, eat ourselves into a coma and enjoy togetherness with family and friends. Oh, and yes, to be thankful for what we have while knowing that other people are out catching the early Black Friday sales and running over each other in the process. (I did Black Friday shopping once. ONCE. Never again.)

It was also time to try out some coping mechanisms to help myself deal with the stress of having a houseful of folks over for the festivities. If you know me at all, you know how hard being in a crowd is on me—I quickly become overstimulated and overwhelmed, and I must find a way to deal with it or lose my shit. I love everyone who was here, and I do enjoy having company from time to time (even if some of them spend much of that time drinking). But 12 people in a medium-sized house is a bit much, and I noticed myself getting agitated. So, without explaining myself or apologizing, I left the party and went to my room for a time-out at several strategic points during the day.

It helped that my favorite football team was playing on TV, which was a great distraction. Bouncing back and forth between game and dinner preparations kept me sane and made me a much more pleasant person when I was out there. (It didn’t hurt that my team won by a decisive 28-6 score, either.) I don’t drink, so the fact that everyone else does is a sore subject with me. I never realized how obnoxious I must have been in my own drinking days until I quit. Not that anyone was being ridiculous, but it’s another source of stress and I don’t deal with it well. I try not to be judge-y about that, because I realize my idea of normal ETOH consumption is one or two drinks, and only once in a while. Other people can handle much more than that and not be alcoholics. Not me.

So dinner was finally ready and we all gathered, buffet style, to get our food. It was funny how little conversation there was as we ate; the turkey was amazing and the side dishes, including my homemade stuffing, were delicious. But the L-tryptophan in the meat soon did its work, and several of us lazed on sofas fighting drowsiness. It wasn’t long after dinner was finished that folks started getting ready to leave, and once everyone was gone, all four of us breathed a big sigh of relief, happy that they’d had a good time but oh-so-glad to have our quiet house back again.

Soon Ethan and Clark, and then Shelley decided to go to bed, leaving me alone to watch TV and surf the ‘Net as usual. But then something went wrong: I suddenly became over-amped and the feet started tapping, the thoughts started racing, and I was all over the map emotionally. It was like a mini-mixed episode. I muted the TV and began listening to all kinds of music on the iPod in the hope of soothing myself; I played Bach and Elvis and Lawrence Welk. It didn’t help. I forced myself to go to bed at midnight after checking my pillbox to make sure I’d taken my meds; I had, but I couldn’t settle down. The last time I looked at the clock, it was almost three in the morning and I still wasn’t ready for sleep, but I must’ve drifted off shortly thereafter because the next thing I heard was my alarm going off. Thankfully, I’m back to normal today though.

The takeaway lesson here is, I still have some work to do in learning self-soothing techniques to use whenever I feel overwhelmed and/or anxious. I’ll face the ultimate test next month at Disney World, where I won’t be able to escape the crowds. But I give myself some credit for having come this far; it wasn’t so long ago that I’d become angry and snap at people when they got in what I considered to be my space. I don’t do that anymore. 🙂



The Park As Good Medicine – Part 6

There’s A New Kid In Town First of all, let me introduce you to Miley, the puppy formerly known as Cupcake. We spent a day calling her and referring to her as Cupcake and realized it just wasn’t going to work – so my Hubby has now made it her middle name. Oh, and if …