Tag Archives: family

Chronic Illness + Moving = Humility

I know I haven’t written anything in quite awhile. Actually, I have written, just nothing that was ready for posting – thoughts, happenings, and other things I didn’t want to forget. The last three weeks have been a real lesson … Continue reading

Round And Round

…What goes around, comes around and so on. Or so claimed the song by Ratt, way back in the ’80s when music still made sense. (Well, it did to me. But then again, Will and I were smoking a lot of weed in those days.)

Spring has at long last arrived, and with it comes some much-welcomed energy. I’ve been out a lot lately for shopping trips in preparation for our big vacation in December, but I haven’t quite gone beyond what I call pre-hypomania despite what my Psych Central mood tracker says. I do sorta feel like I’m chasing my tail though. My attention flits from subject to subject and I haven’t been able to write, hence the lengthy interval since my last blog post. We also had a few days of tension in the house which, for reasons best left unexplained, sent my anxiety through the roof and I’m still a little shaky…thank the Lord for Klonopin!

But, I’m writing this piece now and I was able to pay attention to a whole movie this afternoon. It was the final Pirates of the Caribbean movie, Dead Men Tell No Tales. I don’t want to include spoilers; suffice it to say that for fans of the series, the ending is highly satisfying. It also brought to mind the ride at Disneyland, which is a lot of fun. I can’t WAIT to go to Disney World though. My son-in-law Clark has this great idea of having all the family wear Disney T-shirts on our first day there, so I bought the first Mickey Mouse shirt I’ve owned since I was in high school. Who says you can’t be a kid again?

Clark certainly can. He is a dyed-in-the-wool Disney fan and it’s so much fun to watch his eyes light up whenever he talks about it. He owns all manner of Disney souvenirs, clothes, even a very large (and expensive!) Mickey Mouse watch. He even loves the cartoons, like Lilo and Stitch and The Little Mermaid. You can’t help but love a guy like this…especially when he can almost make crusty ol’ bpnurse believe in magic again. Who knows? Maybe this trip will prove he’s been right all along.

Another exciting development is the big promotion my son Ethan got at work. He’s still an LPN but has been elevated to a management position complete with his own office, computer, and a Monday-thru-Friday schedule. He will be occupying the same position I’ve held at a couple of different points in my own career, and getting paid more per hour than I ever made as an RN. And this is only the beginning: he starts his RN program this summer. He’s doing it online, which makes it possible to work full-time while going to school at his own pace. Amazing what nursing students can do these days.

So that’s what’s going on in mi vida loca. Life can be overwhelming at times, and I’m still grieving for my dear Will. I miss him more every day he’s gone. We’re coming up on the first anniversary of his death in July and I am NOT looking forward to it; the only good thing I can say about it is that the “year of firsts” will at last be over. But with God’s beautiful warm sun shining down on me, I can make it through just about anything.

OK, good—on review, this post reads better than I thought it would when I sat down to write it. Hmmm…maybe what I need in order to focus is simply to WRITE and see what the hell comes of it. As long as there’s something to write about, that is. 🙂

 

 

 


The Borderline’s Dilemma: Don’t Fight the Calm Waters in Life

I am generally one to exaggerate any given idea, event, moment, description, but it is truer than true that my life is really pretty darn okay right now, and has been for a little while.

Yes, there are bumps in the road, but I am using skills more frequently (and without overthinking) to get through the bumps, and the bumps pass much faster than they ever used to.

For once in my life, I can say that my stress level is relatively low, and while that is super and great and amazing, the mental health issues I deal with can make me take calm and serenity and throw it out the window, to replace it with something a lot more familiar, like drama.

Yes, I am saying it:  My life is good right now and it is a daily, sometimes moment-to-moment struggle to not sabotage the hell out of it.  I have my slips mostly with LarBear, and he is very forgiving and never holds those little fits against me.  He knows what is going on, just as I do.  Things are good, and it is hard sometimes when things are good, because that is just so unfamiliar.

 

I laughed when I saw this post on Facebook, but there is such a grain of truth to it.  How many days in the last five years did I basically not get out of bed, or get up and get showered or dressed?  A lot, y’all, too many to count.  I spent months at a time not even leaving my house.

Now that I have regular activities like church and social whatnots and am exercising at the local pool every day, I am finding that I actually LIKE being out and about.  I don’t like to be out all the time, but I like it more than I ever thought I would.  Because things were the opposite for so long, sometimes I start to fall into a pattern where I ignore my social obligations, my appointments, the pool, these new people I have met, but I find myself turning the mind quickly back to this semi-stability that I have gathered (through a ton of hard work).

 

After years of angst, I finally have the people in my life that I need and deserve, and I have enough self-respect to cut ties when things are toxic or harmful in some way.  I still give people far too many chances, but I rarely let another person really harm me without slamming the door in his/her face.  I truly believe that the church family that has come into my life recently was meant to be, that the people in my exercise classes and at the YMCA were meant to be in my life right now for specific reasons.  I especially see now how my relationships with family members have changed for the positive, and how it could not have happened before.  And of course, some may tire of hearing it, but LarBear was certainly paired with me by something more purposeful than chance.

I really think that the key to my happiness now, and the methods that I employ to stay that way and to avoid fighting the peace within and without, is that I am doing things in my life every day that I love, with people that I love, with intention and purpose.  I have an amazing amount of love in my heart that is poured in by others, and my heart is full enough to pour into others, as well, which makes my heart even fuller.  Being positive and doing what is effective, is what works.  Keeping a close eye on your mood and your thoughts and your feelings, is very important.  I think so much of it just boils down to paying attention and to living a life you love.  That may sound oversimplified, but that is my sound bite.


Filed under: Daily Tagged: anxiety, Bipolar, borderline personality disorder, BPD, DBT, depression, dialectical behavior therapy, effectiveness, Family, happiness, love, mania, mental health, mental health recovery, PTSD, recovery, willingness

A Tale of Two Libraries

Bust of Dylan Thomas at the Poetry Library, London

“There is no love without loss.”

When I walked into the British Library, or, later that same day, the Poetry Library, I wasn’t thinking of my sister, who’s a medical librarian. I wasn’t even thinking of my late mother, who was a children’s librarian, and the key person responsible for my love of books.

That day, last week, it was all about me, and them: those magnificent keepers of the world’s knowledge, and passion. Because what is poetry, if it isn’t full of love, and loss, and the bittersweet experience we call life?

Today, though, I feel the distance between myself, and those I love: the distance of an ocean, and air miles, in the case of my sister; and death, in the case of my mum.

If there’s a heaven, it should include this: St Pancras Hotel, London, 2017

Can books, and in particular, poetry, bring us closer to those we love? I believe they can.

So many books take real people as their starting point. Sometimes they’re novels, with a person – living or dead – the basis for one or more fictional characters. Other times, they take the form of biographies, or even autobiographies, where the writer’s purpose is as much to bring back lost loved ones, as to record their own accomplishments, and – if it’s a good autobiography – failures, and more memorable mess ups, too.

Look up: look waaaaay up. British Library interior, 2017

Last Wednesday, I made a library sandwich, visiting the British Library in the morning, and the Poetry Library in the afternoon. The filling was the meeting I went to, inbetween. Both my library visits were brief. I had breakfast in the cafe in the British Library courtyard, where I also wrote a poem, then hit the gift shop.

I’ve been to the British Library at least half a dozen times now, but this was my first visit to the Poetry Library. My gratitude goes to my friend the author Stephanie Cage, who suggested my visit.

A door with a quote: the Poetry Library, London, 2017

The Poetry Library is on the fifth floor of the Royal Festival Hall, some place else I’d never been before, and which I found thanks to a friendly Londoner who was originally from Sierra Leone, and was attending his daughter’s concert at the Hall.

The library itself was much less grand than I’d expected, yet it was no less of a pleasure to visit. After a long, information packed meeting, it was good to get on the Tube, and then walk to, what was essentially a small, poetry-specific, library.

Having taken some snaps, and had a quick (Michi)gander, I decided to read some poetry by a writer who I’d previously avoided. All three were edited by her late husband, the Yorkshire poet Ted Hughes, whose festival is next month.

A small pile of Plath.

I’m sorry, Sylvia. I’m going to borrow one or two of your books from the local library. I’m still staying away from the “Bell Jar”, though. There’s only so much my bipolar tendency toward severe depression can take.

I like to think you’d understand.

It’s easy to misjudge people: write them off due to their mental, or physical health; or, indeed, both. To avoid them because of the way they smell, or think, or come out with inappropriate remarks from time to time.

Because they are them, and not us.

Statue of Nelson Mandela, outside the Royal Festival Hall

I took several photos of Nelson Mandela’s statue, as well as reading the inscription below. The older I get, the more I’m impressed by people who can move from positions of great suffering, and / or hatred, toward working with those who oppose, and opposed, them. People like Mandela, and Gandi; the Irishmen Martin McGuiness, and Ian Paisley. Which isn’t to suggest that they were all necessarily admirable people, for no one is, not all of the time.

Over the years I’ve shown a tendency to act like a record which keeps sticking, and skipping, in the same grooves, over, and over again.

It’s hard to move on, difficult to let go. And difficult to know when we should move on, and when we should stick to our metaphorical guns, and turn to our physical pens, and pencils, and keyboards.

I wish you a blessed and thoughtful Sunday, whoever, and wherever, you may be. May your thoughts be helpful ones; your library, peaceful.

A child’s view of the rules: Poetry Library, May 2017


Tagged: bipolar, British Library, family, grief, libraries, London, Nelson Mandela, poetry, Poetry Library, Sylvia Plath, Ted Hughes, Ted Hughes Festival 2017, The Bell Jar, writing

Denial

Now this isn’t probably a widely vocalized point. But after the events of the last week or so, and the day I spent worried sick about my son because he made a stupid decision. You can read about that Here

Anyway, I have decided there are times when forcing yourself to be in denial can only benefit you. Specifically when you have so many thoughts and emotions floating around that you can’t function. You can only have the picture of your child in a casket so many times before you have to do whatever it takes it get rid of it. So, I just decided to be in denial. What does denial give me??

Well, first it gives me the ability to talk about the situations in general terms without having a panic attack. Second, it allows me to see that hopefully one day my son will understand the impact his actions had on everyone, but specifically his dad and I. Second, it keeps me from reliving the same thoughts and emotions over and over. I literally can’t not let it go unless I just remove myself completely through denial. 

Since the other days actuvities I have found out there’s yet another thousand reasons why my child doesn’t get it. We are not helicopter parents or have we ever been. We allow our kids to make decisions for themselves and often allow the natural consequences to be the only punishment they receive. That’s not to say we don’t punish our kids but by the time they are driving and have jobs if you haven’t made the point to them, you aren’t going to. We are not however rich people. We bought our son a used car on credit and just paid the last of that off in the last 6 months(yes that would be the car he destroyed when he decided to drive through water). We didn’t even get mad about that. We just said well maybe you learned a lesson since you’re without a car now. Sorry, anyway, they don’t receive nothing but we often have to decide between one thing or another as far as money goes. So he got a car instead of braces. I’m sure there are those who believe their kids should get whatever they want, or that their children’s needs come before theirs. And in the very fundamental ways they do. But my son treats us like we destroyed his life because he was never able to get braces. And I am absolutely serious here. He made sure to point out I got my teeth fixed before him. Well, news flash there are things we legally have to provide and one of them is not braces, or dental care at all for that matter. And if after all the things we have gotten and given and done for you you hate us enough to not want to see us then that is on you. 

So as you can see there are many reasons for me to be in denial. And this really is just the tip of the iceberg. But denial works. Denial will allow me to at least sort of let these things go. Because there is nothing I can do about them right now. I can’t make my entitled selfish child understand how much we actually have him. So I have to wait for nature to take its course. I have to wait the 10,15, or 20 years it’s going to take for my son to realize what we truly gave him and how big a deal his “unwise”(that’s his word) decisions were last week. And in the mean time I don’t want to spend that much time not talking to my kid and having him in my life. 

So I will be in denial. I will pull some of these things out and think on them from time to time. But mostly I will be in denial. I will stay there until some day in the future when my son is ready and we can discuss this. I will stay there because if I don’t I will likely only want revenge. Or to keep things from my son like gifts, and holidays, and family dinners. I will want to punish him for something that I KNOW he has no way of understanding right now. Denial will allow me to act like what I want to feel inside. It will allow me to keep loving him and keep giving to him because he’s my son and I love him. 

I’m really not a fake person. Ask anybody who knows me and they will tell you that what you see is what you get. And it’s true. In most cases I don’t have the ability to be fake without it greatly affecting my brain.  It destroys what is inside of me and causes me to a be a person that I never want to be. So, when it’s my kid or another family member I just use denial. 

I think I probably learned this sometime during the 20ish years I was not diagnosed or treated. I’m just now able to see some of these things for what they are. And while many a person will tell you denial is bad. I will tell you it’s good, even for just a short time sometimes. I can tell you that should anything tragic happen to anyone in my family or close circle of friends I will have to be in denial, or I will end up in the hospital. It’s not that you don’t have emotions or don’t care. It’s a defense mechanism. It allows for the passage of time to sooth the rough edges of the pain, or anger, or heartache and allow you to keep living when all you really want to do is checkout and spend copious amounts of time alone. It allows me to be removed a little bit so I can still do the things that need to be done. Mostly, it’s going to allow me to love my son. To be around him and enjoy him and share life with him until someday in the future when it finally hits him how what he did made me feel. Because otherwise I wouldn’t be able to let it go. My obsessive thoughts would sneak in and destroy any kind of involvement that there is. So I will get all the way to full denial one day soon and when I do I will be able to think about him without wanting to strangle him. Or without trying to force from him and acknowledgement or apology that he isn’t prepared to give at this time. But it will let us be close and be a family and I would never want that to be compromised or taken from anyone in our family because of actions that may have been hurtful, or nasty words that have been said. I won’t deprive my family of part of the family because I can’t make my brain do what I want it to. So I will be in denial. I will live my life and I will pray that one day my son will truly understand what he did to us and why it was such a big deal. 

Denial, a good way to cope when you find yourself with no other good choices. 

Thanks for reading! Be blessed today!! And hug the people you love, even if you have to find yourself in denial to do so. 


Obsessive Thoughts

My 18 year old son did something stupid. First, a couple days ago he and a friend decided to drive on a road that was partially flooded from all the rain we have had. Then the water was higher when they came back and so of course he tried to drive through it anyway and got his car stuck. Now we don’t know the whole story. Only bits and pieces that he has shared that we are pretty confident isn’t the whole story. Anyway, yesterday they decided to go back and try to see if they could get his car out of the water at least and then get it out when the water goes down. And we are talking about 6-8 miles. We still aren’t sure how far down it was. So they left their car where the sign was that the road was closed and proceeded to walk through the water. At 8 or so I guess they stopped at a guys house and my son uses his phone to call my husband and tell him they were out there. Leaving out how much water and how far they were going. At 10pm the man whose phone my son used called my husband to say that the boys were last seen in very high water and that he had called the sheriff. But thought that we should call them as well. So he did that and we called family to let them know they were missing. My husbands friend came over and took him out to where the car was. By this time they had sheriff, state police, and game and fish out there looking for the boys. We got the call about 130am that they had found them but were having a hard time getting to them. They made it home and my husband said my son stuck his head in the door and was like “well operation get my car failed”. 

Really?? I mean really?? That’s what you have to say. We talked to them this morning and when I told my son that I thought he was dead floating in the water somewhere. And that I had pictured him in a casket, he acted like it didn’t matter. He doesn’t seem to understand that this was a BIG deal. One of his friends has been staying with us and my husband told them they could both get out. I don’t know if that’s the right decision but I can’t stop picturing my baby floating in the water. And this is where the obsessive thoughts come in. I know I am supposed to be happy and overjoyed that they are ok and safe at home. And I am. But mostly I am stuck. I can’t stop thinking about how bad it could have been. I can’t stop seeing my baby in a casket. I can’t stop being mad at him. What a stupid stupid choice. And I just can’t seem to let it go. I have a rock sitting in my chest that won’t go away. And there’s no medication in this world that could take this away from me. He’s my baby! 

I can’t stop thinking about what might have happened. I know it’s not good for me but when I can stop thinking about that then I just so mad at him. I have told him over and over that if anything ever happened and I didn’t know what he was doing I would be so mad. Well, he told us what he was doing but definitely didn’t make it seem as big a deal as it was. We went this morning and looked at where they started at and as far as you can see the road is covered in water. And not just a little bit of water. It was at least a couple feet deep and probably much deeper as they moved further into it. Why?? Why would they think that was something they should do? I don’t understand. And I don’t understand why they haven’t said I’m sorry. Or we shouldn’t have gone out there. All they want to do is tell “their” story. But the thing is that doesn’t matter because they never should have set on foot in that water to begin with. And I had just talked to them about how scary flood water is. It can get higher in a matter of seconds at times. I TOLD them how scary it can be and that you never know what can happen. And yet they walked right past the road closed sign into the water and proceeded to walk miles down the road. I can’t let it go. I’m sure I will eventually but I just can’t. I am so mad and I am so disappointed and ashamed. He made a bad choice and he doesnt car or think he did anything wrong. 

I’m stuck. I’m stuck between to scenarios that both make me incredibly angry. I’m stuck because I can’t stop thinking about how he could have been dead. I have always wondered how people live when their children die. And I am hear to say that I got close enough last night. I would not be able to keep living the life I am now if one of my kids was to die.  I can’t let it go. I can’t be joyful. It’s making me even more sad. I just can’t get past the anger and the stupidity of their actions. I can’t get past the fact that I don’t know how many people where out looking for my child because he made a massive mistake. I haven’t heard I’m sorry or we learned our lesson. All they want to do is tell their story. It’s stupid and there is no story. You should have never set foot in the water much less when it is starting to get dark and you know you have a long way to walk. 

I can’t stop them. I can’t let it go. 

I’m sorry this was repetitive. But I just can’t let it go. I’m sure I will one day not too far down the road. But those images will still be there. I know there will be times when it comes flooding back. I won’t be able to get rid of those thoughts. They will hit me out of no where and I will be frozen by them. I don’t know how you are supposed to forget thinking that your child was dead and that you have to bury them. I am so sad. And I am so mad. 

I hate that bipolar makes me latch on to things. It’s like once I get it in my head I can’t get it out. It’s there forever. I don’t know if anyone around me really understands that. I don’t say the things I say just because I want to talk. When I tell you that if something bad happens and you lied or I didn’t know where you were I am going to mad. I don’t WANT to be mad. But that’s what happens. And it takes a few days before I can talk about it without being mad. I hate that I am this way. I want to change it. But how do you change thoughts that come out of no where. Your rolling along and BAM it comes back full force and you feel it all over again. I guess I will stop here so I don’t say the same things again and again anymore. 
Thank you for reading! And as always be blessed today!!


The More Things Change…

Daily Prompt – Panicked Wow, it has been ages since I have sat down to write a post and a lot has happened. We have booked the movers, the cleaners, and the telephone/cable/internet company. Our official move date is May … Continue reading

Family

We had my grandsons birthday party at our house today. It ended up just being family. But no less than 3 times did I look around and think I am so blesssed. I even started thinking about the future. When our grandsons have babies(yes it hopefully at least 15 years away for both of them), but I was thinking about it. I was thinking about how much I have always wanted a house full of people that love each other and are real with each other. 

I don’t ever remember a time where I did that. Where I took the time to not be stressed or irritated at something that happened. Just having the thought was new for me. And I liked it, a LOT!! 

My son has his prom tonight. Him and a group of friends went to eat in the big city of Little Rock, and then they are coming back for the dance. Justin called me in his room to put his bow tie on, and he looked so good and grown up!! I may have teared up, but I did NOT cry! Yay me!! We got to take pictures with him and then one of the other moms went with the kids and sent me the pictures they took in Little Rock. 

It hasn’t been a secret that I am having a difficult time with him graduating. So much so that I took a leave of absence from work. It’s subconscious. Even though I am so proud and happy for him. Honestly, I’m not really sure what my deal is. He’s going to college in town. So it’s not like he’s going far away. Honestly I think if he was a would have a complete break down at some point. It’s like this issue is all my brain can handle. So when work is stressful it’s like I have an even shorter fuse. So leave of absence was a good choice for me. 

I used to think that things like that weren’t ok because I am still physically capable of doing my job. But I have slowly been learning that I have to take care of me. If I don’t take care of me I won’t be any good to anyone else. AND when I take care of me I can stop in the middle of the chaos and savor the moments with the people I love. 

We have a new family member too. Actually he has been family for a while. He is Justin’s best friend. He is living with us for a while. So our house is full of schedules, and places to be, and working kids, concerts, over nighters, skating parties. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Tonight after prom justin and chase will come home (eventually) and they are bringing 2 other friends. While I have told him 4 times they have to be quiet. I am fairly confident they will be. They asked about one friend and then I got a text asking if another one could stay. My very first thought was I always wanted to be the house where the kids hang out. I just got my wish. 4 high school boys in my house being high school boys. I’m sure there will be more days like this. My daughter is 12 and I’m sure we have sleepovers coming in her future as well. 

I like knowing my kids friends. I like that Chase calls me his other Mom. I like that I can talk to them and relate to them. I like that I somehow managed to get exactly what I want. I am so thankful that because of my medication I can have those moments. Those moments that no one can take away and that I will carry with me forever. I love that my house is often full and loud. That our kids want to be with us and have special times together. I am blessed and I will not soon forget these precious moments. 

I know this was long and possibly repetitive. For that I’m sorry!

Thank you for reading and I hope that you are blessed beyond measure. And are able to have those moments where you realize you have everything you have ever wanted!!


Ten Things of Thankful: Blessings Beyond Measure

It has been such a long time since I have written a “Ten Things of Thankful” post.  I was a bit worried the group had broken up, but it makes my heart happy to find that the same core group exists, and they even have their own webpage now (which you can access by clicking the above link).

Someone once said that there are so many flowers at a funeral is because people have more regret and guilt in their hearts than gratitude.  I don’t believe that is true, but I do believe that people, in general, including myself, specifically, don’t always access their gratitude to the same degree that guilt and regret can be at the forefront of the mind.  To make things even more complex, there are some circumstances or people or events or states of being that people feel both regret or guilt for, yet are intensely thankful for this particular item in their life.

One of the often-mentioned “thing of thankfulness” is a person.  I know I am incredibly grateful for the different people in my life, but I also have great amounts of regret and guilt about how, perhaps, I have handled some of the situations I have found myself in with certain people.  It follows that my feelings towards some people are a mixed bag, just as my feelings toward certain events are mixed, are a sort of paradox.  How dialectical, right?  (Ok, Ms. DBT, we get it!)

In no particular order, I am currently, at this moment, crushingly grateful (and sometimes regretful of certain bits) for:

(ONE)

LarBear continues to be my daily rock.  Sometimes we disagree, sometimes we even have harsh words with each other, but we always come back together, stronger than ever.  We don’t ever let an argument or disagreement last very long, and we are both keen to point out to the other just how much we love each other, just how good we are together in so many ways, and how any negativity that might exist between us is always overcome by a sincere appreciation for the love and caring that we have for each other.  I had to kiss many frogs (toads, even) to meet my prince, and I don’t think my life would feel complete without him in it.

(TWO)

There are the obvious people in life that I am thankful for, namely those people making up my inner circle (when added to LarBear).  I have to say that I am happy with the relationship I have with QoB and Mikey Mike, moreso than ever before.  I feel like we all understand each other better than at any other moment in time, and also feel like I have been able (with some prodding) to step out more into my own life and not rely so heavily on them, but know that they are still available, and still right there.  My  dad is also a great support, and is often “the one” who gets selected to talk me off the ledge, if you will.  He can, at times, insert such compassion and common sense and reason into a conversation, that he can truly set my many anxieties aside.

(THREE)

My sister, Ab…wow, I am just so proud of her, for the great mom that she is, for the amazing things she has done with her life, for her accomplishments professionally and personally, but mostly I am proud of her because we have worked and worked at building a relationship and I feel like we are really getting there.  She is teaching me things about life that I never knew, never appreciated, and I would like to think that she is realizing the things that I have to give to the relationship that are of value.  I am very thankful for my network of online friends.  While there is only one or two people that I “speak” with on a regular basis, it seems that I can return to these relationships after months of being “gone” and things can be picked right back up.

(FOUR)

My mental health treatment team is pretty amazing, and I was lucky enough to be in touch with Goddess of Mindfulness lately, and that just made me realize how far I have come in so many different areas.

(FIVE)

I haven’t been in the crisis center or the hospital for just over one year now, with my last stay being in April of 2016.  There have been several times when nurses, therapists, family have wanted me to go, but I have (stubbornly) resisted and here I am, still standing and doing pretty darn well.

(SIX)

My jewelry is starting take off at the gallery, after nearly a year of it just kind of sitting there.  I am getting better at my craft, and taking more pleasure from it.  Like my original art therapist said, take pleasure in the process and everything else will fall into place.

(SEVEN)

I have managed to get into an exercise and nutritional plan that works for me.  There have been tweaks along the way, but I am seeing some success and I am staying away (for the most part) from any eating disordered behavior, and I haven’t been able to say that for ages.

(EIGHT)

I have found a new friend, and she has introduced me to a new church.  I am taking things slowly, but it feels good to be back in a church and I really am enjoying the people in this particular place.

(NINE)

Kizzie and Lucy continue to keep on keeping on, even though now they are considered to be something of “senior” dogs.  They still play and want snuggles and pets and pretty words and treats, and I plan to just keep enjoying every moment we have with them.

(TEN)

Last, but certainly not least…I have a new niece!  Miss Adelaide Louise was born to my sister and her husband earlier this month and she is sweeter than sweetness itself.  More to come about her and my nephew, Oscar, who is now THE big brother!


Filed under: Ten Things of Thankful Tagged: Family, gratitude, list, Ten Things of Thankful, thankful, thankful list

And then it’s not…..

I have done pretty well for the last 3 years. I have had issues here and there but I have been mostly stable. 

Well, it started when my son won 4th in State in his weight class for wrestling. Whoop whoop!! Anyway, the second the match was over I went into a full blown panic attack. I thought it was because he deserved 3rd place, which he did, but boy was I wrong. 

I made the hour long trip home alone with the music turned up. On that ride I realized it wasn’t the match that was bothering me. It was that it was over. Wrestling being over meant that all that was left is graduation. And then the crying started all over again. 

I have been trying since then to get myself ready or prepare myself for graduation, and get to a place where I could make it through that day without being a complete basket case. 

A couple weeks ago I finally faced the fact that isn’t going to happen. And that I need something to help me, if even just for that day. I refuse to destroy HIS day because I can’t control my emotions. 

One day in the car I caught one line from the song My Wish, by Rascal Flatts, and it literally took my breath away. Out of no where. I can’t even think about the actual day without tearing up. 

Then some stuff at work got added to that and I just can’t deal. I want everything to go away. I just want to be left alone. I am not allowing myself to isolate because I know that would only make it worse. And I HAVE to make it through graduation with a smile on my face. He deserves it and he has earned it. And I am so far past proud of who he is and where he is going. 

So I had another panic attack this week mostly because of work. But I know that the underlying reason is that I am not handling this whole graduating thing well( see sitting here with tears running down my face even talking about it). I don’t want my son to see me this way on his big day. I want him to see and know how proud of him I am and that he is truly amazing!

It’s really not fair. I don’t want to be this way. My logical mind can seperate the two but my subconscious seems to be stuck and I can’t figure out how to get it unstuck. I am so unbelievably overwhelmed and I can’t figure out how to make myself fix it. So at this point I am wondering if I am just gonna have to be almost comatose to make it through this day. I don’t want that either. I want to remember this day. I want to treasure it. 

See I don’t know how to live without him with me. I had just turned 18 when I had him. He has always been there. I have never been an adult without him. I have tried to say that in an effort to prepare myself. But even as I type this my eyes well up just saying the words. I will have to start to learn how to be my own person, and not a Mom. Of course I still have my younger 2 but they aren’t far behind him. 5 and 6 years from now I will be in the same place with them. But I don’t know how to do that. I can’t even begin to know how to enjoy life and have fun without my babies. To be clear I have always been a mother. I have always had someone else to think about and worry about. To make a decision strictly for myself very rarely happens. There’s always kids involved somehow, even if it’s just finding a babysitter. I don’t really know how to do anything different. And I am pretty confident this is not something anyone can tell me how to do. I have to figure out how to let go and how to be me all by myself. Well, with my husband of course but that’s not the same as kids. 

I know they will always be mine. I know they will always be around and love me, us, and each other. But that doesn’t change the fact that my subconscious is having a field day with this. And I am suffering in the process. I have taken what amounts to a leave of absence from work. I really can’t deal with this and some issues that are going on there. I hate to admit this is where I am at. I don’t want to be here. I want to keep working so I have spending money. But I’m gonna have to give that up for now because I can’t carry all this stuff into a work environment. It only makes it worse and I can’t do my job right. 

This isn’t fun! It’s not something I want or would choose. But one thing I have learned is that if I don’t listen to what my mind is telling me it will only continue to get worse. So I will take this time off. Unless I get a handle on this,  likely until after we pack my son up and move him into the dorm in August I will be working on other things here at home. Maybe I will try to make some things to sell or for Christmas presents for family. I have to take this time. I have to slow down and wrap my mind around these majors changes. If I don’t I know it won’t be ok. And I could likely end up hurting the people I love and care about, and I do NOT want to do that. It’s hard to face this reality, especially when I have been so stable, but ignoring won’t help anyone. 

If you’ve read all this. Thanks! I hope maybe something resonated with you and you might be better for it. Even if not be blessed today!!