Tag Archives: family
You’d think Gene Roddenberry would have known better.
Still, Bill Shatner could Shakespearize anything, even bad grammar.
But I digress.
Boldly going, I’m moving to Oklahoma.
My sister and I started talking about it when I visited her there over Christmas. We let it sit a while to see if it was just holiday cheer and wishful thinking, then decided the plan had legs. What really put shoes on those legs, though, was my brother’s offer to support me enough to live somewhere other than subsidized housing.
It’s been a shock, really, to be given this unconditional support, to know that my siblings are with me, to come to understand that I am not alone. We didn’t grow up this way, you see. Grand generosity was never our family’s forté. Small gifts, yes. Limited support with strings, yes. Pull up your big girl panties and stand on your own two feet lectures, yes. This level of largess requires a complete brain dump and reboot. What I thought I knew as truth isn’t.
I’m also struggling with the urge to hide in my apartment until it’s time to move. I can feel myself disengaging from my life here, from both difficult and delightful relationships, from the activities that fill this life. All the reasons I want and need to leave this place rear up like trained elephants, trumpeting and rolling wild eyes at me.
But I have a trip to Taos at the end of February, to make art with friends and breathe in the mountains of the West. I want to enjoy that trip. And I know I will need time afterward for my brain to do what it does with change and stress. It will be well into spring before I leave this little apartment that I’ve worked so hard to make into a Nest. I need to stay present and grounded in now, take care of my friendships, do the work in front of me each day.
In the meantime, my sister is in High Research Mode, talking to her realtor friends and sussing out neighborhoods. In a month or so, she’ll start looking at places for me to rent. She has my Must Have list (I have several lists going—that’s one way to keep the Greener Pastures Gremlins from taking over).
Transition is always a challenge, as is stress. Even good stress. So, while I do the work in front of me, I must also Do My Work. Be kind, gentle and generous with myself. Allow the terrified elephants a chance to walk on four feet and sing themselves to sleep.
Because (all together now), I’m on an Adventure.
Today I woke up in a completely different place than I did yesterday. I laughed at something my husband said to me about 5 minutes after I woke up. It was nice, my husband is so awesome at making me laugh, sometimes even when I am at my darkest. When I am depressed he always asks if there is something he can do to help. Usually there isn’t but it’s so awesome that he wants me to feel better.
Last night I had a dream that I lived in a house with a group of people and all these other people kept coming over and touching my stuff, it was really pissing me off. Even touching the phone set me off on a rant. What a weird dream to have, I wonder what it means. I don’t have people over to my house very often. I used to have a weekly dinner with my sister in law and mother in law but I started shutting myself off when the depression got to be too much. I think I need to start having them over again.
Today I think I’ll have another relaxing Sunday where I just sit and listen to music for a couple/few hours. Music is really a part of me, even if I don’t play an instrument. Even when I’m depressed I sometimes listen to music so I can zone out and forget about how I’m feeling. Isn’t it wonderful to have something so simple be so helpful?
Well off to listen to some tunes, hope you have a wonderful day.
It’s so weird waking up multiple days in a row and feeling ok. I’m happy with okay, it’s better than depression any day.
Today I woke up listened to my favorite song (it’s not my time by 3 doors down) and thought about how much I love animals. This Christmas I donated to both the ASPCA and the Nebraska Humane Society. I’d like to do more but we’re not rich. If I was though I would be helping a lot more animals protection agencies. So I lay in bed daydreaming about animals being safe from the cruelty of the world. It made me feel good that I have helped some. I would love to adopt another dog if they allowed us to own 3 in our county. I love my two fur babies so much!
It was my moms birthday today and I had a long conversation with her where I actually talked some instead of just say yeah, mm yeah.. Which is what I tend to do when I am depressed. That makes me feel well, happy I suppose would be the word. Though I hate to jinx myself.
Anyhow that’s what I have to say for today.
No, I am not mixed up with my sports terminology! The picture and title don’t match, but you will see the connection soon! The passing of Johnny Bower, the hockey goalie (shown above), brought back memories of my Dad. He was a diehard hockey fan and I became one as well watching it every Saturday night …
It almost seems disloyal to title a post this way, but I think Will would understand: I’m really enjoying life these days. Part of it is anticipating the trip that’s coming up in nine days, 22 hours and 48 minutes (but who’s counting, right?); I’ve also been bitten by the Christmas bug. The holiday itself looks radically different from all my previous Christmases—who could’ve guessed that I’d be spending it at Disney World?—and there will be no presents to open that morning. But the spirit is still strong, and I spend most of my days listening to Christmas music instead of watching TV.
However, my current state of mind is that of gratitude, and I’ve realized to my amazement that I am as happy as I can be given the loss of my love. I miss him terribly and always will, but I’m learning to go on. Yesterday I went to Mass, watched football, and went out to dinner with Clark and Shelley (Ethan was at work). These things make me happy. So does a cup of hot, rich coffee first thing in the morning…writing my blog…being responsible with money. Could it be possible that I’ve become content with my lot in life?
It’s times like this that inevitably make me question my diagnosis. Were things really that bad, I wonder? Bad enough to be labeled bipolar 1? I know the medications are what’s keeping me sane and I’m not even tempted to mess with them, but I’ve been stable for so long now that the nightmare of the first few years after I was diagnosed seems like it never happened. Or if it did, it wasn’t as serious as it felt at the time. Back then, I was excruciatingly aware of all things bipolar, and had no idea of where the illness ended and where I began. That’s changed a lot. Now I can experience the full range of emotions without wondering if it’s the beginning of another manic or depressive episode. I can be sorrowful or sad, but I can also be joyful and optimistic. What a gift!
I haven’t even had to use my HappyLight this year. I’ll probably need it desperately in January, but so far none of my usual late fall/winter depression has shown up. Again, that’s probably because I’ve been looking forward to this vacation all year and now it’s very close. But it’s so nice to NOT have to deal with the usual dark moods that match the early darkness of these long nights.