Tag Archives: Depression

Adulting Is Hard Work

I couldn’t really think up a good title so I just went with my good friend Sass’s term for being a grown up and having to do all those parenty adult things that suck the life out of you :’adulting’.

I did manage to get an extra 20 minutes sleep this morning after waking at 3:30 a.m. I thought for sure I’d come home and sleep once I’d dropped off the spawn at school. But I was in withdrawal and panic mode as I had run out of smokes so I swallowed my pride and offered R a deal of “home cooked meal for smokes”. Shameful but necessary. I ran some errands, including Aldi, which is akin to having my eyeballs scooped out with a melon baller. Just the parking lot alone with cars going willy nilly and backing up and turning in, GAHHHHH.

On top of the dish adulting…I vacuumed most of the house, washed and dried and put away 3 loads of laundry. (only to find later when I heard a scratching noise that Feet had been laying in my drawer and I’d closed her inside the dresser. OOPS. Dumb cat could have meowed or something.) I washed dishes, I cooked a good meal, which my kid wouldn’t eat but I enjoyed it.

Spook was ungrounded today and within an hour, I had to take her new bike and put it in the shed. She was letting her friend ride it and the kid didn’t ask, just took off on it. I was pissed. After the fact I thought, these kids must think I am the grouchiest bitch on Earth. But ya know, you can only be taken advantage of so many times and have your stuff destroyed before you wise up. I did feel bad so I walked down to where they were playing and gave them popsicles.

R asked me to call his eldest daughter tomorrow because the cat she’s had 18 years, even when he and I were together the cat was there, had to be put to sleep and she is taking it hard. Oh, wow, do I know how that feels. I didn’t want to call after 9 cos of her 2 kids but I will make the call tomorrow and pretend I have social skills. It could be the lithium making me feel distanced, IDK. I know how it feels every time I lose a kitty and I am not a monster, I can reach out and show empathy and give condolences. Even if her approach to psychology is the very reason the mentally imbalanced get screwed by professionals.

A bright ray today..A laptop was left at the shop and R gave it to me. My nephew got it up and running (for the price of a pizza, a $400 computer for $14!!!) and I lurve it. It is very thin and it has touch screen, which I hate touch screen tablets and phones but it was a new gimmick. Not that anything is wrong with Mira here (Mira-cle, cos it was a miracle a beloved friend sent it to me so I could keep writing, oh I miss you, H.) The slim computer shall be called Sliver.I am not using it yet because I used a charger thing from another computer and I don’t think the rating is right, it was getting too hot so another thing I will need to buy. Sad when you don’t even know if you can work ten bucks out of your budget. But school pictures, cost of food, gas, blah blah blah…adds up and I usually do without to get it all done. ADULTING SUCKS.

Another bright note…It nearly killed me to not write all day but I had to focus on all I’d neglected. I sat down at 8:30 after I put Spook to bed and by 11:30…I typed 17 pages. Which is good considering I had no idea where the story was going to go from where it left off yesterday. I winged it and now I don’t feel so depressed.

I even worked in a shower and now I am watching Supernatural and a killer clown is loose and I dislike clowns but don’t fear them. Just, Pinhead, Jason, Freddy-no clowns, too icky.

Amazing how I got all this done on so little sleep with so much anxiety and yesterday I was a basketcase due to the same things. Bipolar just keeps on going like that battery bunny from hell.

Speaking of hell…Don’t tell me to go there. I can’t, at least not til Satan has that restraining order lifted.

I LURVE snarky t-shirts.

Back to Dean and Sam then I will attempt sleep. Adulting sucked but I did okay. Which means I will likely have a few not okay days.

The fact this has become the new norm is just suckage.


4:56 a.m.

So of course,a couple of days after telling my shrink I’m sleeping better these days…I wake at 1:30 a.m., then 3:30 a.m. and I’ve been awake since in spite of 0.5 mg xanax. The weather has been shitty and I am freezing, and oh, once I turned off the furnace for the season thinking, oh,’it’s 85 degrees, why do I need to pay for heat? The damned furnace went out again.

I suppose shark week and all those rioting hormones explain why I am so uncomfortable (in pain!!!) and moody and probably even why I’m battling the sleep issue. Because it wasn’t aggro enough to spend ninety minutes trying to fall asleep. No, my scumbag brain never thinks it’s enough aggravation for me.

If you want some sunshine spewed…I’ve been writing again, even though I thought for sure last week that the whole socialization thing had wrecked it. 600 pages and counting. (Not that impressive when you consider the 1.5 line spacing.) It’s something and I will take it, though some days it’s like giving a gator a dental cleaning. I have to pull out the creativity while the chaos around me distracts and stresses me out.

The weekend brought to my attention that while I have long blamed those devil neighbor girls for making my life a living hell…I had to face the problem is actually my child. Because she made four new friends with little girls new to the trailer part and she is still driving me nuts running in and out, demanding food for them, and not being where she says she will be. She even let the devil girls mess with her brand new bike she got for Easter (my mom bought it, I don’t have that kind of money or insanity, it’s frickin’ Easter, man.)

I never thought my kid was perfect but I feel bad now for blaming the devil girls entirely. My kid is the problem. She is a follower and she will do anything for these other kids to like her and she doesn’t care how her running in and out and dragging 4 kids inside with her even when told know tears my mental balance to shreds. It’s not that she’s ‘just a little kid’. She knows right from wrong at school. I guess I have just been sleepwalking through life for so long, I didn’t instill enough fear of consequence in her for her to respect me and give a damn that her actions are driving me off the deep end.

She did her best to break me yesterday because I couldn’t find her Saturday where she said she’d be. Then she came out of the woods with this new girl and I made her come in and she was grounded yesterday for both not being where she said she would and also, disobeying me by going in the woods. And to prove what a sheeple my kid is, she is STILL trying to sway me with “Joanna Banana Socks’s parents let her play on the tree chipper!” That follower mentality just infuriates me. But I did not break yesterday, she was in the whole day and I personally turned away 4 different kids. My social butterfly needs some boundaries even if at the end of the day I want to go cry in the closet from the anxiety of her browbeating me all day.

To my credit, I did not cry. Might be the first time in months the raging hormones didn’t send me to tears.

So life is still a bowl full of worm infested rotting cherries and my shrink says I look so much better but…I don’t feel all that better. I get animated talking about being able to write again and suddenly, he thinks I’m on the road to cured.

Have I ever mentioned how over this bipolar thing I am? I want every vestige of it plucked from my brain even if it leaves me a drooling looney tune. Not like I’d notice much difference between this life and lobotomized life.

Did I mention I am also very cranky and spiteful before ten a.m.? I should not be awake at this ungodly hour. My whole day is going to be thrown off by this sleep disturbance which is going to piss me off and I will be exhausted…

That’s all it takes with bipolar. One little breeze of mood shift or heightened anxiety, and the dominoes all start falling. They don’t even fall in an awesome pattern.


To Sleep or Not to Sleep – That Is the Question

According to WebMD (which I find a pretty reliable source), “An inability to sleep is one of the key signs of clinical depression. Another sign of clinical depression is sleeping too much or oversleeping.” http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/depression-sleep-disorder#1

So, apparently, with either unipolar or bipolar depression, either way you’re screwed when it comes to sleeping.

Most of what I could find online about depression and sleep talked about depression and insomnia. WebMD says:

An inability to sleep, or insomnia, can be one of the signs of depression…. Lack of sleep alone cannot cause depression, but it does play a role. Lack of sleep caused by another medical illness or by personal problems can make depression worse. An inability to sleep that lasts over a long period of time is also an important clue that someone may be depressed. http://www.webmd.com/depression/sleep-depression#1

But, they add, “a small percentage of depressed people, approximately 15%, oversleep or sleep too much.”

I seem to be in the 15% that sleep too much. I usually wake up around 7:00 or 8:00, take my morning meds, and go back to sleep until 9:30 or 10:00. Sometimes I have a little nap in the afternoon. (For me, a “little nap” is about two hours.) I take my nighttime meds at 11:00 and am asleep by 12:00.

That’s a lot of sleeping.

Of course, those are just averages, just when I’m depressed, and just when I have no deadline-dependent work to do. Many days lately, I have been getting out of bed when I first wake up and skipping the afternoon nap. But then I go to bed even earlier, though I usually read for a couple of hours.

On the other hand, I’m subject to mixed states, when depression and anxiety coexist. When that happens, I want desperately to sleep, but can’t turn off my idiot bipolar brain. I’ll lie awake thinking about my writing, or my finances, or any damn thing. I’ll wake up at 5:00 and do the same. Those are often the days when I try to work in a nap.

Back to WebMD. They note:

Doctors may sometimes treat depression and insomnia by prescribing an SSRI along with a sedating antidepressant or with a hypnotic medication. However, hypnotic drugs usually should be taken for a short period of time. http://www.webmd.com/depression/sleep-depression#

Part of my nighttime meds are an anti-anxiety drug and a sleeping aid, plus an SSRI and an atypical. So, am I overmedicated?

It’s possible. But I trust my psychiatrist, and I’ve been on this regimen for a number of years now. My bipolar symptoms are now fairly well controlled, I’m able to work, and with the help of my husband, I manage to get through most days with level moods, only mild depression, and only occasional hypomania. I’ve been on other drugs and other combinations of drugs that did not work as well, or gave me horrible and vivid nightmares or other side effects.

I don’t want to hear opinions on the drugs I take from people who are not M.D.s and have never met me, or as Jenny Lawson said recently, “something that every person who deals with mental illness dreads…well-meaning advice from others.” Believe me, whatever it is, I’ve tried it. That’s not why I’m writing this.

What I do have to say: Whether you sleep too much or not enough, bipolar disorder may be the cause. There are treatments, some involving meds, and others not. Meditation, for example, helps many people sleep. (My mother used to sing herself to sleep with hymns when she had insomnia.) It’s a thing to discuss with your psychiatrist and/or your psychotherapist. He or she may be able to help. You don’t have to go through sleep disruptions without treatment. Even with all the problems that sleep causes me, I’ve got a system that works well enough for me.

And … now my insurance company thinks it knows better than my psychiatrist and only allows me a sleeping aid every other day. Apparently my choices are pay for it myself or take Benadryl. Again, I’m not asking for advice. Just restful, restorative sleep.


Filed under: Mental Health Tagged: anxiety, bipolar disorder, depression, drug side effects, my experiences, psychotropic drugs, sleep, sleep disorders

Last Day Of Nerd Class!!

Yeah!!  Today is the last day of nerd class!!  I am celebrating by drinking a vodka and grapefruit juice during class.  Does that seem like a good idea?  No?  I think it’s a GREAT idea!  Vodka makes everything FUNNER!  I know, I know, talk to me in the morning.

This class has really taken the piss out of me.  It’s been 5-9pm for two weeks.  Let me tell you, by 5pm, my attention span is that of a gnat.  Trying to listen or concentrate has been HELL!  Of course, the last night is on Cryptography…zzzzzzzzzzzzz oh sorry I fell asleep for a second there.  It will be a MIRACLE if I stay with it through the end of class.  Pray that I don’t cause a booze-induced disruption.

That’s all for now, back to class, oh!  They’re talking about RC4!  Woo!


Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar and Learning Tagged: Bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, Blogging, Cryptography, Depression, Humor, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader

It was a Goodbye to All

My feet touched fire
My mind was unleashed
Unhinged
I didn’t know you
And I certainly didn’t know me
Treading down wind
Faceless and unrepressed
Damp air curled my hair
Anger furled my brow
Slow climb down the rocks
With a pervasive racing heart
Innocence fueled my desire
Calm ocean waves to feed my soul
Haywire at best
Clouds so blue
Eyes turning upward
As synapses collide
The taste of silver
Of metallic
Cursed my lips
Danger
Cold water dances on my toes
Why am I here
Steady rise to my feet
And cold stark words
Fall from my mouth
Goodbye
Goodbye to all


I Faced My Fear! (Well, Partially…)

Last Wednesday I went to my first Toastmasters Meeting and I survived! (I wrote about my fear of public speaking in this post and described a little bit about what the Toastmasters do.) With a groovy name chapter name like “The Redwood Ramblers,” how could these Toastmasters not be a cool bunch? Nevertheless, I had my … Continue reading I Faced My Fear! (Well, Partially…)

I Feel So Much Better!!!

It’s amazing to me how just putting myself out there and saying how I feel can make me feel better!  I don’t want to do it, especially when the feelings aren’t super-delicious, and yesterday was one of those days.  I’m just…scared, like, will people think I’m a big asshole?  And, sometimes I am an asshole!  But feeling bad doesn’t make me an asshole.  Acting like I’m always o.k. does.

Anyhoo, I just really appreciate all the love and support from BlogLand!!  It has made me feel not-lonely and like I can keep going with this studying thing.  I also did some fancy things today that made me feel good, like dyeing my hair (not going to give in to the grays FUCK YOU GRAY HAIR!) and taking a shower (didn’t happen to do that since Monday!), and putting on clean clothes.  SO FANCY.  So I feel shiny and new and gosh, someone should take me out for enchiladas or somethin’!  Life is good.  Thank you, BlogLand!

Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar and Learning Tagged: Bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, Blogging, Depression, Hope, Humor, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader

Vyvanse malestrom

I realize this is a cheesy image
I really need to get off the Vyvanse.

I'm almost positive it's giving me terrible mood swings.  It wasn't this bad when I first started taking it. At first it kind of went like this :

1) Take Vyvanse
2) After about 30 minutes it starts kicking in.
3) Feel upbeat and as if I will be able to accomplish all my goals
4) Stay focused for 6-8 hours
5) Effects slowly wear off followed by a period of irritability and low energy.  Thoughts on the future and what I will be able to accomplish turn pessimistic.

Slowly over time the different mental states became more and more extreme while the  transitions between those states became sudden and jarring.

NOTE: This is an older post.  I am actually off the Vyvanse now and I think it was a good decision.  I'll write more later!





The Grind Is Getting To Me!

Oh, Glory!  The book that came with our class (I’m sure you know what class but it is Certified Ethical Hacker) is an absolute piece of shit, basically the slide-deck that the teacher uses each night for class.  It’s all graphics and bullet points and no actual substance.  So, I bought a book from Amazon to help me study for the certification.  And the REAL grind has begun.  Again.  I know now what it takes to get a certification, it takes giving it your ALL.  I have been reading the new book ALL DAY.  I created a calendar with a schedule of how many chapters I need to finish per week and it’s fucking intense!  This fucking studying is some lonely business!!  I know it’s time-limited, but my feelings don’t know that.  I just feel lonely and super-tired of studying and I want to do something else.  I know, I know, where’s the gratitude?  For this great opportunity?  Well, I’ve lost it.  Perspective, out the window.  I need to get it back and be able to buckle down and focus and do this.  Ok, Ok, I’m ahead of schedule.  I had one chapter as this week’s goal and I’m on Chapter 2.  I just want to be done and certified already.  I need to be ok with this process.  I don’t know if I have it in me to do this again.  I think I need a hug.

Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar and Learning, Bipolar and Overambitious Tagged: Bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, Blogging, Certified Ethical Hacker, Depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader

This Jumbled Mind

It’s in the stillness
As I try to catch my breath
Be at ease
In this jumbled mind
My heart aches the most
Cries out for who I used to be
Covets the self assurances
I once carried so deep
Vies for the belief
I am off essence
I am of substance
There is more than
Mere madness that defines me
As the pain lingers
And the tears fall
I beg for mercy
To end this insanity