Tag Archives: deep shit

Scars and Egos and Finding the Truth

 

my biggest episode….arguably

it was the one that led me to my diagnosis…

and it also involved meds that were hell for me…

i felt like a house that had been set on fire….

and while the shell was left….

from the outside everything fine

the inside was burnt

devastated….

like a forest after a forest fire…

the lush life that once danced in a rich wovenness through the fabric of it all

gone and not just gone

devastated

that was my brain

i do believe that there was a chemical fire in my brain

and i do believe that my synapse chemical brain structure forest must have looked different

devastated

changed forever

a havoc the previous episodes had never come close to wreaking

and in my heart soul spirit emotional center self place…

same thing

burnt out

deadened

devastated

and i felt lost

i didn’t feel like “myself”

i didn’t know who i was

anymore

i was confused by the diagnosis and everything

and everything inside the shell had been burned out…taken

i longed for a way BACK

i desperately sought and brainstormed ways to get

BACK

i wanted who i WAS back

i wanted to go back to who i HAD BEEN

but there is no RE in REcover

and there is no backwards

there is only forwards

and there is no

REcreating yourself

there is only…..

CREATING YOURSELF

only

BECOMING

i was never going to go back to who I had been (not talking mere personality and passion here)…

i was going to have to BECOME

more

more than i was

many people experience events in life which strip them of everything….

events that take your ego and ruthlessly dash it upon the rocks

leaving you with shattered ego pieces…

the pieces of the identity and person and life that you so painstakingly constructed and protected

and it leaves you alone with them…

your ego never goes back together in the same way

you have been changed (scarred?) forever

and it can break you….

and then…

(i believe)

it can make you

not reclaim

but discover…

a real you

the real you

 

the truth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Filed under: Deep SHit, Never Never Never Give Up Tagged: deep shit, real bipolar

Scars and Egos and Finding the Truth

 

my biggest episode….arguably

it was the one that led me to my diagnosis…

and it also involved meds that were hell for me…

i felt like a house that had been set on fire….

and while the shell was left….

from the outside everything fine

the inside was burnt

devastated….

like a forest after a forest fire…

the lush life that once danced in a rich wovenness through the fabric of it all

gone and not just gone

devastated

that was my brain

i do believe that there was a chemical fire in my brain

and i do believe that my synapse chemical brain structure forest must have looked different

devastated

changed forever

a havoc the previous episodes had never come close to wreaking

and in my heart soul spirit emotional center self place…

same thing

burnt out

deadened

devastated

and i felt lost

i didn’t feel like “myself”

i didn’t know who i was

anymore

i was confused by the diagnosis and everything

and everything inside the shell had been burned out…taken

i longed for a way BACK

i desperately sought and brainstormed ways to get

BACK

i wanted who i WAS back

i wanted to go back to who i HAD BEEN

but there is no RE in REcover

and there is no backwards

there is only forwards

and there is no

REcreating yourself

there is only…..

CREATING YOURSELF

only

BECOMING

i was never going to go back to who I had been (not talking mere personality and passion here)…

i was going to have to BECOME

more

more than i was

many people experience events in life which strip them of everything….

events that take your ego and ruthlessly dash it upon the rocks

leaving you with shattered ego pieces…

the pieces of the identity and person and life that you so painstakingly constructed and protected

and it leaves you alone with them…

your ego never goes back together in the same way

you have been changed (scarred?) forever

and it can break you….

and then…

(i believe)

it can make you

not reclaim

but discover…

a real you

the real you

 

the truth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Filed under: Deep SHit, Never Never Never Give Up Tagged: deep shit, real bipolar

Scars and Egos and Finding the Truth

 

my biggest episode….arguably

it was the one that led me to my diagnosis…

and it also involved meds that were hell for me…

i felt like a house that had been set on fire….

and while the shell was left….

from the outside everything fine

the inside was burnt

devastated….

like a forest after a forest fire…

the lush life that once danced in a rich wovenness through the fabric of it all

gone and not just gone

devastated

that was my brain

i do believe that there was a chemical fire in my brain

and i do believe that my synapse chemical brain structure forest must have looked different

devastated

changed forever

a havoc the previous episodes had never come close to wreaking

and in my heart soul spirit emotional center self place…

same thing

burnt out

deadened

devastated

and i felt lost

i didn’t feel like “myself”

i didn’t know who i was

anymore

i was confused by the diagnosis and everything

and everything inside the shell had been burned out…taken

i longed for a way BACK

i desperately sought and brainstormed ways to get

BACK

i wanted who i WAS back

i wanted to go back to who i HAD BEEN

but there is no RE in REcover

and there is no backwards

there is only forwards

and there is no

REcreating yourself

there is only…..

CREATING YOURSELF

only

BECOMING

i was never going to go back to who I had been (not talking mere personality and passion here)…

i was going to have to BECOME

more

more than i was

many people experience events in life which strip them of everything….

events that take your ego and ruthlessly dash it upon the rocks

leaving you with shattered ego pieces…

the pieces of the identity and person and life that you so painstakingly constructed and protected

and it leaves you alone with them…

your ego never goes back together in the same way

you have been changed (scarred?) forever

and it can break you….

and then…

(i believe)

it can make you

not reclaim

but discover…

a real you

the real you

 

the truth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Filed under: Deep SHit, Never Never Never Give Up Tagged: deep shit, real bipolar

Hearing You Heals Me-Reliving Bipolar

Here is what happens to me

I want so much to read all of your blogs

and I want to write mine

and I want to look at my Twitter

and it’s all Bipolar

and I get to thinking about Bipolar

and before I know it

I’m reliving my Bipolar

I find myself slipping and I sign off saying no more today….

only to find myself sitting in memories…….

flooded with feelings and images

like

my unwashed hair in a flippy bun….ugly brown tank top (all i could find)…hot sweaty day….

lawn mowers quesadilas

tears of numbness

hollow pained everything

unable to move or think or be

having a friend call my Pdoc because I COULDN’T UNDERSTAND HER ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGE.

Calling Pdoc….she’s out of town….the Doc on call for her says…”just wait till she gets back”….five days…..

and I see myself like I’m watching myself from the side and I want to grab my own shoulders and ….i don’t know

this was the day i started researching hospitals

this was the day i felt bipolar close around me like a pack of wolves and I realized more than I ever had before…

that i wasn’t going to defeat this with a bad ass attitude and white knuckled grit

I finally faced the reality that I could be destroyed

that the Bipolar was not a cute quirky thing about me like my Zodiac sign or my Vivid Imagination

It was this day that I decided I would take the meds…

any meds

my second round…around 2 years after my first….denial is a powerful beast…

 

and so I sit here in this memory…..

feeling that place to a point where I want to write it….

and it makes me feel Bipolar

and it makes me think even more about Bipolar

it puts me in a Bipolar place

and I feel detached in a way from the other things I was about to do…the normal domesticity of life…the nonBipolar tasks and amusements…

which now pale beside these glaring neon memories and feelings

and I have to find a way back to my life

But even so

I am beyond grateful to share and express and vent and process these things….

i know on some level this is what we/I need to do to deal with this Bipolar life

On another level I have to be so careful…

so careful it makes me nauseous

I wish that once in awhile I could not let everything bleed together

I wish I was better at not being so susceptible to it all

 

I thank you all for sharing your lives and stories and traumas and fears

Hearing you helps me see mine…feel mine…heal (?) mine

 

pEACE Love and Processing Shit Together

Bipolar Together

 

 

 

 

 


Filed under: Bipolar Sucks, Deep SHit, Depression Is Hellicious, I AM bipolar, Sometimes we just feel All Bipolar, We Stick Together Tagged: bipolar us, depression

I want Freedom in My Happiness

Awhile ago I tweeted a tweet that people seemed to like. I may forget the exact wording but it was a response to someone and it went….

One of the saddest parts of being Bipolar is that we begin to fear our own happiness.

And this remains sad to me

It also remains difficult to curtail this part…the idea of oncoming mania and the need to maybe stop something that is pleasurable.

Because happiness is like our human reward. It is the thing we crave, we seek, we strive for, we live for.

For lots of people the expansion into a feeling of pure happiness is welcome and savored.

As it is for some of us some of the time

But too often for us the feeling of happiness…that glistening gift…is followed quickly by fear…by anxiety…by a quick tally and rundown and add up of the situation and the past situations…

Is this mania??? Am I hypo??? And I making myself hypo with this happiness???

And we have to wonder whether we should continue or stop or change activities and try something else and we have to challenge ourselves and it just is

REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING

and it feels really fucking unfair

And t makes you want to shout

FUCK IT

I DON’T CARE

I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY

Sun does this to me

I love sun

Love it

Not in a tanning way

Been there done that burnttheshitoutofmyself

But sigh man

I love it

And sitting in it…after the winter dark and cold

Cool breeze on bare feet and arms while sun warms down to the core….

Like the golden saturation of a gorgeous mania after a dark cold depression

And I feel the shifting within myself

The quietness receding…

And something bubbly and magical and FUN

Rising rising rising to the surface

Begging to be dusted off…

And shown off

Begging to be given a chance to run the show…

For just a little awhile

Again

And I smile to myself

And I feel ALIVE

And I love it

And I think

I should go inside

I think

This could ruin everything

I think

this isn’t fair

I just want happiness

But then again

Maybe MY (our) happiness Isn’t normie happiness and it is SO good it should in fact come with a price…

The price of doubt and fear and guilt

But these small things that “trigger” us….that force us to come up against our Bipolar even when we have not thought about it for weeks….these things that remind us that it lives and that we have to contend with it…

Whether we like it or not

Forever

Well I guess they just happen

And they are annoying

And my depression triggers are all over the fucking place

And my agitated buzzy mania ones are ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE

but happy white mania triggers

Are far and few between

And I love them

And I want them

And I don’t like to stop them

Sigh

The sun drenches me and must start running around my brain with sparklers

Because all of a sudden

I feel

Bipolar

And I think

FUCK

I hate this shit

And I really do consider that if I did not have a family that I would say

FUCK IT

I DON’T CARE

So much more

That I would indulge it

Love it

Be free in it

And feel

ALIVE in it

So much more

But I do have a family

I do have responsibilities

And I can’t

I checked those privileges at the OB’s office when I saw that fluttering heartbeat

My life is not mine to fuck with

And so

I have no choice

But to care

Deeply

Hugely

And all of the time

But oh how I long to just expand into the feeling until I’ve become one with the universe and the birds pulsate with light and the clouds swirl and the rain falls down in colors

And more simply

How I long for

Freedom in happiness

 


Filed under: I AM bipolar, i love Mania Hates me, Sometimes we just feel All Bipolar Tagged: deep shit, mania