There’s a lot of things that people don’t understand about mental illness. And it is often frustrating when you try to explain to someone what it feels like or why you do some of the things you do. And the blend of the illness and your personality doesn’t have a line where one becomes the other. It’s all mushed up together and leaves you exhausted and lost many times.
I don’t say those things easily, and I think because I am so outspoken, sometimes people equate my illness as something that I have control of. And I don’t. Honestly I take my meds and I logically know that I am better than before I started taking meds. But there are days when all I want to do is crawl in a hole and live there.
I have moments everyday where I wonder if my thoughts or feelings or words are appropriate or not. I wonder if I should say something or not. And often I say nothing because I don’t really trust my own judgment. Do you trust your judgment? Do you spend days or weeks thinking about one thing and yet, still don’t have an answer.
I worry that because I am so outspoken and passionate that I am actually the one that has something wrong with them. My family isn’t really like me. Actually I have met very few people like me. And I can promise you I am 100 times harder on myself than you or anyone else could be. Small miss steps are magnified exponentially in my mind. When some is made or upset with me I literally FEEL it. It stays with me hour by hour, minute by minute until some resolution is found. I confront issues and like confrontation because that’s how things get worked out. In order for me to have close relationships I have to step out there and trust someone that could take my illness and use it against me.
I’m sure that is something that is hard to understand. I mean if I talk about my illness then why shouldn’t someone be allowed to bring it up. It’s not that that bothers me except most people only use it as a weapon when they don’t like or disagree with something I say or do. I’m a realist and in a world full of people who only seem to want to share the beauty of this world, I don’t really fit most of the time. While I am acutely aware of how blessed and loved I am. I still live in this world. And this world has a lot of bad and things bad people in it. And this world has so many people that only need someone to love them and invest a little of themselves in them for the person to get their life together.
There are things that people will never understand unless they live it or are very close to someone who deals with it. The truth is there is visible sin. There is sin that people can see and there’s sin that people commit under the cloak of darkness and never have to confront because no one knows to hold you accountable. I know there are people who disagree with me but I have yet to meet someone that disagrees AND has experienced a big visible sin. Because of this I carried around guilt for years. I still do some days. When I bunch of people look at you and you can feel the condemnation you figure out pretty quick that things will never be the same for you.
Ask me about a specific situation and I can tell you what I think or what I would do. But most people do t take my advice. It requires strength and confrontation. It takes looking at yourself and deciding that the part of you that’s broken is from the devil. And the part of you that is redeemed comes from God. It’s hard to find a balance sometimes. But I believe that when God looks at me He sees His daughter and He knows exactly what I have done and why I did it. But still all He has is love and grace for me.
I have learned that there are consequences to all the decisions we make. Some good, some bad. But who are we to say someone needs to repent or be punished for what they have done. God set it up pretty good to start with. God gives us guidelines. Things that will only help us stay happy and healthy and in sync with Him. When we choose to make bad choices there are always consequences(punishments) built into whatever you have done. I had sex in high school with someone that I didn’t even really care about. And I got pregnant. And then the leaders at my church thought they had the right to punish me. And I was told by one that I should have a good attitude on our mission trip and not cause any problems. Who does that?!?!?! I had someone else tell me they didn’t want to have the teens over to their house again because I said I was bored. Mind you I was 17 and I wasn’t the only one who said that. It’s like the go to thing for teenagers, I’m bored. So I learned at a young age that I was responsible for things that I should have never been responsible for. I had to fight and talk and defend myself and my love for God all because I got pregnant. They like to say it’s about the sex. But it’s not. It’s about the fact that people could see my sin so I needed to be punished. Guess what?!?! That’s Gods job not yours and since my parents didn’t even punish me who are you to decide I’m not worthy.
I carry all these things with me. I live with them everyday. Sometimes what happened 20 years ago still haunts me like it was yesterday. I have tried to let it go. And I logically know that these people thought they were doing what God wanted them to. But they didn’t. They were wrong. And to this day only one person has reached out to me and said “we were wrong, I’m sorry”.
And all of that is why I try to be very careful about what I say and how I respond to things. I probably mess up a lot but I try. It is also why I’m drawn to people who have lived life and who understand that it’s just different. It’s why I want to help people and love them any way I can. It’s why I ask questions and try to learn about the people around me and what is going on in their lives. It’s a gift, a very powerful one. And one that I know God guides me in.
I wish that people weren’t afraid of people who are strong and passionate and not afraid to ask the tough questions. But sometimes those questions hurt people. I don’t do it on purpose but I have a thirst for knowledge and truth. I am very methodically and logical. I have the ability to state things plainly in a way that people can understand them. People who are real want that. They understand that life is messy and that we will never be perfect. Jesus makes us pure and that never changes. This world has so many things that we don’t understand. But God does and when we trust Him we can have peace.
I know that God knows exactly what is going on with me. That He knows my heart and my illness and has no problem seeing pst that to the amazing, strong, compassionate, passionate, zealous person that I am. And He helps me everyday. He sends signs that I have no doubt come from him. Something happens and it is along the lines of something I had been thinking about. I know God. I see Him and I see what He does and what He wants. And I am proud that all the people that have hurt me haven’t for one day pulled me away from Him.
I want to help people. I want people to know that if they have questions or concerns they can come to me. I want people to know that I don’t share about my illness to get sympathy or anything else. I do it because I would be devastated if someone had to suffer some of the things I have been through because I want to make my life easier by not sharing. It makes me tear up every time I think of someone I know suffering because they don’t know that there is help. Or are scared to face whatever happens. I will be there all the way with anyone that wants help or has questions.
And you know what?!?!? I will keep sharing because it’s important to me. And because I believe Hod allowed this strong outspoken woman to have an illness because SHE will be the one who shouts it from the roof tops and makes sure that everyone she knows knows that they are not alone. So I will talk to my doctor next month about my antidepressants and see if we can change things up. Because I know they aren’t working right and I want to be able to live my life. That is what I will do.
Be blessed today! And if you ever need someone to talk to please get a hold of me!!9