Talk about shit coming out of nowhere! This morning I was on Twitter and I was literally being spammed by Two Bipolar Chicks with some ad about every five tweets so I muted them. I have no relationship with Two Bipolar Chicks and couldn’t give two shits about them – I don’t know them and I literally have no opinion about them. So then this afternoon, I get a tweet that says “#WARNING & #RETWEET I am 99% sure @Bipolaronfire was the Twitter handle that hacked me. DO NOT click on anything they send you!!! #Hacking” WELL, Two Bipolar Chicks, I can assure you, I did not SEND you ANYDAMNTHING and I sure as hell did not hack you!!! I don’t know your level of technical skills, but I do know MINE, which are high, and I damn sure didn’t do anything to sabotage your Twitter account! Throwing out accusations like that are not only lame, they are defamatory, and I won’t accept it! I would NEVER try to sabotage someone’s Twitter account, their website, their email, or anything else. I am totally insulted by this accusation and I demand an apology.
Tag Archives: bipolar
The internet has eaten 3 things I have typed out to post in the last week! To say I’m aggravated is an understatement. I don’t pay attention to what I write most of the time. But it’s almost always good!
So I will try again with a post from last night….
When did I become a woman? More importantly at what point did I start viewing myself that way?
I was thinking last night about a certain situation and I ended up calling myself a woman in what was to possibly be my words to someone.
As soon as I had the thought I was immediately sidetracked. I have never seamlessly called myself a woman. Much less referred to myself as one in discussion. When did that change happen? What has happened in my life that I now believe I embody the word woman?
Up until 3 and a half years ago when I was medicated for my Bipolar I would have told you I’m not grow up to be considered a woman. I refer to myself as girl, lady, female, anything else. And really it has been in recent months I have started to look at myself differently.
I AM a woman. I have lived if life that has taken me places I never thought I would go and given me things I never even knew I wanted. I am funny, intelligent, hard working, caring, loving, friendly, considerate, empathetic, and wise. Why shouldn’t I consider myself a word that embodies so many of those things.
I have fought and give my tears for so many different things. I have given of myself to the people I love and I have stood strong in the process. I am in ways and in many cases the calm in the storm. I embrace what is happening and I seek ways to learn from it.
I have peace I don’t think I have ever had before. Maybe it’s in that peace that I have found the strength to see the amazing, kind, and loving woman that I truly am.
So today I will face my day with the knowledge that I AM enough! That the thing we as women strive for is the very thing I have finally found. I am a strong woman. I am a loving woman. And I am a woman that knows what she wants and how to get it.
I am a woman that can take that peace and apply it to the situations and issues in my life and use the wisdom I have found to help others along the way. I am a mom and for a long time I thought that word defined me. But now I realize that yes being a Mom does in many ways define. But being a woman is about ALL of me. And all of me is enough to be called a woman of grace and dignity and love. And for that, I am eternally grateful!!
FYI- I don’t think it’s as good as the original. But it’s pretty good. Lol
I am consumed and I don’t know how to fix it.
I didn’t find out I was Bipolar until I was 33. At 33 my oldest son was 15 before I was diagnosed and medicated. So he has lived most of his life with a Mom that’s a little crazy! I think that because I wasn’t medicated my brain did not see the things that it does now. I knew he was an amazing kid and I enjoyed talking with him but I don’t think I could really see it.
Four years later my meds are fully on board and my two younger kids are 14 and 12(13 in June) and I am consumed by watching them and seeing the things they do. I am consumed by the clarity that I now have. My illness started in 8th grade. I did things I wasn’t supposed to. I didn’t listen to teachers, I didn’t listen to my parents or friends or anyone. At the time I’m not really sure what I thought but somehow I thought it was normal.
I was wrong!! I was messed up and my thoughts were not that of a normal 13 year old. My thoughts were chaotic and I remember over and over telling myself tomorrow would be different. And then tomorrow came and I did something wrong or said things that were inappropriate or started a fight(verbal argument) with someone. I argued with my bible class teachers and parents and anyone else that I thought needed to be set straight.
I have seen so clearly through my kids that so much of my life was not normal. A couple weeks ago my daughter was telling me about a girl at school that always has her phone out but never gets in trouble. So I asked her if she ever got her phone out. To which she replied, “No, I would be the one that would get in trouble and you would yell at me”. I looked at her sand said, “that’s a good attitude to have, I never had that attitude.”
She’s told me that before that she doesn’t do something cause I will yell at her(by yell she means a lecture that lasts longer than she wants and makes her roll her eyes) It doesn’t seem like a big deal but for me it is. It consumes me, I think about it over and over and wonder why I was the one that had to be different. I have always carried around a little resentment but I just can’t take this consumed feeling that I get on a regular basis.
It doesn’t help that I have very good kids. Don’t get me wrong I am so proud of them. I am so thankful that I get to watch them do amazing things. Like last week my 14 year old 8th grade boy used his own money to buy his whole 8th period class valentines. It was like $40 and he just shrugged his shoulder when I said that was really sweet and nice of you. Lily had a teacher ask her to help at a special event at school and she was one of only two people asked.
It consumes me how good and amazing they are and how horrible my teenage years were. I know that I have been able to do a,axing things and that I am a very vocal advocate for mental health. But it’s sure hard sometimes to watch them and not think what if. I need it to go away. I WANT it to go away. I want to be able to enjoy my awesome kids without the thought that I missed out and I was ill for close to 20 years of my life. At this point that’s over half. I am so glad I am better. I am so glad that I can look at my kids and my life and really see and understand what is going on.
But I am consumed I can’t find the light. I can’t stop being sad for my younger self and I don’t know how to let go of the fact that it’s not fair. It washes over me like a wave. I am fine and then my daughter does something or tells me a story and it all flows through me again. I am so happy and at the same time I am so sad. I don’t know how to fix it and I don’t know how to make that part of me at peace. I don’t know what it will take for me to accept it and let it go but I hope it comes soon because being consumed by this at the most mundane moments is getting really old and tired. How sad that I look at my kids and see what missed out of instead of just being proud that I have really GOOD kids!,
As always be blessed!
Ladies and Gentlemen, a minor miracle has occurred! I have cleaned my apartment!!!! It has been over four months (gag, cough) since I cleaned this dustbowl!! But there’s nothing like an impending visit from your Mother to get your shit together in a hurry!! She had mentioned in passing that she might come by today to see the birds, but then she didn’t say anything else . . . until LAST NIGHT!!! She texted me, and I was like Holy God, I am going to have to go into cray-cray mode to get this place clean, but by God, I DID IT!!! The toilet is scrubbed, as are the sinks and counters, the mirrors are gleaming, all of the surfaces have been washed clean of dust, the rugs vacuumed and the floors washed. Fuck, I even made the bed!!! Andddd I have a broken fibro back to prove it! But godDAMN it feels good to have a clean house!!!!!!! I need to have a visitor at least once a month so that I do this shit, because I think it’s good for my mental health!!
In other, not so satisfying news, I did NOT get the job that I interviewed for last week. I have had a couple of down, panicked days. I have other irons in the fire, but no other interviews scheduled. This job search has been really a challenge to my mental health, let me tell you. I have had to contend with some suicidal ideation and finally yesterday I just said LOOK! You are going to LIVE! You are going to live through this somehow!! Because you can’t commit suicide and hurt your loved ones like that!! So I have decided to live, no matter how hard and sucky and painful.
After Mom leaves I will get back to the job search hot and heavy. I think I need to apply for more jobs in Denver, even though that commute would be a huge hardship. There just aren’t enough jobs in my area to apply for. Also I will be going to the Workforce Center Monday morning for counseling to see if they have any ideas as far as Internships in Security. It’s worth a try.
Well my friends I hope your week is progressing well. Say “Hi” in the Comments if the spirit moves you, you know I love to hear from you. Peach out for now, BPOF!
Well I got through what felt like a marathon of a week. It’s funny what feels like a marathon now, which was just having something to do every day. When I was working, that was the real marathon. Now that I am spoiled with all the time in the world to myself, having to show up somewhere every day is somewhat taxing. Having an interview looming on Friday sort of stressed me out all week.
I signed up for a four-day Interview Workshop at the local Workforce Center, which was Monday through Thursday from 9am to 12:30 pm. I had to get myself up quite early, as I committed myself to walking to the Workforce Center every day, which meant I had to leave the apartment at 8:15 am. Round-trip, this was a 3.5 mile walk, which is really good for me. The workshop was a learning and growing experience. I wanted to learn how to sell myself better, and I wanted to stop freezing up during interviews. The tools and skills I learned in preparing for an interview really helped a lot, and I feel like I did better in my actual interview that I had on Friday than I have done in a long time. I also feel like over time I will get better and better as I work on the skills I learned.
There was a really nice payoff for using the Lose It! App and exercising so much last week, when I got on the scale yesterday morning I found I had lost four pounds! It’s typical for me to sit at the same weight for quite awhile after I start making an effort, and then a chunk falls off. It was very gratifying to see a chunk fall off and I’m encouraged to keep going.
I have mixed feelings about this job I interviewed for on Friday. I’m not sure if it’s the right fit for me, but on the other hand I’m getting desperate for a job as my bank balance sinks lower and lower. So, if I get it, I think I will be relieved, yet panicked. And if I don’t get it, I will be straight up panicked. I should hear either way by the middle of this week. Stay tuned!
I feel like my depression has lifted somewhat, between the bump in Wellbutrin, sitting in front of my therapy light for hours and hours, and lots of exercise. However, my unstable life keeps me feeling unbalanced and it’s hard not to be afraid. I really crave stability – in my finances, a stable home (not this chaotic shithole of an apartment house I live in now), and stable emotions. My goal for 2018 is stability. I really really hope I can achieve this.
Thanks for reading, and please let me know how you are in the Comments! Peach out! BPOF.
I swear, I really do learn something new every day.
My appointment with Dr. Goodenough was on Wednesday, and like I said I would, I brought up the subject of my disturbed sleep and morning anxiety. It had not yet occurred to me that it might be due to the series of unfortunate events I’ve experienced over the past six weeks or so; all I knew was that it had absolutely nothing to do with my bipolar. My underlying mood is rock solid, and if it weren’t for the fact that I have a psychiatric history I’d call myself normal in every sense of the word.
So I told Dr. G all about the injury at Disney World, the fact that my nephew died recently, and that my son Ethan and my sister Louise have been fighting like cats and dogs (which I think stresses me out even more than it does the two of them). I didn’t think this all added up to anything, but Dr. G said there is an actual diagnosis called Acute Stress Reaction. It’s even in the DSM-5 (I know—I checked). This can be a precursor to PTSD, but it doesn’t have to be; in fact, it tends to be self-limiting. The trick in my case is to make me sleep without having distressing dreams so I don’t wake up anxious, so he added two weeks’ worth of Ambien, a powerful sleep medication, to my med regimen to break that cycle.
I couldn’t help chuckling inwardly when he pointed out he was adding this diagnosis, not changing it from the original Bipolar 1. He must have remembered my “dumb question of the year”. Come to think of it, I’ve noticed that he does recall things I’ve said, as well as past discussions about all sorts of things. I’m glad to see that. Dr. Awesomesauce was always so good with the caring thing, and it makes me feel like Dr. G cares about me too. It’s funny, he reminds me so much of Mister Rogers, but every time I see him I spill my guts. I mean, I don’t hold anything back. I’ve even talked to him about sex, for crying out loud, so coming to him about my stress levels over what seem like minor things is easy. (Well, the fact that my poor nephew passed away and my sister has now lost a child isn’t a minor concern, but…you know.)
Anyway, the past two nights’ sleep has been marvelous. I take my usual meds at 9 PM, but save the Ambien till closer to bedtime because it doesn’t take long to kick in. I’m not waking up in the middle of the night, I haven’t had disturbing dreams, and guess what, I’m not in a lather of anxiety. It doesn’t make me any groggier in the mornings than I already am, which is a very good thing. And I only have to take it for two weeks, which is great because I don’t want to be on another med indefinitely. Lord knows I consume enough meds at night to make me sleep like the dead. But it hasn’t been enough to stop me from waking up at the same time of night that I got the call about my nephew, or stressing out over stuff I can’t do anything about.
We’ll see how it goes. In the meantime, I’ll work on my stress during the daytime and try to let go of the things I can’t fix. Wish me luck!
I mean, good news?
I’m going back to therapy.
I haven’t been in over a year, and I was irrationally proud of that. Like, “Look at me! I’ve been successfully handling life all by myself for a YEAR! Look, Ma! No hands!” (As I then hide in the corner and hork down a handful of pharmaceuticals).
I’ve been struggling lately, so I decided to go back. I was initially frustrated with the decision and told Andy that it feels like a relapse. “I’ve been off therapy for a year,” I said. “It seems a shame to break my record.” Like therapy is some illicit drug that I went to rehab for and am now one-year clean.
“You’re not relapsing,” Andy said. “You’re leveling up.”
He went on to explain that when I first went to therapy, I was extremely suicidal and was literally trying to survive. This time around, when I’m not suicidal, I can work on Level 2 therapy problems, which focus on how to deal with life now that I’m committed to living it.
Look at me! I’m at Level 2! That sounds way better than “relapse.”
Super Mario Brothers is the only video game I’ve ever played, but I think level 2 is the one underground with the blue turtles, right? Yep – this one:
I get fireballs, y’all. Who’s gonna hate on Level 2?? I’m a brick-smashing, coin collecting badass.
So I contacted my dealer (oops, I mean therapist) and asked if she would see me again. She said yes. Phewf! So at least I’m not going to have to start over with someone new.
Bring it on, Level 2!
Well folks it looks like the time I spent all week in an Interview Workshop at my local Workforce Center is going to pay off sooner than expected – I have a job interview tomorrow! This is for a job that I had a phone interview for around a month ago. I guess their first round of candidates didn’t work out so they decided to talk to me. Hmmm. Maybe they’re desperate and they’ll hire me! I can only hope.
I have been faithfully logging the food I eat in the Lose It! app and it changes its mind daily on when I will have this damn weight lost, from sometime this summer to next winter. It all depends on how many calories I ingest. I am rather in love with the idea of losing the weight (and this damn spare tire sitting above the waistline of my jeans) by the summer. We had to do mock interviews ON CAMERA for this interview workshop I was in and we watched them today and I had a FAT ATTACK watching myself, oh my GOD!! At least I walked every day to the Workforce Center, round trip it is about 3.5 miles, so I’m getting in the exercise.
Tomorrow morning I have the psychiatrist in the same building, I will walk again, that will make 17 miles for the week (19 if you count Sunday) and I’m taking Saturday off! Then I have this interview at 1pm. I have been studying the company, they are scientific and the material is dry as a bone which is why I had to take a break and write this blog. I don’t know how the HELL I’m going to remember any details about the company when they ask the famous question “What do you know about our company?” — hopefully I can cough up a few dry bone facts. It’s so stupid, WHO CARES? I JUST NEED A JOB, FUCKERS!!!
Well I guess I will get back to studying for the interview so I can try to talk about stuff that I know nothing about. No anxiety there!! Where to begin? Ah hell, maybe I’ll take a nap. Salut! And peaches!