Tag Archives: bipolar

Here’s To A Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah Day

Daily Prompt – Zip Ten years or so ago my Hubby and I took a job cooking at a summer camp. It was situated on Vancouver Island on parkland along the coastline. I must say that it is one of … Continue reading

Anxiety

I have never really paid much attention to anxiety. I don’t know why. I guess for so many years I just didn’t even think about mental health. But when I didn’t have a choice but to face a major life change it seems that anxiety really takes hold of me and won’t let go. 

In a way I am thankful for the things that have happened. The panic attacks and the never ending rock stuck inside me. I mean I’ve been on my other meds for almost 3 years now. And I have been stable. So this feeling as it built to critical mass wasn’t something I really thought about. 

I went to see the PA at my doctors office. I basically said “I don’t care if I am comatose. I WILL NOT be the center of attention at my son’s graduation because I can’t control what is going on inside me. She asked a bunch of the normal questions. And I answered them. But I am extremely self aware, most of the time. When I finally figured out what was happening was anxiety. I realized something could be done about it. So, she prescribed me a new medication. It is not in the family of klonopin, and clonazapam. I don’t want to take those kinds of medications, unless it is a very last resort. 

So, I am happy to report that I think this medication is going to work. It’s a take as needed thing. I took one the first day and within 15 minutes I could feel that rock inside me starting to shift and leave. I am so so happy about this. I pray it keeps working and doesn’t cause me any problems. I was able to go to work and not let little things bother me that have been bothering me for weeks. To the point where I was carrying it with me all the time. 

I probably should have examined this more closely sooner. But I just honestly figured the meds I already take would cover that. Boy was I wrong. I’m still going to take some time off work. I need it and with graduation 3 weeks away I need to focus on celebrating my baby and the man he is becoming. Maybe after that I may try working a couple days a week or something. I don’t know. I do know I am so grateful for medications that help me be who I am. That allow the real me to come out without all the bad stuff all the time. Believe it or not I get tired of it too. All I want is to put it away because I know I’m the long run it really isn’t that important. 

I’m still exhausted but I am excited about what is to come. And I am so so excited to watch my baby graduate from high school. He’s earned it and I couldn’t possibly be more proud. 

As always, thanks for reading!!

And have a blessed day!!


Last Day Of Nerd Class!!

Yeah!!  Today is the last day of nerd class!!  I am celebrating by drinking a vodka and grapefruit juice during class.  Does that seem like a good idea?  No?  I think it’s a GREAT idea!  Vodka makes everything FUNNER!  I know, I know, talk to me in the morning.

This class has really taken the piss out of me.  It’s been 5-9pm for two weeks.  Let me tell you, by 5pm, my attention span is that of a gnat.  Trying to listen or concentrate has been HELL!  Of course, the last night is on Cryptography…zzzzzzzzzzzzz oh sorry I fell asleep for a second there.  It will be a MIRACLE if I stay with it through the end of class.  Pray that I don’t cause a booze-induced disruption.

That’s all for now, back to class, oh!  They’re talking about RC4!  Woo!


Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar and Learning Tagged: Bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, Blogging, Cryptography, Depression, Humor, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader

I Faced My Fear! (Well, Partially…)

Last Wednesday I went to my first Toastmasters Meeting and I survived! (I wrote about my fear of public speaking in this post and described a little bit about what the Toastmasters do.) With a groovy name chapter name like “The Redwood Ramblers,” how could these Toastmasters not be a cool bunch? Nevertheless, I had my … Continue reading I Faced My Fear! (Well, Partially…)

I Feel So Much Better!!!

It’s amazing to me how just putting myself out there and saying how I feel can make me feel better!  I don’t want to do it, especially when the feelings aren’t super-delicious, and yesterday was one of those days.  I’m just…scared, like, will people think I’m a big asshole?  And, sometimes I am an asshole!  But feeling bad doesn’t make me an asshole.  Acting like I’m always o.k. does.

Anyhoo, I just really appreciate all the love and support from BlogLand!!  It has made me feel not-lonely and like I can keep going with this studying thing.  I also did some fancy things today that made me feel good, like dyeing my hair (not going to give in to the grays FUCK YOU GRAY HAIR!) and taking a shower (didn’t happen to do that since Monday!), and putting on clean clothes.  SO FANCY.  So I feel shiny and new and gosh, someone should take me out for enchiladas or somethin’!  Life is good.  Thank you, BlogLand!

Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar and Learning Tagged: Bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, Blogging, Depression, Hope, Humor, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader

The Grind Is Getting To Me!

Oh, Glory!  The book that came with our class (I’m sure you know what class but it is Certified Ethical Hacker) is an absolute piece of shit, basically the slide-deck that the teacher uses each night for class.  It’s all graphics and bullet points and no actual substance.  So, I bought a book from Amazon to help me study for the certification.  And the REAL grind has begun.  Again.  I know now what it takes to get a certification, it takes giving it your ALL.  I have been reading the new book ALL DAY.  I created a calendar with a schedule of how many chapters I need to finish per week and it’s fucking intense!  This fucking studying is some lonely business!!  I know it’s time-limited, but my feelings don’t know that.  I just feel lonely and super-tired of studying and I want to do something else.  I know, I know, where’s the gratitude?  For this great opportunity?  Well, I’ve lost it.  Perspective, out the window.  I need to get it back and be able to buckle down and focus and do this.  Ok, Ok, I’m ahead of schedule.  I had one chapter as this week’s goal and I’m on Chapter 2.  I just want to be done and certified already.  I need to be ok with this process.  I don’t know if I have it in me to do this again.  I think I need a hug.

Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar and Learning, Bipolar and Overambitious Tagged: Bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, Blogging, Certified Ethical Hacker, Depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader

And then it’s not…..

I have done pretty well for the last 3 years. I have had issues here and there but I have been mostly stable. 

Well, it started when my son won 4th in State in his weight class for wrestling. Whoop whoop!! Anyway, the second the match was over I went into a full blown panic attack. I thought it was because he deserved 3rd place, which he did, but boy was I wrong. 

I made the hour long trip home alone with the music turned up. On that ride I realized it wasn’t the match that was bothering me. It was that it was over. Wrestling being over meant that all that was left is graduation. And then the crying started all over again. 

I have been trying since then to get myself ready or prepare myself for graduation, and get to a place where I could make it through that day without being a complete basket case. 

A couple weeks ago I finally faced the fact that isn’t going to happen. And that I need something to help me, if even just for that day. I refuse to destroy HIS day because I can’t control my emotions. 

One day in the car I caught one line from the song My Wish, by Rascal Flatts, and it literally took my breath away. Out of no where. I can’t even think about the actual day without tearing up. 

Then some stuff at work got added to that and I just can’t deal. I want everything to go away. I just want to be left alone. I am not allowing myself to isolate because I know that would only make it worse. And I HAVE to make it through graduation with a smile on my face. He deserves it and he has earned it. And I am so far past proud of who he is and where he is going. 

So I had another panic attack this week mostly because of work. But I know that the underlying reason is that I am not handling this whole graduating thing well( see sitting here with tears running down my face even talking about it). I don’t want my son to see me this way on his big day. I want him to see and know how proud of him I am and that he is truly amazing!

It’s really not fair. I don’t want to be this way. My logical mind can seperate the two but my subconscious seems to be stuck and I can’t figure out how to get it unstuck. I am so unbelievably overwhelmed and I can’t figure out how to make myself fix it. So at this point I am wondering if I am just gonna have to be almost comatose to make it through this day. I don’t want that either. I want to remember this day. I want to treasure it. 

See I don’t know how to live without him with me. I had just turned 18 when I had him. He has always been there. I have never been an adult without him. I have tried to say that in an effort to prepare myself. But even as I type this my eyes well up just saying the words. I will have to start to learn how to be my own person, and not a Mom. Of course I still have my younger 2 but they aren’t far behind him. 5 and 6 years from now I will be in the same place with them. But I don’t know how to do that. I can’t even begin to know how to enjoy life and have fun without my babies. To be clear I have always been a mother. I have always had someone else to think about and worry about. To make a decision strictly for myself very rarely happens. There’s always kids involved somehow, even if it’s just finding a babysitter. I don’t really know how to do anything different. And I am pretty confident this is not something anyone can tell me how to do. I have to figure out how to let go and how to be me all by myself. Well, with my husband of course but that’s not the same as kids. 

I know they will always be mine. I know they will always be around and love me, us, and each other. But that doesn’t change the fact that my subconscious is having a field day with this. And I am suffering in the process. I have taken what amounts to a leave of absence from work. I really can’t deal with this and some issues that are going on there. I hate to admit this is where I am at. I don’t want to be here. I want to keep working so I have spending money. But I’m gonna have to give that up for now because I can’t carry all this stuff into a work environment. It only makes it worse and I can’t do my job right. 

This isn’t fun! It’s not something I want or would choose. But one thing I have learned is that if I don’t listen to what my mind is telling me it will only continue to get worse. So I will take this time off. Unless I get a handle on this,  likely until after we pack my son up and move him into the dorm in August I will be working on other things here at home. Maybe I will try to make some things to sell or for Christmas presents for family. I have to take this time. I have to slow down and wrap my mind around these majors changes. If I don’t I know it won’t be ok. And I could likely end up hurting the people I love and care about, and I do NOT want to do that. It’s hard to face this reality, especially when I have been so stable, but ignoring won’t help anyone. 

If you’ve read all this. Thanks! I hope maybe something resonated with you and you might be better for it. Even if not be blessed today!!


Happy Easter, Fuckers!

Yeah!  Easter!  Sorry to be so reverent, but, I’m not.  Sorry, not sorry.  It IS a beautiful day out there, and it’s SPRING (ahhhhhh Angels singing), so what’s not to like about Easter Sunday?  Ah hell I’m probably gonna lose all my followers for that title.  Not to worry.  I’ll do me.  You do you.

Speaking of the resurrection, my studies have been resurrected!  I’m back in class, (Certified Ethical Hacker) four hours per day, cramming in labs in between time, and a little bit of work for Dr. Flaky, as well as being my parent’s maid two days a week.  I’m busy!  Where are the spoons!  Can anyone send me some?  I am running on pure caffeine and a low dose of Adderall that is just not cutting it.  How I say how in the HELL do people do full-time jobs and LIFE?!  I will soon be attempting this feat again, as soon as I pass this certification.  I’m SCARED!!!

In other news, one of my good friends has gone to inpatient treatment.  He got a wild hair at the age of 45 and decided to try micro-dosing acid.  What led him to believe this was a good idea, I don’t know.  From there, he went a little wild and bought mushrooms, ketamine and METH (all off the Dark Web).  Which he proceeded to do from his desk at work.  Well, micro-doses led to mega-doses, and he quickly developed a meth habit that took over (despite the fact that he insisted it wasn’t “making him high”) and he blew up his life!  Which is all to say, don’t do drugs, people.  And stay away from the Dark Web!  It doesn’t offer anything good!  I have spent many an hour worrying about this good friend.  We have a psychiatrist in common, and he came clean and the psychiatrist calmly took it all in stride.  Oh, these psychiatrists and their poker faces!  How he didn’t call in the National Guard on him, I’ll never know.   Dr. Drugs just took away his Adderall and sent him on his way.  Cruel Dr. Drugs, cruel.

Today we have yet another family gathering.  I am plagued by family gatherings.  We have them just about every few damn weeks.  It’s either someone’s birthday, or it’s a damn holiday like Easter, and we have to have a big meal, and everybody has to bring shit, and we all gather at someone’s house, and hopefully my cantankerous old curmudgeon of a Dad behaves … lately Mom hasn’t been doing too well.  She is exhausted from taking care of Dad who is like a baby and Mom already had a heart attack and a stroke in December…a mild one of each but she’s working her way up to another.  So one sister and I are going to take Mom on a walk today and my oldest sister is going to lay the verbal smackdown on Dad.  Should make for fun times and a tension-filled meal.  Oh, how I love family dynamics!  It’s never as fun as tv shows.  More like slow torture.

Finally, guess what?  I joined Weight Watchers!  Woo!  There’s nothing like not being able to fit into your clothes to motivate a person.  On my first day, I had yogurt and granola for breakfast, a fruit smoothie for lunch, and then I crashed and burned on dinner and had pizza.  So, that’s how Weight Watchers is going.  Fabulous!  I guess the mere act of joining doesn’t get you much.  Oh dear…I may have to change some behaviors here…

Well I have to go bake a pie for this damn Easter celebration.  Hope you’re feeling as festive as I am!  Glory to God in the Highest and all that shit!  Peace out!


Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar Fat, Psychology Shmyshmology Tagged: Bipolar, Blogging, Hope, Humor, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader

Appraising my suicidal ideation and assumed methods.

1. Plough car into a suitable concrete wall somewhere on the M4:

Well, I’ve only just washed it, not to mention having T-Cut that scratch.

2. Take a shower after dark, drink copious amounts of alcohol, lie naked on lawn on a chilly night.

It’s a bit cold out there, and cosy indoors – what with the thick jumper and the central heating. And ‘Homeland’ is on in a minute.

3. Cut wrists.

That’s going to hurt, isn’t it? And there’ll be blood everywhere, I’ve only just started Spring cleaning.

4. Drink copious amounts of alcohol, swallow a few sleeping tablets. Jump off high building.

I don’t like heights and high buildings. They make me want to jump off. Oh…

5. Shoot myself.

Don’t have a suitable weapon. Nerf gun with foam ‘bullets’ borrowed from son probably not going to do the job to be honest, even at point-blank range.

6. Overdose of meds.

Couldn’t understand the document about quetiapine o.d. I found on Google – it was far too technical. Does it or doesn’t it?? Also, fluoxetine o.d. seems unlikely.

 

As Samuel Beckett put it: ‘I can’t go on. I’ll go on.


Easter Sunday

Easter Sunday

 

 

 

Today, again, I’m not me. Today,

again, I see reflections of elsewhere;

else-one. Some other to be. Buzzing

with a particle pulse of happening,

sampling on another level, distant.

 

Withdrawn and imagining how the

smooth cut of a wet stem makes

the flower undone. I’m not here

today; something is, but not me.

I am that close to the atom, see?