Tag Archives: bipolar

Antidepressants for ALL!

People are so easy to share (with me, because my superpower is communication) that they were (KEYWORD!) on antidepressants but the got off of them.

I don’t know if I should complain that you told me and then quickly told me that you got off them OR be happy that you told me you were on antidepressants..

This all coming after I confessed that I’m feeling really depressed and that’s probably why I lost 30 pounds..

Does and has everyone taken antidepressants? And if so WHY ISN’T mental illnesses widely talked about and understand…ed?!

I’m not on antidepressants.

I should be.

I’m not on anything..(well)..but who am I to judge her anyway? Mental illness, whatever face and shape it takes, is real.

Maybe I’m just jealous she got OFF them when some people can never stop taking them, or can’t get them in he first place. ✌🏿

Oh geez, is that a rant?

I have tried to write a freakin blog post for about two days and I haven’t been able to.

I don’t want to keep writing about how much this sucks and I don’t want to start something and stop again. Mental illness is such a hard topic to blog about because when you are smack dab in the middle of it yourself, it gets lost.

I brought back my site address www.bipolarunemployedlost.com because I know people suffering in the now are still finding this site. Whether if it started about me, things have changed.

I again, I feel like shit. My mind is running. I got too much energy and give it away too quickly, leaving me with nothing. I feel hard and emotionless.

im everywhere but nothing is moving

Now.

I feel weirder than ever.

I’m tired but yet hype

I’m thinking about things that need to be done, then switching it, switching, forgetting about the it, coming back to it.

I’m feeling my weight loss and I feel like I’m feeling myself too much. Time to get out of control.

I’m doing things I should NOT be doing.

I’m just tired y’all.

To be like Jesus

I used to think everything and I mean everything was black and white, right or wrong. Then I married someone from a completely opposite raising and background. We have always agreed on most things. I like to say we agree if you were to put it on a line. But many times we have very different ways of getting there. These things are still true today. But one thing I have learned since being medicated is that there are so many things in this world that don’t have a black and white answer. Or that aren’t in fact black and white. In fact there’s a lot of things that aren’t black and white at all. It’s so hard to try to find the right answer or what you should do. I view the “what would Jesus do” statement vastly different than when it started. Because let’s be real some people think Jesus would do one thing when in fact He May have actually done the opposite. The world is broken so there isn’t always a specific answer to any question. I do know that Jesus’ life was based on love and forgiveness. And sometimes that’s hard all by itself because it’s hard to allow someone to hurt you over and over again without any consequence. And the fact is we are human, all the way human! I’m not totally convinced we are built to be repeatedly hurt and harmed by the same person. There was a time when I spent a lot of time trying to do that but the truth is eventually I fell so low that I had a hard time functioning day to day. I don’t ever want to give up on anyone and there are many people I pray for that I definitely do not “feel” like praying for. But I believe God hears my prayer and He is working on something big. But we have to accept him and if you don’t live a life where you behave, even sometimes, like someone who knows Jesus then we do risk losing what we have. Or that’s what I believe. So I will pray for those who persecute me and allow God to do the work. I will protect myself and my husband and family, period, first and always.

Aren’t we supposed to look at people through a lens of salvation?? But salvation isn’t ours to give, so how are we supposed to relate to those people around us that only seek to harm us?? I don’t think that’s an easy question. And I also think it’s one that changes throughout our lifetime. And while if you had asked me 20 years ago if I believed people are evil I would have said no. But circumstances have shown me that that isn’t true. When you are required to be in someone’s life that is constantly out to make you look bad or lie about you. When that person lies about their kids, and husband and family. When you think that person has gone as low as they can go and yet they still find a way to go lower. It’s hard to figure out what God wants from you in the situation.

I don’t know if it’s just me or my illness or not. But I have so much anxiety when I am around people who have had a negative opinion of me in the past. I don’t want to say or do something wrong. And lets me real if you know me you know I will pretty much talk about anything. So now I’ve had to change who I am in order for someone else to be comfortable. And I’m not talking about the way you talk or even what you say. I’m talking about being so uncomfortable that you chose to stay quiet and not participate. And for an extreme extrovert like me that’s like torture. Even an hour feels like an eternity when you are trying not to say the wrong thing.

I will continue to do what I do because it’s who I am. And I like who I am. But I won’t allow people to constantly be hurtful and harmful to my family. Especially my kids. It doesn’t matter that all of them are almost grown. Do NOT mess with my kids because it won’t be pretty. And I mean every time. One of the hardest things I have to do is keep my mouth shut when my grown kids ask me to. Everything in me SCREAMS for me to do or say something to the person/people that have hurt my kids. I think I do pretty good. But I wouldn’t be surprised to find I don’t do as good a job as I think I do. But mark my words, as soon as they tell me I can do whatever I want I will do just that. I have good kids that work very hard and I will defend them till the cows come home!

It’s not something that is easy and it’s not something I think I have all the answers to. I do think it’s hard. And I do think we are not Jesus. So we should probably cut ourselves some slack when dealing with these different complicated relationships!!

A lot of periods no commas.

Here I am again. Here I am again. Writing on the stupid blog because my fucking brain doesn’t want to cooperate anymore. This is stupid. And everywhere I freaking look there wants to be someone who has killed themselves over mental illness. That has stabbed their children. I don’t know what is going on. I don’t know if the universe is telling me to go stab my child and husband. Or I kill myself. I know it’s not saying that. But what the fuck. I am going crazy and I don’t know how to stop this roller coaster.

PS. I’m not gonna kill my husband child but God dammit.

Another Week Goes By . . .

Gosh, another week has gone by already!  Well the first week at the job was good.  The first day, I was worried that my new boss was going to be a raging bitch.  She gave me a bad impression.  But as the week wore on, I got to know her a little, and that bad impression wore off.  Whew!  I’m glad.

I’m also glad to say that they kept me busy and I also got my exercise walking around that GIGANTIC building!!  It’s a quarter mile from one end to the other.  I also took a walk outside around the building during my lunch hour.  The grounds are very pretty, lots of trees and grass and some marshy areas, and lots of birds, which of course I LOVE!

I’m still going to bed pretty much as soon as I get home.  I ran a few errands after work a couple of days.  WOW was I grateful for the short, short drive to and from work!!!  But working full-time is just dang tiring for me and I need a lot of rest.  I wake up pretty early and that’s fine, I like a long morning.

One thing I LOVE about the job is that I get to wear jeans and sneakers – YEAH!!!  I wear a nice top (well, not a t-shirt) but some people dress so casually that I’m shocked!!  T-shirts, hats, shorts…it’s like they’re going fishing or something!  Whatever, it’s nice not to have to dress up.  I still do my hair and makeup.  I have my standards.

I’m still looking for a Security job and I sent two leads to the Workforce Center.  They are “supposed” to be trying to get me an on-the-job training opportunity.  I don’t know if they’re doing shit or not but I hope they are.  I will look some more this weekend.  There’s very little for me to apply for with my teensy bit of experience, but I’m not giving up!  I can’t stay in Desktop Support!  The only thing that makes it tolerable is telling myself that it’s temporary.  Still, having a paycheck and money in the bank feels damned good.

My mood is steady and good, thank God!!  This time of year is so much easier than Fall and Winter.  I’m just so grateful for the beauty and the warmth and the long days!  It makes life ever so much easier!

Well, peeps, be in touch please!  I hope you’re all well.  Hugs & kisses, BPOF!

A beautiful review from blogger/author Kimberly Morand

Kimberly Morand   Kimberly Morand’s book review for Birth of a New Brain – Healing from Postpartum Bipolar Disorder “knocked my socks off. (Well, I was sockless when I read the review, but my socks would’ve come off had they been … Continue reading

Shit has HIT the fan. Again.

Why is it…every holiday…I go crazy? Just really insane?

I get really angry and shitty to my family. I withdrew from the world just to pop back into it tomorrow at work.

I am getting tired of exchanging my happiness for this stupid disease. This thing that had a hold on me since the beginning of this blog to now.

Now.

I thought I’ve moved on. I thought I could carry on with my life thinking it was just a sad phase. Now that there is a little me in the world and this thing keep popping it’s head up…I have to think that this is forever. Completely. 100%.

I’m tired and pissed that I am doing this again.

Happy Mother’s Day

Me And My Goddaughters

Happy Mother’s Day to all you mothers, godmothers, pet mothers, women who wanted to be mothers but it never happened (that would include me), and any others I may have missed.  I included this picture of me with my goddaughters from today because it’s so exciting to me to see a picture of myself that I don’t absolutely loathe!  Progress!  Yay!

I spent a lovely Mother’s Day with my family.  It was a happy day with no high drama, fortunately.  Sometimes we just luck out like that.

It’s been an eventful weekend with shopping for Mother’s Day, clothes shopping, laundry, shopping for groceries, preparing food for the week, and getting my head ready for a new job starting tomorrow.  Yessssss I finally finished the job with the hellaciously horrible commute, and am starting a job that’s about four miles from my house.  Of course, I’m nervous.

The terrible stomachaches that plagued me through my period of unemployment, then mysteriously disappeared, reappeared on Friday during the day at work, which was torture, and again in the middle of the night last night.  I guess it’s safe to say that they are stress-induced, and hopefully my stomach will settle down as I settle into the new job.

I’m still working on my weight loss, having lost 23 pounds so far, which feels GREAT and I am so much less self-conscious about my body now.  My cheap knockoff FitBit imitator has really been pleasing, in that I have recorded 3-4 miles per day just in walking from the bus to work, and then walking around work.  This new job is in a HUGE building and I was told I’d get my 10,000 steps in by 10am.  I hope to be moving around like a madwoman so that I can keep up the weight loss :).

I gave my landlord notice that I’m moving out of this shitbox on June 30.  If this new job extends my contract, I’ll be moving to a nicer apartment.  If I end up jobless on June 30, I’ll be moving in with Mom and Dad.  I hope to GOD it’s the former.  Of course, I will continue to look for a Security position.  I should have a lot more time and energy to do that now that I’m not spending 3-4 hours per day commuting.

All in all I’m feeling very positive about life and grateful for how things are going.  Even though I thought it would be holy hell working in Desktop Support again, it is only minor hell and some of it is even stimulating.  Crawling under desks pushing cables around is still hell though.  But all in all I am ok, my mood is good and I am grateful for life!

Hope you are all doing well and fighting the good fight!  Keep in touch and peach out!  BPOF ❤

Too long

Too long without an update or a hello here!

I’ve spent much of each day, for a year or more, sedated. This comes from taking my meds as directed: 20mg fluoxetine, 400mg quetiapine each morning. (Then 200mg quetiapine and 500mg of valproate each evening.)

I’m holding down a stressful job, 3 days a week. And it was tough, doing this with a muddled brain that wants to lie down and take a nap every half hour.

It only occurred to me on Monday that I could take all of these meds in the evening, a couple of hours before sleep-time (except the fluoxetine, which is better taken in the morning it seems). So I did this and there was a huge difference immediately! Doing my job whilst awake was a revelation and it also seems to have helped my  anxiety a little too. I have more energy in the daytime too.

Of course, these evening meds should be knocking me out for 10 hours (there are people on Twitter who say 25mg of quetiapine will do this for them). But no, I still haven’t slept right through the night even once in decades.

* * *

I finally got to have my annual blood tests to monitor my meds. A year late. The results were in this week: all ‘normal’ except for my cholesterol, which has always been high, genetically. They were almost 7 before starting the meds and I was quite pleased that they’re ‘only’ 8 now. I was expecting double figures. My GP looked a bit concerned though. My blood pressure is a little high, nothing to write home about. My weight is too much; I’ve put on 2st in the past 2 years+ since starting bipolar meds.

So I agreed to start taking Simvastatin 20mg in an effort to lower the cholesterol level and took the first one last evening. Watch this space..

 

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