Tag Archives: anxiety

Adulting Is Hard Work

I couldn’t really think up a good title so I just went with my good friend Sass’s term for being a grown up and having to do all those parenty adult things that suck the life out of you :’adulting’.

I did manage to get an extra 20 minutes sleep this morning after waking at 3:30 a.m. I thought for sure I’d come home and sleep once I’d dropped off the spawn at school. But I was in withdrawal and panic mode as I had run out of smokes so I swallowed my pride and offered R a deal of “home cooked meal for smokes”. Shameful but necessary. I ran some errands, including Aldi, which is akin to having my eyeballs scooped out with a melon baller. Just the parking lot alone with cars going willy nilly and backing up and turning in, GAHHHHH.

On top of the dish adulting…I vacuumed most of the house, washed and dried and put away 3 loads of laundry. (only to find later when I heard a scratching noise that Feet had been laying in my drawer and I’d closed her inside the dresser. OOPS. Dumb cat could have meowed or something.) I washed dishes, I cooked a good meal, which my kid wouldn’t eat but I enjoyed it.

Spook was ungrounded today and within an hour, I had to take her new bike and put it in the shed. She was letting her friend ride it and the kid didn’t ask, just took off on it. I was pissed. After the fact I thought, these kids must think I am the grouchiest bitch on Earth. But ya know, you can only be taken advantage of so many times and have your stuff destroyed before you wise up. I did feel bad so I walked down to where they were playing and gave them popsicles.

R asked me to call his eldest daughter tomorrow because the cat she’s had 18 years, even when he and I were together the cat was there, had to be put to sleep and she is taking it hard. Oh, wow, do I know how that feels. I didn’t want to call after 9 cos of her 2 kids but I will make the call tomorrow and pretend I have social skills. It could be the lithium making me feel distanced, IDK. I know how it feels every time I lose a kitty and I am not a monster, I can reach out and show empathy and give condolences. Even if her approach to psychology is the very reason the mentally imbalanced get screwed by professionals.

A bright ray today..A laptop was left at the shop and R gave it to me. My nephew got it up and running (for the price of a pizza, a $400 computer for $14!!!) and I lurve it. It is very thin and it has touch screen, which I hate touch screen tablets and phones but it was a new gimmick. Not that anything is wrong with Mira here (Mira-cle, cos it was a miracle a beloved friend sent it to me so I could keep writing, oh I miss you, H.) The slim computer shall be called Sliver.I am not using it yet because I used a charger thing from another computer and I don’t think the rating is right, it was getting too hot so another thing I will need to buy. Sad when you don’t even know if you can work ten bucks out of your budget. But school pictures, cost of food, gas, blah blah blah…adds up and I usually do without to get it all done. ADULTING SUCKS.

Another bright note…It nearly killed me to not write all day but I had to focus on all I’d neglected. I sat down at 8:30 after I put Spook to bed and by 11:30…I typed 17 pages. Which is good considering I had no idea where the story was going to go from where it left off yesterday. I winged it and now I don’t feel so depressed.

I even worked in a shower and now I am watching Supernatural and a killer clown is loose and I dislike clowns but don’t fear them. Just, Pinhead, Jason, Freddy-no clowns, too icky.

Amazing how I got all this done on so little sleep with so much anxiety and yesterday I was a basketcase due to the same things. Bipolar just keeps on going like that battery bunny from hell.

Speaking of hell…Don’t tell me to go there. I can’t, at least not til Satan has that restraining order lifted.

I LURVE snarky t-shirts.

Back to Dean and Sam then I will attempt sleep. Adulting sucked but I did okay. Which means I will likely have a few not okay days.

The fact this has become the new norm is just suckage.


4:56 a.m.

So of course,a couple of days after telling my shrink I’m sleeping better these days…I wake at 1:30 a.m., then 3:30 a.m. and I’ve been awake since in spite of 0.5 mg xanax. The weather has been shitty and I am freezing, and oh, once I turned off the furnace for the season thinking, oh,’it’s 85 degrees, why do I need to pay for heat? The damned furnace went out again.

I suppose shark week and all those rioting hormones explain why I am so uncomfortable (in pain!!!) and moody and probably even why I’m battling the sleep issue. Because it wasn’t aggro enough to spend ninety minutes trying to fall asleep. No, my scumbag brain never thinks it’s enough aggravation for me.

If you want some sunshine spewed…I’ve been writing again, even though I thought for sure last week that the whole socialization thing had wrecked it. 600 pages and counting. (Not that impressive when you consider the 1.5 line spacing.) It’s something and I will take it, though some days it’s like giving a gator a dental cleaning. I have to pull out the creativity while the chaos around me distracts and stresses me out.

The weekend brought to my attention that while I have long blamed those devil neighbor girls for making my life a living hell…I had to face the problem is actually my child. Because she made four new friends with little girls new to the trailer part and she is still driving me nuts running in and out, demanding food for them, and not being where she says she will be. She even let the devil girls mess with her brand new bike she got for Easter (my mom bought it, I don’t have that kind of money or insanity, it’s frickin’ Easter, man.)

I never thought my kid was perfect but I feel bad now for blaming the devil girls entirely. My kid is the problem. She is a follower and she will do anything for these other kids to like her and she doesn’t care how her running in and out and dragging 4 kids inside with her even when told know tears my mental balance to shreds. It’s not that she’s ‘just a little kid’. She knows right from wrong at school. I guess I have just been sleepwalking through life for so long, I didn’t instill enough fear of consequence in her for her to respect me and give a damn that her actions are driving me off the deep end.

She did her best to break me yesterday because I couldn’t find her Saturday where she said she’d be. Then she came out of the woods with this new girl and I made her come in and she was grounded yesterday for both not being where she said she would and also, disobeying me by going in the woods. And to prove what a sheeple my kid is, she is STILL trying to sway me with “Joanna Banana Socks’s parents let her play on the tree chipper!” That follower mentality just infuriates me. But I did not break yesterday, she was in the whole day and I personally turned away 4 different kids. My social butterfly needs some boundaries even if at the end of the day I want to go cry in the closet from the anxiety of her browbeating me all day.

To my credit, I did not cry. Might be the first time in months the raging hormones didn’t send me to tears.

So life is still a bowl full of worm infested rotting cherries and my shrink says I look so much better but…I don’t feel all that better. I get animated talking about being able to write again and suddenly, he thinks I’m on the road to cured.

Have I ever mentioned how over this bipolar thing I am? I want every vestige of it plucked from my brain even if it leaves me a drooling looney tune. Not like I’d notice much difference between this life and lobotomized life.

Did I mention I am also very cranky and spiteful before ten a.m.? I should not be awake at this ungodly hour. My whole day is going to be thrown off by this sleep disturbance which is going to piss me off and I will be exhausted…

That’s all it takes with bipolar. One little breeze of mood shift or heightened anxiety, and the dominoes all start falling. They don’t even fall in an awesome pattern.


A Condo With A View – A Natural Stress Relief

This is the view I can wake up to every morning by the end of next month! And it won’t always be cloudy! Yes!!!!! The hunt is over and we have a new home. The search is over and we … Continue reading

To Sleep or Not to Sleep – That Is the Question

According to WebMD (which I find a pretty reliable source), “An inability to sleep is one of the key signs of clinical depression. Another sign of clinical depression is sleeping too much or oversleeping.” http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/depression-sleep-disorder#1

So, apparently, with either unipolar or bipolar depression, either way you’re screwed when it comes to sleeping.

Most of what I could find online about depression and sleep talked about depression and insomnia. WebMD says:

An inability to sleep, or insomnia, can be one of the signs of depression…. Lack of sleep alone cannot cause depression, but it does play a role. Lack of sleep caused by another medical illness or by personal problems can make depression worse. An inability to sleep that lasts over a long period of time is also an important clue that someone may be depressed. http://www.webmd.com/depression/sleep-depression#1

But, they add, “a small percentage of depressed people, approximately 15%, oversleep or sleep too much.”

I seem to be in the 15% that sleep too much. I usually wake up around 7:00 or 8:00, take my morning meds, and go back to sleep until 9:30 or 10:00. Sometimes I have a little nap in the afternoon. (For me, a “little nap” is about two hours.) I take my nighttime meds at 11:00 and am asleep by 12:00.

That’s a lot of sleeping.

Of course, those are just averages, just when I’m depressed, and just when I have no deadline-dependent work to do. Many days lately, I have been getting out of bed when I first wake up and skipping the afternoon nap. But then I go to bed even earlier, though I usually read for a couple of hours.

On the other hand, I’m subject to mixed states, when depression and anxiety coexist. When that happens, I want desperately to sleep, but can’t turn off my idiot bipolar brain. I’ll lie awake thinking about my writing, or my finances, or any damn thing. I’ll wake up at 5:00 and do the same. Those are often the days when I try to work in a nap.

Back to WebMD. They note:

Doctors may sometimes treat depression and insomnia by prescribing an SSRI along with a sedating antidepressant or with a hypnotic medication. However, hypnotic drugs usually should be taken for a short period of time. http://www.webmd.com/depression/sleep-depression#

Part of my nighttime meds are an anti-anxiety drug and a sleeping aid, plus an SSRI and an atypical. So, am I overmedicated?

It’s possible. But I trust my psychiatrist, and I’ve been on this regimen for a number of years now. My bipolar symptoms are now fairly well controlled, I’m able to work, and with the help of my husband, I manage to get through most days with level moods, only mild depression, and only occasional hypomania. I’ve been on other drugs and other combinations of drugs that did not work as well, or gave me horrible and vivid nightmares or other side effects.

I don’t want to hear opinions on the drugs I take from people who are not M.D.s and have never met me, or as Jenny Lawson said recently, “something that every person who deals with mental illness dreads…well-meaning advice from others.” Believe me, whatever it is, I’ve tried it. That’s not why I’m writing this.

What I do have to say: Whether you sleep too much or not enough, bipolar disorder may be the cause. There are treatments, some involving meds, and others not. Meditation, for example, helps many people sleep. (My mother used to sing herself to sleep with hymns when she had insomnia.) It’s a thing to discuss with your psychiatrist and/or your psychotherapist. He or she may be able to help. You don’t have to go through sleep disruptions without treatment. Even with all the problems that sleep causes me, I’ve got a system that works well enough for me.

And … now my insurance company thinks it knows better than my psychiatrist and only allows me a sleeping aid every other day. Apparently my choices are pay for it myself or take Benadryl. Again, I’m not asking for advice. Just restful, restorative sleep.


Filed under: Mental Health Tagged: anxiety, bipolar disorder, depression, drug side effects, my experiences, psychotropic drugs, sleep, sleep disorders

Anxiety

I have never really paid much attention to anxiety. I don’t know why. I guess for so many years I just didn’t even think about mental health. But when I didn’t have a choice but to face a major life change it seems that anxiety really takes hold of me and won’t let go. 

In a way I am thankful for the things that have happened. The panic attacks and the never ending rock stuck inside me. I mean I’ve been on my other meds for almost 3 years now. And I have been stable. So this feeling as it built to critical mass wasn’t something I really thought about. 

I went to see the PA at my doctors office. I basically said “I don’t care if I am comatose. I WILL NOT be the center of attention at my son’s graduation because I can’t control what is going on inside me. She asked a bunch of the normal questions. And I answered them. But I am extremely self aware, most of the time. When I finally figured out what was happening was anxiety. I realized something could be done about it. So, she prescribed me a new medication. It is not in the family of klonopin, and clonazapam. I don’t want to take those kinds of medications, unless it is a very last resort. 

So, I am happy to report that I think this medication is going to work. It’s a take as needed thing. I took one the first day and within 15 minutes I could feel that rock inside me starting to shift and leave. I am so so happy about this. I pray it keeps working and doesn’t cause me any problems. I was able to go to work and not let little things bother me that have been bothering me for weeks. To the point where I was carrying it with me all the time. 

I probably should have examined this more closely sooner. But I just honestly figured the meds I already take would cover that. Boy was I wrong. I’m still going to take some time off work. I need it and with graduation 3 weeks away I need to focus on celebrating my baby and the man he is becoming. Maybe after that I may try working a couple days a week or something. I don’t know. I do know I am so grateful for medications that help me be who I am. That allow the real me to come out without all the bad stuff all the time. Believe it or not I get tired of it too. All I want is to put it away because I know I’m the long run it really isn’t that important. 

I’m still exhausted but I am excited about what is to come. And I am so so excited to watch my baby graduate from high school. He’s earned it and I couldn’t possibly be more proud. 

As always, thanks for reading!!

And have a blessed day!!


I Faced My Fear! (Well, Partially…)

Last Wednesday I went to my first Toastmasters Meeting and I survived! (I wrote about my fear of public speaking in this post and described a little bit about what the Toastmasters do.) With a groovy name chapter name like “The Redwood Ramblers,” how could these Toastmasters not be a cool bunch? Nevertheless, I had my … Continue reading I Faced My Fear! (Well, Partially…)

Easter Sunday

Easter Sunday

 

 

 

Today, again, I’m not me. Today,

again, I see reflections of elsewhere;

else-one. Some other to be. Buzzing

with a particle pulse of happening,

sampling on another level, distant.

 

Withdrawn and imagining how the

smooth cut of a wet stem makes

the flower undone. I’m not here

today; something is, but not me.

I am that close to the atom, see?

 

 


Do Not Ever Think A Mental Health Disorder Diagnosis Makes You Crazy

I’ve been brewing and stewing this post for a loooong time but a tv show episode just kind of nudged me to bring it to fruition.

NONE of us like labels, NONE of us want to be called disordered, dysfunctional, imbalanced, ie; crazy.

Fact is..mental illness (whether you like the term or not, it is what it is) does not care who you are. It does not care how smart, educated, or socially economically privileged you are. The brightest minds can fall victim to personality disorders, mood disorders, thought disorders. If you think no genetic link or an abundance of smarts and education and productivity protect you…

You are wrong.

Fact is, cruelly so, most of us with a chink in our mental health armor, are actually intelligent, creative, strong, stubborn, and not at all malleable.

So do NOT ever be like the mindless masses and assume mental illness/disorder is a synonym for “crazy”.

Our thoughts fire randomly. Perhaps we don’t make sense at times. Maybe our logic is askew and we make poor choices. Maybe we fail those who count on us and it is unintentional and after the fact, we loathe ourselves.

It is NOT the same as being a sociopath or psychopath. Most with a legit diganosis still feel guilt, we have a conscience, we hate ourselves and regret our behavior even when it is spilled milk. THAT is what separates us from those who are chemically balanced yet socially bankrupt. We actually do feel bad when our behavior is detrimental to ourselves and hurts others.

So…No matter your failures or shortcomings…You are not crazy.

Thinking that is just ignorant social programming and ignorance may be bliss for the sheeple…

But most of us have had enough counseling to know ignorance isn’t blissful and denial isn’t a good coping mechanism.

It’s okay to feel bad for poor behavior, to feel guilty for those you feel you have wronged because your neurons were misfiring…

It does not make us “crazy”. Nor does it make is beyond help, or beyond redemption. Like any physical illness, mental health issues should have some leeway. I’ve long said no one would expect you to place first in a long distances marathon with a broken leg…

So why are we held to the same standards as people without a brain chemistry issue working against us?

Maybe we all feel crazy at one time or another, or hell, in my case, at many times.

I never stop feeling bad for it. I may let myself move on, but it is never without a great weight over my head for I feel terrible when I hurt people, intentional or not.

We are not crazy, nor evil, nor beyond help.

The only ones advocating for us are ourselves and the mental health community who knows how we feel.

Never fall prey to a cruel society who lacks the intelligence to ever truly know what mental illness is like.

Be strong, be a survivor, kick ass when you can, retreat when you must…BUT DO NOT EVER ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE GUILTED INTO FEELING THE WAY THE IGNORANT SHEEPLE THINK YOU SHOULD FEEL.

We are stronger than that. We tangle daily with our own minds and still, we are not out killing people like the so called “sane”.

Rather than self hatred and exile…maybe we all deserve a spork of fortitude.

No. Not maybe.

We all DEFINITELY deserve a spork of fortitude.


Wake-Up Calls from the Universe

    During the past week, I had an epiphany courtesy of my inner universe. The inner universe is the area comprised of mysterious brain synapses and who knows what else… Maybe subatomic bits of chocolate? I can’t type “inner universe” without thinking of Crowded House’s hypnotic song Private Universe.  Ever since the creation of my … Continue reading Wake-Up Calls from the Universe

Short Circuit

Not sure why but today was a bitch. Been a long time since the anxiety disorder ran riot and panxiety grabbed me in is jaws and shook me about like a rag doll.

All morning and all day, I felt this foreboding. Something bad coming, bad juju. Enter panic and paranoia. It had my stomach torn up. I blew off a prior commitment because my brain had me convinced leaving the house would bring something bad about.

I took a Xanax, to no true avail. I’ve been short, testy with everyone, and raised my voice too many times to count or justify. Explain, sure. When your brain is sending you misinformation and making you feel fragile enough to shatter in a thousand pieces…it is easy to spaz out and lose your cool.

Not my finest hour, today. Not a good start going into 4 days of my kid being home and all the Easter rigamarole. I am TRYING but this ninja anxiety and its throwing stars of panic attacks is just brutal.

Point for me recognizing my feelings were a distortion. Point against me, I handled it as ass trashy as possible. (Though when I got out of the shower and one of Spook’s friends decided to barge in the door while I had no pants on…)Yeah, I had every right to go off on that, you do NOT enter without knocking, ESPECIALLY when someone is telling you NO, do NOT come in. Fucking sad I gotta keep the place on max security prison lockdown to combat kids who just barge on the damned door.

All around a very bad mental health day.

I hope I feel more solid tomorrow so I can get my Easter shopping done while Spook is at mom’s. Hope, hope, hope, so hope.

Really hate anxiety disorder even more than my plethora of other dysfunctions. Anxiety is crippling and it sparks fight or flight response. I don’t like it. I’d about undergo an exorcism just to get rid of it.

Though that too would give me an anxiety attack so…fuck a duck in a bucket.