Author Archives: Waldo Jeffords

World Bipolar Day

I feel compelled to at least post something about this day.  I'd go read a bunch of links in blahpolar's link dump.  Some really good stuff there including the questioning of whether there needs to be a "day" for everything?  Also worth reading is this excellent article about Van Gogh and bipolar.

March 30th is his birthday and thus the association.  The article suggested that perhaps identifying with Van Gogh is not the best move.  First off it's psychobiography and speculation about his illness(es).  Maybe he just had epilepsy.  It's also an untreated life that ended in suicide.  Is this really the person we want to tout as a bipolar example?  Sure he's a great figure, a great artist, yes, but why use his birthday?  Finally, using him as an example perpetuates the intertwining of genius and madness.  There's a romanticism to the tortured artist.  Mania can produce some creative sparks but it can also destroy lives.  And can't someone be stable and creative?

RIP Patty Duke

I know next to nothing about Patty Duke.  I didn't know she had bipolar or was a mental health advocate.  I grew up with no access to television which included any reruns of old shows.  I've never seen her television show or The Miracle Worker.  In case you didn't know any of this either, I thought I'd make this post about her passing.  I think it's good to know about mental health advocates and be grateful for the impact they had.  I think it's good to know about public figures that have bipolar and were articulate and realistic about it.

Image credit: Wikipedia


RIP Patty Duke

I know next to nothing about Patty Duke.  I didn't know she had bipolar or was a mental health advocate.  I grew up with no access to television which included any reruns of old shows.  I've never seen her television show or The Miracle Worker.

In case you didn't know any of this either, I thought I'd make this post about her passing.  I think it's good to know about mental health advocates and be grateful for the impact they had.  I think it's good to know about public figures that have bipolar and were articulate and realistic about it.

Image credit: Wikipedia


Butterfly breathing

More racing thoughts.  Work productivity is a little better, but I wouldn't say by much.  I've managed to make a little more progress on one simple bug.  On a good day this bug should take an hour.  I'm going on a day and a half at this point.
How am I supposed to focus when I am this distractable and filled with restless energy?  It's almost like akathisia but I can't imagine why I would be experiencing that.

I'm able to sit still for periods of time.  It's akin to "butterflies" in your stomach.  I frequently have to take a deep breath as I realize I'm breathing so shallowly that I'm out of breath.

I'm self-diagnosing it as hypomania at this point.  All I want to do is write and draw.  The ideas are flowing even though I can barely focus.  My mind is jumping from one idea to another, thinking about finances, the upcoming yard work, autism, bipolar, my brother, my parents, the list goes on.

So far today I have:
1) Done 4 loads of laundry
2) Deactivated my old twitter account and started a new twitter account for @frustratedmess I'm hoping to use it to spew out random stuff and not clutter the blog.
3) Updated the layout of blog adding a button to follow me on twitter
4) Corrected several errors in old blog posts
5) E-mailed the Bipolar Blogger Network asking them to add my blog to their list.

And probably more posts are in the works... so more than one in a day perhaps!  Can you say hypomania?

Image credit: Pixabay

Racing thoughts, no work done

Almost seem to be cycling these last three days.

Saturday I was extremely irritable. I felt miserable. Had no patience for kids or Mary. I know it was terrible to be around me. I was just so low. No energy.  We went out to a restaurant and Curly Jones screamed multiple times. It was so stressful. Then we drove around to look at other landscaping in the neighborhood. The imminent landscaping we are doing is going to be very expensive which is a stress in itself.  There are so many decisions to make as to which plants etc. When we got home I just collapsed on the couch and drifted off.

Sunday we cleaned house almost all day to get ready for company. I was energetic and exuberant. I took Curly Jones to the grocery store all by myself, which requires an unusual amount of gumption and confidence.

Today I was back to work after only a two day work week. I got nothing done. Literally nothing. I was on my phone a bunch, did laundry, took a lunch nap, and read a bunch of blogs. I couldn't focus even on activities that weren't work. My mind was going too fast. And of course getting nothing done at work led to terrible anxiety and guilt. Which led to more procrastination. Rinse and repeat.

What's going on? I'm not sure. Probably relevant that I got five hours of sleep three nights in a row. And that I forgot to take my meds on Saturday. I hardly ever forget. Like once every two months.

My advice to myself: don't get too stressed out about the past. Tomorrow could be very productive and balanced. Today doesn't mean that tomorrow has to be any certain way.

Racing thoughts, no work done

Almost seem to be cycling these last three days.
Saturday I was extremely irritable. I felt miserable. Had no patience for kids or Mary. I know it was terrible to be around me. I was just so low. No energy.  We went out to a restaurant and Phillip screamed multiple times. It was so stressful. Then we drove around to look at other landscaping in the neighborhood.

The imminent landscaping we are doing is going to be very expensive which is a stress in itself.  There are so many decisions to make as to which plants etc. When we got home I just collapsed on the couch and drifted off.
Sunday we cleaned house almost all day to get ready for company. I was energetic and exuberant. I took Phillip to the grocery store all by myself, which requires an unusual amount of gumption and confidence.
Today I was back to work after only a two day work week. I got nothing done. Literally nothing. I was on my phone a bunch, did laundry, took a lunch nap, and read a bunch of blogs. I couldn't focus even on activities that weren't work. My mind was going too fast. And of course getting nothing done at work led to terrible anxiety and guilt. Which led to more procrastination. Rinse and repeat.
What's going on? I'm not sure. Probably relevant that I got five hours of sleep three nights in a row. And that I forgot to take my meds on Saturday. I hardly ever forget. Like once every two months.
My advice to myself: don't get too stressed out about the past. Tomorrow could be very productive and balanced. Today doesn't mean that tomorrow has to be any certain way.

Image credit: Wikipedia

Five depressions a week for life

What the fuck am I doing buying scratch-offs? I guess the fantasy is that I'm going to win and not have to work anymore. No shit. Why does anyone buy them? But really, the question isn't why buy them, but why tonight. Because it's become a goddamn habit.  So here I am wasting money. Fucking loser.

Full neck beard equals depressed

Title says it all.  I haven't shaved in about eleven days.  Haven't washed my hair in six.  I look a mess.  This is what my depression looks like people.  Sleeping 10-12 hours a night.
Feel like I can't talk about it b/c it's March.  And I'm "allowed" to be depressed end of January and beginning of July.  I fear Mary has no patience for this.  I'll get encouraged to exercise, do something I enjoy, change my medication, go see my pdoc.
I have counseling today.  I thought about cleaning up.  But why should I hide how I'm feeling?  Thinking of trying Latuda in case it's cheaper than the Abilify.  I doubt it is. I need to see if I can find a coupon for Abilify. I pay $7 a pill now for generic which just seems like utter bullshit.  Anyway, I've been better. I've been worse. Life marches on.

Shit falls apart

That's what is happening these days... shit seems to be falling apart.

The house
Our house is losing 25 gallons an hour.  There are no obvious internal signs like wet carpet etc. so at least we got that going for us.  But we can't figure out what it is.  The plumber is coming tomorrow.  Hopefully it's just the toilets.  Hopefully the home warranty will cover the repairs.  Otherwise I'm not sure what the hell we're spending $60 a month on.



My work chair

Sat it on today.  Half the seat fell in.  It can be repaired and Mary got all the information off the bottom, which was so kind and thoughtful.  She could tell I was pretty grumpy about the whole thing.

I think it's interesting I got this chair in January of 2007.  I was unmedicated, terribly depressed, and in a lot of pain.  January is the month of bad impulse control.  Phones get upgraded, electronics purchased, scratch-offs, etc. etc.  This chair is an unbelievable $1,000.  I dropped that no problem... without looking back.




My work computer
It's not really my work laptop, but the virtual machine for spinning up the latest release.  Somehow by interacting with source control and requesting, cancelling, then requesting an operation again I seem to have completely hosed my environment.  If I don't get it fixed, then I don't know what my co-worker will do.  He doesn't know how to fix it.  I'm only writing this post because I have rebooted the machine three times trying different things to fix it.








SADS = no posts

It's really not surprising at all that I haven't posted from January 20th to February 17th.  This is one of the worst periods of the year.  I think somehow in conjunction with bipolar I have SADS.  Or maybe it's just the bipolar.  Either way I get seasonal depression here and during early July.  It's a toss up which is worse.


I do think the light box has alleviate some of my depression during this time.  It wasn't as bleak as it has been.  I also managed to keep up relatively high productivity at work, while other times during this year my productivity has suffered.  Work performance is an obvious barometer for my mental health (as well as housework).  At times it did all seem too much and I lagged behind on the laundry etc.

Last weekend was rough as Mary discussed how critical it was we concentrate on in-home family therapy for Phillip before his 5th birthday.  The neuroplasticity really slows down after 5.  She has been watching many videos on autism talks from the University of California San Diego.  This was very distressing and overwhelming to me.  It feels like such a monumental task.