Author Archives: stuffthatneedssaying

Incredibly Weak Quadriceps

I’ve been struggling with knee pain and difficulty (sometimes downright impossibility) with any activities that involve putting weight on my knee while also bending it.  I can’t squat to watch my guinea pig munch on his lettuce anymore, which is possibly the cutest thing ever.  I can sometimes barely make it up and down stairs […]

Life-Changing Encouragement and Inspiration

Yesterday was life-changing.  I’ve been chronically depressed and suicidal for quite some time, particularly over the past 6 weeks since losing my former therapist.  At my last psychiatrist appointment I even asked about ECT, feeling desperate enough to try anything.  My psychiatrist said she didn’t think it would help me, which was a crushing blow.  […]

At the End of My Rope

I can’t let it go I’m at the end of my rope I needed someone to show me everything And I thought you could wait Through my missteps and mistakes I needed someone to say That you’d be here anyway –Sister Hazel, “Anyway” A few weeks ago, Sadie said to me, “Even if I’m frustrated […]

The Positivity Kit

Eleven days ago I called the hospital where I had my two November inpatient stays to ask about admitting myself.  Ever since my psychiatrist failed to tell me that my latest suicide plan was non-fatal, I’ve been obsessed with dying.  I didn’t want to die.  I have so many things to live for.  I just […]

Stolen Freedom

On Monday I had an appointment with Sadie.  I wanted to summarize the week since I’d last seen her before addressing my real issue, which was a friend who was staying with me.  I didn’t even get to summarize the positive parts (including seeing a play and going to a sober prom), because I briefly […]

Top Reads of 2017

2017 was a light year for reading.  I had to make my way through several lengthy textbooks and that plus the struggles I had with my mental health led to not reading nearly as many books as in recent years.  Thus, I only found three to be highly recommended. The Buddha and the Borderline by […]

Running

I haven’t blogged in 3 months. When last we met, I had recently been released from the local inpatient unit where I have always gone for treatment. While there, I ran into one of my former clients, and the on-call therapist who had admitted me didn’t seem to care. Fast forward to October and my […]

Bree

Every time I have a stay in the inpatient unit there are one or two people I really connect with and we exchange contact information to stay in touch.  In my most recent stay, one of these was an 18-year-old girl I’ll call Bree.  Bree was depressed and suicidal and had a tendency toward self-harm. […]

This Isn’t an Empty Box

I created this collage about the experience of recurrent mental illness: how it destroys the positive aspects of me and how even when I do just what the doctor ordered I still have symptoms. The blank space is for anyone else who is struggling to tell your own story. Make your own collage. Draw. Write […]

Vacation Valium and College Chromebook

Late Saturday night I returned from a week+ vacation to Walt Disney World.  I had planned very thoroughly to fit in all the rides and shows and parades and random street performers, and then my mom encountered a medical issue and plans flew out the window.  We still had fun, we just didn’t get to […]