Author Archives: songtothesirens

Am Really Not Feeling Well At All

Alone in a Barren Wasteland

This pretty much sums up how I am feeling. This one snuck up on me. I wasn’t anticipating becoming this depressed this fast. I was fine yesterday, I think. I do not know anymore if I am okay, delusional, depressed, manic, whatever. I have become too good at hiding the illness. Yes, I am going to use the term “illness” which anyone who has followed my blog over the years knows it is a term that I really cannot stand. However, I am sick so the moniker seems appropriate.

I am a disappointment to everyone. Why did I have to be the one who got sick? Couldn’t have been someone else in my family (most of whom will not have anything to do with me.) I have too many pills in the house. Taking them seems to be a good idea, but not really. If I have disappointed everyone, then taking myself down will really have a detrimental effect. I do not know anyone who would even come to my funeral; my family is very Christian and suicide is a sin. Why go to memorialize a sinner?

I feel very much like that lone tree in the winter; everything is bleak and dark. Can’t seem to find any light right now. Everything is dark and getting darker. I want off this ride. I can’t take it anymore.

Filed under: Alone, Bipolar Disorder, depression, depressive episodes, Failed Dreams Tagged: Bipolar Depression, Illness

Okay, A Bit Peeved This Morning…..

Job Hunting with Bipolar Disorder
Job Hunting with Bipolar Disorder

I honestly do not understand people who try to help me put a positive spin on the Mack truck sized whole in my work history. They always tell me things like say you were a homemaker (that was true for about 2 years out of 4 years of marriage), say you got married and didn’t need to work ( I have been divorced for 3 of the 9 year employment gap.) All of these things to say would be lies; do you honestly want to start a new job having told lies during the interview? At some point, the Bipolar disorder will rear it’s ugly head.

I know people mean well when they offer these bits of advice on how to handle a really ugly work history deficit., but I do not feel comfortable just straight out lying about the reason I have been out of the workforce. I would rather say something to the effect of “I suffered an illness, and I have spent the last few years recovering. I am recovered now, and ready to rejoin the workforce.” That isn’t a lie. It is all true; I am just leaving out the Bipolar part. Once hired, I am covered by the ADA. I have, however, been feeling mostly normal for a while now. I am really not liking staying home, but the last time I went job hunting, I applied for about 20 positions and got 3 calls, and no return calls after revealing that I had been recuperating from an illness, and that I was fine to work.

All the job sites I have read recommend facing the problem head on, and being honest about what and why you were out of the workforce for so long. I do not like lying, so this seems to me to be the logical path to take. Besides, if you lie, you have to remember the lie, you have to live the lie, and you certainly cannot reveal the real reason you haven’t been working. It just doesn’t work for me all the way around. If an illness can return, then the employer needs to know about it so they can provide reasonable accommodations.

Filed under: “Disability”, “normal”?, work related, Working Tagged: Bipolar I disorder, Job hunting

I Do Not Normally Like Cutesy Memes…..But,

This one struck a chord. I love cats. I love their sense of independence, I love the way they pretend to ignore you, I love that they can be amused for hours with a q-tip or a paper clip (at least my furry goofball can), and I love the way they nap unrepentently for hours. The other thing they do is purr. Purring is known to lower blood pressure, pulse rate, relieve anxiety (to a point), and generally, make people feel better for a time. Imagine how good you and everyone else could feel if they could find that inner purr? If the whole world could locate that elusive thing known as purring, perhaps people could find it in their hearts not to judge, not to blame, to be tolerant of difference, to celebrate that difference, to realize that diversity is what makes life interesting and worth living. Just imagine what we could accomplish if we found that magical spot inside ourselves that purrs.

Find Your Inner Purr

Filed under: Uncategorized

Ever Feel Like This?

Video for Fleetwood Mac’s 1969 live version of “Oh Well”

Filed under: Uncategorized

The Case of Linda Bishop as Recorded by Filmmaker Brian Arotti

I found this on a blog that I read regularly by a former Washington Post columnist named Pete Earley whose son suffers from Bipolar disorder. He is the author of Crazy: A Father’s Search Through America’s Mental Health Madness. He is also a vocal advocate for raising mental health awareness in this country.

This trailer is for a movie about a mentally ill woman named Linda Bishop. She had Bipolar disorder and struggled with psychosis and delusional thinking. She died of starvation in 2008 after living in an abandoned farmhouse and eating only apples from a nearby orchard and drinking melted snow. She was released in 2007 from a New Hampshire state hospital with no doctor’s appointments, no medication, and no follow-up treatment. The hospital did not even question whether the address she gave them was a valid address. She lived on the streets, in jail, and finally in the farmhouse. She kept a very detailed journal while at the farmhouse where she was waiting for the Advent. She was alone, not medicated, and psychotic. No person with mental health problems should ever go through this. She needed help, and the state hospital let her go after a year with no aftercare or medication. She received no help, and she died because of that lack of care. Please find the link to the trailer for the movie below. This woman did not have to die had the hospital simply given her follow-up instructions and medication to keep the psychosis at bay.

God Knows Where I Am

Filed under: Alone, Bipolar Disorder, hospitals, psychosis Tagged: Bipolar Disorder, death, Lack of Care

The Case of Linda Bishop as Recorded by Filmmaker Brian Arotti

I found this on a blog that I read regularly by a former Washington Post columnist named Pete Earley whose son suffers from Bipolar disorder. He is the author of Crazy: A Father’s Search Through America’s Mental Health Madness. He is also a vocal advocate for raising mental health awareness in this country.

This trailer is for a movie about a mentally ill woman named Linda Bishop. She had Bipolar disorder and struggled with psychosis and delusional thinking. She died of starvation in 2008 after living in an abandoned farmhouse and eating only apples from a nearby orchard and drinking melted snow. She was released in 2007 from a New Hampshire state hospital with no doctor’s appointments, no medication, and no follow-up treatment. The hospital did not even question whether the address she gave them was a valid address. She lived on the streets, in jail, and finally in the farmhouse. She kept a very detailed journal while at the farmhouse where she was waiting for the Advent. She was alone, not medicated, and psychotic. No person with mental health problems should ever go through this. She needed help, and the state hospital let her go after a year with no aftercare or medication. She received no help, and she died because of that lack of care. Please find the link to the trailer for the movie below. This woman did not have to die had the hospital simply given her follow-up instructions and medication to keep the psychosis at bay.

God Knows Where I Am

Filed under: Alone, Bipolar Disorder, hospitals, psychosis Tagged: Bipolar Disorder, death, Lack of Care

The Case of Linda Bishop as Recorded by Filmmaker Brian Arotti

I found this on a blog that I read regularly by a former Washington Post columnist named Pete Earley whose son suffers from Bipolar disorder. He is the author of Crazy: A Father’s Search Through America’s Mental Health Madness. He is also a vocal advocate for raising mental health awareness in this country.

This trailer is for a movie about a mentally ill woman named Linda Bishop. She had Bipolar disorder and struggled with psychosis and delusional thinking. She died of starvation in 2008 after living in an abandoned farmhouse and eating only apples from a nearby orchard and drinking melted snow. She was released in 2007 from a New Hampshire state hospital with no doctor’s appointments, no medication, and no follow-up treatment. The hospital did not even question whether the address she gave them was a valid address. She lived on the streets, in jail, and finally in the farmhouse. She kept a very detailed journal while at the farmhouse where she was waiting for the Advent. She was alone, not medicated, and psychotic. No person with mental health problems should ever go through this. She needed help, and the state hospital let her go after a year with no aftercare or medication. She received no help, and she died because of that lack of care. Please find the link to the trailer for the movie below. This woman did not have to die had the hospital simply given her follow-up instructions and medication to keep the psychosis at bay.

God Knows Where I Am

Filed under: Alone, Bipolar Disorder, hospitals, psychosis Tagged: Bipolar Disorder, death, Lack of Care

The Case of Linda Bishop as Recorded by Filmmaker Brian Arotti

I found this on a blog that I read regularly by a former Washington Post columnist named Pete Earley whose son suffers from Bipolar disorder. He is the author of Crazy: A Father’s Search Through America’s Mental Health Madness. He is also a vocal advocate for raising mental health awareness in this country.

This trailer is for a movie about a mentally ill woman named Linda Bishop. She had Bipolar disorder and struggled with psychosis and delusional thinking. She died of starvation in 2008 after living in an abandoned farmhouse and eating only apples from a nearby orchard and drinking melted snow. She was released in 2007 from a New Hampshire state hospital with no doctor’s appointments, no medication, and no follow-up treatment. The hospital did not even question whether the address she gave them was a valid address. She lived on the streets, in jail, and finally in the farmhouse. She kept a very detailed journal while at the farmhouse where she was waiting for the Advent. She was alone, not medicated, and psychotic. No person with mental health problems should ever go through this. She needed help, and the state hospital let her go after a year with no aftercare or medication. She received no help, and she died because of that lack of care. Please find the link to the trailer for the movie below. This woman did not have to die had the hospital simply given her follow-up instructions and medication to keep the psychosis at bay.

God Knows Where I Am

Filed under: Alone, Bipolar Disorder, hospitals, psychosis Tagged: Bipolar Disorder, death, Lack of Care

So, What Does a Bipolar Write About When They Aren’t Feeling “Polar”?

Peaceful Coexistence
Peaceful Coexistence

I am at a loss as to what to write. I do not feel bad. I do not feel good. I feel like the sine wave that is my life has flat-lined and the boat I sail in is not rocking as hard as it had been there for a bit. For a while, I thought I was going to land myself in the hospital for the first time in 4 years.

I was up, then I was down. I spent the better part of one day crying because of some delusional (yes, I know when I am about to break with reality) idea that my boyfriend of a little more than a year was actually more interested in someone else. Completely fabricated by my mind to make me insane. My rational brain knew it wasn’t true, but the siren song of delusion and near psychotic thought had me in tears from the time I woke up until I just cried myself out. The next day, I was back up. 

And, so it went for about a month; up and down, up and down, up and down. I have to say rather unpoetically that it sucked. Now, however, I don’t find myself rocking so viciously, and I am not sure how I feel about that. I am not used to living on an even keel. I have never been on an even keel…..ever. So, now I am at a loss. I don’t know how to act. This is a whole new level of Bipolar weirdness; the level where you do not feel “polar.” I can’t remember ever feeling like this. I am not too worried about it though. It shall pass. Soon, I hope. It is nearly as uncomfortable as meeting someone’s parents for the first time. Or, like you have finally achieved comfort within your mind. That mind betrays me a lot. We do not have a great working relationship, and right now the rational and the irrational are on speaking terms. It feels weird. I suppose I should be happy that the voices have quieted down for a bit. Part of me really wishes they would start talking again. I am used to that constant chatter; this lack of chatter is something that I do not think I have experienced before now.

 

Filed under: “normal”? Tagged: Bipolar, Discomfort, Feeling “Normal”

So, What Does a Bipolar Write About When They Aren’t Feeling “Polar”?

Peaceful Coexistence
Peaceful Coexistence

I am at a loss as to what to write. I do not feel bad. I do not feel good. I feel like the sine wave that is my life has flat-lined and the boat I sail in is not rocking as hard as it had been there for a bit. For a while, I thought I was going to land myself in the hospital for the first time in 4 years.

I was up, then I was down. I spent the better part of one day crying because of some delusional (yes, I know when I am about to break with reality) idea that my boyfriend of a little more than a year was actually more interested in someone else. Completely fabricated by my mind to make me insane. My rational brain knew it wasn’t true, but the siren song of delusion and near psychotic thought had me in tears from the time I woke up until I just cried myself out. The next day, I was back up. 

And, so it went for about a month; up and down, up and down, up and down. I have to say rather unpoetically that it sucked. Now, however, I don’t find myself rocking so viciously, and I am not sure how I feel about that. I am not used to living on an even keel. I have never been on an even keel…..ever. So, now I am at a loss. I don’t know how to act. This is a whole new level of Bipolar weirdness; the level where you do not feel “polar.” I can’t remember ever feeling like this. I am not too worried about it though. It shall pass. Soon, I hope. It is nearly as uncomfortable as meeting someone’s parents for the first time. Or, like you have finally achieved comfort within your mind. That mind betrays me a lot. We do not have a great working relationship, and right now the rational and the irrational are on speaking terms. It feels weird. I suppose I should be happy that the voices have quieted down for a bit. Part of me really wishes they would start talking again. I am used to that constant chatter; this lack of chatter is something that I do not think I have experienced before now.

 

Filed under: “normal”? Tagged: Bipolar, Discomfort, Feeling “Normal”