It is appropriate that my mind has come out of its detox fog for the last week of the year. Last night I had to clarify that I did not feel well physically, since I have a cold. I’m so used to saying I feel like crap (meaning mentally), I felt that a qualifier was necessary. My mind is clear, and I am neither depressed nor manic. Feeling optimistic is something with which I am not comfortable, however that is exactly how I feel.
Two appointments with my mental health team are scheduled for the first two weeks of the new year. This will be the first time that I will bring up the question of the validity of a mental illness diagnosis. I have a great deal of apprehension about these forthcoming discussions. After several conversations with a person who has done a great deal of research on Asperger’s Syndrome/Autism Spectrum Disorder in adults, it has become evident that I need to bring up this possibility with my psychiatrist and therapist. This could be an explanation as to why no medication has ever worked for me. Unfortunately, this is somewhat disconcerting since mental illness has been a major part of my identity for so long.
On the other hand, it’s also possible I may just be experiencing a period of stability which tricks so many people with a mental illness into a false sense of well-being. I am not medicated, I happen to feel stable, therefore I do not need medication. I find myself getting into a circuit of overthinking this subject, and at times it has become overwhelming. I feel ridiculous when I imagine the beginnings of the conversations I will have, as well as the judgmental looks and responses I expect to receive.
- I have had numerous conversations with a non-professional which make me believe my initial diagnosis is wrong.
- I have taken several online tests which seem to make it evident that I have Asperger’s Syndrome.
- Could it be possible that you made a mistake in your diagnosis?
- Perhaps I agree with the definition of bipolar disorder simply because it somehow fits, in retrospect (but then could the same be said for the Asperger’s Syndrome diagnosis?).
So you see, while feeling optimistic I am simultaneously uneasy.