Author Archives: shayna

Love

Discovering
Fluttering
My heart is buzzing
My pulse is racing
I am pacing
I’ve discovered my heart
Wish I had from the start
My heart is opening
Wounds are exposing
My vulnerability
It hides behind my availability
No longer can it be ignored
It doesn’t matter who has scored
It’s my chance at a dance
One final romance

The Truth About Me

In truth I’m me
No more, no less to see
I am complicated
My past cannot be duplicated
I’ve succeed and failed
My coffin has been nailed
I’m bipolar and sick
I’ve thrown tantrums and fits
I was hospitalized
My future not yet realized
I had a manic episode
I thought my head might explode
I saw the future and past
It didn’t last
Two months I was insane
It is hard to explain
My logic was wrong
I kept singing the same song
Chanting and nodding
My thoughts were colliding
It’s easy to be crazy
Much harder to be lazy
I laid in the hospital bed
I banged my head
Now I have a diagnosis
It’s hard to understand the prognosis
Will it happen again
Or was it the end
I’m still just me
Look deep down inside, you’ll see
The truth is, this is who I’m meant to be

Aftermath

I went insane
There is no one to blame
Now I’m labeled
They think I’m unable
They’ve given me drugs
No more hugs
I’m bipolar they say
Went through hell, no more time to play
A manic episode
It made me implode
I saw demons and darkness
They clothed me in their harness
I believed I was experiencing an awakening
It left me shaking
Now I’m out of the hospital
But I still must take the pill
I’m not sure what happened or why
I thought I might die
Now I’m left to be me
I feel blind, I can’t see
Hard to see past the past
It’s what happened last
It went by so fast
What am I left with?
A diagnosis and no more gift
The gift of enlightenment
It was a false sense of entitlement

Mind Games

The mind is a beast
It comes from the east
Back to the beginning
It seems to have no ending
It endures suffering and pain
Through it all it tries to gain
You think you know
But the mind has its own go
If you move to fast, it moves too slow
It can trick you and tease you
It’s games will not please you
The mind works on its own
In pain it will moan
If you ignore it, it will scream
It doesn’t mean to be mean
You can not tame it
It will throw a fit
You must work with it in order to grow
That is the only way to truly know

Reliving Moments

Reliving moments
There are many opponents
I’ve been bad and I’ve been good
I’ve gotten away with more than I should
I can’t live in the past
That’s no way to last
I must move forward
I must be heard
I have not been perfect, not even close
But my loved ones love me
They love me most
To others I’m more like a ghost
I’ve come and I’ve gone
I’ve gotten along
I’m ready for more
That’s one thing for sure
More friends and more love
Blessings from above

Destiny

Raining down on me
For all the world to see
Gifts and blessings
And life’s lessons
So much to learn
How I yearn
It’s time to earn
My place in the sky
Questions, I ask why
How do I make an impact
First I must act
Not sure what to do
It must fit like a shoe
Maybe if I’m just me
Allowed to just be
That’s all I will need
Speak my heart til I bleed

Shine

Look in my eyes
Realize
I’m back to my old self
Took a break, put it on the shelf
Now I’m here
It’s all clear
What I’m meant to be
You will see
I’m stronger now
My fist strikes – pow
I know what matters to me
I know how to be
I can’t ignore
It made me sore
I’m ready to roar
Unlike before
It’s my time to shine
It will be sublime

Imagine

Take me by the hand
I’ll lead you to a land
The castles are made of sand
It’s a land of imagination
You’ll experience elation
And a change of elevation
It’s a place of hope
One where you can cope
It’s inside your mind
Just reach deep down inside
It likes to hide
Behind the obvious
Take one look, don’t be oblivious
You construct it
Don’t judge it
Let your self imagine
Be your own Aladin

Choices

Feeling light
It must be right
I’m ready
My hand is steady
It’s time
Time to rewind
Relive and live again
Make a friend til the end
It’s time to live life to the fullest
No more of the dullness
It hurts to be exposed
But it hurts worse to be disposed
It is good to take a chance
In the end, it’s the only time to dance
In life there are choices
Listen to the inner voices
Feel the freedom of being you
It is the only thing to do

There is Hope

It’s hard to believe it has been over two months since I was released from the hospital. A lot has happened in that time. In some ways it seems like just yesterday and in other ways it seems like light years away. In that time I have spent many hours thinking about what happened to me, and more importantly why. I still don’t have answers. I don’t think I ever will. If I’m honest with myself I realize that it all began months before my hospitalization. It may have begun with being laid off. That happened in February. The day after my lay off I felt so much gratitude that I cried. I looked up at the sky and said thank you repeatedly. I felt so blessed to have the gift of time. I had been struggling to be happy in my job, so it seemed like an amazing opportunity. Six months later my view is completely different. I’m having a hard time finding a new job. It has been a process. I will never again take a job for granted. Having a job is a privilege, and one I never fully appreciated until now.
When I first left the hospital I thought I was all better. It takes stepping back to realize that wasn’t the case. The day I left the hospital I was still caught up in my delusions. I still believed I could telepathically communicate the day after I was home. I even heard a voice call my name the next day. I knew I was getting better, but I wasn’t there yet. The weeks after I was home I thought I was back to normal. Now I know that wasn’t the case. In the last few weeks friends and family have started to say I’m back to my old self. I’m smiling and laughing. I didn’t realize I wasn’t doing those things until after the fact. My smile felt uncomfortable – like a new facial expression. That’s when I realized I hadn’t been smiling. Sometimes you don’t know what you’re missing until it returns.
When I left the hospital I was devastated that I had to take my medication. It was my nightmare. Now my medication has been cut down to the point where I feel hopeful. I’m on a very low dosage of Zyprexa and Lithium. When I first got out of the hospital I had such bad tremors that it was difficult to do basic things like put on makeup. It made me feel defective. Tremors are a side effect of Lithium and now that I’m on a lower dosage I’m shaking much less. I feel human again.
I’m not sure what the next few months entail, but I know I’m excited to find out. I’m not scared or nervous like I was. I feel hopeful.