Author Archives: paz

I’m Still Alive

It has been a couple of months since I last posted. I have been adjusting to my new reality of being a single parent. It has been a little difficult, but also empowering. I am amazed at my own resilience, my life has seemed very surreal over these past few months. Many things to adjust to. I am shocked that I did not have a bad episode after my Husband left, perhaps it was because I was just too damn busy having to rearrange my whole life.

Anyway, I am on a little weekend getaway with my Son……we are in Bocas Del Toro, Panama for a long weekend. Bocas is on the Caribbean, just south of Costa Rica. It was only an hour flight from San Jose, CR in a small “Puddle Jumper” type plane. It is very lovely here, a bit rustic, but spectacularly beautiful. It is extremely relaxing, just what I need after all of the upset and craziness with moving and starting a new life for Myself & my Son. I love the beach & palm trees and the sparkling blue Caribbean Sea. It calms me to hear the sea lapping at the shore and to see the palm trees swaying in the gentle breeze. Better than Valium for tranquilizing a person, IMO.

Now that I am feeling better [I admit to being in hiding for the past few months, I was a mess] I am going to try and post here regularly, and maybe even include some pix. I am also going to start making Videos for my YouTube channel on a regular basis, I think it might be therapeutic. And I am signing on @ Skype more regularly, I think it’s about time that I get back into communicating with people again.

Peace, Love & Joy 2 All!

Indifference

Earthquake

We had a pretty big earthquake here Wednesday @ about 8:45 AM. They say it was a 7.6 to 7.8. We were all @ home, My Mother, Son, Myself, Aurea & our friend/translator/helper.  My Mother was helping me pack, when we felt the first wave……my Mum said “what was that?” Then I felt  more shaking, and the doors were rattling and I said. “Earthquake” and grabbed her hand, we grabbed my Son & Dog, Aurea & our friend [who had been moving boxes] and we made it outside away from the house & we sat on the ground. The shaking is like waves under the  earth, you can feel them. It shook for a few minutes, then stopped. Water was sloshing out of the pool, and we all just sat quiet for a minute. Then Aurea had hysterics, trying to call her daughter’s School, but the rest of us were calm. My Mum was like “wow” and I said that was a big one……in 2009 I was here in CR when they had the biggest Earthquake that they had had in almost 50 years,  it was a 6.1. and I was closer to the epicenter for that one. Yesterday the epicenter was on the Nicoya Peninsula, on the Pacific side [the gulf of  Nicoya separates the peninsula from the mainland] and it was about 45km [28 miles] deep. Now the shallower the quake, the more damage there is, usually in a smaller radius, but the deeper the quake, the farther away it is felt. They felt this one through Central America  from north of Nicaragua & all the way down through Panama. They issued a Tsunami alert for all of Central America, but later suspended it. We live about a 45 minute drive  west to the Pacific Ocean, so we were not that close, but man, it really shook here! There were a few landslides, but only 3 people died, 2 from heart attacks from shock, and one construction worker who was at a building site. Very fortunate that there were not more fatalities. The province of Guanacaste [where the epicenter was] is mostly beaches & touristy, though in-land it is much different, Farms, valleys, and the Monteverde cloud forest and Volcanoes.  The pix on the news showed that they had some damage there at the coast, but here we are fine. And about an hour after it happened, I went to my new house & checked everything and all was well. In our little town, people were chattering about it, but everyone was ok, not freaked out. Poor Aurea was frantic until she was able to reach her Daughter’s School on the phone [all lines were super busy right after the quake, everyone calling to make sure their loved ones were ok] but her daughter was ok, and they sent all of the children home from school [she lives in the town Alajuela, about a 35 minute drive from here] Her neighbor was going to pick up Aurea’s daughter , so she was fine, though my friend [who also called about their loved ones] said I should send Aurea home[and I did tell her she could just go & work the next day if she wanted to] but she refused. She did help pack up more stuff, and she did some cleaning & laundry. We have felt no aftershocks here, but at the beach there were a couple.

Funny how some people just flip out in an emergency [like Aurea] and how some like myself stay calm…….funny because I am the one with a “Mood Disorder” and you would think that someone like me would just wig out, but it’s the opposite…….I wig out over “stupid shit”, not the important stuff, though the “stupid shit” doesn’t seem so stupid to me at the time. Life is strange, huh?

So Close…

I am so close to cracking it is scary. I have too much responsibility at this particular moment that I have been medicating myself a bit stronger than usual just so I can get through this week. I hate meds, but they do help me focus and calm down so I can function. Besides moving, I have to deal with my son being ill, I took him to the Clinic and he has an infection that requires antibiotics. It’s not serious, and this is only the second time in my son’s life [he’s 7] that he has ever had to take antibiotics, so I am very grateful that I have a very healthy boy.

So, I have to start packing, deal with realtors, deal with the stupid lawyers from the property dispute over the house that I am moving out of, plus the fact that my son needs to stay home from school for at least 3 days. Oh, and there is a parent/teacher conference this week [they have them several times a year]. A very busy week, thank heavens my Mother is here to help with my son. That is how she has been supportive, stuff with my son and just being “Nana”.  Emotionally for me, she is not the greatest support, as previously stated she’s “stiff upper lip ” generation, but she is in her mid 70′s so that is the way many people her age are, and I can’t change that, but I am grateful for her help with my son.  Now, if I can only keep it together and get us all moved in by this fri-sat I will feel so much better about my ability to actually accomplish things. I have a sneaking suspicion that after we get all moved in & settled that I just might fall into a heap on the floor from stress & exhaustion, but I will try very hard to remind myself that it’s not a given that will happen, only my own paranoia about my illness and it’s effects on my body after stressful situations.

I will not crack, I will not crack, I will not crack. Fuck you Bipolar 1!

For My Husband

The way she sings this is heartbreaking…….and I know how she felt when she sang it.  She died with a broken heart, and she sang with soul.

 

If Only

If Only I had been a better Wife, If Only I had been a better Mother, Lover, Person! I would not be feeling sorrow. If Only I had been able to listen better about what He needed, If Only I wasn’t Mentally Ill.

Bipolar Kills. People and Relationships. It’s pretty fucking sad when you think about it. Problem is, when suffering an episode, I DON’T think, I FEEL. And I can’t remember things that I said at times when I was having the episode, it’s like a white hot blinding flash and I just say stuff that isn’t very nice. And I get a tone of voice that is mean, and I’m pretty much just an impossible moody bitch that no one can deal with for very long. I try to go off and calm myself down, and when I do the sorrow is so deep, the feeling hurts so much that my body feels like it is on fire, I pretty much just collapse………but only for a short time, a few hours, then I pull myself together for awhile, but then a wave of sadness will overtake me and it starts again. It eventually stops. If only I had paid more attention to my Husband’s needs instead of being so emotionally fragile, I could have seen what was happening with him, if only I hadn’t been so selfish…….If only I hadn’t been so needy and dependent on him this may have been avoided.

Damn. I hate myself. And I hate this illness. It just helps to destroy everything that matters to a person.

And I hate needing meds to help me function in normal society.

Missing Someone

I am so busy lately with the whole moving/old house/lawyer drama, that I have been trying to not think about the big empty hole inside of me, the part where my Husband belongs. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him. Even though we were so angry at each other when he left, I still love him and miss him so very much. He & our Son were my whole life, our little family means everything to me. I have been realizing over the past couple of days just how much I do love & miss him, but I am afraid that the job of loving a Bipolar is just too hard for him right now.

I wonder if he will ever be able to Love me again. I hope he will.

New House

So, I think that I may have found a new house……as you know there was so much bullshit and drama about my present home from earlier posts. There is a dispute as to actually owns the house, and there have been lawyers and police & papers filed at court…..and I am stuck in the middle, because when we first rented this place, all seemed fine. Then we needed some repairs done here, and that’s when all the bullshit came out. My Husband got involved w/ trying to help, but then things got too messy, we were arguing and just hating being caught in the middle, our relationship suffered, he got too stressed out and then just split [he went back to Canada] and I was left here to deal with all of the crap & corruption. I already posted about my husband leaving, so I won’t go into that again, but a few days after he split, my son & I had to go on our Visa Run [ every 90 days we have to leave CR for a few days to renew our Visas.] We [my son & I] are in the process of applying for permanent residency, and there is a lot of paperwork involved, but once we get residency status, we won’t have to take Visa Runs every 90 days, we will be free to come & go as we please. This is a very good thing, since my son goes to private bilingual school here and I hate having to have him miss school when we have to renew our Visas. We went to Panama again, and it was awesome, I just think Panama & the City is a really fun place to go.

Anyway, besides all of the residency paperwork I have been looking for a new house which has been stressful. I wanted to try and find something in this same neighborhood, but alas, nothing withing walking distance to his little private school.  So, I have been looking at other places, and I found a really sweet place with awesome views, a pool & gardens. It is on a private lane, which is a  cul-de -sac. It has a lovely large stone wall  with planters & a gate at the top of the lane, and there are only 3 houses on the whole long lane, which when you get to the bottom, there is a river &  small waterfall. There is one house at the top of the lane, one in the middle [ soon to be ours] and then one way down at the bottom near the river. The whole lane is probably 2 kilometers long  from top to bottom, and it is very private and lovely. We will see even more wildlife, Toucans, Parrots, Hummingbirds, Monkeys and many butterflies and exotic flowers & fruit trees everywhere. And the view is spectacular, and it is very tranquil there, just what I think we all need after all of the stress we have had here.  Today My Mum & I have to go to the Realtor &  do paperwork. I have to see if my son’s little private school’s buseta [a small bus] will come and pick him up at the top of the lane. I think it will, the school has about 4 of the little private busetas that pick up kids from different neighborhoods. If not, well then I will have to drive him everyday. Whatever, we will figure things out as they need to be taken care of. I have to focus on one thing at a time, or I will go maniacally crazy. I will miss this neighborhood, I liked being close to the school, but it is mostly filled with retirees, there are only about 3 other children besides my son who go to the school, and they are in the upper grades. The new house will be more peaceful, and so private that my son will be able to make as much noise as he wants to, play & explore and take paths up & down the lane to the river. Plenty of room to play Futbol [soccer] and we will put up a basketball hoop for him as well.  The Realtor said that it is sort of like a kids’ paradise, tons of things to do & explore. I agree, and it will also be lovely for me to hike all around without having to leave the lane. I just hope all goes smoothly, I can’t take much more bullshit. Last night I had a few drinks because I just hate pharmaceuticals, and the drinks seemed to mellow me out. I don’t do that very often, but with all of the shit that has been going on I needed something to help me feel better.

As for the Husband, well I have our son call him everyday, though I don’t really speak to him on the phone. It’s better that way, if he has something to say he can email. I try very hard to never say anything negative to my son about his father, though my son understands that father left because he was yelling at me too much, and that father was doing that because he was sad & needed to go talk to a Doctor. He also understands that father will be away for awhile. He is such a good boy, I am very proud of him. As for me, I am trying not to be a nervous wreck, and right now I hope father doesn’t come back for awhile, because I need to get my new life & new house all worked out, and to go see the shrink on a regular basis. I need to figure out what I need, and truth be told, there is so much less tension in the house since he split [there is still crying, but that is done in private & is less & less now] I want a house of peace, love & tranquility, and hopefully this new house will be just what we need. I will do a cleansing ritual before we fully  move in, just to make the place my own. And the best part is that there are stables nearby, so maybe I can get another horse [I had one growing up] and my son has expressed interest in learning to ride, which fills me with great joy! There is nothing like the feeling of freedom when you are horseback riding. I only hope he loves it as much as I do. We shall see, I just hope today goes well. One day at a time is how I have to live right now, or I will truly lose my mind.

Alone

It has been a month since my last post, and it has been a very ugly month.  I am alone now, just my Mother, Son & I. My husband went to a therapy appointment  that I made for him, and it was a double appointment because I had to talk to someone about what has been going on here. The therapist was kind, but not very helpful to me, as she was not used to dealing with bipolars, only people with depression. I have to say I was glad that she was upfront about her lack of experience, she is a Psychologist, not a Psychiatrist and she said I needed more help than she was able to give. She first spoke to my husband, then to the both of us together[which in my opinion was a huge mistake] and after she saw that her strategy wasn’t working, she sent my husband out to wait whilst she spoke with me. Now, I was agitated, and I am a pacer, I cannot sit still when agitated, and this bothered her very much. That is when she told me that she would give me a referral  to a Psychiatrist, and then she called my husband back in, and had him tell me what his plans were. He then just blindsided me by saying he was going back to Vancouver and that he was leaving on Sunday [3 days from then] He also said he didn’t know when he was coming back, but that he would come back. So he left 3 days later. He said he was not abandoning us, but how do you think I felt? And still feel? He left on August 12th. And you all know about the bullshit with the landlord and all the drama that I posted about, so I have had to deal with people & Lawyers and a child who misses his father and I have never felt more alone in my life. My Mum is a help with my son, but emotionally she is rather cold, the “stiff upper lip thing” and all of that. I am alone, and I cannot cope. I AM ALONE.

Oh, Mother!

So, lots has been going on since my last post…..

My Mother is finally here! She arrived on the 17th. She is well & happy, and I am very grateful that she is here. I had an awful episode on the 15th which lasted for a couple of days. I was able to get my shit together in time for her arrival, thank heavens. I did not want her to see me all freaked out like that, it is upsetting for her as she is probably reminded of my siblings and their erratic behaviour, and we all know what became of them.

She arrived bearing gifts, as usual. I how have a sleek new HP laptop which is awesome. She bought all kinds of things for all of us, which is really cool. But the best thing is that I now have someone who I can count on for support.  And we all know how important that is. She wants me back in therapy ASAP, and I have to be sure to take my meds.  A small price to pay for my sanity and well being, I guess.

Now about my episode…..

I woke up on Sunday the 15th to angry accusations about something I wrote here on my blog. What a way for a Bipolar type 1 to wake up! I had been hanging on by a thread for the last couple of months, and to be woken like that just set me off in the worst way possible. I felt the anger & sorrow rise in me like a tsunami that is caused by a super earthquake. I went to take a shower to try & calm down, only to start sobbing under the running water, and primal screams were stuck in my throat, which did come out after a minute or so of being in the shower. It was awful. Then when I finished my shower & got dressed, I went outside to speak about what had transpired. I was shaking with anger, and I totally lost control. I attempted to shove the person who was responsible [husband] and wound up getting tossed into the pool fully clothed. HOLY SHIT! I was beyond  anger at that point, all I felt was rage & hate. I wound up saying a few things during my episode, I don’t remember much, but I do remember saying “CONGRATULATIONS! You [husband] have succeeded in finally breaking me down and ruining the stability that I have been working so hard for!”  There was other stuff said as well, but it’s all a blur. And I am not conveniently forgetting, I truly don’t remember! Anyway, I wound up sobbing in the bathroom for awhile, and a friend of ours who was here came into the bathroom and sat with me and was very reassuring. They told me that all of this wasn’t my fault, and that I needed to go to the Doctor & Therapist to help me with my problem, and that I should probably take my meds because I would probably feel calmer. I just cried and cried on their shoulder, and they just kept saying over & over that it wasn’t my fault, and that I shouldn’t worry, everything would be ok. I just love this person, they accept me for who & what I am, and without their support I would have been in Hospital.  I wound up pulling myself together enough to get dressed and then to leave the house with my friend for awhile. My friend spoke to my son whilst I was pulling myself together, and they told me that my son hadn’t heard the ugliness that happened, and that my son was ok, he understands that people have disagreements and sometimes need to go for a walk to cool off. I was so relieved that all was ok with my son, and when I went for a long walk with my friend I was a bit calmer. I had to take a larger dose of mood stabilizer and a Valium, and I brought a 10 mg zyprexa with me just in case I needed it. We were gone for about 4 hours, which helped me immensely. I was still shaky for the rest of the day and the next day. I was so thankful that my friend was around, they know how hard things have been for me and they know about the problems I have been having in my relationship with my husband. My friend was angry with my husband for setting me off, they know how hard I have been trying to keep my shit together for the past few months, and for my husband to wake me up and start bitching about something that didn’t even pertain to him! well, that pissed my friend off.  My friend, whose name begins with A, has a sister who is Bipolar, and A knows that you shouldn’t try and agitate a Bipolar! It’s a really stupid thing to do, especially when you know how fragile we can be & how hard it is to keep moods in check.  Fuck!!! I hate myself, I hate this fucking illness and  I really fucking hate the fact that I need meds & therapy.