Therapy peacocks???WTF, Morgue? Lolol. It’s an Arby’s commercial and it cracks me up. I believe in therapy animals, but a therapy peacock on an airplane…That’s just funny.
Golden days…I had one last Thursday. Kids playing in the yard, got stuff done, even survived my creepy brother hanging out, uninvited. (Sorry, love him, but a 23 year old who spends all his time wanting to hang out with my 8 year old is fucking creepy.) It was just a rarity, to feel in a decent mental space, to have major stressors like noisy kids, other parents, and people to deal with, plus 45 minutes of homework four nights a week which in Spook time turns into ninety minutes cos most is spent having a fit…I handled it beautifully. Golden days.
More often, I have pyrite days. Fool’s gold. Up and functioning, but so stilted by one or another disorder that it’s not a quality day. That was Friday. Temp dropped from sixties to thirties, gloom, off and on rain. Couldn’t get warm. Had to work up the courage to call the doctor’s office about the whole gabapentin situation. The nurse was supposed to get back with me Thursday but didn’t. It took another three hours after I called, me wringing my hands, breaking out in hives, stomach churning the whole time. Limbo. Ick. This new doc has me rattled to the nth degree. I don’t want to be viewed as some troublemaker constantly in need of attention but at the same time, I can’t be held responsible for their short staffing issues. It is perfectly logical to contact the doctor’s office when you are having trouble with a medication.
And 300 mg of gabba gabba kicked my ass and left me wishing for death so it was crucial to get hold of them, not because I am unwilling to try it-I’ve heard and read great things about it as an anxiety med. I just want to start at a lower dose. And so I need to get thee into town to the pharmacy to pick that up.
I engaged in some exposure therapy over the weekend. Not because I wanted to but because things had to be done and I figure if I do the exposure therapy thing it will either fix me or melt me down further so they have to put me on lockdown. Either way I am trying.
I dropped my kid at mom’s for a sleepover, braved Aldi, was doing ok in spite of the dismal rainy weather…Then I hit Hellmart. I mean Walmart. ARGGHHHHHH. I hate that place with the burning intensity of a thousand suns. But in keeping with exposure therapy I used one of the self check outs for the first time. It was as awful as I figured it would be. I had a ton of food, the bags kept ripping, I couldn’t find the UPC codes, the case of water ripped open…there were people behind me waiting impatiently. I couldn’t figure out how to ring up an onion and the lady that was supposed to be helping at self check out was busy with a line of people so…I started cussing and panicking right in plain view. It was as bad as any job I ever had, the stress of doing it all and doing it quickly cos people were waiting. I did not handle myself with dignity, but then, who does when in a panic? I am all for anything that lessens my need to deal with other people but when it makes my life more frustrating…fuck your self checkouts, Wal-mart.
To my chagrin, my dad called on my one kid free night and asked if I’d go out to dinner with him since my brother was out with my nephew and stepmonster was out with nephew’s fiance. I was like a deer in headlights. Dad is a downer. Both my parents are cos they are so critial and dismissive of anything I say or feel. A counselor who met them described them as toxic and told me to limit contact for my own well being. And of course, there’s the whole ‘in the middle’ thing. It’s been 21 years since my parents split and yet they still put us in the middle so if we’re nice to mom, it irks dad, and if we’re nice to dad, mom thinks we’re sucking up to him.
My fatal flaw is, in spite of how rough around the edges I am, I really don’t want to offend or hurt people. Plus a free meal out…I was trying to convince myself dad’s not that bad…when he said, “I was going to ask your sister first but since she has your kid, I’m asking you.” Ha ha ha ha, second choice, as usual, feel the love. Oh, well. I went. He dragged me to some farm and home supply store. They had a live pig there named Curly Sue so while he looked for his redneck stuff, I spent twenty minutes talking to the pig. I am an animal person. Then we ate at Long John Silver’s and after, he took me for the same old cruise of the semi truck lot he used to cruise with us when we were little kids. Yay. I wish I could get excited for such things but…I can’t, it’s not my thing.
Saturday evening I curled up on the couch and watched Deception and For The People. Gotta say, I had my doubts about these Tv Free Way digital antennas but as long as you’re okay with 10 channels not of your choosing…they work like gangbusters. Everyone thought I had cable, the picture is so clear. I lucked out the day that dude left those at the shop cos they didn’t work with his analog tvs. Free stuff is always good and better when it actually works.
There was one scene on From The People where the two women were walking across the bridge in New York and I was just mesmerized by the lights and view…but I also felt my heart start pounding and my breath quicken because all that activity overwhelms me even from a TV set. That alone should give the professionals an indication how life altering my disorders are, even TV shows set me off. If only I had a therapy peacock…
Sunday I faced another daunting thing. I cooked and had my mom and sis and nephew and his gf come over to see the new place. I worked my butt off getting the place cleaned up and organized-ish. And it went well. Except for having to hear about how much Spook told them she hates it here. All the while she tells dad’s side she likes it. Kid is sheeple, she tells people what she thinks they want to here. She knows grandma doesn’t like it here, so she hates, but poppy does like it here, so she likes it. I don’t know what it’s like to be that malleable but it must suck.
Anyway…I survived it all. Downside, I was so exhausted physically and mentally, I went to bed at 8:30 last night and I slept hard and without any sleep meds. Dealing with stressful stuff tires me out quickly, I tend to hit a wall.But I have at least earned an E for effort.
So…I did ok aside from the cussing panicking meltdown at Walmart. When I go there, I need a therapy pet cobra to do my hissing and venomizing for me. Or…I could just never have to go there again.
I have a rich fantasy life.