Happy New Year, dear Readers!
One of my New Year’s resolutions is to blog at least once per month. After I published my 5-part mania series in October, I stopped writing. I’m hoping to change that and to write more consistently.
After my most recent manic episode (September 2016), I had a lot of self-reflecting to do. I grew tired of taking my meds, so I began to take them inconsistently last summer. I didn’t notice an immediate impact, but my spotty pill taking would eventually lead to a manic episode. Because of the consequences, I’m still kicking myself in the ass about that decision not to take my meds as prescribed.
There were two major consequences: more credit card debt and grad school fallout. I’ve accepted the fact that I’m in credit card debt, so when all was said and done, I did cringe at having a higher balance, but I’ve accepted that I spend when I’m manic. In the future, I’m hoping to use my mom and my fiance to help me control the spending. (Yup, fiance! I proposed when I was manic. We had been discussing getting married for a few months, so it wasn’t entirely a manic, impulsive decision).
However, unlike the spending, I’m still struggling to come to terms with the grad school fallout. At the start of the fall semester, I was enrolled in three classes and a yearlong internship. After I became manic, I, along with the school administrators and my internship supervisor, decided that I should withdraw from my internship so I could focus on my recovery. Two of the three classes that I was taking were tied to the internship, so once I withdrew from one I had to withdraw from the others. That left me in one class.
No longer interning three days per week, I began applying for full-time work. I figured that if I couldn’t at least intern, at least I could make some extra money. At the end of October I began working at a nearby high school in a position that fits into my needs. This job is a one-year assignment, so it’ll end in June when the school year does. That is perfect for me and my grad school schedule. I’ll hopefully work at a summer enrichment program for students/camp. Then, come September I’ll be interning again.
Even though leaving the internship was best for my well-being and recovery, I can’t help but feel disappointed. Disappointed that I won’t be graduating when I originally thought. Disappointed in myself, because I brought this on myself. And disappointed that I won’t be in classes with the two good friends I made in my program. I feel stagnant. Even though I know it’s only temporary.