Author Archives: lilypup

Grinding it through December


So today I notice is November 30th. Here comes Christmas!

I went to my bipolar support group yesterday. I came out of there a little depressed. I just feel like my life is so empty and that all I do is try to hold myself together one day at a time. If I make a commitment, I’m not positive I can keep it. I feel like a very sick, fragile person who is afraid to drive and worries too much about health.

I have tried so many things to get better. Things sometimes work for a while. And my husband and doctor think I am doing fine. But there is little MEANING in my life. I am spiritual and do pray for help along those lines, but no response. I’m not sure where to go from here. I see my good therapist on Friday…maybe she can help.

I have two things planned today: a breakfast out with a friend for her birthday, and a small hike with my husband. That will probably do it for me.


Today went downhill fast. I developed a headache and rescheduled that breakfast with a friend. I am on the couch doing some crying. I found another new CBT therapist to try. I called her and hope she will call me back. I am just absolutely worn out. I think I am definitely suffering from some depression, because my life is not really that empty. I just feel restless, bored, and depressed. Can you feel all of that at the same time?


Just have to see the dreaded CBT therapist at 3pm. Plan on just resting and messing around the house until then.

I don’t feel like I am making good progress with this therapist. I am going to tell her I will call her for an appointment and then just not call. I know it’s pretty passive aggressive but am not sure what else to do. I don’t want to get in any discussion with her. She is a true “know-it-all” which is annoying. I have been seeing her since April, which I feel is a pretty decent amount of time to see if it clicks.


Went to the old CBT therapist and sobbed the entire time. I am seriously depressed. I feel like I might start seeing or hearing things soon. Then it is hospital time. But I will do a lot to stay out of the hospital. Called psychiatrist…he increased Welbutrin.

Heard from the new CBT therapist and got an appointment with her for Monday. I have mixed feelings about it as I am so depressed it is hard to think of my driving and health anxiety.

Just feeling real tired today. Hopefully, I won’t cry.


Had a positive turnaround. Started feeling better in the morning and messed around the house. Got a shower about noon and then actually made it to a birthday party for a friend. I told my husband we could not stay late and that I would need to probably leave a little early. We were the first to leave, but I WENT! I didn’t cancel and I didn’t send my husband alone. That’s pretty good!

Today I have to wrap gifts for our Christmas Angels. We bought gifts (clothes, toys, and shoes) for two little girls who live at our local homeless shelter. The wrapped gifts are due on Sunday, so I have to get busy. I’m not the world’s best wrapper with my shaky hands, but I bet these kids won’t care.

Tonight is my husband’s big work Christmas party. This thing is a marathon. First off, it is about an hour’s drive away. Then they have cocktail time and a gift exchange. Then the owner gives a speech. We have a nice dinner and then see the show. (It’s a dinner theater.) Then of course another hour home.

I feel good right this second and am planning on going. I hope I don’t crash today. This is sort of an important event.


Woke up in good spirits. I made it to the lengthy work party last night and did a really great job. One of the presents we took was picked first due to the gorgeous wrapping!

The food was great at this thing and I ate way too much. But it was okay. The play they did was very professional although I got incredibly tired. I even drove my husband and myself home around midnight and it was quite a distance. I’m still not comfortable driving at night, but at least I am doing it.

I ditched church this morning and sent my husband to drop off the Christmas Angel gifts. He and my middle son are going to the football game today.

Tomorrow morning I see the new CBT therapist. At least I feel a little stable right now. It’s a good time to meet her and see if she will work out.

I can’t believe I was feeling so bad two days ago and now have gone to two parties (and done well) in two days. I find it hard to believe it was a simple Welbutrin increase. It’s just so weird and frustrating.

I have some goals for tomorrow. I need to see that new therapist, get my nails done, and start wrapping gifts. If I get my life together, I should go to yoga. I have to make a list of what I have for each person and see if I need to fill in anywhere.

Today I just need to get a shower.


Had a great day yesterday afternoon. Got most of my gifts wrapped….what a relief!

I have feeling very good…not high or perfect….but really good. It’s weird, but I will take it.

I have sort of a low week…not too busy.

Am going to get dressed and go to new CBT therapist. Let’s see how that goes.


Really like the new therapist. Am definitely going to change. Got my nails done. Really great day so far.


Having another really good day. Able to get out, do shopping, and eat out. I attribute this to the extra Welbutrin. Hope that this lasts. I pray every day: “no depression, just for today.”

love to all,



Commercial Holiday Time


Gee, the stores are opening earlier and earlier around here. I still am hanging on to my motto of doing most shopping online.

Today is the day before Thanksgiving. I have the table set with the tablecloth and little made up centerpiece I did. I plan on getting my daughter to set the china and all on that.

We are just having a big turkey breast and not a turkey for dinner. There are only the five of us and one of my girlfriends. She has bipolar and is on lithium, so she gets it. For all the side dishes, we ordered them from a nice restaurant near here. We got our pies and rolls from Costco and even some sweet rolls for the morning.

My husband wanted to use the china, so I am going to make him wash it while my girlfriend and I go for a walk.

Today is a low day. I don’t feel depressed, but am leaning on that Klonopin.

Got the mammogram back and it was fine. I can’t tell you how terrified I was over a routine test. It is out of hand. I need more help with the CBT.

So today I am not doing much but taking it easy.

So are you impressed with the gift wrap job on the above packages? My friend Arlene came and helped me with my shaky hands. They are for my husband’s Christmas work party. It’s kind of a competition to get people to pick your gifts first and I think the wrapping makes a difference. So I think we did a gorgeous job.


Well, it’s Thanksgiving and I’m awake pretty early. I found out that Danny has to work at the theater today so he will miss Thanksgiving dinner. It’s okay…he’s a vegetarian and likes to remind everyone of that fact, so we’ll be spared that joy. He’s working every day this weekend and I am thrilled. He’ll stay busy, get tired, and earn some money. Sounds good to me.

I am ready for dinner today, so I made a little list of things to do this morning: one load of laundry, the catbox!, some ironing, a shower, and listening to my audio book. I hope to putter around and get these little things done.

I feel better right this second than I have been feeling but that can change at any second. Ick!

Doubt I will run out to any Black Friday sales. Oops, that isn’t true. My friend who works at a department store asked me to come visit her for a few minutes. It’ll be good for me to get out. I’m more of a Cyber Monday type person.

Okay, well am going to rest a while and then start on my little chore list.


Well,  a couple of hours have passed and I am crying. Took another Klonopin and am trying to stay calm. Main pressure is to get a shower. Everything else is under control.

Stopped crying and got the shower. Husband is sure this is meds swinging around. I think it is also just the tough emotions of the holidays. Like many of you, my holidays were hellish. Lots of drunks and fighting. Even after thirty years of nice holidays, I still don’t like them. Some things you never forget.

We got everything heated up and I have to say the food was delicious. My husband washed dishes while my friend and I went for a walk. I didn’t sleep too well with my overfull stomach.

Black Fri:

Just don’t have much too much to shop for so plan on staying in. Husband is furiously organizing all the Christmas bins from the storage shed. It looks like we have two decent days, then some cold and rain. He wants to get it all set up before that starts.

If it were up to me…I might just skip the tree and do a few holiday items. But I still have three kids at home and friends coming over here and there and I need to get off my butt.


Feel better today but tired. I am always tired unless I am excited about something. But that doesn’t happen too often.

Did I tell you I called a new CBT therapist? I haven’t received a call back, but it is the holiday. Anyway, I am sick of my current one. I am still terrified of driving and riding, and of health issues. My current therapist basically tells me to exercise and gives me homework (papers) to fill out. I do all this faithfully, but don’t seem to get better. My current therapist is also unhelpful and snooty about the $18 we owe her after Medicare, even though I write her a check every time. So we will see.

My regular therapist is still very good and helpful so that is something.


I feel okay today…it’s only 6:30 so there’s plenty of time to change. I don’t feel happy or sad…more flat.

We got the tree up yesterday but not decorated. We also got the banisters decorated and some of the other stuff up. Today will be mostly the tree. I just don’t feel like doing any of this, but my husband says we have to. He is trying to limp along and keep everything going. It will all get done…I am trying not to worry. We have tomorrow to finish up and even next week if we get desperate.


Well, it’s ten till eleven and we have all of the Christmas boxes empty. My daughter decorated the den and it looks nice. We haven’t touched the tree other than it is set up. I figure maybe I can work on that today and tomorrow.

I should go to church tomorrow. I haven’t been in a while. It is the last Sunday for this guy who was very active at church. We got him a nice card and I know my husband would go alone. The way I feel right now I’m not going but maybe things will change. But who am I kidding? I need a shower in order to go.


So it’s Sunday and I made good progress yesterday. We got everything decorated, even the tree, which is the hard part. We still need to clean up some, but it is manageable.

It really helped to stop taking the Klonopin. I sort of woke up and was able to help. I also made dinner so I was pretty proud of myself. I got a shower so I am ready for church if I decide to go.

I am at that age where I am feeling like we need to “scale back” and do very simple Christmas decorations. But my husband says “no”, we are fine. We might just need to take it a little slower and not do it all in a couple of days.

I am scheduled to go see a movie with a friend tomorrow morning. I like doing that if I feel well as it is relaxing. I also want to go to yoga and go to my women’s group. That’s a lot for one day for me.

Update: DID make it to church, even though I have a headache. Danny took the opportunity this morning to be rude. He’s been doing so well, so I hope this is a blip. Just tired again today. Did get the living room cleaned up from decorating.


It’s only five but I am wide awake. Everyone was in a bad mood around here last night but everyone sort of made up so it worked out. Dinner was good and I did fine except for a mild headache.

Today I feel pretty decent. I’m going to  just focus right now on getting to that movie with my friend. We are going to see “Rules Don’t Apply” about Howard Hughes.

Have I told you that I use an app called “Moodtracker”? You should see mine: pink is a spike up and blue is a spike down. Mine is crazy colored with up and down. I’m not rapid cycling, but I am going up and down around baseline. I just keep praying (literally) for “no depression today”. Just baseline and slightly elevated is my goal.

Update: Made it to the movie and made it to yoga. Missed my women’s group. Too dark to drive alone and it was really cold.

many hugs-



What I Am Thankful For


I am thankful for my big house that holds my husband, my three kids, me, and six pets.

Today was a good day. I got up and did my weekly phone call with my support friend. I then took a thirty minute walk with my husband. I did nothing but rest until my bipolar support meeting at 3. I went to the meeting and then a friend and I went to have coffee and chat for an hour.

My friend does self-harm and doesn’t get out a lot. I was SO proud of us….we went to our support group and then had coffee and a cookie like any other “normal” people. It was great…a hopeful day!


I am thankful for my doctors and meds that keep me going and (mostly) keep me moving and out of the hospital.

I had a busy day today. Went to the psychiatrist and then went shopping. Really getting a handle on the Christmas thing. I feel really good…just normal not hypomanic. I got pretty tired after all that running around so I am now resting. Oh, and I made chicken parmesan in the crock pot this morning. It sure smells good! But I plan on sticking with that liquid diet. I feel happy, though, that I made dinner for everyone else. The crock pot is my friend. I can get up, load it, and forget about it. No matter how crappy the day, there is still dinner. Things are looking good. So two decent days in a row.


I am thankful for having enough (too much) to eat, and for having clean water to use.

Today should be an easy day. Just see the therapist and go to yoga. We also may start looking at some fireplace trim we need to paint. I feel pretty good today…no depression…I would say mildly elevated.

Therapy appointment turned out really well. Yoga was even better. Another pretty good day. Slight feeling of paranoia and feeling like I am doing something wrong. Have no idea where this is coming from.


I am thankful for warm blankets, and for my kids and husband, who understand and do not criticize, even on my bad days.

There’s not a lot to say this morning. I slept pretty well and need to go get my hair cut this morning. I am planning on resting after that, as we are going out for a birthday tonight. That’s about it…I feel normal.

Pdoc increased my Lamictal a few days ago. Could possibly be what is causing the upswing.


Started feeling depressed during hair cut. Came home and am feeling fairly low. Not sure why….seemed like everyone else in the salon was young and thin. I am not young or thin. Told my husband maybe I need a salon with more mature clients. But I do like the way this stylist does my hair.

I am starting to wear some winter clothes and am not very pleased. I have lost 20-25 pounds, but things still don’t look good on me. It’s as though my fat has sort of shifted or something. Decided to donate anything I tried on that was not flattering. I am not waiting for my shape to change. I’d rather have three tops/ sweaters I look good in than 20 tops that look like crap. Frustrating and really a stupid problem to make into a big deal.


I am thankful for my friends….they have stood by me through my depression.

I had a pretty good day today. I went out to garage sales with my husband and middle son. We didn’t find much but we had a great time. Then middle son and I went out for breakfast. I was slightly embarrassed because my hands were really shaky.

I came home and took a nice nap. Must have slept too long because I woke up with a slight headache.

I know I am getting old. We went out last night to celebrate a birthday and the restaurant food was pretty good. But the noise was TERRIBLE! It reminded me of the old disco clubs. Just deafening. Which is fine (IMO) if you are drinking and dancing, but not if you are sitting down, eating, and trying to talk at all.

Going to make a dump cake and some grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner. A little tired.

Only thing up for tomorrow is church. Will have to see how I feel.


I am thankful for the people in my life who have passed, but were such a blessing: my grandmother, my mother-in-law, my grandfathers, my stepfather.

I needed a shower last night and took one so I was ready for church, but woke up and decided to stay home and catch a football game. I feel GUILT, but not enough to get up and go. I think I will talk about guilt at my next therapy appointment.

I have my annual mammogram tomorrow and of course, have health anxiety about it. But I’ve had several “call backs” in the past where they use an ultrasound to double check, and I even had a biopsy a few years back. I got through all of that, so I can get through this. Ya gotta love health anxiety.

I feel pretty decent today…have a bit of anxiety about the holidays, but am trying to take it one day at a time. I also have reduced my expectations. Whatever happens is what happens. I’d like to suck just a bit of enjoyment out of this time of the year and be very grateful that we are all going to be together again this year. I know that things are changing with the kids, and soon there will likely be work conflicts, and children-in-laws.


I am thankful for my mental health right now. It’s not perfect, but I am surviving.

Had a panic attack last night about midnight. Just could not settle down and rest. Took some Klonopin. I have sort of a love/hate thing going with the Klonopin. I either take a lot (over the assigned dose) when I am struggling, or I take none at all when I feel decent. It all does average out well.

Had that mammogram this morning and of course, am nervous about the results. Fortunately, I don’t get nervous when they actually DO the mammogram….just when I am waiting for the results. Luckily, my group is fast….they let you know in 24-48 hours. It’s nice not to cry in front of medical personnel.

I’m frustrated with my CBT. I’m not sure it is really helping. I am still scared to drive and have so much health anxiety. My regular therapist helps a lot and I feel like my CBT therapist just sort of lectures me. I don’t know.


I am thankful for this great country I live in, even with all of its flaws.

Still waiting on mammogram results. Hope to find out today.

Hope you all have a nice holiday, no matter how you celebrate.






Oh, boy! I was up till about 2 am watching the election results. I finally gave up and just fell asleep. This morning I feel like I have a huge hangover (like most of the country).

I’m sitting here typing waiting on Hillary to give her farewell speech. Later, I plan on getting a good nap.

I feel better today emotionally. I don’t feel super, but I feel like I will survive.


Had a decent day yesterday. Not up to the level of a “normal” person, but it was okay. Got a massage and realized how much my lower back hurts. I am definitely going to yoga today as my teacher says she’s going to be working on lower backs for a while.

I took a walk yesterday afternoon and was so proud of myself. Anything like that is good. I also did three loads of clothes for Danny to help him out.

I have started working a little bit on Christmas. I usually struggle a bit with gifts. I really like to order stuff online. They always have the size you need and everything is not all picked over. Not to mention the driving and the crowds, etc. This morning I got out two catalogs that looked good and ordered some small things.

My daughter always gives me a detailed list, which frankly helps a ton. I have a few things in mind for Danny. My husband and middle son are always tough. BUT I did find a DVD series of National Parks for my husband. It sounds dull to me, but I know he will love it.

I have an appointment with my CBT therapist today. I have some things to work on. I have a lot of health anxiety and am always convinced I will get cancer or something. (Which I am figuring out is true…everyone dies from something!) I am 57 and a little young to get something, but not too young at all. So tomorrow my husband and I have an appointment for a “skin check” for our dermatologist to look over our moles. I had a small melanoma about 7 years ago, so I get a bit nervous over what he will find. On top of that, I am having my routine colonoscopy on Saturday. You gotta love the prep part! Anyway, I worry about what she will find there.

So my CBT work is supposed to help keep me calm. I also had a nice thing yesterday from my devotional (sorry if you don’t believe…ignore this part)…”you tend to project yourself mentally into the next day or year and visualize yourself coping badly in those times. This will not come to pass, because I am with you at ALL times.” That was helpful.

I have been known to panic and cry in doctor’s offices over sheer fear and stress. (Yes, I hate to admit this!)  I’d like to make it smoother this time.


I did make it to yoga yesterday and my lower back feels a lot better. I really like that yoga class…the teacher is so supportive and kind.

In a few minutes I have to go to the dermatologist for my skin check. I’m trying to think positive thoughts and just relaxing as much as I can. I am trying to stay in the moment and use the STOPP technique if I start thinking negative thoughts. Hopefully it will help. This health anxiety is just ridiculous.

Update: All was good at the dermatologist. Sigh of relief.


Up at the crack of dawn…getting ready to leave for my colonoscopy. The prep was certainly exciting. My insides are sure excited…everything is growling and making crazy noises. The good thing about this test is you only need it every five years. So if all goes well today, I won’t have this one to stress about for a while.


Got back and forth and done really fast. Doctor found five small polyps, which she removed. I don’t have to go back for five years.

I was pretty nervous but they were SUPER nice. I had called ahead and talked to the nurse and told her I had anxiety. There was a nurse there to literally hold my hand the whole time. I started crying some right before they put me to sleep, but I wasn’t sobbing just teary.

Now I just have to get through my mammogram and my well woman check and I am good for another year. Health anxiety is sure a tough one.

Rested for some of the day and then went over to nose around my neighbor’s house that is for sale. It looks pretty good. Hopefully, they’ll get a good price. I also did some more ordering Christmas gifts online. I am making progress.

I feel really good. I hate that…feeling in the pits one week and good the next. But I guess it is the nature of the disease. It’s just so hard to never be able to count on yourself. Or have other people count on you.

Next up: church tomorrow.


Ditched church…basically too lazy to go. I feel as good as I have felt in a while. Looking forward to going shopping with my daughter today. Not much happening. Should take a walk this afternoon.

Update: Feeling REALLY good! Uh-oh. Is this normal or hypomania? Went shopping but spent an appropriate amount of money for what I needed. Drove to store and back. Husband going to football game so I may be alone to watch it on TV. Middle son might come watch it with me.

I wish I always felt like I feel right now. Like I can get everything I wanted accomplished and go to the places I want. It must be the extra Rexulti and Welbutrin.


Still feeling good but not hypomanic. Woke up at four and decided I was just NOT going to get up that early. Took a Klonopin and slept hard till 8. Have some easy errands planned for the day and then women’s group tonight. Will have to drive in the dark to get there and back. Took a shower last night so am all clean for the day. Showers are coming much easier.


Had a rough night last night. Just swinging up and down. Have some more errands to do today. Husband says to put less pressure on myself. Maybe he is right. But then I am afraid I’d be a lifeless blob.

hope all is well with you-


Down in the Valley


It’s been like a bomb dropped on my chest. I just can barely move.

My doctor has gone to shortened hours as he is retiring and it is hard to get in touch with him. I may need to just eat it and find another doctor. I hate it but I need someone I can contact quickly when things go south.

I just don’t need life right now. I got my calendar out and cancelled everything I could for this next week. I just need to hibernate for a while.

I feel like a big failure. I am. I can’t even function on “disabled” mode. I am so angry that my meds have let me down. I don’t feel suicidal, thank god. I am hoping a quick med change will get me back in a few days.

Guilt and hopelessness.

I guess all of my CBT training has gone in the toilet. I just can’t pull it up.

My husband says this is a med issue. I sure hope so. I am taking a week to get together, then I will panic.


Today was tough but better. I got up and used some dry shampoo in my dirty hair. I then had my husband drive me over to get my nails done. So now my finger and toe nails look really decent. This helps a lot. The real shocker is that I put myself together and went to yoga. I was exhausted and had to stop here and there but I did it. I came home and promptly fell asleep. But I feel good that I got out and did it.

Tomorrow: some kind of walk (maybe just around the block) shower (gotta wash that hair), laundry, and a call to my therapist. I can do that.

I’m now taking 2.0 Rexulti/ day and an extra Welbutrin at 1 pm. Hopefully, this will help.


Got up at four for no reason. Wanted to go for a walk but having intestinal troubles. Needing to stick close to the bathroom. It’s the extra Rexulti…tough on the system.

So I plan on resting, getting a shower, and talking to my therapist. I could use to do some laundry, but that could wait till tomorrow.

I feel better and clearer mentally today. Just sort of weak. But you know, that yoga yesterday really helped. It seemed to give me a better sense of balance and a little more stamina. I am going to try to put my two yoga classes at the top of my priority list and not schedule other things during them.

No shower so far but I did laundry and did my call with my therapist. We both decided it was time to start LOOKING at least for a new psychiatrist. So I called a recommended one.

The secretary asked me a lot of questions before she would take me. “Have you ever wanted to hurt yourself?” “Have you ever been in the hospital for mental illness?” Gee, maybe I am weird but it seems like most people who need psychiatric help have been suicidal at one time or another. Not to mention being in the hospital. So this secretary told me she would call me back. She did and said I was accepted. So I have an intake appointment in December. I still plan on seeing my existing doctor until I like her and settle in.


Got up and took a short walk. So just need a shower for church tomorrow. It’s been like three days since I had a shower. Ack! But that’s all I need to do today. So I can just hang out and take it easy.

I feel better emotionally but not quite right. I think the additional medicine has helped, however.

I am a bit overwhelmed with the idea of Thanksgiving dinner. But I will just keep it simple…maybe even really nice paper plates. I am going to try to just keep it to our family and a close friend and I may just roast a turkey breast instead of a whole turkey. Simple…that’s the key. My kids aren’t fussy and neither is my husband.

Update: I got the shower for church tomorrow.

I also applied to volunteer at a hospice organization. There are all kinds of things to do, such as work at a thrift shop, read to people, etc. I don’t know if I’ll get picked or not but it is close to the house so I can drive without my husband. You can work as little as two hours a week and if you go on vacation you just tell them. At least I would be getting out of the house and helping other people. AND I could drive there myself.


Got up and did not want to go to church, but powered through it and went. I felt a bit virtuous and not so guilty. BIG news: I drove to church. I got on the freeway and got off. I was only on for one exit but so what? I did it.

They had the “Christmas Angel” tree up already at church. They use kids from the local homeless shelter. We got a nine and a seven year old. My daughter actually volunteered to go to Target and pick out the gifts if I give her the money. I think that’s a fair deal. I can’t believe the holidays are really here. Just one day at a time.

Nothing to do the rest of the day. Tomorrow is take a walk day and go to my women’s support group. I’m not exactly burning up the world, but I am surviving.


Woke up with a pretty sore back. Should get out and walk. Should go to my women’s support group at 3. But probably will do neither. Probably will clean the cat boxes and rest. It’s just not a day for ambition.

I still fear that I will just lie here and die on this couch.

Tomorrow is a busy day. I have a support call at 8, followed by a weigh-in at 10. Then we’re headed to the homeless shelter to drop stuff off. Finally, tomorrow is bipolar group at 3.

Tues: Election Day

My bipolar leader gave me a paper. It says that when one feels depression one feels a lot more than sadness. One feels nothing, sadness, self-loathing, anxiety, guilt (my favorite),hopelessness, and isolation.

I hope you are able to survive this election day. My husband is a news junkie, so I will get a full day of it.

love, lily


Gold Dust Woman


Well, did she make you cry?
Make you break down?
Shatter your illusions of love?
And is it over now?
Do you know how
To pick up the pieces and go home?


Well, the Stevie Nicks concert was a big hit. I’ve liked her for quite a while and saw her a few years ago with Rod Stewart. She was great…sang a lot of the old hits, but did some new songs too. She looks pretty good for 68.

I had a weird experience. I am overweight and definitely need to lose some. The arena we were at is a bit old, and the seats are pretty crammed in. But the woman who sat next to me was huge. I honestly don’t know how she squeezed herself into the seat. She must have been miserable. I know I was. I had to lean over into my husband’s lap in order to not pop out of my seat. It was just so bizarre. Reminded me of a plane.

I don’t know what the answer is. I am overweight myself, but I fit pretty loosely into seats. I just felt bad for her and really bad for me. She wasn’t the only hefty person there.

Anyway, Halloween is coming. I saw the candy bars sitting in our laundry room with a big sign on them saying “DON’T TOUCH!”. (That’s from my husband.)

I had a great day with my friend yesterday. We went out to a resort, did a yoga walk, she got a facial, we steamed, meditated, and had a super lunch. I got tired between that and the concert, but I did it all. Today is going to be a quiet day, with me just getting a few little things done.


Didn’t do a whole lot yesterday. Just messed around the house and took a nap.

Today I have to take Sophie in for a new bandage for her foot as she chewed the other one off. If she keeps it up it’s time for the cone!

I may go for free with my son to see a movie later. He can get two of us into the theater. If I’m not too tired and need a nap, I may do that. I also need to do laundry and make some phone calls. Doesn’t this sound like a fun day?

Tomorrow we are going up to a town and doing a train ride around the mountains. They are having sort of an Octoberfest thing and they have beer flights and a German lunch. We’re going with some friends…the same ones we travel with quite a bit. She talks your head off, but otherwise they are great companions.

I like to watch the news and keep up, but am really sick of politics. Would like to move on.

Afternoon update: DROVE out to breakfast and several errands including Costco. Also drove to vet. Plan on driving to movie. Husband and/or son will be in car but that is okay. Am doing much better on daytime driving. Went through some construction zones and did fine.


Big news! Went to see The Accountant yesterday with Danny. By the time we got out it was nearly dark. So I drove home in the dark pretty much. I did okay…was a little nervous but did it. So I drove all day yesterday and even a bit in the dark. A very successful driving day!


Kind of a crappy morning. Had a good time on the train ride yesterday, but got very scared riding home on the freeway in the dark. I was riding with a really good driver, but he was going 82 at times, which is just too fast for me. I listened to an anxiety app and then to some of my music to get through it.

I got home and Sophie the dog was chewing on her stitches. So we had to go to the cone of shame. She went bananas until I wrapped her in a blanket and held her. She finally slept hard and I sat up with her to keep an eye on those stitches. So I am hung over this morning.

I had planned on getting a shower, getting my nails done, and going to a birthday party tonight. Instead I feel like crying. I am too tired to get a shower or get my nails done, and I’d have to drive back and forth to the party in the dark. I’m scared of that. I may just lie and say I have a headache which is terrible, but I am overwhelmed.

Update for today: I decided my nails could wait a couple of days. I got up and got a shower and picked out some clothes. I am just simply going to drive back and forth to this party. If I get scared and die, then I guess I do.


Well, I drove it during the dark and didn’t die. Sort of a miracle. I was nervous but not terrified. But I am definitely not getting on a freeway in the dark any time soon.

The party was really nice and I am glad I went. I could tell my friend was glad I was there. There was a TON of food and I ate too much for my diet. There was the biggest dark chocolate cake I have ever seen. (It was a 60th birthday.) I saw a couple of people I worked with before my breakdown. They just think I had physical medical problems and had to quit. No one asked anything about that. That was a relief. Most of the people I worked with have moved on to other jobs.

I ditched church this morning as I was up again with Sophie, the cone dog. I just worry she will get the string caught on something and she will choke. So I kind of half stay awake and watch her. There is football on TV at 10am and then tonight we are taking my brother-in-law out for his birthday. (He is also 60.) I am going to a movie in the morning with a friend and then getting my nails done. I’d also like to take a small walk for exercise. Then tomorrow night is Halloween. I have to admit it is fun to see all the kids, and even more fun to see my husband get so excited as to whether we’ll have enough candy. (We always do.)

I think I am really doing a lot and need to take some time to rest. But I do feel I am living a pretty “normal” life. It’s just exhausting. I wonder about meaning and if it isn’t just better to lie on the couch. I keep wanting to do some volunteer work, but just don’t have the ability to commit.

Mon: (Halloween)

Got quite a headache last night and feel sort of out of it this morning. No big plans for today…just a movie with a friend and getting my ratty nails done. Then a loud night of doorbells ringing, dogs barking, and kids squealing. I think I may steal a Milky Way bar as that is my favorite.

I am feeling a little depressed today. I just want to cling to my couch. But I am determined not to cancel and to get my commitments done.

I like my house when it is decorated for Christmas. This is a little crazy, but I may make up a bed on a couch in there so I can enjoy the tree and decorations more. Normally I rest in the den.

Update: Saw the movie with my friend. Did not get my nails done as the power was out at the salon. Came home and am feeling very weak and somewhat depressed. Plan on getting a shower and passing out some Halloween candy for a while. Considering raising my Rexulti from 1.5 to 2.0. Last time I did this my anxiety hit the roof. Maybe I am more used to it now. No idea.


Tough, tough day. Got the Halloween candy passed out fine. Slept fitfully due to the cone head dog needing to go out a couple of times. (She is getting the stitches out as we speak.) I’m not sleeping well and I know that’s not good.

What I SHOULD do today is get my nails done and go to my bipolar group. I’ll probably stay on the couch. Depression sucks.

hugs to you all-


The Sick Room



Well, I am on Day 5 or something of this cold. It’s pretty crappy. My throat is still killing me and I ache all over. It’s really one of those deals where you feel too sick to go to the doctor.

I thought I’d feel a lot better by now. Thank goodness I am not still working a regular job.

Today (if I can get to it), I plan on sitting down with my husband and going through all of our finances. I barely know how to get into our checking account. Now I doubt my husband would suddenly drop dead, but stranger things have happened. I don’t want to be an idiot and have no understanding of my money. I know my son would help me, but still…

I am still a little depressed over the fact that I realized yesterday I was hospitalized only 1 1/2 years ago. I thought it was a lot longer. No wonder I am still struggling to get better. Eighteen months is not much for me to come back from a break.

Today is just a day filled with frustration.


Was feeling so bad yesterday, I literally did nothing. Didn’t even write on here, which I pretty much do every day.

Today I am better than yesterday, but still not feeling good. I’d go to my doctor but am not sure exactly what she’d be able to do for me. It just seems like your normal, average really bad cold.

I’ve had to cancel some stuff and of course, that makes me feel guilty. However, I have tickets to a concert tomorrow night and I am definitely going. My husband said to just load up on the DayQuil and once I get there I will forget I am sick. That sounds like a good plan to me.

Got weighed yesterday and have lost 3 1/2 more pounds. I am making progress! I am hoping to lose about 2 1/2 every week until the end of the year. That puts me at a fantastic result! Even if I don’t make my goal of April, I hope to get it done by June, which is my birthday. But every pound that comes off is a victory.

Things are going a lot better with Danny. He has only had one “outburst” and it was very short. He also sent me a text apologizing right away. It’s like a miracle. He got two shifts at the theater again this week so we are happy with that.

Our little dog Sophie is doing well recovering from her foot surgery. She has not been chewing on the bandage at all. Which is a good thing…as we have a “cone of shame” to put on her head if she starts up. She is taking antibiotics and pain meds in pieces of hot dog. The other dogs are sort of wondering where their hot dog is.


Still not feeling well. Sent my husband to my appointment with my psychiatrist to get my refills on my meds. Only second time I have done that in like 26 years.

I am resting for a while and then getting a shower. I plan on going to that concert tonight.

I am pretty angry and tired of missing things because I am either depressed or physically sick. It’s just so frustrating. I seem to get angry at myself a lot lately. It’s like I feel better mentally and see all these things I want to do. Then I schedule some of them and get too tired or sick. It’s a very frustrating cycle. I talked to my therapist about it and she said “one day at a time”….you do what you can that day and keep moving forward. Which, of course, is decent advice.

But it’s hard when you need to get up and get a shower and get dressed and go enthusiastically to a concert and you feel like crap and just want to stay home and rest.


Well, I made it to the concert. It was an amazing night!

First, this totally drunk girl and her mother sat down next to us. She was about 26. So she looks at me and says “you are REALLY beautiful!” Now I realize this gal was drunk off her butt, but it was still nice to hear. She asked me if people told me that often and I said “uh. no.” LOL.

More interesting: We had floor seats in the very back couple of rows. So we were back quite a ways from the main stage. Another person told us to get up during a certain song and move over a bit to a small stage in the darkness. We felt dumb but we did it. So we waited a bit and suddenly here comes the headliner walking to the back to do some songs on the smaller stage. We were right up front while he was playing. Suddenly (this is the unbelievable part) he reaches down and hands me a guitar pick! This sounds corny but my legs felt sort of weak and I couldn’t remember the words to the song we were all singing. My friend got a picture of it so I know it happened.

What a night! And I felt totally normal….just like any person going to a concert. It was a victory for sure.


Still feeling a little worn out from the cold but am definitely getting better. I am intentionally taking some time this week off “normal” activities as I have stuff I have to get to this week. Tomorrow I am taking a friend out for the day. Then tomorrow night I am going to another concert (Stevie Nicks). Wednesday and Thursday are rest days and then I am spending the day going on a short train trip to see the fall foliage. On Saturday night I have a birthday party. Then on Sunday I should definitely go to church. So I am saving my energy to make the special things happening this week.

Danny did a really positive thing. He put off going camping with his friends so he could work on college work. I think that is a big step toward maturity.

My daughter met a really nice guy on Match. They had coffee. We are hoping he will ask her out again. But there are a million others if he doesn’t work out.

There are lots of changes happening to my psychiatric providers. My psychiatrist of 26 years is moving to the other side of town. He then will work a year and possibly retire. He may work out of his home. My great psychologist is moving to another building close by. I don’t like all of these changes. I just am not ready to let my psychiatrist go. I think I will stay with him to the bitter end.


Up at 6:30 to get ready for the day. Have a friend coming over to hang out, then tonight am going to the concert. Two concerts in one week must be a record for me. It sounds like a really fun time…I hope I can keep up and not get too tired.

talk to you all next week-



The Ghost Town


Yesterday I was proud of myself. Instead of just sitting at home, I went to my bipolar group and found some support. We had a nice crowd of people and it was a really good discussion. I didn’t drive but that was okay. I still feel sort of fragile.

I went with my daughter yesterday and saw Girl on the Train. I had read the book and so had my daughter. I thought it was a pretty good movie, but I thought it was sort of geared to women. I think my husband would have rolled his eyes.

I did well at not feeling paranoid during the movie. I didn’t have this feeling of dread that something bad was happening out in the world, while I was “locked” in a movie. A strange feeling and I assume means something is off with my meds.

I have a new job around the house. Cleaning the litter boxes! (We have two.) No one else wanted this job, so I volunteered. Frankly, I think it beats washing dishes.

Today we have to drop my daughter’s car off for some recall repairs. We thought we might have breakfast out. That’s it for me until yoga at 2. I sure hope I feel like going and can drag myself there. I saw myself in a store window the other day and noticed how slumped I looked. Yoga really does help with my posture.

And yes it’s early. Only 5:00. I hate this early morning wakening.


Well, my husband has some sort of cold thing, so we are sort of stuck in the house for the day. I was supposed to get weighed in at the diet doctor’s, but it is quite a bit away and of course, I don’t drive on the freeway. We also had some plans to go out for breakfast and go visit a friend of mine at her work…a department store. So now I guess my day will be not much…maybe going to yoga.

At least all of the cars are repaired and back. We juggle five cars around here and somebody’s always needs a repair, an oil change, or a recall notice fixed. Danny’s car is a 95!…it was my mother’s….so that poor thing always needs a repair. But we have a good cheap repair guy and he keeps it going. It’s a lot cheaper than a new car at this point.

Danny has been pretty polite and decently friendly since our visit to the therapist. He goes again on October 27th to see her alone. I see her alone tomorrow. I wonder if seeing an outside person sort of gave Danny a jolt of reality…in that I am not a bad mother to have. I CERTAINLY have my flaws but I do an awful lot for Danny and so does his dad.

I feel better today emotionally, but still have a sore back. I think yoga and walking would help this. I’m still just beyond lazy and seriously hopeless about exercise. It’s sad.


So I got up at four and already decided I wanted to waste the day. I have furiously trying to think of how I can get out of a couple of appointments.

My back is still awfully sore and my husband suggested the doctor. But in the past, they offer Vicodin and an expensive MRI and then the thing usually resolves itself. So I am determined to wait it out for a while. I can’t imagine taking Vicodin or some pain pill with my current psych meds.

We are supposed to go on a little day trip tomorrow. It will be everyone but Danny as he is likely working. Good news: he got TWO shifts this week. It had been so slow at the theater they are all getting just a couple and the new people were getting one. But I imagine some have quit…and the bigger new movies are coming out. It would be ideal if he’d work 3-4 shifts per week. That would give him plenty of cash and still some free time.

I am supposed to see my therapist today. I’m going to see if we can do a phone appointment. She’s usually pretty good about that.

My daughter and I have gone on a “no buy” binge till the first of the year. So  we can’t buy any clothes, shoes, or make-up. This is good for me as I am losing some weight and shouldn’t be buying clothes anyway right now. It’s good for her as it will help her pay her credit card off. So we’ll see how it goes.

I think I told you my daughter is on to see if she can meet a guy. Oh boy! She has four dates for coffee set up this week! Apparently there are more guys than girls on there. I really hope she meets some people. My daughter can be a little socially quiet. She’s the kind that has two or three good friends rather than a crowd. But they are getting married and having kids, so she’s a little lonesome. Plus, she works long hours and tends to come home and collapse.

I’m feeling good mentally but just worn out with the back thing. It’s an improvement over last week.


Well, the family is heading out for a road trip in the state. We are going to a little town that has ghost tours. We originally didn’t plan to take Danny, but now he is making noises like he wants to go. Sigh.

Anyway, I have a sore throat…I think I have caught my husband’s cold. Our house must be really dirty or something, because we pass colds around like crazy! Mostly they start with my daughter who teaches first grade and then move on from there.


We had a good time at the ghost town. It was absolutely jam packed with people! Some kind of motorcycle rally and then a festival of people who used to live there back in the day.

I did very well on the drive up…no fear. But on the way home in the dark, I got quite nervous. But I did not cry and I stayed calm on the outside. My son drove home and he was very careful to stay to the speed limit. I’ve figured out that it’s speed that scares me. I can go around mountain roads and be okay, or sit in a pile of traffic….but when people are going 75-80 miles an hour I get overwhelmed. I hate going around big trucks and I hate people that change lanes while speeding.

We had a really nice lunch at the town and then went on our ghost tour. It was really more a historical tour of the town. My husband loved the history and the kids were good sports about not chasing ghosts up and down hotel hallways.

I had a little harder time. My throat was really sore, my back hurt, there were a lot of bees around, (I am allergic), and I was just generally tired. But I was proud of myself. I hung in there and did the whole thing. We made a nice day of family memories and I was “normal”.

No church for me today. My throat is raw and my cold is worse.

Our little dachshund, Sophie, is going in for minor surgery tomorrow morning. She somehow injured a toenail and it grows out like a strange double nail. It grows so fast we can’t keep up with getting it trimmed. (It’s too thick and hard for us to do it.) So we are having it removed. Sophie gets so panicked at being away from home…I feel sorry for her. I know how she feels…I prefer home too.

So today looks like a day on the couch getting through this cold.


Yep, it’s four o’clock and I am up watching the news. I woke up a little while ago really choking and having sort of a hard time breathing. So I’m sitting up typing and drinking a ton of fluid. This cold is nasty! Good news however, all we have to do today is get the dog down to the vet and back for her toe surgery. I’m sure we can do that.


Wow! Slept in till six! Pretty good. Sophie came through her toe surgery well, but had to wear the “cone of shame” so she would not chew her foot. It was great entertainment watching her try to get it off.

My throat is downright raw from this cold. Glad I rearranged my schedule so I can rest today.

Much better this week than last.

hugs, lily


The Slide



So I am up early today and feeling sort of weak. I am bound and determined to go to a movie with a friend in a few hours.

I feel like I am sliding backwards. I am off my diet and off any exercise program I was on. I’m not even sewing. I have been really upset with Danny and also with my husband. I feel like he is taking Danny’s side about it all. Danny has a way of being rude when his dad is not around. It’s all irritating. I am just tired.

Not much happening today which is good. I just feel like a Klonopin and a soft bed.


Not much better so far. It is Thursday at 4 am and I am awake and stressed. I plan on a Klonopin and a nap today. First though, I plan on slowly working through my written routine to get back on track. I’ll do what I can. I just feel so out of sorts.

Having trouble with my supplemental insurance paying its part of my therapy. It’s only about $19 a session (two sessions a month) we are missing, but my therapist got a little testy about it. I told her we would just pay her and get the money ourselves from the insurance. My husband talked to them on the phone and cleared it up. But I wasn’t crazy about my therapist’s attitude. (This is the CBT one). I should CBT my thoughts about her.

My husband will be at a work meeting all day so I will be alone. I hope to rest and listen to my audiobook. No big plans. I have a girlfriend coming in Saturday for the weekend. I love her and she is just the nicest person. She always has a way of making you feel good. But I’ve got to get a few things done around the house before she comes.


Another tough day to get going. Just can’t seem to get into my routine. Feel very fragile.

Am going with Danny this afternoon to see my talk therapist. I already got my shower so that is good. Plan to just rest tonight. Feel awfully weak.


A little weak today again. Went with Danny to the therapist yesterday. We talked all together for a while, then she asked to just speak with him. He was very positive about it and even made another appointment for a few weeks out! I considered that a victory.

I’m still struggling to get on my feet exactly. I’m not sure what is wrong. It just seems I get knocked down and really struggle more and more to get up. I just want a Klonopin and a nap, but I know I can’t do that every four hours. (I’d never get up!)

My friend is coming to see me either tonight or tomorrow morning. We have some fun things planned. I hope it all works out but I am just so tired.

I’m starting to think I AM depressed.

Mon morning:

It’s only 5:30am and I’ve been awake for a while with some back pain.

My friend came yesterday and we had a great time together. We did a stretch class, got a massage, hung out by the pool, and had a nice lunch. She is so easy to be with. And I just admire her. She has a simple, but very busy life.

After she left, I was just exhausted. I fell asleep pretty hard.

Today is not a big deal. Am going to a cosmetics store with my daughter and then having lunch.

Tomorrow we are planning on going to the ZOO! I hope it works out. We have one car that is sick and needs to go in to the shop. Hopefully we can still make our plans. However, it is awfully hot still. We may wait till the holidays to go. It’s pricey and I’d like to stay most of the day.

Update for Monday: Did make the shopping and the lunch, but am totally paranoid. Not about people around me, but about the feeling that “I am doing something wrong”. I’ve had this feeling before. I don’t see the pdoc till the 22nd, but I called him to see if I could get in early. I’m sure they’ll put me on a cancellation list.

I am just worn out.


No zoo today…we’ve moved it to the holidays. Just too hot right now to stay  out all day.

Feeling a bit stronger today but still would be happy to just give up and lie down. Planning on going to a movie with daughter and then to my bipolar support group.

Just a frail week. Hope to be stronger next week.









Manic Friday


Had a good morning and a good night’s sleep. Doing well there. Watched a really good documentary last night on Hillary Clinton/ Donald Trump and their younger lives. I try not to discuss politics on the blog, but I find this whole election interesting. I’m just not sure either candidate is my cup of tea…but I guess you have to vote for someone. I am a big believer in voting.

Yesterday I went to my bipolar support group and there were 21 people there! We were all crammed in the room around a fairly big set of tables, and there were a couple of people even sitting behind the group. I don’t know if our group has a good reputation or if bipolar is going around.

I am selfish, but I don’t like the group that big. I welcome new people and want to support them, but 21 is just sort of crowded emotionally. Too many problems to handle. The meeting was well run, however, and almost everyone got to talk.

Some big news yesterday: I drove alone back and forth to get a massage, drove to get a flu shot with husband in the car and drove alone to the support group. This is really big for me. I have made a bit of a commitment to drive everywhere I can, skipping the freeway and driving at night for right now. I have been going off and on to the support group for about three years and this is the first time I can remember driving.

Today I basically am just going to try to go to yoga. Obviously I am ready for a bit more in my life.

I am losing heart on my quilt. It is just so big. I thought I could finish it by Christmas but even though I started in July, I doubt I can get it done.


My daughter (who teaches school) proclaims that Thursday is the worst day of the week. We can’t figure that one out.

I get weighed today and then HOPEFULLY make it to yoga.

I didn’t go to yoga yesterday and I’m not sure why. It’s at 2pm and it is just so easy to crawl on the couch and take a nap. Once I get there, however, I enjoy it. Plus, it is part of my fitness plan and I need to be honest with myself. Speaking of which….

My weigh-in will be a disaster this week. I not only will not hit my goal but I think I gained. I just had a food fest this week. There is nothing to do but just hit it again this week. I am changing my shake schedule to 9, noon, 2,4,6. I get so hungry between noon and six. That is my bad time. I see the diet doctor next week and plan to tell him that I am just damned hungry. The literature he gave me at the beginning said I should not be starving. It said “white-knuckling” it does not work. I agree.

I know how to (and have done it many times) order when I go out. I also know how to eat at other people’s homes and parties. This will be good for anything coming up for the holidays.

I think I am making progress overall for the weight but I set some reasonable goals for my weight and am not hitting them right now. I am 57 and need some self-control. I definitely want to have my weight off by my birthday (June).

I do best when I am around other people and they can see what I am doing. I do my “cheating” when I am alone. Just not good. This secretive eating is probably what starts kids on eating disorders. Fortunately I am no kid.

I got into my fall clothes and tried to find a sweater to wear over a dress. I went through three before I found one that fit. The other two were too big. That’s a good sign.

Here’s hoping I make it to yoga today, but am not holding out hope.

On the good news front, I am sleeping well and getting up in a fairly cheerful mood. No depression. I’ve not cancelled stuff, and I am getting errands and chores done. AND I am driving a lot more.


Uh-oh! I  woke up singing and hopping around. Definitely hypomanic. Which is not a bad thing. But an unusual thing.

I was really bad and skipped my weigh-in yesterday. I just couldn’t face it. So I am going to do my best this week and weigh myself daily at home. I had a good day yesterday on the diet.

I did not walk this morning. Too lazy. Going to hell for sure. At least this is the last day of September and I can make a fresh start in October.

I am going to see my talk therapist today. We’re definitely going to cover my diet and exercise problems. I also have to do some phone calling and have another appointment.

I got my quilt picked up from the floor. It’s all neatly stacked in the right order. I decided to just let it sit till I’m in the mood to sew. It won’t get done for this Christmas but that’s okay.

Tomorrow we are going bowling! Don’t know how I’ll do…I am really bad. But it is fun.


Cancelled bowling for tomorrow as daughter has that really bad cold. Did drive alone to an errand and to the therapist’s office. Had a good appointment with her…she always has lots of good ideas.


Took a walk last night so that was good. Beautiful morning here and I am feeling good. Mildly elevated. We went to some garage sales and bought NOTHING! First time I can remember that happening.

I need a shower today for church tomorrow. Other then that, a quiet day.

My daughter is on Match and is currently corresponding with about five guys. Two of them have asked her for coffee, but she is too sick right now.

She’s been out with three guys, but none of them were the right fit, although she is still texting with one of them. But she did like them all…they weren’t weird or anything, so that was good. I’ve been helping her look over the profiles. Some of these guys need desperate help in how to write a profile and how to select a picture! One guy’s picture was of him in a snowstorm standing about 40 feet away. Crazy.


It’s raining here! Sort of unusual and makes it a neat day. Made it to church and am settling in for our local pro football game. I sure hope they are better this week. Have a slight headache. Stayed on the diet pretty well and lost a pound according to my home scale. Need to stay on it today.

Mon and Tues:

Very tough days. I feel weak and sick. Have been very angry with Danny and his continued verbal abuse and rudeness to me. I feel so bad I have cancelled my things for yesterday and today and am just resting.

I desperately wish there was somewhere else for him to live, but the dorm is just so expensive and all of his friends live at home too. Surprisingly, he has agreed to go see my therapist with me. We will see if he follows through.

I truly believe he has an anger problem/ depression and could benefit from some meds. But he is totally against meds and I doubt that will happen.

Struggling here: