Author Archives: lilypup

Life is Decent

valentine-flowers

Well, I hope you all like flowers! I thought these were nice.

So it is Tuesday morning and I have been up since four. My sleep is suffering with all this stress with the kids. I’ve been doing some stuff on my phone and resting on and off so I am doing okay. In about half an hour, I’ll talk to my support friend on the phone. She is sort of a prayer partner.

I did some good stuff yesterday. I got a pot roast in the slow cooker, went out and had breakfast with a friend, went to yoga and then drove on to my women’s group. I am still VERY nervous even driving short distances, which frustrates me. The therapist says it will get better as I go…I just need to practice. Well, I am trying.

My daughter is making noises like she may want to go back to work in a week or so. She doesn’t WANT to go back, but this leave she is on does not include insurance or pay, so she has no money and is actually dependent on us for it. I do think she can make it back and finish out the year. She needs to see her therapist frequently, even when she feels good. She needs all the coping skills she can get.

Wed:

Nothing planned for today except a shower which is good as I was up from 1-4 am. My sleep is really getting thrown off with all this stress.

I’ve been having stomach trouble with some pain so I missed my bipolar group yesterday. I was sad about that. They understand.

Daughter is off with husband to see her psychiatrist. My daughter usually lets him go in with her. I think it’s good as she has a second “ear” and also an advocate.

Danny has been doing okay for the last few days. I am going to give him a few more days and then talk to him again about taking the Lexapro.

There was a mix up with my insurance and they won’t let me have my Klonopin for this month. It is a long story but they say they gave me two months last month. This is really dumb, because they never do that. It’s ONE month at a time. Plus, if they had given me two months worth, I’d have quite a few left. Nope, somehow something got mixed up. So I will be limping along with the Klonopin I have left. I guess it’s a good way to wean off.

I feel tired and depressed. There was a show  in town I actually wanted to go see, but the tickets were all sold out. Sort of a bummer. I’d like to go to a couple more plays and concerts.

Tomorrow I have my CBT therapist, followed by lunch with my best high school friend, plus yoga. I hope my stomach pain stops and I can get to this stuff. It will be good for me to get out and get around.

Thurs:

Woke up too early but am doing okay. Have to get ready in a while to go see the therapist.

Sometimes I feel like I am just getting overwhelmed with anxiety. I am so afraid to drive very far and I just “fret” over everything. I don’t have an official diagnosis relating to anxiety, but I swear something is going on. This is relatively new for me….I think I have had depression/ bipolar almost all of my life, but this anxiety just came on gradually in the last three years or so. Not to whine, but it’s not as though I don’t have enough to cope with.

I am supposed to meet a friend for lunch and I have been sitting here thinking about canceling. No big reason, I just feel mildly depressed. She’s always perfectly turned out and looks great. Her personal life isn’t perfect…she’s my age and married to a guy who is 84. I’m all for an age difference, but it’s a lot. Plus, her kids have problems just like mine. I’m sure overall things aren’t wonderful every day for her but she sure looks good.

Then there’s yoga this afternoon. I like yoga and feel better after I go, but I just have this low level “I don’t feel like going thing.” I get exhausted.

On the good news front, I did take a walk last night. This is a big one for me.

My husband just sent me a text (he is upstairs) about the new Fifty Shades of Gray movie. He says we should be upset because it stinks as only 13% of critics liked it. Ha! I did read the books. I want to keep up with the movies, even though the premise is fairly ridiculous. The whole thing is funny.

Fri:

Did cancel lunch with friend and did not go to yoga. Too depressed and I cried at CBT therapist.

Today I see my old psychiatrist. He has moved WAY to the other side of town. I am seeing his friend, Dr. R who lives over here also. I would totally switch to Dr. R as I like her but I am on two disabilities. I have SSDI and also private disability insurance. Both of these require occasional updates and I just don’t know Dr. R that well. I don’t have a history with her. So we are limping along to have my old psychiatrist fill out this kind of paperwork.

Plan on going to garage sales and hanging some pictures tomorrow. May go to nursery to see about some new plants for pots out front. Not much else going on today.

Danny has been in a good mood and so has daughter. However, she is still not interested in going back to work. She is making it to yoga, stretch class, and out to movies and coffee. She must be feeling better. I don’t want her to quit working and wind up like me. Not good.

Sat:

Got up and went to some garage sales with husband and stable middle son. We had a great time…I am feeling pretty good. I found some little things, but nothing too big. My husband is upstairs as I write this hanging pictures in our bedroom. I am downstairs sitting with the dogs so they don’t bark at the pounding.

I had an epiphany of sorts last night. I am trying to be realistic but I realized that I am really disabled. There’s just no way around it. I can barely handle day to day life and don’t think I could without my husband or some other helper. I certainly can’t hold down a job. Just doing the stuff I try to do like walking, yoga, and my various groups is beyond me. I miss a few things every week. It’s sort of sad but I don’t think I will ever be “normal”.

I have my days planned out and there is time for fun and other activities, but I miss a lot because I just don’t feel well. It’s either depression, tiredness from medication, or anxiety.

I keep trying though. I don’t give up. I don’t have tons of time left in my life and I want to live a little. Not a lot…but maybe a medium amount.

I will say, however, I am living a fuller life in some ways. When you are working (or when I was), I was so exhausted I’d come home and collapse on the couch. Now I have time to do things like see friends, go to bipolar group, and meditate. There is a lot more time for self care.

Sun:

I feel pretty good today. I am up and dressed for church. After church, we’ll stop to see my uncle in a nursing home, then later go to see a movie.

I had to get a size smaller in yoga pants. This is a good thing.

Got up at 4 and ate a bagel. Was absolutely starving.

Will see how today goes.

Mon:

Yesterday went well. Made it to church.

Some drama with daughter as my husband asked her when she was planning on going back to work. She didn’t want to hear that she had to pay her own bills.

I feel decent this morning…..sort of baseline. I need to get a weigh in at the diet doctor’s. Then I have yoga and women’s group. I am planning on making sort of a corn/chicken soup in the slow cooker.

I got a few very little Valentine surprises for my husband and kids. I was proud of myself for thinking ahead and being prepared.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

lily

Better

valentine-cookies

Tues:

So I am up fairly early as my husband is going in for a physical. He’s all grumpy about having to fast before his blood work.

I feel pretty good this morning. I am hoping to go and do some car shopping today, followed by a trip to my bipolar support group. This will probably all wear me out quite a bit.

My husband and I rolled up our sleeves, got brave, and went in Danny’s room yesterday to clean it out and organize it. (I had asked Danny yesterday morning if this was okay to do.) Oh, wow, it was quite a mess. It wasn’t “dirty”, just really messy with stuff everywhere and nothing that had a place. So we fixed it up, flipped the mattress, sorted and washed all the clothes, and organized all of the electronics.

My plan is to just breeze in there every couple of days and put stuff away that has gotten loose. I want to help him learn to put stuff back. I think it will help his depression to live in a neater environment. My other two kids have neat rooms. Danny’s has always been a mess, but I didn’t think that was too uncommon so I let it go. A “pick your battles” kind of thing. Anyway, I feel good about all of the work that we did. It looks great. He said he loved it and “was appreciative”. That is high praise from Danny.

You know I went back and read some blog entries from exactly a year ago. My daughter had had a meltdown and was staying home for a week! I can’t believe it repeated EXACTLY one year ago! So now we know this is a tough time of year for her apparently. I hope she goes back to work soon, but she is having none of it. Her doctor signed her off for four weeks of leave, but said she won’t need it. She said my daughter will feel better much sooner.

My daughter is cleaning the kitchen right now and is really slamming stuff around. My husband and I decided that if she is staying home, she can handle the dishes. She even cried a couple of minutes ago. I’m not sure if I feel sympathetic or not. I know dishes are crappy, but she can’t lay in her room all day either. I also guess if she has the energy to slam stuff around, that is a good sign.

Wed:

I feel good today! Went to see my new psychiatrist today and liked her again. She gave me more Rexulti, Lamictal, and Klonopin. I came home and really have nothing to do today. I should take a walk or go to yoga. I ordered a couple of cheap indoor/outdoor rugs to freshen up the house and patio.

Daughter seems to be feeling much better. Husband went in with her to the therapist yesterday and said he really likes this woman. She is no nonsense and plans to get my daughter back to work soon. We like that idea.

Thurs:

I feel good again today! I am almost scared to say this in case there is another crisis and I plunge into feeling like crap again.

I just got back from my CBT therapist. Talked about “helping” kids versus “enabling” kids. I need to just help more, but my enabling wasn’t too bad. It’s late in their lives to be learning these lessons, but I just parented the opposite of my mother. I had no attention or support, so I overdid it with my kids. Plus I have my husband to bounce things off of and he keeps things balanced.

Daughter is feeling a lot better. I attribute this to a few things: Seroquel, lithium, and a good therapist. I think her dad and I and her psychiatrist and therapist think she should get back to work, but I am not sure how she feels about it. I do think she will rapidly get bored sitting around the house.

Talked to Danny yesterday. He agreed to have the Lexapro script written tomorrow at the doctor. I told him he didn’t have to fill it or take it, just get the script. I also am giving him a notebook and some questions to ask her such as: what supplements could I take for depression? how much and what kind of exercise? what kinds of foods for a vegetarian? This might be enabling him but I don’t really care. He won’t write down anything unless I help him with the questions and he has a notebook to write in. There is no point in wasting anyone’s time.

Want to talk to my other therapist about my weight. I gained 1/2 pound in two weeks, which isn’t bad, but I should be losing. Of all the goals I have set for myself by August, this is the one I am falling down on the most.

Boy, we see a lot of psychiatrists and therapists! But I guess that is the price you pay for having severe bipolar, plus a daughter with bipolar, and a son with depression. At least we are trying to get help.

UPDATE:

Was proud of myself as I took my daughter and went to yoga. I feel a lot better- less anxious and stressed. Tonight we are having grilled ham and cheese sandwiches. Hopefully will be a calm night.

FRI:

Don’t feel really good or bad this morning….just sort of baseline. I am a little bit anxious about some things. We are driving today out of town to a gem and rock show. We’re staying the weekend and coming back Sunday. Of course, I am anxious about riding all that way in a car. My husband’s friend is coming too. He is very nice and supportive and pleasant to be around.

I’m also nervous about leaving my son and daughter at home. I don’t want either of them to have an emotional crisis while I am gone. My stable middle son has agreed to stay home all weekend and “babysit” them. I’ve asked him to take them out a bit and do a thing or two with them. He also is in control of my daughter’s Klonopin (her doctor said one of us should hold it for a while).

It’s a little lame to feel anxious about leaving the kids. First, anyone can text me at anytime. Second, they are adults and my daughter is feeling better. Finally, we are only 2 hours away and can come home quickly if needed.

I’m not crazy about gems and rocks so we have it set up like this. Today we will drive down and all go rock shopping. Late this afternoon we will check into our hotel. Tomorrow I will visit the hotel spa for a facial and massage and a round on the treadmill. I will also have room service lunch! Then Sunday we will check out and shop for more rocks and head home.

I went crazy yesterday eating. I saw my therapist yesterday and we agreed I’d write down anything I ate other than the diet shakes. For some reason, I went into a food frenzy. It doesn’t help that we have Girl Scout cookies everywhere! I plan to cut way back on the food today BUT with our travel to the gem show it will be hard. Eating out is very tough.

Sat:

Not a good day or situation. I canceled my trip to the gem show and just sent my husband ahead of me.

My son Danny announced that he wanted to get a gun for self-protection as some of his gigs are in bad areas of town. He is afraid someone will try to steal his electronic equipment. I told him NO guns in my house or in the car. I am terrified of guns. Plus, with this depression it is not a good mix. After much yelling and fighting, he agreed not to get a gun. I don’t know if I can believe him. I told him to always walk in groups to his car at night and he would be safe. I also said “Do you really want to shoot and possibly kill someone or be killed over some electronic equipment?” That is just crazy.

He also had supposedly been posting “dark” things on his Facebook. A friend of my husband’s told us this. But my daughter got on there and told us that all of the darker posts were a while ago and that lately he seemed enthused about his music and advertising for his shows. So I don’t know what to think.

He saw his psychiatrist yesterday and got a script written for Lexapro. This is a step forward. I called his therapist about all this  and she says she will meet him on the weekend or talk to him anytime. She says not to worry, she thinks most of this is just trying to hassle me. If we could just get him to somehow fill the script and take the Lexapro.

The anger from him is really setting me back…not to mention the rest of the family. We are considering moving him to a dorm for the rest of the semester. I can’t live like this.

UPDATE:

Danny spent the night at a friend’s after a late gig. He came home to shower and change for his next show. I avoided him by going upstairs…did not want to fight. He came up and said “I love you mom”, and gave me a hug. I told him I loved him too and to PLEASE think about the Lexapro for his anger. He made a face but said he would think about it. He went to his show and came back here and is fast asleep.

Hopefully, the gun talk was just talk, but it’s something more to worry about. I get so frustrated with getting my head above water and then feeling like the kids are sinking it again.

Mon:

It’s early here and I am already feeling pretty sad and tired. I need to go have breakfast with a girlfriend. It is her last day off work for a little while.

Later I should go to yoga and on to my women’s group. I don’t know if I will make it….I feel so down.

Very sad that this blog went from pretty happy to pretty sad. I resent the two kids that are causing the trouble. The third kid is a gem. He went yesterday to the store and got Super Bowl food and also a pot roast for tonight.

I just feel like crying.

My husband came home from the gem show all excited and happy. It was hard to be enthused about a couple of rocks.

hope you’re having a better week-

love, lily

 

Routines

Tues:

So I thought I might write a little about my routine(s) when I am feeling well, just in case anyone could benefit from some ideas.

I use a lot of apps on my phone to help me. Some of these cost a little money, but maybe you can find similar ones that are free. The overall one I use to keep on target is called “Balanced”. It lists all the things I want to do and how often. Then it rotates them through.

So every day (when I am feeling well) I do the following: make our bed, do a devotional (I use “Jesus Calling”), brush and floss, take meds, cleanse face, meditate for ten minutes (I use “Calm” and love it), clean the litter boxes if needed, drive/ ride in a car, think of three things I am thankful for, track my mood in an app called “Moodtracker”, drink some water, and write on this blog. It sounds like a lot, but I get into a routine and it works pretty well.

For exercise, I am supposed to walk three times a week and go to two yoga classes. (I am not getting this done…only about half.)

Every week I:go to bipolar group, go to women’s support group, call my support friend, plan an outing with a friend, use a facial mask or something like that, and go to church.

Every two weeks I see the diet doctor. I also see my two therapists and psychiatrist anywhere from once a week to once every three months, depending on need.

I am supposed to get a massage once a month. Don’t always do this.

I listen to an audio book three times a week. I am currently “reading” The Center Will Not Hold, a book about a woman with schizophrenia.

I also am supposed to have an “adventure” with my husband once a month. This could be a long hike,  an auction, a trip out of town, etc. It could even just be a date night.

Showering: I shower and wash my hair about every other day. Laundry once a week.

Friends: I have a list of friends and I rotate through them to do stuff or keep in touch. A couple are “text” friends, but most are in person friends. I try to contact or see everyone once a month. It sounds like a lot, but a contact might just be a “hi, how are you?” text.

This all probably sounds exhausting, but other than the exercise, I am holding on pretty well. I selected most of these activities because they are supposed to keep bipolar at bay and help you feel better. If any of you have read or heard of any other things to be doing, let me know! I’ll try to add it in. I know I should be doing something crafty, but I am sick of quilting and have no other craft talents.

Wed:

A quiet day. My daughter has been depressed and just got started on Seroquel. She was dizzy, so we all switched beds and I slept with her to keep her company. She had a good night.

It’s super cold here this morning and everyone is sleeping in late.

I don’t have a big day today…seeing a friend for lunch and an errand. It’s a good thing as Danny’s power steering is out and we’ve had to shuffle cars. I’m always at the bottom of the car pile.

We went out last night for dinner at a fairly expensive Mexican restaurant. The food and service were both horrible! Not sure how places like that stay in business.

I feel okay today…just a bit stressed. But what else is new? And I am hungry. I keep trying to stay on the liquid diet but it is hard. I need to focus. I did take a walk yesterday afternoon so that was good.

UPDATE:

So I think my husband has hit a wall. Between my bipolar, my daughter’s bipolar meltdown, and Danny’s depression, I think he is overwhelmed. I have only seen him this way once before. He just said this morning he was done dealing with it for now. I totally understand.

Thurs:

So my daughter is doing better in my opinion. She still says she feels really bad, which may be true, but she seems much more animated and chatty. She is going to take a week off of school and see if she can go back to work.

Saw my CBT therapist today. She is so good. She just helps with everything and keeps my mind organized. I drove my daughter’s car today, which was an unfamiliar car and therefore, a challenge. But I did it.

Husband is also better today. He bounces back fast.

Fri:

I am shaky as I write this. I drove this morning to breakfast with a friend and then on to a store and back home again. I did fine, but came home and started shaking.

I did go to yoga yesterday and am having a friend come over tomorrow to take a walk. I also have a phone call appointment with my “regular” therapist today. My husband is out of town for work, so I am left to my own devices.

My daughter is doing a bit better. Saw her doctor yesterday. She increased her lithium and decreased her Seroquel. She is resting quite a bit, which is fine. She is set to take a leave from work if needed, but she has a lot of sick time, etc. to also use. My CBT therapist and husband agree I really need to do a lot of self-care so I don’t crash when this crisis is over. I am staying on track as best I can.

This sounds lame, but I am not very pleased with my hair. I think the cut makes me look ugly. I think if I took more time with it, it could look decent. I also need to focus on losing weight. I look okay in the clothes I have and am not self-conscious, but I know I’d look and feel better if I got some more weight off.

Sat:

Woke up at 4 with a lot of stomach and intestinal pain. Am miserable. Took a Klonopin to see if it would relax everything. No luck so far.

So far am just working through my routine stuff and doing some laundry for Danny. Daughter just got up and seems to feel decent. Husband off to coin show. I envy him. He seems to feel good both mentally and physically just about every day.

Maybe today will be just a rest day for me. We have a meeting tomorrow after church service so we’ll be at church quite a while.

UPDATE:

Forgot my husband’s best friend (and his girlfriend) from out of state are here. I said I would go have dinner with them. I could cancel because of my tummy, but I am determined not to. I want to make my husband happy by going. I just took a shower so I will be ready for tonight’s dinner and also for church tomorrow.

Daughter does NOT want to go back to work. If you mention anything about work, she throws a fit and is rude. She has 12 weeks of paid leave with insurance, but this is only for this calendar year (2017). So I encouraged her to use it wisely since she could need more in the fall, etc.

The problem with her not working is pretty straightforward…money. We can afford to support her but we don’t want to. She has a car payment, phone bill, small credit card bill, and she is paying us $300/ month in rent. Fortunately she has no student loans or other debt.

Not only the money but what does she plan to do around here for her “off” time? She’s not exactly helpful around the house.

I think she must be feeling somewhat better. She went out yesterday with a girlfriend to happy hour (but did not drink because of her meds). Then later that night she went and had coffee with another friend. She seems more animated and is cleaning her room, etc.

She’s only been off work a week, so maybe I am overreacting. I just hope her meds totally kick in and she gets back to work soon.

Hey, good news! Danny is “considering” the Lexapro. We all keep gently reminding him and I think there is hope.

Sun:

Slept well and just had a bit of tummy pain. We have a really long day at church this morning. Service, then a meeting, then visiting my uncle at the nursing home. I talked to my husband early this morning and we agreed I’d stay home to keep my daughter company while he went to all this. She still gets upset and I hate to leave her alone too long.

You might remember my CBT therapist and I developed a scale of 0-10 driving activities. 0 is the easiest and 10 is the worst. I am working on level 3. I need to drive to bipolar group and therapist alone and back up out of parking. Also driving behind buses. (For some reason, I panic behind a bus when I have to get around it.)

Mon:

Assorted kid crises getting to me, but I am using CBT techniques and they are helping. Need to go to the diet doctor today and also to my women’s group.

Danny’s car is not doing too well. It has 160K miles on it. It was my mother’s car and was used when she bought it. Anyway, we think another few months and it will be kaput. So tomorrow we are going to look at new cars. Husband is looking for a small SUV. Then Danny gets the Prius. It makes me sad as we have had that Prius 8 years and it is in immaculate shape. I know he will just trash it up.

A negative of all this car trouble is that I won’t get my new counter tops for a while. We were basically all set to get them but now my husband won’t make two big purchases at once. So I’ll be sitting with the old ones for a while. The old ones are fine, but the new ones sure looked nice.

I am feeling decent today considering all the drama going on. I seriously think if we could get the kids under control I’d even feel mildly elevated. I need to keep working on that CBT.

love to all of you,

lily

The Disappearing Blog Entry

Sun:

So I got up to write in my blog today. The draft was totally gone! I have no idea what happened to it.

I have a hangover today from drinking too much wine at dinner last night. So I didn’t go to church. So now I feel like I have already failed at this week. It’s just not going the way it could.

I feel sort of overwhelmed and a bit down. But that’s probably the hangover.

We’ll have to see how the rest of the day goes. I plan to just survive.

Update:

Watched some football, argued with my kids, and rested. Took a Klonopin to get rid of some anxiety. Sent out a couple of texts to see if a few of my friends have time to get together.

I thought maybe some of my friends could see me by meeting me at my house or somewhere else and taking a walk. After we walk we could have some coffee or whatever. It might be better than always eating out.

My CBT therapist is working on exposure therapy for my driving/ riding anxiety. She had me make a 0-10 scale of how scared I was of various things. For example: Level 0 is driving around the block, in the neighborhood, and riding with husband on short trips. Level 10 is driving to another town outside of the metro area and riding on single lane freeways. My levels also involve various levels of parking, driving at night, and driving in the rain. I figure I am sort of on Level 3 or 4 in my list. But I go back and forth between levels. I need to keep practicing and moving up a level or so.

I mean, honestly, I really never have to drive to another town. I don’t need to ride on single lane freeways. So Level 10 is sort of unnecessary.

I am WAY too caught up in my kids’ lives. I feel anxious every time they have a problem and I feel like everything is my fault. Especially regarding my daughter who has bipolar and my youngest who has depression. I blame myself for their illnesses, but as a doctor reminded me….”hey, you got it from your parents, how could you have known your kids would get it?” I truly had no clue what was wrong with me when I had kids. And I’m not sure I would have figured out a lot of it was genetic. I am lucky that my middle son seems to be fine.

I don’t know what to think about the genetic thing. I can’t imagine my kids not existing, but I hate for them to have this and suffer. I just don’t know. And I do have hope that treatments and meds will get better and bipolar will be handled much better in the near future.

Mon:

I feel “funny” today. Just struggling to get going.

I found a couple of friends really willing to go out on Wednesday. One is a guy friend from high school. He and I have a tradition of eating a piece of pie and coffee when we get together. The other friend is one who I met at NAMI. She has MDD (major depressive disorder), so she totally understands how I feel.

I just have to get myself together to actually GO on Wednesday and not cancel.

If I can bitch and moan a bit, I am just so sick of being “sick”. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of trying so hard to do everything to get and keep my life together. I am tired of trying to lose weight. I am tired of trying to exercise. I am tired of trying to hold everyone else’s emotional life together in this family. I just want to take off and disappear.

Update:

I am feeling better. Got my nails done and tried to do some re-covering of a bench. Need different upholstery tacks.

Had a weird deal with WordPress today. They somehow charged me $30 for a “premium” blog. I don’t need a premium blog. So I messed around and canceled the $30. So that is good. But a lot of my format colors have changed. Don’t know what this all means but will figure it out. In the meantime, I am going with the flow.

Don’t have a huge day tomorrow. I have my support phone call with my friend. Then I need a shower. Then I want to do an errand or two. Then bipolar support group. Finally a dinner with my kids’ cousins who are from out of state. I guess when you write it out, it does sort of look like a lot.

Tues:

Up for my morning support call. Doing okay so far. Dog is snoring!

I switched my errands to another day. So I’ve basically got to get a shower, go to bipolar group, and then this family dinner. I can rest in there and survive.

Hope all of you are having a peaceful week.

lily

Anxiety Tune In

radio-tuning

I thought I would write this week about my experiences with anxiety and how it affects my daily life.

I am feeling much better overall. I am getting around and doing things. I am feeling “mildly elevated” but not hypomanic.

I am seeing a therapist for my anxiety. We are working on CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). My four basic anxieties areas are: 1) health/ doctor anxiety (routine screening tests, waiting for results, dealing with specialists 2) hunger/ weight anxiety 3) kids being healthy and happy (feel anxious in general about kids) 4) driving/ riding in the car anxiety.

So this week I will give you my daily activities based on my anxiety areas.

Tues:

Drove to a walking path area to walk 40 minutes. Drove home. So decent on the driving. So far have not eaten anything off my liquid diet, but it is only noon. No doctor issues right now. Dealing with kids: daughter still needs to meet a guy (she is 28), and still dealing with Danny. Danny has been cheerful the last couple of days. College has started for him and he seems interested in his first class anyway. He sees psychiatrist again on Thursday and therapist on Friday.

I am feeling much better in general. Am getting up and doing what I am supposed to do. Have a bit of confidence that I will wake up with no depression. I tire easily, but believe the stamina will come as I feel better and exercise a bit more. I am working on fixing up the bedroom. It is looking good.

Wed:

Woke up at 4 with serious headache. May just stay in bed today. Only things I will miss is yoga and getting my nails done. Those can wait.

Little anxiety today. DO need to get weighed in and get back on the diet. Eating much more than I should and am not “sitting” with hunger. I need to learn I will not die if I am hungry for an hour or so.

Had a good bipolar support meeting yesterday. Leader will be gone next week, so I am coming up with some discussion questions in case we run out of things to talk about.

Daughter is talking to a nice guy and Danny seems to feel good. Even though I have a headache, today is decent so far.

Update: Mutually cancelled lunch with a friend tomorrow. She is sick and I am afraid to drive to lunch. My husband cannot drive me as he has another activity. So my anxiety sort of affected this social meeting. We’ll reschedule when husband can ride with me while I drive.

Thurs:

Oh, wow! Another day down. Not depressed….just struggling to get going. A little anxious about Danny as he will be playing at a concert tonight and won’t be home till really late.

I plan on just not going anywhere today. Will skip yoga and try to get myself together. Tomorrow I “have” to get going. I have two therapist’s appointments and a date with a friend for happy hour. I am working on laundry today and plan on a few small chores.

No big anxiety today, except for Danny being out late and me eating too much and blowing my food plan.

Update:

Danny plans to take Uber both ways tonight so he can drink. Relief there. He also went to the psychiatrist again today and made another appointment for next week. He is mad at her, though, because she keeps “pushing” meds on him. He totally needs them.

Fri:

Just don’t know what to say about today. It worked out weird…I wound up seeing both therapists this morning. My CBT therapist told me to fight my depression harder and not lay down. My regular therapist told me I am doing an awful lot and that taking a break for a while was totally fine. I’m so exhausted I am taking a break. Bipolar can suck it all right out of you.

I feel less anxiety about Danny. He says he has no anxiety about college (for the first time). He is busy with his music group. He also saw the therapist today and he seemed happy to go see her.

I am starting to really want to go to my bipolar group, but not my women’s support group. I hate the driving and am tired at that time of the day. Don’t know what will happen there.

It’s 2:30 and I am down for the day. Not good but it’s what I can do.

Sat:

Slept pretty well last night. No depression, but still feel tired and overwhelmed. Main things to do today? Take a walk and get a shower for church tomorrow. I also need to make a menu and get a grocery list together for this week.

I think I need to stay “down” today and get some rest. Hopefully, I can hit things again next week.

I’m a little frustrated at how well I felt in the beginning of the week and how crappy I feel now.

Sun:

Feel sort of baseline today, but got my butt up and went to church. Then I stopped to see my uncle in a nursing home. Finished it off with a bit of shopping for some knick knack type things to freshen up the living room. The living room and our bedroom are definitely looking a lot better. I just keep thinking this is good in case I get “down” again.

Had some anxiety riding to church but not bad. Tomorrow is my women’s support group and I am going to try to force myself to drive there. It’s not very far and I can take mostly side streets.

Tomorrow I go in to get weighed. I know I have gained a few pounds over Christmas. However, my uncle commented that I looked like I had really lost weight, so that is good. Whatever I weigh, I will just start up again and hope to get some more off.

A friend texted me today and wanted to get together. I told her to try me next week as I was having a tough few days and just needed some time off from life. I figure this is better than cancelling on her later.

Mon:

Did not sleep well last night. Was awake from 11:30 to 4. Not good. I need to go to the diet doctor this morning. Plan on resting and possible going to women’s group later.

I am looking forward to inauguration day and the parade. I don’t know about the politics of this year, but I like historical events. We’ll see how it goes.

have a good week,

lily

The Zoo

img_0545

Tues:

Well, a minor victory today! We went to the zoo. The weather was cool, but not freezing and lots of the animals were out. It was a nice time. My favorite animals were the giraffe, leopard, and flamingos. I also really enjoyed riding the “safari train”.

The victory part was that I kept up. I walked along with everyone else and no one knew I had any problems. I did get tired, but just kept going. We were there three hours. Then we went to a restaurant and had a late lunch. I came home and promptly fell asleep. I did a good job. This was a good example of my goal for this year of having more “adventures”.

Tomorrow I am having breakfast with two friends. It’s really close, so I can drive there alone. The only other thing I have going is hopefully yoga at 2.

Wed:

Woke up at two and took a Klonopin to go back to sleep. Slept pretty fitfully. Was excited and very willing to go meet with two good friends from my teaching days. We sat and talked for two hours. I felt like I looked pretty good and held my own without getting too tired.

I’m a little shaky and nervous today and am not sure why. My husband is in a bad mood, which is unusual for him. He doesn’t yell or anything, he is just snippy. I also get sort of nervous with Danny around. I never know if he is going to blow up. He sees a new psychiatrist tomorrow morning and we will have to see how that goes.

I think I know what is wrong with my husband. He is really a clutterbug and since I have been sick, things have stacked up. I decided to refresh the bedroom a bit and this means his piles of books and his rock collection which has expanded in there will have to go somewhere else. He seriously thinks his stuff  is so important that it can go anywhere. He already has a full loft and bedroom, not to mention closets, full of rocks, comics, books, baseball cards, coins, stamps, you name it. Now that I feel better I want some space. He’s not crazy about that.

Planning to go to yoga in an hour or so. Need a shower tonight and that is it. Tomorrow have an appointment with my “regular” therapist (not the CBT one) and another yoga class. Not feeling depressed, just shaky, nervous, and wobbly.

Thurs:

Well, Danny and his dad just left to see the new psychiatrist. This is the same new one I see. She is the only one we could get him into fairly fast. We have another appointment for him in February with another doctor if this one doesn’t work out.

I am feeling better but not “happy”. I am feeling able to go to my activities and do stuff at home, but I feel a little overwhelmed. I am not depressed. I have found I can basically handle the day if I only look at THAT day and if I only look at a couple of things at one time. If I look ahead on the calendar, I just want to crawl on the couch.

I still don’t like walking on eggshells around Danny. I sure wish he had a friend with an extra room or somewhere else to live. But we have investigated everything and right now he is stuck here. He was seeing a therapist and that was really helping, but now he has stopped. I need to somehow get him to go back. But he is 22 and it’s hard to get him to do anything.

I have a lot to be grateful for, but I just look on the negative side. I do think of three things every day that I am thankful for, but I don’t know how else to be thankful.

Update:

Danny saw the new psychiatrist and liked her pretty well, but she wants him to go on Lexapro and he is against meds. My husband sat in on the whole session and said the doctor was very patient and understanding about the med issue. Danny is seeing her again next Thursday. Next Friday he is seeing the therapist. So we have him on track with doctors. He is definitely depressed and the doctor agrees, but does not think it is bipolar.

We all sort of hope he’ll somehow be convinced that he should give the meds a try. I worry night and day about him. I am so tired of it. I wish he would try the damn meds.

Fri:

Sort of a weird day. Don’t feel depressed but feel overwhelmed. Cancelled a date with a friend this afternoon. Also not doing a couple of small household chores. Back on the couch.

I did deal with a person this morning who came out to measure our counter tops. We are considering putting granite in. Ours are 20 years old, but in really good shape, but we’d sort of like a face lift. But man, it will be pricey.

Danny went to a concert last night and came in about 4am. So he will sleep all day. It gives me security to know he is safe and busy sleeping. But college starts Monday and we need to settle on a time to be in the house on school nights. His classes don’t start before 10:30 and he has nothing on Friday. I think that gives him plenty of time to go to concerts and be out late.

Sat:

Feeling in a decent mood so far. Plan on going to a movie with husband and daughter and then out to look for a couple of things to set around the living room and bedroom. I sort of purged some junk out of those rooms that I was sick of looking at. I got the new comforter for our room and it looks great.

Update:

Did go to movie, shopping, got a burger, and did a bit more shopping. Came home and slept hard for a couple of hours. Don’t have a lot of stamina. Plan on church tomorrow and then working in the bedroom a little bit.

Sun:

Did not go to church this morning. Felt like I could have gone, but made the CHOICE not to go. Just not in the mood. Got the bed made up with the new dust ruffle and comforter. Husband is really getting into fixing up bedroom a little. He is helping move stuff around and purging some of his stuff.

I packed up my sewing machine and quilting stuff to get it out of the bedroom. I can easily get it out again when (if) I feel like quilting. But I am ready to move on to a more active hobby.

Took a bunch of pictures at the zoo and plan to frame them in black and white and arrange them on the wall. This is about the extent of my ability to do any fancy decorating.

A note about showers: if you’ve been with me a long time, you’ll remember how tough it was for me to shower. Well, I am doing it now. I take a shower and wash my hair every other day. I just let my hair air dry to avoid the hassle of the blow dryer. This shower thing is definitely a victory.

I’m not saying things are great, but I think overall they are looking up. I’m not fooling myself…I know it is likely I will get depressed at some point, but at least I am getting stuff done while I can.

Still suffering from anxiety: About the safety of the kids, health anxiety, driving and riding in cars, and losing weight/ hunger. Working with a CBT therapist on this. Will probably write on anxiety next week.

Mon:

Had quite a night last night. Was having chest pain that wouldn’t go away about 8:00pm. Had some of this last week also. Decided to get it checked out at the ER. Felt a little “dumb” about it, but my dad died of a heart attack at 57, so you never know. They did two EKG’s, a bunch of blood work, and an x-ray. I have a stress test coming up in the next day or so. They couldn’t have been nicer. I think now it is all nothing, but honestly am glad I went in. But we were there till 2am, so am pretty worn out this morning.

Hope you have a good week! I am feeling pretty good emotionally- no depression.

lily

2017

new-year

So we are on the last blog of the year. It’s really hard to believe.

I’ve had worse years than 2016. No one I knew personally passed and I wasn’t in the hospital. I didn’t get myself in any trouble with manic behavior.

But I have to be honest. I didn’t exactly live life to the fullest. I did live life and I was good to people and they were good to me, but I didn’t make a huge difference in the world. I missed a lot of things I should not have missed. I was undependable when I should have been there. And I wasn’t faithful to taking care of myself.

I have hope that 2017 will be better. I have hope that I will get some more weight off and that I will keep exercising and even increase what I am doing. I have hope that all of my doctors will be able to keep me healthy and sane. I have hope that I will be able to be kind to others. I have great hope that I will have some new positive adventures.

But I am old enough to know that the years blur into each other and you just do what you can. Focusing on being a good enough mom, friend, wife, and person will have to do. Kindness is really the most important thing to me. The rest is fluff.

Wed:

A good day! Woke up and felt very positive. Plan on going to a movie this morning: “La La Land”. Going to do some errands then and give my aunt in Ohio a call. Should be plenty of time to get a little rest in there. No yoga this week…teacher is on vacation.

Update:

The movie was good but moved sort of slow in the beginning. Did do the errands and called my aunt. She’s doing fine. Feeling very normal and good today.

Hesitant to go on the lithium. It just sounds like more meds. I’d actually like to decrease my meds over this next year.

Thurs:

Feeling good today…no depression. Slight headache but nothing major. Absolutely NOTHING planned to do today. Looking forward to that.

Husband is going out for the day with two of his guy friends. They’re going to coin shops, rock shops, and probably Goodwill. They’ll have lunch in there somewhere. Just sort of a bum around day. My goal is to NOT call or text him when he is gone. I want to spend the whole day alone without needing to contact or bother him. If he contacts me, I’ll answer, but I want to live my life today without leaning on him. Let’s see if I can do it.

Fri:

Well, I did it yesterday. I didn’t call my husband once while he was gone. This was a great habit to break when he is out with his friends. I CAN be alone for a few hours and survive just fine.

Not much planned for today: a CBT therapist appointment at 4.

I feel good enough that I am embarking on a “freshening up” of our bedroom. New comforter and rugs and things for the walls. Lots of decluttering. I also want to change the fabric out on a bench by the bed. I used to do this stuff all the time…we will see how far I get.

New Year’s Eve:

Planning to grill steaks for dinner to celebrate. That and maybe a cheap bottle of champagne will be it.

Want to take a walk today, start taking down some Christmas stuff, and do a bit of ironing.

Irritated with Danny today (what else is new?).

No depression…just a slight headache.

Update:

Hit some hard depression in the evening. Did have steaks, mashed potatoes, and green beans for a nice dinner. Then we went for a walk with my daughter.

My boys are out driving to friends’ houses tonight and that makes me nervous with potential drunks on the road.

Got the ornaments down off the Christmas tree and put some stuff away. Hope to finish it all tomorrow. Need a shower to go to church tomorrow…not sure I will make it.

It’s only 6:45 pm here and I’m ready to go to sleep. No way will I make it till midnight.

New Year’s Day:

Had a few small victories. Even though I was feeling a little down, I took a walk last night. I sure didn’t feel like it, but I got a shower last night so I could go to church this morning. And even though it was pouring rain, we went to church. I came home and put a roast in the crock pot.

Today we’re going to work on getting all the decorations put away. My husband is really working on this, so maybe I can be lazy. I also need to iron a little.

I sure feel tired. I hope it’s not early depression. But hey, have been here before. I can make it.

Update:

Got a little worried about Danny as he didn’t show up till 4 pm. So it had been like 24 hours since we heard from him. His phone was dead, of course. Really irritating. I gave him a card to  put in his wallet with all of our numbers on it, so if his phone died he could borrow someone’s and call us.

Got the big majority of Christmas down. Need to work a bit tomorrow. Need to iron a little today.

Mon:

Well, today involves getting the giant ladder out and taking down the big tree and stuff from a  high shelf we decorate. Then we are DONE! Hooray!

I feeling a bit weird. Am not depressed but am not thrilled or ambitious. I wish I had a touch of “slightly elevated”.

No giant plans today. Plan some ham with brown sugar and veggies for dinner.

I woke up at 6, did my meditation, and went back to sleep. Thinking about taking a walk a bit later.

Tomorrow we are going to the zoo! I haven’t been in years. At a minimum, it will be some good exercise to walk around.

Update:

Got my feelings sort of hurt today. My daughter asked if I would be able to walk around at the zoo. She is right…I haven’t done a lot of walking and am a little weak, but it still hurt my feelings. I don’t think she meant to hurt me, I think she was being honest. But I figure they must have benches and I can always sit down and have the rest of the group meet me back at the bench in an hour or so. I’m only 57, but I figure they must have had seniors and special needs persons at the zoo before. I’m pretty sure I can manage.

May your 2017 be especially healthy!

lily

 

 

 

 

 

 

Noel

 

img_0536Tues:

It’s darned early here, but I woke up and thought I’d write. Today we are going to take Santa (a friend of ours from church) over to my daughter’s classroom to visit the kids. These kids are pretty rough. They bite, kick, hit, and cuss. They take their clothes off and urinate on the floor. Yes, this is a public school. My daughter’s room is the last stop for these kids until they are placed in a private, very expensive school setting. Since the school district hates to pay for that, my daughter has them. And they are only first graders. I’m hoping Santa will intimidate them a bit.

I’ve been frustrated with feeling lonely and not being able to drive yet. My husband wants to go play poker, go to auctions, and just get out more. I don’t blame him. We got the idea to find a companion for me. We found a friend and am paying her $10/ hour to sit with me or take me places. She needs the money and I need the help. Today she is taking me to my bipolar group. Maybe I can go shopping and more movies, etc. if I have someone to go with and who can drive without fear. We’ll see.

Wed:

The Santa visit went wonderfully! The kids were all fascinated and this guy was so gentle and kind to all of them. We had a funny experience on the way home…we decided to drive through McDonald’s for something to drink. When we got to the cashier, she starting screaming (yes, screaming!) and pointing at Santa. She wouldn’t take our money. Then when we got to the serving window, there were about ten employees crammed into it to look at Santa. It was pretty funny.

I went with my friend to my bipolar group yesterday. It was a good time.

Am feeling very baseline today…not up not down. Not much happening today. Have an appointment with “old” psychiatrist and then yoga if I decide to go. Tonight we are driving around the neighborhood and looking at the Christmas lights.

Danny also needs to call and get an appointment with his new psychiatrist. We’re going to sit with him as they told me they’ll ask him a bunch of insurance questions, etc. I don’t want him to get overwhelmed before he even sees the doctor.

Update:

Saw the “old” psychiatrist and he is putting me on a low dose of lithium. I have to have blood work and an EKG to start that. Went to yoga…it was great. Danny finally got his appointment with the psychiatrist for Feb 6th. This really turned out to be a decent day. Not feeling elevated at all, but not feeling bad.

Tomorrow I want to take a walk, then a shower, do a load of laundry, and then go to yoga again. Pretty simple day. Good to have a quiet day before the holiday hits.

Thurs/ Fri: All quiet on the western front. Feel okay, not good or bad. Did more laundry yesterday. More today. Have a telephone appointment with my therapist. Husband is taking Danny over to see our family doctor today. I really hope things can start moving in a positive direction.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I have to go food shopping and set the table for Christmas dinner. We are having ten people, which is sort of between small and a crowd. Then I’m making pancakes for dinner and going to church.

Today will be just a rest day…just doing some little things around the house.

Update:

Feeling pretty decent today. Got the last Christmas present in the mail and need to wrap it. Got out roasting pan, etc. and washed them up. Everything gets dusty when it sits in the pantry for a while.

Had a good conversation with my “good” therapist today. She has some ideas of things to work on in 2017. I really like that. We talked a lot about Danny and how he is doing. It was a productive session.

Christmas Eve:

Feel a little lonely this morning. Feel very emotional. Went to the grocery early and got teary hearing the Christmas songs. How ridiculous!

Have the table set, the food ready to cook tomorrow, and the presents all wrapped. Got a shower. Looks like we will be having rain this afternoon.

I try to make the holidays nice for my husband and kids. But I do get sad. Am going to send little texts to my friends wishing them a nice holiday. Then I’ll make pancakes for dinner and we will go to church. I’m sure I will cry at church so plan on taking plenty of tissues.

I sort of understand why I feel a little overwhelmed today and tomorrow and the following days. I have to shop, plan dinner, clean the house, set the table (fancy!), cook, do the dishes, and make sure the guests are having fun. In the morning we open all the gifts and I have to round up anything that needs to be returned and find the receipt and make plans to take it back. Then we have to clean up all the wrapping, etc. before the guests get here.

Once Christmas is over, I’ve got to get all of the decorations down and put away. The kids and my husband will help with everything, but they complain.

I know this complaining sounds selfish. I have a basically healthy family, plenty of money (not rich, but fine), and I don’t have to work. I am just being honest here. My mom used to tell me I was selfish and lazy and honestly, I think she was right.

Update:

Decided since it was Christmas Eve, I would smile and say extra nice things. No depression allowed. We even had drop-in relatives and the house looked great. Just need to make pancakes and get to church. So far I am staying positive.

Christmas Day/ Mon:

I did good. I made the pancakes, got to church (it was really nice), got the morning cinnamon rolls made, got the gifts open (nothing so far has needed to go back!), hosted dinner for 10, and got the kitchen cleaned up.

After we ate, I cleaned (with the help of my daughter) and the rest of them played guitar and board games. I took a nap.

I did not cry either at church or on Christmas Day. I was pretty proud of that.

Danny had a very tough Christmas. He just wasn’t in a good mood and acted a little rude. Not bad…he didn’t ruin anything and he was polite to the guests, but he was definitely off. He went to work at 4 and the rest of the family had a discussion last night about him. My older son says he felt exactly how Danny feels (depressed and angry) when he was Danny’s age. He is going to talk to Danny today. Danny is close to him, so I think he is the best bet to have some influence on Danny. Danny also has an appointment with a psychiatrist on Feb 6th, but he doesn’t want to take any meds. I am worried about him and it is affecting my mental health. He came home last night and was very polite. He fell into bed as he was pretty tired from work.

In my opinion, something is definitely wrong with Danny. I don’t know if he has straight depression, bipolar, or what, but there is something going on. My older son was on meds for three months. He doesn’t think they helped, but he says he came out of it mostly through time. My son also said pot does not help. He said it just made him paranoid and more depressed. So I don’t know. Hopefully, they will talk today and it will help.

It’s Monday morning and if it weren’t for Danny, I’d be doing okay. No depression, just worry. And I did make it through Christmas. That’s a victory right there.

I am looking forward to getting back into a routine with my therapists. I need the help.

Tues:

Woke up at 4! Watched TV.

Middle son talked to Danny yesterday. He reports that Danny is having depression from “knowing what to do with his life.” He thinks this is “normal” depression that a lot of kids have at Danny’s age. He agrees Danny should see a psychiatrist if we can get him to one. Danny may be resistant. Middle son says Danny is not thinking of self harm, so that is a relief.

So this week was a mixed bag, but we did get through Christmas. On to 2017!

hugs,

lily

 

 

Rinse and Repeat

star Wed:

So right when life for me gets kind of crappy, we get Danny’s college grades for the semester. They were a little mixed. He had one A, two B’s and two F’s. He told us he didn’t like the F classes so he didn’t go. (Danny is 22 for those of you who came to the party late.)

He also told me that life is very hard for him from the minute he opens his eyes until the minute he goes to sleep. I feel sorry for him. He just doesn’t know where his life is headed. We are paddling as fast as we can, but we can only do so much.

He worked late last night so we’ve all agreed to talk at noon today to see what the future holds. Danny might hate school, but what kind of a job is he going to find?

I am going to insist that if he does quit school, he gets a full time job and pays us some rent. He is not going to lounge around the house all day and go hang with his friends all night while we feed him and put gas in his car.

I think Danny has depression (and some anger problems), but he won’t take any meds. He doesn’t believe in ingesting artificial things…except pot…if pot is artificial.

I got up this morning and feel okay. I just have to wrap a few gifts and get a shower today. I think I can do that, even though taking a shower doesn’t sound too fun.

Update:

Okay, so we had a family meeting. Very calm, just a discussion. Danny wants to go back to school in the spring and only take four classes so he can keep up better. He will be seeing a therapist twice a month. I will find a new psychiatrist for him to see regarding depression. He still does not want to take any meds. He admits, however, that many of his friends have said he seems depressed. He is also going to start exercising with my husband. We’re doing the best we can here. I hope it is good enough.

Thurs:

Danny spent some time with his dad yesterday. They did some holiday shopping and got something to eat.

It’s weird with a 22 year old. They have their own friends and understandably want to spend a lot of time with them. They are working and maybe going to school. But I think they still need that family time to connect. We’re both going to try to spend more time with him.

He called a psychiatrist for an appointment yesterday and had to leave a message. I’ll give them three days. If they don’t call back, we’ll find someone else. I really hope someone can talk him into some meds….I don’t think he would need much to feel better.

So today I need to see the diet doctor. I’ve probably gained a couple of pounds but that’s okay. Then we are going to the candy store (yes, right after the diet doctor!) to get some candy for Christmas gifts. Next, it’s the bank and then the drugstore. Then maybe yoga.

I see MY new psychiatrist tomorrow. I’m pretty nervous. I just hope she knows what she is doing and will take an interest in my problems. But we live in a big city and there are plenty of other doctors if she doesn’t work out. I can also go back to my old one for a while even though he has moved WAY across town.

I feel pretty decent this morning. At least good enough to get dressed and get out of the house for some errands. This is an improvement. However, I’ve had the pattern of feeling good when I wake up and then going downhill. Hopefully today will be better.

Update:

Had a really good day. Was off the couch almost all day. Did errands, saw diet doctor, and went to yoga. Had not seen diet doctor in two months due to depression. I basically ate what I wanted during that time and I lost 1/2 pound. It’s good I maintained, but I want to hit the diet again.

I got an appointment for next week with our family doctor to see Danny. Danny really trusts him and I THINK Danny might take meds if this guy thinks it is best. Or this doc may refer him to a psychiatrist. We’re still trying to find one for him.

Fri:

Having a really good day. Went to meet the new psychiatrist for me (remember, mine is retiring). I like her. However, she was full of advice regarding vitamins and also counseled me on how wonderful the world is and when I am depressed I should think about that. Uh. But she seems handy enough, and her office is very close. Even with my driving anxiety, I can get to her office myself.

Went to get my sister-in-law’s Christmas present and gave my niece and nephews their money. Made a lot of progress.

Tomorrow have a calm day. Want to take a decent walk and a good shower so I am ready for church Sunday.

Sat:

Am up at 6:30 writing to you. Feeling good and normal today. No depression. It’s freezing outside, but I hope to take a walk when my husband gets up.

I woke early and was thinking about my illness. About how I must spend a great part of my life doing things to overcome it. How the first thing I think of in the morning is taking my meds. And about all the activities I do to help improve it…yoga, support groups, watching diet and weight, doctors, therapists, meditation, water, writing this blog, keeping a mood chart….well, you get the idea. So I felt a bit irritated. But then, of course, I thought of all the other people with chronic problems and the things they had to go through.

So I’m not sure what I think.

Today, just get a walk and shower, get to the dry cleaners, and clean the litter box. Woohoo!

Sun:

Yesterday was a good day. No depression. My husband did a lot of errands and I didn’t go with him. I just felt sort of lazy and wanted to hang around the house.

My daughter is dating a new guy and really likes him. That’s good news. She said he is a lot like her dad….so that is REALLY good! She’s 28, so it’s about time to get out and meet someone.

Danny went out of town overnight with some friends. He’s texted me a couple of times to say hi and share info. He was really looking forward to going and I think it cheered him up a great deal.

I feel good this morning. Just church, a visit to my husband’s uncle (in assisted living), and hanging out at home watching football. My husband is going to the game so it’ll be a long afternoon for me by myself.

But bottom line, I am feeling decent.

Update:

Everyone is out of the house so am a bit lonesome. Several more hours before anyone comes back. It’s frustrating cause I have plenty of friends I could have scheduled something with. But I just feel I am not dependable enough the way I have been cycling with several days up and then several days down. But (if I can wallow in self pity here) I think that is the price I pay for my bipolar.

Mon:

Woke up with a mild headache and a stuffy nose. Don’t think I am getting sick though.

We are having at least some company for Christmas dinner. My husband’s cousin and his wife. Plus my girlfriend. That is at least manageable.

I want to make chili and cornbread for Christmas Eve. Hope I can do it.

Today am still trying to get to the dry cleaners and then have women’s support group this afternoon. Probably need to start on a grocery list. Feel a bit tired, but not depressed. I am just praying hard that I can make it through Christmas without crying. That  would be nice.

Update:

Turned out to be a weak day. Stayed on the couch most of the time. Decided to switch to banana/ pecan pancakes for Christmas Eve. Just a tough day.

I won’t blog again till after the holiday, so hope you all have a peaceful one.

much love,

lily

 

A Taste of Normal

berries

I’m up at 6:30 writing away. I had a great adventure last night! We went to an auction! I haven’t been to one since I was a little girl in Ohio.

Anyway, it was about an hour away in heavy traffic. I got pretty nervous and popped some Klonopin while I was in the car.

We got there and the people were so nice and it was well organized. There were too many coins and guns for sale, but there was a rug, a picture, a little statue, and a clock I was interested in. We got the clock and the statue. It was a lot of fun to bid and see all the other people there. It did go on for a long time…we were there from 5-9 and things were still going when we left.

The ride home was much different. There was little traffic and I wasn’t nearly as scared, even though it was after dark.

My middle son took a vacation day yesterday so we did stuff together. We all went out for breakfast and then bummed around Target and some other stores. I took a rest then and we headed for the auction. It was a NORMAL day and I kept up just fine. Really, really nice.

Today is low key. I need to wrap more presents and go to yoga. I’ve got to get a shower tonight. That’s about it. I am very happy with the way I’ve been feeling.

Update:

Uh-oh. I think I might be getting hypomanic. I just feel VERY good. This might also be a “normal” feeling. I have been depressed so long am not sure what a regular mood is. Still attributing the improved mood to additional Welbutrin in the morning.

Was feeling so restless I took a Klonopin. Now I am feeling very good but not uncomfortable.

I wonder what it would be like to feel steady basically every day. Go off to work, come home, get some dinner together, and have a little social life.

Thurs:

Not sure I feel so hot today. I think I feel kind of sad/normal. Just want to rest and not do too much. Did take a walk last night. My goals today are: a shower, a load of laundry, and yoga. Exciting, huh?

Update:

Got the shower and the laundry done…skipped yoga. I took a walk last night but my exercise routine stinks. I need to get more serious about it. I have no excuse other than laziness. Am snuggled on the warm couch just resting.

Fri:

Had a rough night. Danny was out till four o’clock at a concert and brought a friend home with him to spend the night. The dogs went crazy and we were up and down with them quite a bit. I did get up and go to see my “good” therapist. We talked about a mish-mash of things.

I then went to look for a holiday centerpiece. Couldn’t find anything, so decided to just make my own casual arrangement by laying holiday stuff in sort of a pile and adding some fake candles. It’ll be good enough.

Came home, sat down and suddenly didn’t feel too good. Just felt shaky and sort of though as if things were closing in. My husband and middle son are going to a holiday poker party tonight and Danny will be going out. Hopefully, my daughter will be home. I don’t feel like sitting alone tonight. Even if she is up hanging around in her room, it helps.

Tomorrow I plan on taking a walk and wrapping a few gifts. Sunday I just plan on church and maybe another walk.

Sat morning:

Woke up and feel a little fragile. Got some potatoes in the crock pot to bake so we can have loaded baked potatoes for dinner.

Just plan on hanging out today and hopefully getting a walk in later. Not a big day. My aunt called last night and was thanking me for her Christmas food I sent. I sent her an assortment of organic jams and some stuffed frozen chicken breasts. I could tell she got a kick out of the whole thing. She said they’re having some of the the jam on toast this morning and two of the chicken breasts for dinner. It’s nice to do something for someone else and have them get excited.

Sun:

Really rough time last night. Got to crying and couldn’t stop. Don’t like to cry in front of my kids but I did.

Woke up this morning with a headache. Plan on resting today and trying to work on life tomorrow.

I see the new CBT therapist tomorrow and my new psychiatrist on Thursday. I hope someone can help me.

Mon:

Okay, I have decided to give life another shot today. Last night was okay….felt uncomfortable but no crying.

Today I am seeing the new CBT therapist. I feel pretty depressed so I hope she doesn’t overload me with stuff to do. I feel too wobbly to drive.

I am also having my women’s support group over for our meeting and cookies. There are only five of us, so not a huge crowd. I just have to clean up the den and kitchen a little bit. The rooms are “clean”, just messy.

I feel like I look like crap today. I probably do. Maybe I can find something cheerful in the closet.

Update:

I give up. I just give up. I feel so black today.

I went to see the new CBT therapist and cried some. I came home and crawled on the couch. I have to get up soon and clean the house for my friends. I am so worn out from depression. I wish I could talk to a depressed friend who truly understands, but I don’t want to bring anybody down.

Tues:

Feel a little better today but it’s only 7. Had my group over last night and cried to them. They were SUPER supportive and understanding. The meeting went well and we all had a nice time.

Today’ s goals: morning shower and bipolar support meeting.

Strength to all of you as you handle this crazy holiday season.

lily