Author Archives: learningtobebipolar

Failure

Does mental illness ever make you feel like you are just a failure at life? I often ponder this question. Especially when I know my mind isn’t working right but I can’t seem to fix it. For the first time in a year and a half since I started my meds I have really been struggling the last 2 or 3 weeks. Like enough to where I have found myself wondering if I am just completely losing it. The other thing that has hit me really hard is that I lived this way for somewhere around 20 years. I don’t honestly know how I managed to do anything much less keep job, take care of my kids, and stay married. I guess it’s just that I know better now and I can see a different way. I am frustrated because it’s like my meds just decided to completely quit working one day. I am still awaiting blood results and I’m hoping they will help to paint a picture of the problem. But geez Louise I hate it when it feels like I have to go backwards. I am exhausted from trying to keep it together and not go off on every person I come into contact with. On the bright side the new sleeping med my doc prescribed seems to be allowing me to get better sleep. For that I am grateful. 

Being a Christian is something that is important to me. And it’s very hard to separate trying to live like Christ from what is caused by my illness. And I don’t want to use this as an excuse to behave badly or to treat people the wrong way. I mean we are talking about a disease of the mind. It’s not like I can just cut it out and move on. I know nothing is that simple but when you can’t trust your thoughts It sure does make a lot of things difficult. And then I wonder just how much God is going to understand. I mean eventually you run out of excuses for the same thing. I sincerely hope that the fact that I get help and take my meds means He knows I am trying. That I want to be the best version of myself and that I want Him to get the glory. 

I truly don’t think like other people. I see things and look at the big picture in a different way. Most of the time it seems like no on can even grasp what I am saying much less understand it the way I do. I have had conversations in which I have to just abandon what I am saying because the person I’m talking to can’t even see what I am saying. It’s often a very lonely place. I have been told so many times that people just don’t understand and I should allow that to be ok. But it makes me tired. I get tired of being the employee that works hard and always shows up but I never really get much out of the deal. I’m tired of people acting like me being good is the greatest prize ever. When I’m thinking really what does that get me? A small raise, bosses that want me to work because they don’t have to babysit me? Those really don’t seem like things that are all that fantastic. 

So I will start this week hoping that my results come in quickly and that if I need a med adjustment it will do the trick to help me get back to feeling like I’m supposed to again. Be blessed today!!


Hope is lost……..and FOUND!!!

I truly believe I have the most amazing children on the planet. I am blessed not only to be their mother but to share their lives with them. My oldest daughter,Jessica, was 13 when we met. All spit fire and angry just like her Dad. All I wanted was for us to be a family together. But I quickly learned that that was easier said than done. She went back to live with her Mom about a year after we got married. From then until about 4 years ago she went in and out of our lives. Really it was no ones fault it was just the circumstances of everything. Through it all I loved and prayed for her all the time. She is one of my babies how could I not. We were talking when a divining moment happened in her young life when she was 17. It broke my heart to be two hours away from her and want to be there for her but not sure that I could or should. We have had talks about this event since and the depth of her caring not only for the other person involved but for their family and anyone else involved is amazing to me. People were not that nice to her. They didn’t protect her or take care of her the way they should have. I have vowed it will never be that way again. She will never walk through any part of life alone and scared again because my only concern is her and I will be there in a heartbeat. It’s coming up on the 9 year anniversary of this event and as with every other year she is still dealing with the aftermath. She wanted to help someone, to save someone, to change even one life. She holds my heart and she always will. I am so proud of her strength and dignity. I’m so proud that she allows me to be a part  of her life and that of her boys. I’m thankful that I get to sit on the porch and talk with her or make plans and spend time just us. We have plans to get a semi colon tattoo together. We are each getting it a little different but we are going together. How many Moms get to say they get to do that with their daughters?? Anyway, she posted the following last night and it’s just too beautiful not to share. 
Losing someone hurts. Losing someone to suicide hurts more. The unanswered questions, the what ifs and could I have done more. It changes a person forever and it breaks part of you that never heals. Everyone has struggles, everyone has bad days and sometimes people just have a crappy life and don’t know how to change it. I believe everyone has a purpose in life whether it’s a new born baby passing away, a child, teenager, adults and elders. You may not understand it then, but maybe that person was here to save someone or open their eyes to do big things and be an advocate for something. You never know how someone’s day is, you don’t know if what you say to them is going to make or break them. Be kind, you could be that smiling face that changes their mind on ending their life. 

Suicide isn’t selfish. It took me a long time to be able to say that and believe it. People that come to that point most of the time have bigger problems than you could even imagine and they just don’t know how to process them or ask for help. If they ask for help someone will make fun of them or tell them to man up or blow it off. Sometimes they don’t necessarily mean for it to work and it’s a cry for help. I can say that now because you won’t convince me that an 8,9, or 10 year old really process what forever means when they attempt it. There are really ones that young trying it! It hurts. It hurts to see and hear that and feel so helpless. 

I couldn’t help. I tried, I did all the things I knew to do and it was still too late. Parents lost a son, a girl lost her brother, a beautiful baby lost her dad, and some guys and girls lost a great friend! I live with regret every single day. I was 17 years old, still a kid. It broke me, I went through a really rough patch after that and didn’t know if I’d come through it and honestly part of me didn’t want to. I didn’t want to feel the hurt anymore. I was tired of carrying that pain. It was a small town, I had supporters but I also had many that hated me. Everyone wants to blame someone, but you can’t. Even if someone reaches out to you for help and it doesn’t work, it’s not your fault. It’s a choice that was probably already made before you was contacted. 

Please be kind. Smile. Say hi. Pay it forward. Be a good person. Life is too short, everything can be taken away in the blink of an eye. Think about the last words you had with someone, if they weren’t here tomorrow, would you carry guilt? If so fix it, don’t live your life wondering.
That is what she wrote. The link below is to the song she sang with it. It’s beautiful! Just like she is!!


Sometimes I Wonder….

If maybe I am just crazy about everything. The last few days I have had a headache and not felt that great. But I had no fever or any other major issues. I felt so bad yesterday I literally thought I was losing my mind. So…I went to the doctor and she says she thinks it’s mostly allergies. I get a steroid shot and by last night was feeling enough better to believe I wasn’t actually completely going crazy!! 

Today was a visit to Dr. Clements. I so love this man!! I am going in tomorrow to have my lithium and thyroid levels checked just to make sure I’m not going completely off the reservation. Then we will decide about my meds. He also prescribed a new sleep medication. I am so hoping this one works. Waking up multiple times a night is really starting to make me crazy. 

I tell this story because I know what it’s like to be scared and worried for yourself. I know what it feels like to spend most of your waking hours wondering over and over again if this is it and you are really going to lose your mind. 

I’m so grateful for doctors and to live in a time where mental health Is something we live with and aren’t destroyed by. Hopefully the next couple weeks will bring me back closer to normal or at least feeling more like myself. Until then keep the faith and don’t give up!!


Sometimes I Wonder….

If maybe I am just crazy about everything. The last few days I have had a headache and not felt that great. But I had no fever or any other major issues. I felt so bad yesterday I literally thought I was losing my mind. So…I went to the doctor and she says she thinks it’s mostly allergies. I get a steroid shot and by last night was feeling enough better to believe I wasn’t actually completely going crazy!! 

Today was a visit to Dr. Clements. I so love this man!! I am going in tomorrow to have my lithium and thyroid levels checked just to make sure I’m not going completely off the reservation. Then we will decide about my meds. He also prescribed a new sleep medication. I am so hoping this one works. Waking up multiple times a night is really starting to make me crazy. 

I tell this story because I know what it’s like to be scared and worried for yourself. I know what it feels like to spend most of your waking hours wondering over and over again if this is it and you are really going to lose your mind. 

I’m so grateful for doctors and to live in a time where mental health Is something we live with and aren’t destroyed by. Hopefully the next couple weeks will bring me back closer to normal or at least feeling more like myself. Until then keep the faith and don’t give up!!


Trump….

know this comment will end up  just one of millions. But I have some things. First, I’ve been on the Trump train since I very first heard about it. I am 35 years old and have never voted. I also have the distinction of being born in 1980 right on the line of a giant generation gap!! I knew that Trump would shake things up if nothing else. What he says about the American people is so true. Most politicians seem to have no clue what America wants. Proven by the fact that Trump is about to take the nomination and no one thought he would make it past the first debate. We love you Trump!! We love that you want things to be honest. That you speak honest even when it might be hard and people may not like it. It’s absolutely accurate that many if not most illegal aliens come to this country with drugs and proceed to kill American citizens. And it’s funny that somehow they don’t get deported OR they are back in a short period of time. It true that Americans believe the system is broken and have pretty much lost hope of any change. My sincerest hope is that Donald will be the man he is and he will unite not only Republicans but our country. His words about getting involved in both sides and helping them get together to solve some issues. The process is too complicated. Laws are so difficult to pass because they are hundreds and thousands of pages long and often include addendums where they are trying to get something passed without the proper process. LolIt kind of is funny if you think about. Why can’t we just vote on an issue or a law?? At what point did the politicians stop being for the people and become for themselves? With a little common sense it is painfully obvious that politicians care about themselves. Mr. Trump you have made us feel as if you are working for us. That you want what we want and that you will do whatever is in your power to help make that happen. There are those that are railing against you but that’s their problem. They KNOW that you are right and they KNOW that America is on board. They are having a collective anxiety attack because they know that this country will never be the same again. That YOU are exposing issues that have needed to be changed for close to 100 years in some cases. I am proud to stand in your corner and shout that you will have my vote. America is amazing!! And it’s about time some positive things started coming out of Washington. 


Trump….

know this comment will end up  just one of millions. But I have some things. First, I’ve been on the Trump train since I very first heard about it. I am 35 years old and have never voted. I also have the distinction of being born in 1980 right on the line of a giant generation gap!! I knew that Trump would shake things up if nothing else. What he says about the American people is so true. Most politicians seem to have no clue what America wants. Proven by the fact that Trump is about to take the nomination and no one thought he would make it past the first debate. We love you Trump!! We love that you want things to be honest. That you speak honest even when it might be hard and people may not like it. It’s absolutely accurate that many if not most illegal aliens come to this country with drugs and proceed to kill American citizens. And it’s funny that somehow they don’t get deported OR they are back in a short period of time. It true that Americans believe the system is broken and have pretty much lost hope of any change. My sincerest hope is that Donald will be the man he is and he will unite not only Republicans but our country. His words about getting involved in both sides and helping them get together to solve some issues. The process is too complicated. Laws are so difficult to pass because they are hundreds and thousands of pages long and often include addendums where they are trying to get something passed without the proper process. LolIt kind of is funny if you think about. Why can’t we just vote on an issue or a law?? At what point did the politicians stop being for the people and become for themselves? With a little common sense it is painfully obvious that politicians care about themselves. Mr. Trump you have made us feel as if you are working for us. That you want what we want and that you will do whatever is in your power to help make that happen. There are those that are railing against you but that’s their problem. They KNOW that you are right and they KNOW that America is on board. They are having a collective anxiety attack because they know that this country will never be the same again. That YOU are exposing issues that have needed to be changed for close to 100 years in some cases. I am proud to stand in your corner and shout that you will have my vote. America is amazing!! And it’s about time some positive things started coming out of Washington. 


Bipolar Question

I would love honest responses to this post if you are willing. I promise I won’t hate you or be mad at you. I enjoy hearing what others think and their perspective ven if I don’t agree. 
Isn’t it hard sometimes to determine what comes from the disorder and what comes from just living. I think sometimes we start to see normal thoughts and reactions as part of the disorder when they really aren’t. Like somebody does you wrong and you get mad and upset. Then you say wow I have so much anxiety my bipolar is kicking in. When really you have every right to be mad and upset bipolar or not. When did we decide sticking up for ourselves and not letting others get away with excuses for lie become a bad thing?? 
Anyone else have thoughts??


Ugh!! It never ends

I told my husband a couple of days ago that nothing will ever happen to our kids. At least not while they are young. He kind of looked at me like I am crazy and said you can’t know that. I know all of that. But I also know that if something major happened to one of my kids I would need to be in a nut house. I known know. Why would you talk about such a serious topic so flippantly? Well I use humor. Laughing is contagious and proven to be good for both your health and the longevity of your life. And laughing is so much better than crying. People don’t like the world crazy, I’m ok with it!! I mean off my meds I feel crazy so what is so wrong with that description. It isn’t the word that is bad it others perception of the word. When I use it freely in reference to myself it helps people laugh with me and be a little more open to hearing about my experiences. Most of the people around me know about my illness and they know that I a on meds. And it’s ok if they make a joke or ask a question. As long as you remember to be respectful I will pretty much answer or talk about anything. But like most people I have my hot buttons and I am quick to defend those who need it including myself. 

My grandsons came back from their dads today. First words out of their mouth was that their dad and his girlfriend got in a fight. I don’t know who said what but my daughter ended up finding out that he had his girlfriend in a choke hold this morning. My heart is broken. This is not the first issue there has been and at this point she pretty much feels like she has to keep the boys away from their dad and it breaks her heart for her kids. It breaks my heart for her. She shouldn’t have to be making this decision. Her ex isn’t someone she ever really hated but he has completely changed since their divorce and not for the better. I pray all these issues won’t bring me down and I am trusting my meds to do their job so that I can be here for her and the boys. 

I am enjoying watching myself go through these things and see what happens. New and different reactions is amazing to watch even when it’s you who is doing it. You have to have the right diagnosis and then you need the right treatment plan and the meds that will help your specific diagnosis. Some of the meds only work in certain things in addition to it being different for every person. 

I’m gonna run just a few thoughts cause my head seems to be full lately. Be blessed!!


Ramblings

Personal insight for the week. I spent many years terrified of wearing glasses. Not because glasses are bad but because for some reason I thought they made me different and I didn’t want to be anymore different than I already was. I watched my teeth get worse and worse for years and did nothing and really didn’t care. Slowly I am seeing things differently than I ever have. Medication is truly a gift, even if it has side effects and doesn’t always work right, and gives you tremors some of the time, a gift that I am so grateful to have. I feel like for the first time in my life I am more whole than I ever have been. It feels good in my skin and I like who I am the good,the bad, and the different. Just because one person thinks something is bad doesn’t make it true. I spent years of my life believing that people just “put up with me” or my family loves me because they have to. Yes that is partially true but many people don’t have family worth loving. I am so different, my thoughts and feelings are so unique and range to both ends of the spectrum. I believe in spanking children, but if it doesn’t work you have to find something that does. The goal of the spanking is to change behavior if it doesn’t work don’t keep hitting your kid. Teenagers are basically big fat jerks please try to accept now that your child will one day be invaded and well and there will be days when you literally worry if they will make it out of high school. You children need you tell to them you are proud of them, that they are a great person, and make a big deal when they do the RIGHT thing. I have good kids and I will tell you right now I will let NO ONE bully and demean my kids. Life is to hard to have adult people contributing to the self image of my children in a negative way. My daughter moved to be like 2 minutes away from us. We went through hell. We both said and did things out of frustration and ignorance that we didn’t truly mean. I always believed we would get her back and even if I don’t see them everyday I am overjoyed to have them here and that we are all a big silly family. I want Trump to win the election. He isn’t part of the establishment. He is opinionated and strong and would be the best chance we have for change. I look at Chad the other day and said “Trump must have narcissistic personality disorder to because I understand the meaning behind everything he says, even when others can’t.” Lol
Outspoken people are often pushed down and shuttled off. They are thrown away because they speak to truthfully or with conviction. Just because I speak with conviction doesn’t mean my thoughts can’t change. It just means that I will STAND UP for what I believe and think. Jesus asked us to do that for Him. I guess if I can do it for him and I’m trying to align my thoughts and actions with Him people should expect nothing less than for me to stand up. We make a big deal in this country about looking right or acting right. Just because someone differs from you doesn’t mean they are wrong. You know what I think God wants?? I think he wants us to admit we are human, and broken, and nothing can fix us but Him. Even then in this world we will still fall short. We need to be able to accept our faults and past and keep moving forward. I think of it like this. At this point in my life no one knows I had Justin in high school unless I tell them. So I can be quit or I can tell people how my son saved my life. God used what by all accounts was and bad bad to change my life. And FYI he’s an amazing 17 year old and I don’t think I could be more proud of him. My last thing is this people can not change that which they don’t see or don’t understand. If you grew up getting spanked everyday to be kept in line why would you think there would be something different. How we grow up directly effects our thoughts and decisions for much of our lives. Until we start learning and living. And news flash change, real change, doesn’t happen over night. If you are trying to change your thoughts it’s not just s switch. You have to work at it and work hard. Everyone needs a cheerleader be a cheerleader to that young girl you work with that obviously has issues. Be a cheerleader for your kids, your husband/wife, you friends your family. When they do something amazing make them feel good about it. It makes those times when difficult subjects come up that much easier because they already know you care about them. Also the next person who tells me love is overused might get hit. There is not enough love, real love. Sure I love tacos I really do, but when I tell a person I love them I mean it. It might be a friendship love but I mean it all the same. And mostly people have a hard time not smiling if you really are saying I love you. Maybe the English translation of love has it right. All love is covered under one man Jesus. So how can there ever be too much love??I actually had most of these thoughts on my drive to work. It is very typical of the conversations I have in life. I can literally change subjects every sentence. I work on it but I literally get distracted.  I have learned to laugh at it. My husband actually says pretty regularly,, ‘ we need to finish the important part of the conversation before you go on with your story? Can you finish one story before you start another?”

I used to see these comments as insults that overtook my life meds have allowed me to see these comments as facts and just that. It isn’t a condemnation or anger it’s just the truth. And because I look at it that way I also know he is trying to help me be better because he knows it probably isn’t going to change, and he can contribute to my happiness. I have learned to look to him as my compass and the deciding factor on some of my biggest internal struggles. He is my very best friend and I am beyond grateful that God trusted him with me, and me for him. We make each other better and ThAT is what’s important.

 

I told old you I could tell You a story in a story!!!!


Ramblings

Personal insight for the week. I spent many years terrified of wearing glasses. Not because glasses are bad but because for some reason I thought they made me different and I didn’t want to be anymore different than I already was. I watched my teeth get worse and worse for years and did nothing and really didn’t care. Slowly I am seeing things differently than I ever have. Medication is truly a gift, even if it has side effects and doesn’t always work right, and gives you tremors some of the time, a gift that I am so grateful to have. I feel like for the first time in my life I am more whole than I ever have been. It feels good in my skin and I like who I am the good,the bad, and the different. Just because one person thinks something is bad doesn’t make it true. I spent years of my life believing that people just “put up with me” or my family loves me because they have to. Yes that is partially true but many people don’t have family worth loving. I am so different, my thoughts and feelings are so unique and range to both ends of the spectrum. I believe in spanking children, but if it doesn’t work you have to find something that does. The goal of the spanking is to change behavior if it doesn’t work don’t keep hitting your kid. Teenagers are basically big fat jerks please try to accept now that your child will one day be invaded and well and there will be days when you literally worry if they will make it out of high school. You children need you tell to them you are proud of them, that they are a great person, and make a big deal when they do the RIGHT thing. I have good kids and I will tell you right now I will let NO ONE bully and demean my kids. Life is to hard to have adult people contributing to the self image of my children in a negative way. My daughter moved to be like 2 minutes away from us. We went through hell. We both said and did things out of frustration and ignorance that we didn’t truly mean. I always believed we would get her back and even if I don’t see them everyday I am overjoyed to have them here and that we are all a big silly family. I want Trump to win the election. He isn’t part of the establishment. He is opinionated and strong and would be the best chance we have for change. I look at Chad the other day and said “Trump must have narcissistic personality disorder to because I understand the meaning behind everything he says, even when others can’t.” Lol
Outspoken people are often pushed down and shuttled off. They are thrown away because they speak to truthfully or with conviction. Just because I speak with conviction doesn’t mean my thoughts can’t change. It just means that I will STAND UP for what I believe and think. Jesus asked us to do that for Him. I guess if I can do it for him and I’m trying to align my thoughts and actions with Him people should expect nothing less than for me to stand up. We make a big deal in this country about looking right or acting right. Just because someone differs from you doesn’t mean they are wrong. You know what I think God wants?? I think he wants us to admit we are human, and broken, and nothing can fix us but Him. Even then in this world we will still fall short. We need to be able to accept our faults and past and keep moving forward. I think of it like this. At this point in my life no one knows I had Justin in high school unless I tell them. So I can be quit or I can tell people how my son saved my life. God used what by all accounts was and bad bad to change my life. And FYI he’s an amazing 17 year old and I don’t think I could be more proud of him. My last thing is this people can not change that which they don’t see or don’t understand. If you grew up getting spanked everyday to be kept in line why would you think there would be something different. How we grow up directly effects our thoughts and decisions for much of our lives. Until we start learning and living. And news flash change, real change, doesn’t happen over night. If you are trying to change your thoughts it’s not just s switch. You have to work at it and work hard. Everyone needs a cheerleader be a cheerleader to that young girl you work with that obviously has issues. Be a cheerleader for your kids, your husband/wife, you friends your family. When they do something amazing make them feel good about it. It makes those times when difficult subjects come up that much easier because they already know you care about them. Also the next person who tells me love is overused might get hit. There is not enough love, real love. Sure I love tacos I really do, but when I tell a person I love them I mean it. It might be a friendship love but I mean it all the same. And mostly people have a hard time not smiling if you really are saying I love you. Maybe the English translation of love has it right. All love is covered under one man Jesus. So how can there ever be too much love??I actually had most of these thoughts on my drive to work. It is very typical of the conversations I have in life. I can literally change subjects every sentence. I work on it but I literally get distracted.  I have learned to laugh at it. My husband actually says pretty regularly,, ‘ we need to finish the important part of the conversation before you go on with your story? Can you finish one story before you start another?”

I used to see these comments as insults that overtook my life meds have allowed me to see these comments as facts and just that. It isn’t a condemnation or anger it’s just the truth. And because I look at it that way I also know he is trying to help me be better because he knows it probably isn’t going to change, and he can contribute to my happiness. I have learned to look to him as my compass and the deciding factor on some of my biggest internal struggles. He is my very best friend and I am beyond grateful that God trusted him with me, and me for him. We make each other better and ThAT is what’s important.

 

I told old you I could tell You a story in a story!!!!