Author Archives: learningtobebipolar

My Story

IVe shared my story before and that’s not really what this is about. Or maybe it’s a continuation or a new insight that I have found I’m not sure. I find it so easy to talk openly and share when I am typing like this. But it’s hard in daily life. I ha no problem with people knowing that I am Bipolar. I often crack jokes, it’s what helps me cope. And at the end of the day it’s never a bad thing to laugh. I can talk about most things in my life but when it comes to the hardest things or the things that are ugly about my life. I’m still working on coming to a balance. I am trying to have moments instead of hours and days or weeks. Something that is hard to do when you often can’t see things unless someone points them out. Which brings me to this. I am going to start back going to counseling. I need someone to reflect my thoughts and emotions back to me in a way that I can make progress. I really need to have some really good talk time about my son right now. It seems there are quite a few people around lately that are struggling to hold it together. 

The reason I like so many blogs and am constantly reading articles is because sometimes someone says something and I can see it in my life. I am starting to be able to notice my manic and depressed times. Thankfully, I think I probably have more manic periods. I have a couple good depressed times, usually about 6 weeks long. But it is starting to seem that I spend the rest of the year stable, manic, hypo manic. This is a seriously strange new train of thought and I am struggling to get a hold of it. It’s like it comes into focus and then it shatters and moves away again. It bothers me, a lot!! I mean if I’m going to have these thoughts that runs away, are crazy, and rule my life it would be nice if I didn’t have to work so hard to get them in focus. Aaannnyywwaaayyyy, getting to where I can start noticing those patterns. It helps me to feel like I have a small amount of control over my life. 

Meanwhile, I think I already told y’all I started Serequil. The dosage is now at 4 a nights, started at half a pill. I have been doing 4 for about a week now. Seems to work pretty good. I am sleeping somewhere between 5 and 7 hours most nights. I still wake up once or twice before and after the good sleep. But as of now I can live with that.  Also, I had 3 days off this week!!  You’re thinking why is that good. Well my husband is a disabled veteran. So I work part time for extra money and I am blessed to get to spend that extra time with my family. I also have 3 days off next week. I am so happy. I’m not sure it will last forever but I will take as many weeks as I can get. Lol

I guess I really didn’t have a point tonight except that we just have to keep going and keep living and learning. And through that we will be happy, healthy, Storng!!

Be blessed!!!


Daily Life

I guess I am on a role today. I have been spending some time thinking about what my daily life is like. Some days are easy and good and flow perfectly. Granted those aren’t that often but I really like those days. The other days are filled with questions, second-guessing myself and all around just being confused with life. I have this problem that if someone who was previously talkative goes silent for a couple days I think they hate me and never want to talk to me again. When in reality it is probably a personal issue or they are just tired like I get sometimes. A lady today when I made a comment said, “that didn’t come out very nice”. I proceeded to say I didn’t mean it to sound bad and then asked if she was sure it sounded bad. These things confuse and distract me. The problem is that there is no such thing as perfection. And even though I know that in my mind it doesn’t stop me from seeking to do things the “right” way and live in a way that makes everyone happy. Sure I know it will never happen, I know that it’s ok and that I can still contribute despite being imperfect. Yet my first reaction is always to try for perfection. 

When something negative happens it goes straight to my heart. You may think it’s not a big deal and you may tell me that. But I will continue feeling like a failure until I feel I have fixed the problem or an appropriate amount of time has passed. I am starting to realize that it is more a part of me than I would have thought. And it leaves me sad and unnecessarily hard on myself for things that I KNOW are so small. 

I spend my days trying to make others people’s lives easier and when I fail. Or when I try my best and someone is still unhappy with me it crushes me. I spent some time as a teenager having people tell me that I am too hard on myself, that my heart is too big, and I love too much! I wonder how that is possible. To me there is no such thing as too much love. You can’t say it enough you can’t show it enough. Yet many of the people around me believe you can love too much! I will never understand why someone would say that. Do you want to be less loved? Would you rather the people that love you save it for special occasions or maybe never tell you at all. It’s something I spend a lot of time thinking about. And it is also the single most important thing that I want people to say and remember about me. I know that I often fail and that some people are just not going to jive with me. But those closest to me. The ones that share my life. I want them to be able to say that above everything else I am love. 

I want the people I love to know that I am behind them. That nothing, and I mean nothing, will ever change the love that I have for them or the fact that they deserve to be loved all day everyday. I want the people that know me to know who I really am and have faith in the love that I have for them. 

Most of all I would just like to continue being able to look at myself and change what needs changing. I want to be open to others thoughts and observations. I want to be as stable as I can be and learn to live life differently than I did for almost 30 years of my life. 

There will always be days when someone says, “that didn’t come out very nice.” There will always be people who don’t like me or think that I am mean because I stick up for myself and those around me. If I could I would stand with every person I love and defend them to the people who try to hurt them. I AM strong enough and I KNOW how to be kind and loving without giving all of myself away. I wish so much that I could give even 1% of what I have to the people who I love. We all deserve better and we all deserve good things. Sure they don’t happen all the time and there are parts of life that are extremely hard (refer to last post) but I am content and happy in a way that I never have been before. Those bad days still scare me because it feels like they are going to last forever. But I am slowly starting to learn that isn’t true and that it’s ok if I give myself the time to grieve, or be mad,sad,etc. some days it’s still really hard because it feels like it will never end. It feels like if I allow myself to feel I won’t be able to stop. It’s like a weight in my chest still and I’m pretty certain it will never go away. That I will always carry it with me no matter how much I learn and grow. 

Feeling is who I am. I am learning to use it more and more as strength and a gift and I don’t know why God thought I should have it but I am sure thankful. Because I’m not just sleep walking through life. I am living and loving and hurting and healing. And without those things there doesn’t seem to me to be a point. 

I hope you all are blessed today and that you find a way to have and share love. 


Soul Crushing Sadness

I have been trying to figure out how to be ok with letting my son move out. I KNOW in my head that it’s ok. Logically it is probably the best thing at this point. I don’t think he hates us I think he’s just ready to live his life and sort of be on his own. He will be staying with some form of relatives. I have known this was coming. I have spent my whole life trying to be good enough, as a mother, that my kids are independent, strong, kind, hard-working people. I know they will continue to grow for the rest of their lives but I’m there. The finish line is so close. Next year I get to watch my son as a Senoir play football and wrestle for his school. I get to watch him as he gets good grades and prepares himself for college. Even taking some college classes. I get to watch him graduate from high school an amazing young man that I consider myself blessed to know. Much less that he is my son and I somehow had a hand in who he is. I had to write him a note yesterday to tell him it was ok. That I wouldn’t be mad if he moved out and that no matter what I love him more than life itself. I’m going to paste it here. Maybe it will help someone else who is trying to come to terms with their child leaving the nest. I don’t know how long it will take me to be ok. Most of the time I feel like an anxiety attack could happen at any given moment if I think about it too much. I KNOW in time the sadness will ebb but I also know that I will always miss my sweet boy! Please love your kids, hold them and cherish them because no matter how much you think you do it will never have been enough in hindsight. Here is the letter I wrote my baby!

Justin,

My baby!! First, I want you to know that I love you. And that nothing you ever say or do changes that. It should be no surprise that I am not ready for you to move out. But that isn’t going to change tomorrow or next week or next year either. Your Dad and I discussed this together and came up with the best thing we thought for you for us and for everyone involved. Have you ever heard the saying it takes a village to raise a child? Well, it’s true or at least in your case it is. Because I was so young when I had you you kind of got an added bonus. We lived with Nena and Papa until you were two and even after that we/you spent a lot of time with them. And in many ways Amanda and Joanna and Andrew almost fall under a sibling catalogs rather than aunts and uncle. Because of this closeness your Dad and I are in a position that not many parents are. We have people that we trust that love you and treat you well that are more than willing to be therefor you anytime anywhere. Not that they aren’t for the others but you are just a special kind of special. When I heard you were talking about moving out again I was pissed. For reasons I’m sure you have no need to hear again. I was also made because you basically thought you were going to use us for camp and then leave. And imagine my surprise when your Dad already had camp paid for and has no intention of taking thy away from you. I hope you realize there was a time would have not only taken away camp but you would probably be punished further. You are more lived and cherished than you will ever know. We are so proud of you!! I brag about you all the time because I don’t know how in the midst of being Bipolar and unmedicated I had a hand in raising you. If you ever wonder what Bipolar is like I would love to chat with you, or google it and look for different people’s experiences. Being medicated is a good thing. I feel better I feel different most of the time. But it doesn’t stop my heart from hurting because you are grown. I have been trying to stay in denial but if you move out soon I have no choice but to start facing the fact that you are basically grown. It’s no longer about punishments and instructions it’s about conversations and advice you have no obligation to keep or use. I bet about now you’re thinking what the crap is she typing this for? Well, it’s because I want you to know that it’s ok. It’s ok if you grow up and move out. I have no doubt you will be safe and that your senior year will be amazing!! But I can’t even think about it without crying. And I don’t want you to feel bad. It’s ok for you to grow up. It’s ok for you to start moving onward and upward. I just hope that we will still have a place in your life. That you will want to spend time around us and that you want to have a more adult relationship with us. I pray that God continues to watch over you and give you the strength to do anything that you want to do. I’m sure there will come a day when I adjust to you not being in the house but that day isn’t today and I don’t really see it happening soon. But I want you to know that it’s ok. We remember being 17 and so does everyone else. You’re just ready to get out. It’s not necessarily because you are mad or have a bad home life. It’s just because your ready to fly. And that is what I want for you. That is what I have spent so much time and energy trying to make happen. You are amazing. You are going to do amazing things and I believe you will effect every life you come in contact with in a positive way. Please don’t be mad at Jessica. She was trying to do the right thing. And in many ways this situation is better than any alternatives because if you leave we will all still love each other and want to spend time together. So maybe you need to thank her because while you are mad she also helped to get you what you want. I want you to understand one thing though. We don’t OWE you anything. We do things for you because we love you. You have watched us do and help Jessica for the last 4 years. We don’t help her because we have to. We help her because we love her and that’s what parents do. I hope that if/when you decide to leave you know without doubt that you are loved and cherished. That we will ALWAYS be here for you and parents don’t stop loving their kids ever!! I absolutely could not be more proud of you! I could be more thankful that God trusted me with you. And no one will ever convince me that having you in many ways saved my life from pain and probably more than I know. God made you extra special cause I am an extra crazy Mom! Sorry to inform you that probably is not going to change. But I want you to know I cherish our relationship. I’m thankful that we can talk and that we can laugh together. I hope this bond only gets stronger as you move into adulthood and don’t have to fear getting in trouble for things. We may not like everything that you do but you will never not be loved or welcome. So, if you are ready to move out do it. I won’t be mad. I very well may cry. And from now on when you see me you hug me. But I’m ok. And I will be ok. I love you! And I am so proud of you! I can’t wait to watch you play and wrestle next year and kick some butt. You don’t have to respond if you don’t want to. I just wanted you to know it’s ok if you are ready to go.

Love always,

Mom


Soul Crushing Sadness

I have been trying to figure out how to be ok with letting my son move out. I KNOW in my head that it’s ok. Logically it is probably the best thing at this point. I don’t think he hates us I think he’s just ready to live his life and sort of be on his own. He will be staying with some form of relatives. I have known this was coming. I have spent my whole life trying to be good enough, as a mother, that my kids are independent, strong, kind, hard-working people. I know they will continue to grow for the rest of their lives but I’m there. The finish line is so close. Next year I get to watch my son as a Senoir play football and wrestle for his school. I get to watch him as he gets good grades and prepares himself for college. Even taking some college classes. I get to watch him graduate from high school an amazing young man that I consider myself blessed to know. Much less that he is my son and I somehow had a hand in who he is. I had to write him a note yesterday to tell him it was ok. That I wouldn’t be mad if he moved out and that no matter what I love him more than life itself. I’m going to paste it here. Maybe it will help someone else who is trying to come to terms with their child leaving the nest. I don’t know how long it will take me to be ok. Most of the time I feel like an anxiety attack could happen at any given moment if I think about it too much. I KNOW in time the sadness will ebb but I also know that I will always miss my sweet boy! Please love your kids, hold them and cherish them because no matter how much you think you do it will never have been enough in hindsight. Here is the letter I wrote my baby!

Justin,

My baby!! First, I want you to know that I love you. And that nothing you ever say or do changes that. It should be no surprise that I am not ready for you to move out. But that isn’t going to change tomorrow or next week or next year either. Your Dad and I discussed this together and came up with the best thing we thought for you for us and for everyone involved. Have you ever heard the saying it takes a village to raise a child? Well, it’s true or at least in your case it is. Because I was so young when I had you you kind of got an added bonus. We lived with Nena and Papa until you were two and even after that we/you spent a lot of time with them. And in many ways Amanda and Joanna and Andrew almost fall under a sibling catalogs rather than aunts and uncle. Because of this closeness your Dad and I are in a position that not many parents are. We have people that we trust that love you and treat you well that are more than willing to be therefor you anytime anywhere. Not that they aren’t for the others but you are just a special kind of special. When I heard you were talking about moving out again I was pissed. For reasons I’m sure you have no need to hear again. I was also made because you basically thought you were going to use us for camp and then leave. And imagine my surprise when your Dad already had camp paid for and has no intention of taking thy away from you. I hope you realize there was a time would have not only taken away camp but you would probably be punished further. You are more lived and cherished than you will ever know. We are so proud of you!! I brag about you all the time because I don’t know how in the midst of being Bipolar and unmedicated I had a hand in raising you. If you ever wonder what Bipolar is like I would love to chat with you, or google it and look for different people’s experiences. Being medicated is a good thing. I feel better I feel different most of the time. But it doesn’t stop my heart from hurting because you are grown. I have been trying to stay in denial but if you move out soon I have no choice but to start facing the fact that you are basically grown. It’s no longer about punishments and instructions it’s about conversations and advice you have no obligation to keep or use. I bet about now you’re thinking what the crap is she typing this for? Well, it’s because I want you to know that it’s ok. It’s ok if you grow up and move out. I have no doubt you will be safe and that your senior year will be amazing!! But I can’t even think about it without crying. And I don’t want you to feel bad. It’s ok for you to grow up. It’s ok for you to start moving onward and upward. I just hope that we will still have a place in your life. That you will want to spend time around us and that you want to have a more adult relationship with us. I pray that God continues to watch over you and give you the strength to do anything that you want to do. I’m sure there will come a day when I adjust to you not being in the house but that day isn’t today and I don’t really see it happening soon. But I want you to know that it’s ok. We remember being 17 and so does everyone else. You’re just ready to get out. It’s not necessarily because you are mad or have a bad home life. It’s just because your ready to fly. And that is what I want for you. That is what I have spent so much time and energy trying to make happen. You are amazing. You are going to do amazing things and I believe you will effect every life you come in contact with in a positive way. Please don’t be mad at Jessica. She was trying to do the right thing. And in many ways this situation is better than any alternatives because if you leave we will all still love each other and want to spend time together. So maybe you need to thank her because while you are mad she also helped to get you what you want. I want you to understand one thing though. We don’t OWE you anything. We do things for you because we love you. You have watched us do and help Jessica for the last 4 years. We don’t help her because we have to. We help her because we love her and that’s what parents do. I hope that if/when you decide to leave you know without doubt that you are loved and cherished. That we will ALWAYS be here for you and parents don’t stop loving their kids ever!! I absolutely could not be more proud of you! I could be more thankful that God trusted me with you. And no one will ever convince me that having you in many ways saved my life from pain and probably more than I know. God made you extra special cause I am an extra crazy Mom! Sorry to inform you that probably is not going to change. But I want you to know I cherish our relationship. I’m thankful that we can talk and that we can laugh together. I hope this bond only gets stronger as you move into adulthood and don’t have to fear getting in trouble for things. We may not like everything that you do but you will never not be loved or welcome. So, if you are ready to move out do it. I won’t be mad. I very well may cry. And from now on when you see me you hug me. But I’m ok. And I will be ok. I love you! And I am so proud of you! I can’t wait to watch you play and wrestle next year and kick some butt. You don’t have to respond if you don’t want to. I just wanted you to know it’s ok if you are ready to go.

Love always,

Mom


You know that one time…..

When you were going along just fine. You were on the precipice of having your regular schedule back at work after several months of working too much. You and your husband were getting along and not only that learning how to better work through disagreements and tough issues. You sister is having a baby in November(ya another baby to love on). Your daughter moved to town in February and you get to see her and her boys almost everyday. Your grandson says, “sure do” and you have to say “love you” back or he will keep saying it over and over. He is a precious gift. You started tanning again so maybe you can feel a little better about yourself. Then your son, your first born, tells someone that he is thinking about moving out and living with his Nena and Papa. I am officially thrown. I officially have a very tight hold on that last string that’s about to break. I want with everything that is in me to be mad at him, to make him stay, to tell my parents and the rest of my village that I will disown them if they help him. These are things that I WANT to do. I even told my family they couldn’t help him the day that I found out.

He’s 17 and will be a Senior in the fall. I want to keep him with me. I have been telling people for several months that I am in denial about him graduating. He’s my baby!! This wasn’t supposed to happen this fast and I don’t know how to behave if he is no longer in my house. I thought I had another year,I’m just not ready!!

Having said all of that I believe we do what’s right for our kids as well as ourselves. My son doesn’t really want to leave because he hates us. He’s just ready to be out and be a grown up. I don’t know how many people have an amazing village like I have but I know that, even when I hate it, I am blessed by and for having it. Most likely my son would go to stay with my parents. He would go to the same school, I can still go to his games and meets. And he can still come over once a week to eat with us and watch a TV show or movie. We really don’t want him to be unhappy. More importantly we don’t want him to end up leaving with all of us mad and then we lose the relationships we have. 

As for me…my heart is broken! Not because he may leave but because I love him so much! I had him a month after I turned 18 he has been there with me through everything always. He has a been a sweet, caring, and kind kid. He is growing into an amazing man and hopefully one day father of his own kids. I couldn’t be more proud of him. Of course he doesn’t understand what the big deal is. I actually haven’t really talked to him because I don’t want to come across as mad and I not want to be a crying baby either. I want him to know how proud I am and that it really is ok if he wants to move out. I will be ok, eventually. Right now I can’t even think about it, much less talk without tears streaming down my face and feeling like my heart will break. I wish I knew how to change it. How to make it better or easier somehow. I know there is probably isn’t an easier but I honestly have no idea how I am going to make it and keep going. Everytime I let myself reflect even for a moment my eyes tear up again. I have had to stop 3 times writing this because I couldn’t see through the tears. 

Being bipolar is only making this worse. It has to be. I can’t imagine every mother going through his intense feeling. If they do I have no idea how they made it. I don’t understand how you ever recover. Maybe you don’t. More than one in my life I have been so tired of being me. So tired of trying all the time. So tired of figuring out what the best thing would be. So tired of feeling things in a way that seems amplified and out of control.  So tired of feeling like I am watching myself be  a train wreck and having no ability to stop it. Actually I can stop the feelings, all I have to ignore them and go through life like a zombie. Who wants to do that? I have no desire to stick my head in the sand and pretend life isn’t going on around me. Hopefully time will allow this fear and sadness to lessen, as I’m sure I will always be a little sad. Hopefully we will be able to laugh and I will feel pride again instead of this sadness and fear. Please please hug your babies, spend time with them, even if it makes them mad. It is true that time flies!! It still feel like yesterday that he was a baby!!

Be blessed!!


Just one of those days

Surprisingly today was a pretty decent day! My boss had a day off and the owner of our store was there to help out. It seems that he is getting a real grip on what we are dealing with right now. He says things are going to start changing. But at the end of the day I’m not holding my breath. The girl I started training to day is awesome however and she only a year or so younger than me so maybe we finally found someone dependable. It seems to me that at some point if someone can’t get their stuff together it’s time to cut ties. But what do I know I’ve only been working in this business for almost 20 years. 

On another note I have been feeling pretty good the last week. I have been remembering to take my allergy medicine and with the start of seroquil I am sleeping better and I think it has helped to mellow me out further when I’m awake. It truly is a roller coaster in so many ways. But I enjoy having the ability to control my emotions and do things the way they are supposed to be done. I also enjoy sharing with the people around me. The girl I worked with today told me it seemed like I could get along with almost anybody. And she was right. Generally I like all kinds of people. Unless they lie to me and then I get done pretty quick. You could tell me the worst thing ever and I would take that better and easier than finding out someone lied to me. There are too many people that try to hard and want good things for me to spend time on people who find it necessary to lie. 

I’m hoping that I can stay stable and mellow like I am now for quite a while. I feel like I can handle things again, even things that are hard without flipping out. That is always a plus for me as I am pretty not very nice when I am deep in being manic or depressed. And I do things like want to or try to quit my job, yell at my kids a for nothing and just pretty much all around not pleasant. I think it’s good to know yourself well enough to cause the least amount of damage. I am considering going back to counseling for 2 or 3 months. Generally, I don’t need to talk about all my stuff all the time but I need a counselor type of feedback. It’s easier for me to see and change things when I have someone to reflect my words and emotions back to me. We will see I’m still thinking about it. 

Be blessed!!!


Writing

tohthut I have started to try to remember to put words down as I think them or as different situations come up. I have always had a lot to say and some of it is pretty good stuff. The catch 22 is that I actually have very little quiet time around my house and in my life. So if my posts seem kind of choppy and jump around it’s because someone or something has interrupted me yet again. It has only been more recently that I have realize this as every time I startto write a post someone decides they need me. Never fails. Currently my 17 year old likes to try to have conversation at 9pm. Um…..no, not the correct time for important conversations as the day is already over. Of  course that means I then have to catch him in between school and work in order to actually finish the conversation. But I guess that’s just the way life is sometimes. 

As I look for more ways to be involved with the world around me I realize that those quiet moments when it’s quiet mean the world to me. It’s when I am most able to see who I am and why I’m in exactly the place that I am right now. My dental hygenist look at me a couple weeks ago and said,”you just spew all this wisdom and you way younger than me”. A compliment yes for sure. But also I end up being like are you kidding me this isn’t wisdom it’s just me telling my opinion. In that moment though, and not for the first time I wonder why God made me the way he did. Why am I the one that wise? Why of the the people in my dads extended family did I end up having this illness? Especially because it seems that only a couple of people had it to begin with. I have never understood why things have been this way. I am quite certain that I never will. But I pray that just one person can be helped by my voice. That someone somewhere has a little better life or relationship because I took the time to reach out. It never feels like enough though. Even the things I have done don’t really even seem to be a drop in the bucket for all the people on this planet.

Does anyone else ever wonder what people will say about them after you are gone? I’m not consumed by it or anything but I am curious. I have written letters and had conversations with people where I have tried to express how much I love and care for them. I truly believe we should all be trying to say what needs To be said. That we should be coming together as families, and friends to make our circles amazing. To have people looking and saying I want that how do I get it.  Writing has always been a good outlet for me. Now that I can make some quiet time my hope is that my thoughts will come together better and I can better express what I am trying to say.

 

Stay tuned people I think it’s gonna be a great ride!!


Mothers Day 

Ha ha tricked you!! I know that was so mean. But I decided that everyone is talking about mothers today. And I can tell you that I have an awesome mother and so many of the young ladies around me have really crappy mothers. But itS not like you haven’t heard that before. 

So I’m going to use this post to talk about Mothers who struggle with mental illness. I’m not sure genetically where my bipolar stems from I am almost positive that my Grandmother on my fathers side has/had it. She is still alive but she is suffering from dementia along with a few other things. But she exhibited many of the characteristics that I have or that I had at one time. It has been an interesting couple of years trying to figure out what is what. For me sometimes I don’t know for sure if my interactions and reactions with my kids are normal or the bipolar rearing its ugly head. Most of the time I think kids are just the hardest thing any human being ever has to deal with. You have moments or periods of time where you feel like you are just sailing along and then it seems that over night things are completely crazy. I personally struggle with raising my voice. I have always been told I yell to much period, but I mean sometimes kids are so loud you have to yell. At least for a minute there isn’t any other choice. But for me I spend more time analyzing everything that happens instead of just enjoying how things happen and the great moments that can be found amidst the chaos. 

Even before I knew about my diagnosis I spent so much time thinking that I was a bad mother who couldn’t get her stuff together. I still feel like a failure on a regular basis but I have been able to give myself permission to cut myself some slack. No one is prefect no matter how hard we try. No one will ever measure up to the perfection that exists in our heads. I have come to realize that it’s the crazy moments, the family dinners, the inside jokes, the sleepovers, the joy of a new birth, the sadness in the final goodbyes of someone we love. Women especially seem to hold this close as they walk through life. We think we have to be perfect, that we have to make everyone happy, and that when we do mess up we are the worst mother, sister, wife on the planet. 

I’m here to tell you that’s not true. Your family and more importantly your children would never be the same without you. They don’t care about a perfect house, or dinner on the table every night, they don’t care if you are beautiful or wearing sweat pants and no make up.  You’re children love you because you are their mother and because of what you do for them. They don’t need all that other stuff. All they need is you, for you to be present, for you to sit and talk with them about their lives, for you to have family movie night and watch a kids movie while you eat popcorn and sleep on a mattress in the living room floor. They need you to love them no matter what they do and even if you are mad. I make my kids say “i love you” back when I say it to them. Not because I want to punish them but so they know that even when they are mad I still love them and I know that they still love me. It’s in those moments when you are honestly tired of your child’s voice and they say “mommy”, you respond with “ugh yes”, and they look you in the eyes and say I love you so much!!Thats when you know you were made to be a Mom. That those sweet moments have the ability to change your life in a heart beat. That;s how I know that some of these things have nothing to do with bipolar and everything to do with the difficult task of raising kids. 

My kids know that I am bipolar. At differing depths because of their age but I am open with them about my struggles and my difficulties. I want them to understand that sometimes I react badly and it is of no fault of theirs. I purposely humble myself and tell them that I am sorry because it’s not their fault my brain is having a very negative day. 

Being a mother has been my most rewarding experience in life so far. To watch them grow. To see them go through periods of hating you just to turn back around and need you. Being a mother has probably been one of my greatest gifts. I looke forward to watching my kids continue to go and spread their wings. To be more wholly who they are and to make their mark on the world. For me Mother’s Day isn’t about me it’s about my kids and the unbelievable amount of joy that they bring to my life. So for all you mother soak up the love today cause it’s gonna be a long year before it rolls back around.
Be blessed!!

It’s in the quiet moments

It’s in the quiet moments when you realize your strength and enduring power. We did $1500 today at work with basically 3 people. If that doesn’t prove that people who are bipolar can lead extremely high functioning lives I don’t know what does. I get home finish the laundry, clean the laundry room, and go outside to watch my kids and grandkids play. This sweet 5 year old boy is playing in the dirt with a trowel and he is so so proud he can get it to stick in the dirt. “Nana, look what I did”. Oh to hear the name Nana, I am not sure anyone could love these boys more than I do. They brighten my days and even when the days are hard and it seems to much they always remind me that LOVE prevails. 

It’s in the quiet moments at night while my husband and I watch TV together and laugh and talk and joke that I know God blessed me with more than  probably deserve. I know that my husband loves me, but it’s a whole new world to be able to feel the depth of his love. I have never slowed down enough to actually feel everything.

It’s in the quiet moments when my daughter tells me she loves me or gets excited about spending time together. When my older daughter calls me and says”I need some advice” that I think wow maybe I am doing something right. When I reach a depth of love and respect that I didn’t even know was possible. That’s when I can see that’s when I know that everything will be ok.

It’s in the quiet moments that God touches my spirit and I can feel His presence with me. That allows me to keep getting up and going to work, to keep trying even when my meds aren’t working and I want to give up. That silence that split second when you KNOW that you are not alone and that no matter what happens someone is always in your corner. 

It’s in the quiet moments that you realize that you can let bipolar consume you or you can see it to your advantage. My fast moving brain doesn’t stop when I take my meds but I am much more easily able to corral and control it. I have been told more than once that I am very efficient. It just seems like common sense to me but the older I get the more I realize that this also is a gift. I can  do things normally 2 or 3 to 1 when someone is doing the same things beside me.  It’s in the quiet moments that I realize I am blessed to be high functioning and a true bipolar. Before you jump down my throat I only mean that I believe that bipolar can be caused by trauma and in many cases it is present from birth. I also believe that it easier to medicate with good results when it is more biological than situational. (I truly don’t mean that to sound bad, please feel free to message me if you would like to chat in depth). I know myself so well and always have but bipolar was the missing link. Once that piece fell into place I realized I haven’t been alone that I’m not a failure and I am worth all the good things I know in my head are true. 

It’s in the quiet moments, as tears slowly slide down my cheeks that I know that I am not broken but that I am beautifully made and I belong here. That I watch my children play or sleep and they are the very best parts of me. That they love me without condition even when they are mad at me. That they would give me the world if they could. That I get to be small part in how amazing I know they are going to be is the greatest gift I have ever gotten. It’s in those quiet moments that I know without a doubt I am loved and treasured bipolar or not and there is no go quite so sweet. 

Be blessed y’all!!


Explaining

I have realized that people are much more open to accepting me being bipolar than I would have thought. I have had several people seek me out to ask questions and to get advice. The truth is (and I know some don’t feel this way) you don’t have bipolar you are bipolar. It is just as much a part of me as my hair color or how smart I am. You almost can’t know me without knowing bipolar. Some aspects are so so hard and draining. As with most things there are benefits, maybe not many but they are still there. Why would anyone want to separate themselves? I understand wanting not to have these issues but there are things you would lose if bipolar is taken away. I truly believe I am more empathetic and open minded because of my illness. I have lived first hand what’s it’s like for someone to have a really good childhood and still make bad choices. Obviously, those bad choices were mine and mine alone. But I know now that bipolar played a part in the vast majority of them. It seems simple, you think that reason should work, or that if you are logical the other person should understand. That’s kind of the idea, it’s not that we can’t see it. It’s that we either don’t care or we don’t know how to feel any other way. I have found its so much easier for people to be empathetic and try to understand if I am up front with them. Obviously I don’t tell everyone in the first conversation but most of the people I work with know and ALL my Facebook family knows because I am very vocal. I’m sure that I am not an easy person to deal with and live with. But that’s been the case since as long as I can remember. My Mom said I was 5 when she have me Benedryl hoping it would knock me out. She also said she never did it again because it had the opposite effect. Lol

The same is still true for me today. I can take one pill and it does nothing. I have to take 3 to even begin to get tired. If that doesn’t show there is a biological component to these illnesses I don’t know what does. 

I have heard people say that asking the people closest to you about how you have been isn’t something that you should do because the people we live with are most effected by our illness. Anyway, I don’t believe that without question my Mom and my husband are the people I trust the most to let me know if I am acting crazy. My daughter and a few friends are pretty good at seeing it as well but it’s he’s to trust people with such a delicate issues that encompasses so much of your life. 

I’m sure that it will never be easy. I’m grateful to have the people in my life that I do. I’m glad they can laugh with me and treat me as if my emotional state isn’t the end all of everything. I am thankful that when it’s quiet I know that this is me, that I am beautiful and amazing, and that I am without a doubt bipolar. Love me or hate me not to many people will tell you I don’t have a heart of gold and spend most of my time looking out for those around me. Sometimes to a fault. 

I hope you can learn to accept the pieces of you that don’t work right or are broken. That you can learn to laugh and go about your life in a way that impacts the people around you. After all we are all just looking for love and acceptance. Try giving that to someone today.