If you are reading then you are going forward with the knowledge that you have been warned. I know some, maybe most of you are not going to agree with what I am about to say. I am an extremely logical person. I like facts and I like things that make sense within the confines of their bigger issue.
Having said that I swear if I read a post about someone just getting better from being bipolar, or “I just stopped taking my meds and I have never felt better”, or my favorite ” you have to have faith in God and then He will heal you.” First off I absolutely believe that God can and does heal people of seemingly impossible infirmities and illnesses. I also think they are awesome stories to share, but please don’t are me feel like I don’t have enough faith because I am not healed. I’m sorry but no one will ever convince me that they are truly bipolar and just got better, or just stopped taking meds and things were fine. I believe these things occur but I believe there is reason for them, usually that you weren’t bipolar or begin with or you were diagnosed a child and never should have been.
Admittedly I am probably on the high functioning side but like many other things in my life somehow people think that makes it not as bad or something. Truthfully, I honestly believe only difference between me and most people is that I have an amazing family and mom and dad. My Mom has always been there to help and try to guide me, even when I wasn’t at all worthy of her love. I believe my dysfunction is something that was mitigated by good parents that are good people. You can’t help but learn those things when it’s there every day of your life. It does bother me that people seem to hang on so tightly to their, “I can’t “, or “I was just in the hospital for the 10th time.” I know that I am not supposed to get aggravated because I don’t know these people or what their walk is like. But good grief while mental illness is highly subjective it in many ways is based in facts of human nature.
If you have been in the hospital 10 times you either aren’t taking care of yourself and making good choices, or you have crappy doctors that aren’t doing a thing for you. Why do I know this??? I know this because the day I was told my diagnosis I knew I needed to find a doctor and get on meds and probably needed to do some counseling. That hasn’t changed almost 2 years later. Sure sometimes I feel numb but why would I want to hurt the people around me just to feel good. Because I know I need meds I will for the rest of my life make sure that I have them and take them like I am supposed to. I believe that is what God wants me to do and I believe I glorify Him everytime I choose to take my meds instead of convince myself I’m ok.
Don’t get me wrong I absolutely believe there are those people who need to be hospitalized and need a lot of help. But I have seen people who have been told they have every condition under the sun make changes and learn to live in a different way. And guess what??? They are either completely med free or only on a anti depressant. But they are happy and healthy and they are enjoying life in a way they never have before. I am not that person. It doesn’t matter how long or how often I try to force myself to be better it doesn’t happen without my meds. I have always behaved and thought in a way that I could simply force things to happen by sheer will. I am having to learn that I have to let that go. That there is nothing about my illness that I can force to go away. There is nothing about it that is going to change. I was 34 when I was diagnosed, no good change came before then why would I believe it would change anything now.
Most important I can’t stand to watch people, who are not mentally ill, talk about and receive benefits for something when they could be out working to support themselves and often their families. I know I’m not supposed to say that and I know I’m not supposed to feel that way. But it makes me mad. I get up and go to work, I help to take care of my kids, I help those around me whenever I can. I suffer through the completely stupid lazy people I work with because I refuse to be defeated by my illness. And I firmly believe that if you are on meds, and the right meds, you feel better. You can handle life better. I also firmly believe that if you don’t feel that way that you a)have the wrong diagnosis or b) have the wrong meds. I truly believe that 99.9% of people who are taking their meds, seeking good doctors, have the right diagnosis, and go to counseling when needed are much more functional than they sometimes believe. There’s always a small portion that don’t have anything that works. But I believe it is in the vast majority of cases the individual that either likes attention and doesn’t want to be healthy or they enjoy telling people there is something wrong with them.
I talk about my bipolar often. But it’s not the first thing that I say to people in any situation or context. I have had several people reach out for information or facts about counseling, or mental illness. After I tell them it’s up to them. To me if you ask me about counseling or mental health then it’s up to you to make something happen. Sure we are all busy but you have to make it important. I never miss a visit with my psychiatrist. Even if I have to call into work because his appointments are 3 months out and I need to see him at my scheduled times. If you choose not to do something then you are choosing to live the way things are. That is no ones fault but your own. If you don’t take control over your mental and physical health no one else is going to do it for you. You have to be your best advocate and you have to make them listen if need be. Psycologists are the best. They are trained to test and evaluate and you get the closest you can get to a definite answer if you are evaluated by one.
I try to to laugh about my illness and my crazy moments as much as possible. But it isn’t a funny subject. It’s a subject that I deal with to some degree every day despite being medicated. I am constantly asking myself questions, wondering if I am over reacting, wondering why people don’t like me or why I constantly feel left out. These things are all very real to me, not to mention my baby moving out is always in the back of my mind. I never get a break. I never truly have quiet time because my mind is always working. But I keep getting up everyday and I keep taking care of my family, and going to my job, and trying to make a difference in my little corner of the world. I have good kids, even in the midst of being not medicated and often making extremely bad choices,I have good kids. If there is nothing else in this world that I do I can be proud that I love my kids, that they love each other, that they enjoy each other and are close and that they will go into the world knowing they can do anything that they want to do. Please don’t tell me you can’t get a job while medicated and seeing a therapist and I helped to raise 3 amazing kids not medicated for all of their young years.
It’s hard I get it. I know there are those that won’t like me anymore. But I honestly don’t care. Since when is it the people who work hard and do what they need to do that are the odd ones out. Why do we walk on eggshells so that the people scamming and using the systems aren’t offended. That doesn’t even almost make sense. And I for one am tired of it. I am tired of doing all the work and getting very little of the credit. I’m tired of doing the “right” thing and it not amounting to anything. I am tired of watching people abuse a system that was set up to help those who truly need help not people who want an excuse not to work or that use their problems to get money instead of working to overcome them. I am disgusted and it seems more everyday. I don’t want my kids to have to deal with people like this. I don’t want my kids to be overlooked, underpaid, and unappreciated because they are the ones that follow the rules and do the right thing. It’s not fair, I know no one said it would be, but it really isn’t fair. For as long as I can remember I have been able to easily define fairness. Of course I struggle with it as well and I miss things like everybody else. But I can seperate myself from pretty much any relationship I have in order to be as fair as possible to all involved. Not only do others not do that but I don’t even really think they try. I think they take advantage and will continue to do it until you make them stop. We should be allowed to stand up for ourselves. And as someone that is Bipolar and works her butt off to be stable and have normal interactions with people. I resent the hell out of people who use their illness for any reason and I believe I have just as much right to say that as they do to win and take money I am paying into the government to allow them to buy clothes, and drugs, and alcohol. that makes me mad and it should make you made too
Please be blessed!!i don’t shy away from confrontation so if you have something to say please feel free to do so. Otherwise, please find one good thing in your life today and do one thing that will get you closer to happy, healthy, and stable.