Author Archives: learningtobebipolar

Tell it like it is….

People like to think they want this. And most people like people who “shoot it straight” or “tell it like it is”. In theory this is awesome!! In theory those who tell it like it is should be listened to and respected simply because they live the truth. Many many things are just truth. They aren’t good or bad or anything really, just facts! 

Unfortunately, in practice people don’t like the truth. People don’t like confrontation, and people don’t like others who hold people accountable and demand something better.  No no one is perfect! Let’s establish that to start with. We should all live in a way that allows people to make mistakes but that also encourages them to grow. Just because I say to you something like “you aren’t doing that right” in context of work doesn’t mean I believe that person is stupid or incompetent it just means they need correction. There shouldn’t be anything wrong with that. 

The world often teaches us realists that there is something wrong with us. That somehow we don’t have the kindness and compassion of those around us. We often hear, “you shoot straight, and I like that, but maybe you could back it up just a little bit.” Or “I realize you can see things that need fixing but maybe you could say it without being so negative.” Well I am sorry that the true is so specific and factual. I mean what else did you want to hear from me. 

I have spent most of my life trying to be more nice. I thought it was important. I thought there was something wrong with me because I think the way I do and favor fact over kindness. Kindness is fleeting and it changes. Kindness can be faked and made into a lie. You pretty much don’t get that from people who are based in facts. I enjoy hearing others thoughts and outlooks and don’t get me wrong I believe God truly created us each differently for good reason. But I have never understood why people are so willing to accept kindness and less willing to accept fact. 

I am not a kind person. I don’t often do things just to be nice or kind. I do things for a reason and behind that reason is fact. I am nice to people all day in my job and I’m that way because I believe it makes a difference and because my tiny act can change a persons life. My comments can embolden or build up someone in no more time than it takes for most of us to eat a meal. I have been this way for as long as I can remember. I remember making the CHOICE to do things and act in certain ways because they make a difference or change a life. Because they are factual and tangible and I can hear and see them. 

I love the people in my life because I want to because I make a CHOICE to. Not always because they deserve it. Let’s face it all of us don’t deserve it sometimes. But I tend to cut to the point with my love the same way I do everything else. If I love you, I love you! I will most likely love you forever, for those few who lost my love, I promise you they deserved not to have me. 😂 I make love a choice and when I make that choice it’s a fact. It isn’t something that changes or comes and goes. Even when I’m mad I love you!! 

When I walked into work today for the third day and thought “I hate people”. I knew I had a problem. Something is off and I hate it when I can’t figure out what it is. I wonder if my meds are still working, I wonder if my anxiety is just up because it is a busy time of year. By busy I mean more days than not I have way too many things to do. I truly don’t know. But I know that something has to give or I might just go ahead and completely lose my mind. Ok so maybe that isn’t going to happen but man don’t you just hate it when you can feel it coming. 


Technology

We have a responsibility to teach our children, even if we don’t WANT to, and we as parents have to keep tabs and track of the apps they have and are using. As a parent of an almost 18 y/o and 2 preteens I am adamant that kids will do the right things and use approved apps and such. Of course sometimes they wander so that is why I know all password for everything at all times. Or I can walk and their room and tell them to unlock it for me. If they don’t they lose said device or devices until they are ready to give the password. The very best way we protect our children is by being honest and explaining to them the dangers and things that can happen. 
I do not believe that we can protect our children. I believe it’s a nice thought and something that many people go to great lengths to do. I believe this is more harmful over a lifetime then allowing and helping our children to use social media at appropriate ages. My son at 12 plays games where they can talk to each other over a headsets. I don’t do a lot of monitoring at this point because he basically has played the same games the last 5 years or so. Plus, I firmly believe that our children, unless already exposed to bad behavior and situations, act like children. If they go to school and cuss all day long you will definitely here that coming out at home. They don’t have enough control to hide to much of anything. Or they can for a little while but the truth always comes out. 

I don’t know where as a society we got the idea that our children should be protected From everything we can possibly protect them from. We are raising children that are scared and that have no idea what they believe or believe in. The first time they are confronted with something they have never heard or thought of their path is changed, sometimes for a period of time, and sometimes forever. 

I recently allowed my daughter, who is 11, to get her own Facebook. We have clear rules and she knows what they are. She is not allowed to add anyone that isn’t a family members or a friends from school. Thankfully I know who most of her friends are anyway because I spend time talking to her and listening to her talk about her life. Do I think at some point in the future there will be issues? Of course I do. But I also know that she will have the consequences of choices she made. Not decisions that I made for her. Don’t get me wrong, I want to protect her. I want her amazingly kind and generous spirit to never get lost or run over by life. But the truth is it will, if it hasn’t already. I have to help her learn how to interact in society. How to contribute. How to stand on her own when necessary and be who she is. 

These are all things I don’t really remember learning but that I know my Mom must have taught me. Or that there are many of them that I had to learn on my own. I didn’t know that my expectations of myself were not taught to the next person in line. I had to learn the hard way that people are damaged and broken and that some of them are basically out to get you. 

Protecting your child from everything only gives them a false sense of happiness and safety. I truly believe it harms their growth and that when they get out there in the real world it’s like they are babies who don’t know anything. And they are quickly blown one way or another because they don’t know what they stand for. I don’t expect everyone to agree with me. But I do expect people to listen to each other and consider other people’s perspectives. Odds are they didn’t come to those thoughts over night or easily. 

In the end I believe I am protection my children by teaching them and helping them make good choices at the place they are in now. My 17 y/o son is obnoxious and he tests me regularly. But I know that he loves me and I also know that there will come a day when he sees the strength that I have and the love that I have for everybody because I can see it in him. Of course, right now he hates and denies it. But I have learned to be patient and when it comes my reward will be great.  I also get to work at the same food place that my son works out. There is no greater compliment than to have multiple people tell you your son is a hard worker and seems to be a good kid. And it’s not just them it’s anybody that I know that has ever met him. Maybe people don’t agree with my thoughts and the way that my husband and I choose to handle our children. But having 4 amazingly talented, smart, and above all friendly kids is a pretty great thing. 

I am blessed that God found me worthy of these kids. That He trusted me to teach them and show them what it’s like to live a good life and stick up for those less fortunate. To do good and to love even the most unlovable because we all deserve love. 

Yes, we should do our best to protect our children. But we should also be teaching our children to make good choices, run from the things that will harm us, and surround ourselves we people who we love and that love us. There will never be a way from us to fully protect our children from the “bad” things in life. But we can do our best to teach them and to show how to handle these situations as they get older. So that when they are adults they have knowledge, ability, and courage to stand up for who and what they believe. And to KNOW what they believe and why so they don’t get swept away in the waves of life. 

Not sure if this all made sense. Was interrupted like 10 times. But I felt like it was important so here it is. Questions or thoughts are welcome!


Who I am

I’m not sure if who I am comes through on here but here’s a story. I got a random text today from someone I didn’t know. Usually I just delete and block people. Today I read the message And it was obviously a woman worried about her kids. I texted back and said I’m sorry you got the wrong number but this seems important so I wanted you to know. She was thankful and said it is very important. I asked her name and told her I would pray for her and her daughter. I also told her I know how hard it is when our kids are making bad choices so if she needed to talk she could message me anytime. This isn’t the first time I have done something like this and I know it won’t be the last. I’m not afraid of true. I’m not afraid of understanding how someone is thinking or feeling, even when I don’t always agree. This woman needed someone it’s like I could feel it through the text. 

Also, yesterday I made a Facebook post about a lady I used to work with that I love. She was so good to me. Sounds totally normal right? Well, not 30 minutes after I got to work today who shows up in my window but that lady. Keep in mind she lives one the other side of town and I only work at the time I work today 2 days a week. 

I don’t know how many people in the world have things like this happen to them. But it’s amazing AND kind of scary and a LOT creepy. I don’t know if this happens because being bipolar helps me be more intuned with my subconscious or my emotions. I don’t know if I have a faith in God that allows what HE wants to come through to my real life. I just know for as long as I ca n remember there are just things that I KNOW sometimes. I will know I need to make a call or go see someone. Very few people have ever believed my “feelings” either. It’s not a psychic thing if that’s what your thinking. It’s like the lady I told you about. I haven’t worked for her in years and I was just thinking about her yesterday. I’m not sure why but I know there’s a reason I was thinking about her and I saw her today. 

I think that’s enough for one day. I will be trying to keep up better and letting y’all in on some of my life and secrets to staying stable. Be blessed and have a great weekend!!


Lately

I have had no less than 10 people tell me they are bipolar in the last 2 years!!obviously people do not understand what it really is. It’s not a feeling it’s a way of life. I get tired of the stereotype. I get tired that people would somehow diminish my condition by believing it’s just a mood swing or a bad mood. If you are bipolar and not medicated then go to the doctor and get yourself the help you need. 
I know there is no way that I could possibly explain the sometimes debilitating anxiety or the fact some days it’s all you can do to finish the day while you watch your family suffer because of you. I know that it’s not really that way. That they help me and love me because of me. Because of my caring heart and concern for people in general. I probably tell my husband some of the thoughts in my head about once week, just to see if it sounds normal or not. I like the fact that I can talk to him and that he will be honest with me but not be mean about it. I cherish him for this!!

A friend of mine and I were talking about being self aware and aware of your surroundings. She said, “well they say ignorance is bliss”. I have never really stopped to ponder that before but it is so true. If you have no personal experience and knowledge with our military you don’t worry about what it is doing and how our troops are treated. If you have no personal direct contact with someone who is truly bipolar or mentally ill you can’t possibly know what it is like. Both to be the sick person and to live and love the sick person. There are a lot of things I don’t have personal knowledge of and many of them I pray I never have to find out. 

On a personal note. My oldest son is now a Senior in high school. I have already decided I will probably be crying on the night of his first football game. I thought I might try to talk myself out of it but then I thought you know what it’s ok for me to shed a few tears for my baby. He is one of the most amazing people I know. He is kind, loving, hard working, and sincere and he is so funny when he wants to be. We work at the same place but at different times. Almost every person has told me that he’s a good worker and seems like a good kid. I did that. We did that. I will always be proud of how we have raised our kids and how amazing each of them is. I was unmedicated for 15 years of my oldests life. I may have have failed at a lot of things but I didn’t fail at this. I am excited to see what the future holds and all the great things that’s will happen. 


I don’t like this

There are so many positives I can find for being Bipolar. But today isn’t one of the days where I have the strength to do that. I am sitting in my car crying because of something my boss said to me. And it really wasn’t even bad. I kind of feel like I am drowning and there’s nothing I can do to fix it. I’m so pissed at my doctors stupid nurse who is a complete flake. As per the usual I am back on the merry go round and I hate it!! All I want to do is be normal. I want to have normal thoughts and feelings. I don’t want to have to TRY so hard just to do normal things. Like now. I can’t stop crying. I’m not sure why. But it’s almost like the more I tell myself to get it together the worse it gets. I don’t want to be the person that people feel sorry for. I’m tired of blowing things out of proportion and not understanding what people are talking about. I’m tired of people feeling like they have to treat me with kid gloves. I’m tired of the way I do things being wrong ALL of the time. I’m tired of people thinking they know me or know better what I should be doing. All I want to do is live my life without the constant background noise. Without feeling the need to “fix” the things around me. Without feeling like I am hurrying to get somewhere, but there’s no where to go. I feel like I am probably missing out on right now because I am always onto the next thing. I am frustrated today for about a thousand reasons. This is not a good day!! But I will get myself together and go back to work and keep fighting. Even when I don’t really want to. 


Never More Apparent

I have started to realize that my differences are never more apparent than when I am with other people. And groups of like 10 or more people. I don’t really know why but I always notice little things that are just so different for me. People often joke around and laugh and make fun of each other. But it’s like I do it the wrong way or something. Or I say things I shouldn’t. I’m not totally convinced that this is Bipolar thing, I think it may just be a human thing. But I’m not really sure because it’s a rather strange conversation to start. 

Anyway, I often find myself breaking down every word of every conversation to figure out where I went wrong. My sister and I were talking the other day and she was talking about some of the “bad” things she had done or got away with in middle and high school. It was a very strange conversation for me. I found myself sitting there thinking how come she doesn’t seem to feel bad or it’s more of a funny teenager thing. It confuses me. I have carried so many things around with me for so many years that I’m not sure I ever should have been carrying. Maybe a little part of that is true for all of us but mostly it’s like I can see that I have held on to things that I have no business holding onto. Things that only prove to keep me from being and doing great things. How much stronger will I be if I can let myself off the hook for those things that I did in my youth. If I can let the past go and allow myself to be thankful and proud of what I have and have done. 

I am realizing that this is what I tell people all the time. You aren’t the sum of your mistakes, you are better and stronger and greater than the very worst thing you think you have ever done. I guess that’s where the Bipolar part comes in.  I spent almost 20 years stuck on these things. I knew logically that I am smart, kind, friendly, loving, and nurturing but I FELT like my mistakes were what truly defined me. When I wondered what other people think of me I always assume the worst, I always think that what I have done is worse than any other person on the planet(how completely self gradising) and that I am the worst person ever. 

Sometimes I wish I could have a running dictation of my thoughts. (Actually I’ve thought about carrying a tape recorder around and just saying everything out loud). It’s like sometimes they go so fast I can’t hold on to them long enough to really evaluate what they are and what their purpose is. So if I have them all on paper I can SEE them and then I can really start working on changing the ones that need to be changed. I know even as I have thoughts sometimes that they are irrational and that I am being too hard on myself. Or that for example, I believe God gave me my oldest son to save me from many of the bad reactions of a bipolar person.  Wasn’t able to go too far off the deep end because I always had him. But then I’m ashamed that I got pregnant before I was a married and I somehow believe that makes me so much worse than those people around me. It’s not like I don’t know that a little insane but it’s still the way I feel. Logically I can point out all the reasons that I should let it go, or feel the blessing that my son is at the same time I am sad about my mistake. That probably doesn’t make sense. I think I don’t know how to say what I am trying to say. I just want to be able to put the good and the bad in their correct places. I guess maybe that’s the point. That many things in life aren’t black and white, that God uses even our greatest mistakes for HIs glory and forgiveness for the sin comes before we even realize we have sinned. 

All those logical thoughts and characteristics are actually true. They aren’t a different part of me but are in fact the best part of me. The part that God wants me to always let shine and that He wants us to remember even when we are imperfect. God wants us to look at Him so that we don’t have time to look at ourselves and our dirtiness. He wants us to seek to become more like him and through that we become less of ourselves and more of hHim. And as we become more like him we need and desire the things of this world less and less. I still see the differences. I still wish I was a little more natural in group situations. I wish that I didn’t feel like I have to be the one that stands up and stands out. But I do. Somewhere a long the line people have stopped standing up and they have started being quiet. Just because I say something you don’t like doesn’t mean that it isn’t true or that it isn’t something that should be focused on a little more. I’m sure this will always be who I am. I am working on accepting that and learning how to control and use my gift without making things awkward or hurting the people around me. I know I will never get it exactly right but I look forward to learning more about myself and teaching myself how to use my gifts in the best way possible. 
Be blessed!! And Happy Memorial Day! I will be posting tomorrow or Monday on what Memorial Day means tome. 


Fair Warning

If you are reading then you are going forward with the knowledge that you have been warned. I know some, maybe most of you are not going to agree with what I am about to say. I am an extremely logical person. I like facts and I like things that make sense within the confines of their bigger issue. 

Having said that I swear if I read a post about someone just getting better from being bipolar, or “I just stopped taking my meds and I have never felt better”, or my favorite ” you have to have faith in God and then He will heal you.” First off I absolutely believe that God can and does heal people of seemingly impossible infirmities and illnesses. I also think they are awesome stories to share, but please don’t are me feel like I don’t have enough faith because I am not healed. I’m sorry but no one will ever convince me that they are truly bipolar and just got better, or just stopped taking meds and things were fine. I believe these things occur but I believe there is reason for them, usually that you weren’t bipolar or begin with or you were diagnosed a child and never should have been. 

Admittedly I am probably on the high functioning side but like many other things in my life somehow people think that makes it not as bad or something. Truthfully, I honestly believe only difference between me and most people is that I have an amazing family and mom and dad. My Mom has always been there to help and try to guide me, even when I wasn’t at all worthy of her love. I believe my dysfunction is something that was mitigated by good parents that are good people. You can’t help but learn those things when it’s there every day of your life. It does bother me that people seem to hang on so tightly to their, “I can’t “, or “I was just in the hospital for the 10th time.” I know that I am not supposed to get aggravated because I don’t know these people or what their walk is like. But good grief while mental illness is highly subjective it in many ways is based in facts of human nature. 

If you have been in the hospital 10 times you either aren’t taking care of yourself and making good choices, or you have crappy doctors that aren’t doing a thing for you. Why do I know this??? I know this because the day I was told my diagnosis I knew I needed to find a doctor and get on meds and probably needed to do some counseling. That hasn’t changed almost 2 years later. Sure sometimes I feel numb but why would I want to hurt the people around me just to feel good.  Because I know I need meds I will for the rest of my life make sure that I have them and take them like I am supposed to. I believe that is what God wants me to do and I believe I glorify Him everytime I choose to take my meds instead of convince myself I’m ok. 

Don’t get me wrong I absolutely believe there are those people who need to be hospitalized and need a lot of help. But I have seen people who have been told they have every condition under the sun make changes and learn to live in a different way. And guess what??? They are either completely med free or only on a anti depressant. But they are happy and healthy and they are enjoying life in a way they never have before.  I am not that person. It doesn’t matter how long or how often I try to force myself to be better it doesn’t happen without my meds. I have always behaved and thought in a way that I could simply force things to happen by sheer will. I am having to learn that I have to let that go. That there is nothing about my illness that I can force to go away. There is nothing about it that is going to change. I was 34 when I was diagnosed, no good change came before then why would I believe it would change anything now. 

Most important I can’t stand to watch people, who are not mentally ill, talk about and receive benefits for something when they could be out working to support themselves and often their families. I know I’m not supposed to say that and I know I’m not supposed to feel that way. But it makes me mad. I get up and go to work, I help to take care of my kids, I help those around me whenever I can. I suffer through the completely stupid lazy people I work with because I refuse to be defeated by my illness. And I firmly believe that if you are on meds, and the right meds, you feel better. You can handle life better. I also firmly believe that if you don’t feel that way that you a)have the wrong diagnosis or b) have the wrong meds. I truly believe that 99.9% of people who are taking their meds, seeking good doctors, have the right diagnosis, and go to counseling when needed are much more functional than they sometimes believe. There’s always a small portion that don’t have anything that works. But I believe it is in the vast majority of cases the individual that either likes attention and doesn’t want to be healthy or they enjoy telling people there is something wrong with them. 

I talk about my bipolar often. But it’s not the first thing that I say to people in any situation or context. I have had several people reach out for information or facts about counseling, or mental illness. After I tell them it’s up to them. To me if you ask me about counseling or mental health then it’s up to you to make something happen. Sure we are all busy but you have to make it important. I never miss a visit with my psychiatrist. Even if I have to call into work because his appointments are 3 months out and I need to see him at my scheduled times. If you choose not to do something then you are choosing to live the way things are. That is no ones fault but your own. If you don’t take control over your mental and physical health no one else is going to do it for you. You have to be your best advocate and you have to make them listen if need be. Psycologists are the best. They are trained to test and evaluate and you get the closest you can get to a definite answer if you are evaluated by one. 

I try to to laugh about my illness and my crazy moments as much as possible. But it isn’t a funny subject. It’s a subject that I deal with to some degree every day despite being medicated. I am constantly asking myself questions, wondering if I am over reacting, wondering why people don’t like me or why I constantly feel left out. These things are all very real to me, not to mention my baby moving out is always in the back of my mind. I never get a break. I never truly have quiet time because my mind is always working. But I keep getting up everyday and I keep taking care of my family, and going to my job, and trying to make a difference in my little corner of the world. I have good kids, even in the midst of being not medicated and often making extremely bad choices,I have good kids. If there is nothing else in this world that I do I can be proud that I love my kids, that they love each other, that they enjoy each other and are close and that they will go into the world knowing they can do anything that they want to do. Please don’t tell me you can’t get a job while medicated and seeing a therapist and I helped to raise 3 amazing kids not medicated for all of their young years. 

It’s hard I get it. I know there are those that won’t like me anymore. But I honestly don’t care. Since when is it the people who work hard and do what they need to do that are the odd ones out. Why do we walk on eggshells so that the people scamming and using the systems aren’t offended. That doesn’t even almost make sense. And I for one am tired of it. I am tired of doing all the work and getting very little of the credit. I’m tired of doing the “right” thing and it not amounting to anything. I am tired of watching people abuse a system that was set up to help those who truly need help not people who want an excuse not to work or that use their problems to get money instead of working to overcome them. I am disgusted and it seems more everyday. I don’t want my kids to have to deal with people like this. I don’t want my kids to be overlooked, underpaid, and unappreciated because they are the ones that follow the rules and do the right thing. It’s not fair, I know no one said it would be, but it really isn’t fair. For as long as I can remember I have been able to easily define fairness. Of course I struggle with it as well and I miss things like everybody else. But I can seperate myself from pretty much any relationship I have in order to be as fair as possible to all involved. Not only do others not do that but I don’t even really think they try. I think they take advantage and will continue to do it until you make them stop. We should be allowed to stand up for ourselves. And as someone that is Bipolar and works her butt off to be stable and have normal interactions with people. I resent the hell out of people who use their illness for any reason and I believe I have just as much right to say that as they do to win and take money I am paying into the government to allow them to buy clothes, and drugs, and alcohol. that makes me mad and it should make you made too

Please be blessed!!i don’t  shy away from confrontation so if you have something to say please feel free to do so. Otherwise, please find one good thing in your life today and do one thing that will get you closer to happy, healthy, and stable. 


Fair Warning

If you are reading then you are going forward with the knowledge that you have been warned. I know some, maybe most of you are not going to agree with what I am about to say. I am an extremely logical person. I like facts and I like things that make sense within the confines of their bigger issue. 

Having said that I swear if I read a post about someone just getting better from being bipolar, or “I just stopped taking my meds and I have never felt better”, or my favorite ” you have to have faith in God and then He will heal you.” First off I absolutely believe that God can and does heal people of seemingly impossible infirmities and illnesses. I also think they are awesome stories to share, but please don’t are me feel like I don’t have enough faith because I am not healed. I’m sorry but no one will ever convince me that they are truly bipolar and just got better, or just stopped taking meds and things were fine. I believe these things occur but I believe there is reason for them, usually that you weren’t bipolar or begin with or you were diagnosed a child and never should have been. 

Admittedly I am probably on the high functioning side but like many other things in my life somehow people think that makes it not as bad or something. Truthfully, I honestly believe only difference between me and most people is that I have an amazing family and mom and dad. My Mom has always been there to help and try to guide me, even when I wasn’t at all worthy of her love. I believe my dysfunction is something that was mitigated by good parents that are good people. You can’t help but learn those things when it’s there every day of your life. It does bother me that people seem to hang on so tightly to their, “I can’t “, or “I was just in the hospital for the 10th time.” I know that I am not supposed to get aggravated because I don’t know these people or what their walk is like. But good grief while mental illness is highly subjective it in many ways is based in facts of human nature. 

If you have been in the hospital 10 times you either aren’t taking care of yourself and making good choices, or you have crappy doctors that aren’t doing a thing for you. Why do I know this??? I know this because the day I was told my diagnosis I knew I needed to find a doctor and get on meds and probably needed to do some counseling. That hasn’t changed almost 2 years later. Sure sometimes I feel numb but why would I want to hurt the people around me just to feel good.  Because I know I need meds I will for the rest of my life make sure that I have them and take them like I am supposed to. I believe that is what God wants me to do and I believe I glorify Him everytime I choose to take my meds instead of convince myself I’m ok. 

Don’t get me wrong I absolutely believe there are those people who need to be hospitalized and need a lot of help. But I have seen people who have been told they have every condition under the sun make changes and learn to live in a different way. And guess what??? They are either completely med free or only on a anti depressant. But they are happy and healthy and they are enjoying life in a way they never have before.  I am not that person. It doesn’t matter how long or how often I try to force myself to be better it doesn’t happen without my meds. I have always behaved and thought in a way that I could simply force things to happen by sheer will. I am having to learn that I have to let that go. That there is nothing about my illness that I can force to go away. There is nothing about it that is going to change. I was 34 when I was diagnosed, no good change came before then why would I believe it would change anything now. 

Most important I can’t stand to watch people, who are not mentally ill, talk about and receive benefits for something when they could be out working to support themselves and often their families. I know I’m not supposed to say that and I know I’m not supposed to feel that way. But it makes me mad. I get up and go to work, I help to take care of my kids, I help those around me whenever I can. I suffer through the completely stupid lazy people I work with because I refuse to be defeated by my illness. And I firmly believe that if you are on meds, and the right meds, you feel better. You can handle life better. I also firmly believe that if you don’t feel that way that you a)have the wrong diagnosis or b) have the wrong meds. I truly believe that 99.9% of people who are taking their meds, seeking good doctors, have the right diagnosis, and go to counseling when needed are much more functional than they sometimes believe. There’s always a small portion that don’t have anything that works. But I believe it is in the vast majority of cases the individual that either likes attention and doesn’t want to be healthy or they enjoy telling people there is something wrong with them. 

I talk about my bipolar often. But it’s not the first thing that I say to people in any situation or context. I have had several people reach out for information or facts about counseling, or mental illness. After I tell them it’s up to them. To me if you ask me about counseling or mental health then it’s up to you to make something happen. Sure we are all busy but you have to make it important. I never miss a visit with my psychiatrist. Even if I have to call into work because his appointments are 3 months out and I need to see him at my scheduled times. If you choose not to do something then you are choosing to live the way things are. That is no ones fault but your own. If you don’t take control over your mental and physical health no one else is going to do it for you. You have to be your best advocate and you have to make them listen if need be. Psycologists are the best. They are trained to test and evaluate and you get the closest you can get to a definite answer if you are evaluated by one. 

I try to to laugh about my illness and my crazy moments as much as possible. But it isn’t a funny subject. It’s a subject that I deal with to some degree every day despite being medicated. I am constantly asking myself questions, wondering if I am over reacting, wondering why people don’t like me or why I constantly feel left out. These things are all very real to me, not to mention my baby moving out is always in the back of my mind. I never get a break. I never truly have quiet time because my mind is always working. But I keep getting up everyday and I keep taking care of my family, and going to my job, and trying to make a difference in my little corner of the world. I have good kids, even in the midst of being not medicated and often making extremely bad choices,I have good kids. If there is nothing else in this world that I do I can be proud that I love my kids, that they love each other, that they enjoy each other and are close and that they will go into the world knowing they can do anything that they want to do. Please don’t tell me you can’t get a job while medicated and seeing a therapist and I helped to raise 3 amazing kids not medicated for all of their young years. 

It’s hard I get it. I know there are those that won’t like me anymore. But I honestly don’t care. Since when is it the people who work hard and do what they need to do that are the odd ones out. Why do we walk on eggshells so that the people scamming and using the systems aren’t offended. That doesn’t even almost make sense. And I for one am tired of it. I am tired of doing all the work and getting very little of the credit. I’m tired of doing the “right” thing and it not amounting to anything. I am tired of watching people abuse a system that was set up to help those who truly need help not people who want an excuse not to work or that use their problems to get money instead of working to overcome them. I am disgusted and it seems more everyday. I don’t want my kids to have to deal with people like this. I don’t want my kids to be overlooked, underpaid, and unappreciated because they are the ones that follow the rules and do the right thing. It’s not fair, I know no one said it would be, but it really isn’t fair. For as long as I can remember I have been able to easily define fairness. Of course I struggle with it as well and I miss things like everybody else. But I can seperate myself from pretty much any relationship I have in order to be as fair as possible to all involved. Not only do others not do that but I don’t even really think they try. I think they take advantage and will continue to do it until you make them stop. We should be allowed to stand up for ourselves. And as someone that is Bipolar and works her butt off to be stable and have normal interactions with people. I resent the hell out of people who use their illness for any reason and I believe I have just as much right to say that as they do to win and take money I am paying into the government to allow them to buy clothes, and drugs, and alcohol. that makes me mad and it should make you made too

Please be blessed!!i don’t  shy away from confrontation so if you have something to say please feel free to do so. Otherwise, please find one good thing in your life today and do one thing that will get you closer to happy, healthy, and stable. 


Tired

I’m tired today! There’s so much going on with the end of school and the beginning of summer. It has occurred to me today that I very well might spend the rest of my life feeling left out and out of place. It’s a very sobering thought. One thing is for sure. People have no problem putting words and feelings in your mouth or using you for whatever you are willing to give. I always thought doing the right thing and a good job meant you were somehow different. Turns out you are different it’s just not in the way you thought. Turns out your value sways with the wind and is an ever changing thing. I have felt this many times in my life. I have looked around and watched the people around me break the rules or do down thing wrong and maybe they don’t get rewarded but they certainly aren’t punished and it would seem sometimes that they have good things that come to them. I don’t know how to be a different person. I don’t know how to position myself in a way that I only do “part” of my job or even “just” my job. Truth is I do the work of two or three people often and sometimes more than that. And while there is value, maybe even money attached to that, it’s hrs to look around and watch the world passing you by. I honestly do not know how to do “just my job”. I don’t know how many times people have told me that, but I truly don’t get it. I feel like whatever I can and am able to do is MY job. Which usually means I’m saving someone else’s behind or doing a job that isn’t technically in my job description. I didn’t know people don’t do that. I didn’t know that doing the right thing only gets you feeling used and hurt by those around you. I didn’t know that the very thing I love would become something that would cause me so much pain. I’m really not good at a lot of things. Being bipolar severely limits the kinds of jobs that I can do. But I believe, and my husband will tell you, there is no one better at customer service than me. Other people see it too. People in my life probably don’t believe that I have actually been told I’m too nice. Lol. I LOVE people. I love to chat with them, I love making them feel special, and I love “seeing” them when all around them people aren’t even paying attention. I love the genuine happiness I feel when I tough customer finally starts to come out of their shell. There are a couple old men that come to the restaurant every week. I always said hi and checked on them and they always just barely moved their head and gave one word answers. Two weeks ago I went out to say hi to them and they said hi and WAVED to me. I was so excited! This past week they waved at me as they left as I was working in the back that day. I’ve had job offers, I’ve been given career advice, I have a woman that collects Coke stuff just like me and she has brought me several things to add to my collections. I have so many customers that I look for and that I notice when I haven’t seen them in a while. Some have become sort of like a family. I have a lady that asks about me every time that she is there. I don’t know if this is something that every person who works customer service has or if it is a select few. But I can tell you this I have had some amazing conversations with people. I have talked politics, religion, and just about everything else with one person or another and I receive so much from them. This was supposed to be my thing, the place where I fit in and am accepted. Turns out that me being so open about being bipolar is probably not the correct track. But I refuse to be ashamed and I refuse to try to be someone that I am not. So I will keep doing my job to the best of my ability. If someone has an issue I hope they will come to me. But if they don’t that’s ok too. I will continue to try to live love and respect and kindness even though so many people don’t anymore and further than that believe that I am somehow fake. I’m not fake this is me. I live strongly. I live loud. I live proud of who I am, what God has made me, and what He has so obviously changed and given me in life. I will always consider myself someone that can make a person smile, or help try to give them the value that they are so obviously lacking. I will take the love that I am given and use it to love even more. Everybody deserves love and at the end of the day if I have loved one person in a way that impacts their life, if even for a moment, than I have accomplished my goal and I have won a greater battle than what my status is. No one can take that from me. I can be hurt, but no one can break me. I am a wonderful living, caring, considerate, hard-working, punctual, organized princess of God. And not a single soul can ever take that away because I carry it inside me and hold on with all my strength. 


Sometimes I do things that even I think are crazy

I have this undeniable urge to butt in….sometimes in places where I don’t belong. It’s not that I mean to hurt anyone or  want to cause drama. Although that does happen from time to time. I just have this ability to seperate myself from situations and say what needs to be said without being overly hateful or mean. I’m sure there are people who believe I am mean and out of line. But to me if you proclaim to be something than you back it up and accept criticism when necessary. You don’t have to like it but if someone has a good point you are kind of obligated to at least try to change. I know it’s not always easy and it probably shouldn’t be, real change takes time and is often painful. 

I say this because of the way I heard about some people treating their family members and their children. It’s not right and it’s one of those things that makes me want to do something. I was also thinking today about how there are so many things that I have made negative in my life. Things that really are not probably not positive or negative they just are. I think I have spent most of my life being so negative about so many things. Like tank tops. I have felt a small amount of guilt wearing them for as long as I can remember. Today as a specifically look at that clothing I tell myself you must have lost your mind. There is nothing wrong with that shirt why do you always feel so bad. The list could probably go on forever. It isn’t really something I have spent much time thinking about much less trying to change. But I have learned that when I kno w what to look for it is easier for me to change my personal dialog. 

I always knew my thoughts in many ways, although mostly personally, lend to the negative side. It isn’t something I have ever spent much time thinking about as I figure it was just the way it is. I didn’t know that every person doesn’t live that way. Which is why it is so important to me that people even try to understand the effects of mental illness. Plus, I’m that highly highly functional person. Had I not be forced I most likely never would have been tested. And as far as I’m concerned there are very few circumstances where people with mental illness can’t contribute to society and be productive. I know to some that isn’t the most acceptable answer but mental illness isn’t a crutch or excuse it’s an illness.  If you are taking meds and they aren’t working talk to your doctor and change something up. If you aren’t as certain as you can be about your diagnosis find a way to be certain. I’ve always said it takes baby steps. And it is so interesting that that ow has come full circle to myself. If you aren’t actively working on even one aspect of your illness than you are not living the life you were meant to live and you will never ind happiness. 

I want these things so I search for them and I am learning how to get them for myself. I will keep working the rest of my life and I will always have times when things get a little hard for me and I have to pull back. But I am not hopeless or helpless and I for one will choose to stay that way. 

Be blessed!