Author Archives: Hypomanic Mama

11 Celebrities with Bipolar Disorder

Came across this list want wanted to share. Mel Gibson is on there. Not thrilled to have his as an example of Bipolar

http://m.fame10.com/entertainment/11-celebrities-with-bipolar-disorder/?utm_source=facebook&utm_campaign=fame10&utm_medium=cpc


Any Concerta users out there?

So I am on Concerta 72 mg. My husband thinks I am wrong (little does he realize I am never wrong) but I swear my body odor has changed. Not that I’m a stinky mess but it’s almost like my body chemistry is altered and created a stronger smell emanating from my pores.

Anyone else have a similar experience?


ANYONE, ANYONE, BUELLER, BUELLER

So this will be a short and quick thought. Am I the only one who takes out their bin of medication, pour out your dosages, look into your hand and just sigh. I sigh because I’m overcome with conflicting emotion. I’m thinking, this is my life, contained in these little brown bottles but I’m ok with. I’m getting the help I need and I have lots of reasons to be sane. On the other hand I think, this is what I’ve become, Little pills and brown bottles.

Besides the fact that I am blessed with a new CVS technician that laughs and says “wow, that’s the most prescriptions I’ve seen for one person!” (Note, if you didn’t pick up that sarcasm, I’m not the blogger for you, go away). I often find myself self conscious about the number of bottles in my arsenal.

Then I think about what my options are. I can opt to not take medication, be on a bum roller coaster having major mania followed by loooong bouts of depression, make reckless decisions that will haunt me forever, jump from job to job, alienate myself from everyone I love, run from visions that don’t exist and bring myself to the point where I question why I am even here. Or I can take a bunch of pills a few times a day and try to grow and learn. Today I’m happy I chose pills. Even though it makes me feel one step closer to Aldous Huxleys ‘Brave New World’ if taking these little effects daily, I’m on board.

That is all.


A**hole Magnet

Did you ever have one of those days that make you think you are surrounded by every asshole within a 500 mile radius?  Yeah, that was my day today.  After being told to F*** myself by a motorcyclist that was stopped in the middle of an intersection, I turned to my husband and asked, “Is it me or them?”

I learned awhile ago that it isn’t always them.  This lesson came in the form of my ex-fiance.  He was prone to confrontations with people, always ready for a fight.  He was always up in arms about the incompetence of the people around him and how it is everyone else’s fault but his.  Being on the outside looking in, I saw that it wasn’t them, it was him.

I started to see that I was quick to make that same assumption, that it was everyone else not me.  I try to reflect on situations that seem like it is everyone against me and question myself.  Am I feeling edgy?  Would I react this way under different circumstances?

There are definitely days that people suck just a lil’ bit more.  It is just important to know when to take a walk and get your shit together.  In my case, take a klonopin and breath.


A**hole Magnet

Did you ever have one of those days that make you think you are surrounded by every asshole within a 500 mile radius?  Yeah, that was my day today.  After being told to F*** myself by a motorcyclist that was stopped in the middle of an intersection, I turned to my husband and asked, “Is it me or them?”

I learned awhile ago that it isn’t always them.  This lesson came in the form of my ex-fiance.  He was prone to confrontations with people, always ready for a fight.  He was always up in arms about the incompetence of the people around him and how it is everyone else’s fault but his.  Being on the outside looking in, I saw that it wasn’t them, it was him.

I started to see that I was quick to make that same assumption, that it was everyone else not me.  I try to reflect on situations that seem like it is everyone against me and question myself.  Am I feeling edgy?  Would I react this way under different circumstances?

There are definitely days that people suck just a lil’ bit more.  It is just important to know when to take a walk and get your shit together.  In my case, take a klonopin and breath.


It’s not you, it’s me

I recently received a text from my therapist telling me that he feels I have a lack of interest in perusing treatment and when I feel like making my appointments to give him a call. I am not being dramatic, that is what he TEXTED me.

My initial response was shock quickly followed by anger then uncontrollable laughter. Had I just been dumped by my therapist? Yes, yes I had.

This therapist had some boundary issues. He told me in our second session that he was bipolar and that e has been hospitalized numerous times. At first, this made me feel better. Who better to treat you than someone who has intimate knowledge of what you are going through, right?

Then I started to see all the things that I wanted to change about myself in him. Frequent tardiness, forgetting we had appointments, cutting my appointment short because he accidentally booked another patient during my time and so on.

The majority of our sessions consisted of him telling me stories from his life. When I would bring up topics of concern for me, his advice was usually run away from it. Logical me knew that this was bad advice and behaviors I wanted to change about myself. I always ran away when I was on the verge of failures. But illogical me told myself that I was getting the green light for these behaviors from a health care professional.

This text came after I left his waiting room after waiting for 20 minutes while he was with another patient during our scheduled time. I was particularly antsy that day but as usual I granted him allowances because he was Bipolar and I’ve been there. While waiting for my turn to go in, he then had his patient call in her two children who were waiting outside to join the session. At that point, I was out of there.

I’m not heartless. I know emergencies come up but at least show me the courtesy of popping your head out and acknowledging I am waiting and you’ll be with me shortly.

He text me after I left and asked where I went and I told him I had left after the two children joined the session. Then he became defensive. Now I have near mastered the art of quick draw defensiveness to hide my mistakes and his responses showed me that is exactly what he was doing.

I suppose in the end, I’m grateful he “dumped” me. I knew it was a bad relationship and he was enabling me. I just felt bad discontinuing treatment with him. I thought he would feel I made the choice because he told me he was Bipolar too.

So here I am, on the hunt for a new therapist but I’ll always remember the time I got text dumped by my therapist.


Bipolar Disorder for those on the outside

Podcasts often keep me company during bouts of insomnia or when I want to quiet the voices in my head.  Specifically, I listen to a suite of podcasts from How Stuff Works.  One show in particular, Stuff You Should Know came out with an amazing podcast that broke down Bipolar Disorder in a way that people on the outside could understand.

I was struggling to get my family to understand that my nervous breakdown wasn’t just a cop out.  I really lost my ability to process anything.  They never talked to me about it and when I brought it up, things got weird really quick and the conversation quickly changed.  

I forwarded this podcast to my sisters and mother for them to listen to.  They put it off for days until I was finally borderline rude/insistent.  The podcast helped them understand a little better from a third party in terms they could understand, what I was going through.  It opened dialog about my diagnosis.

So I wanted to pass this along to you.  Maybe you have someone that just cant seem to wrap their head around your diagnosis, maybe you just want someone to understand a little better.  Regardless, its worth a listen.

http://www.stuffyoushouldknow.com/podcasts/how-bipolar-disorder-works/


Whoo, That Smell!

Well I was able to get a solid hour of sleep last night, GO ME!  

With a new day here and a manic gleam in my eye, I’ve pledged to do something today that I haven’t done in a bit…..shower.  Yup I know, scowl in disgust, its cool.  I’ve grossed myself out as well.  Its been about a week since I showered last because I just can’t muster up the energy to go through the motions.  Every time I look towards the bathroom and think about it, I’m just overcome with a wave of exhaustion and I tell myself I will do it later.  

I know I’m not the only one out there that has put it off, which brings me a little comfort.  To my disgusting credit I know I am not walking around stanky.  How do I know this?  I make my husband funk check me.  Wow, I cannot believe I’m sharing this.

Well there you have it, my funky little secret.


Dreadful sound of early morning birds

Over the years of sleepless nights, I have done many things to keep myself occupied, always watching the clock, feelings the anxiety build up that I have lost yet another night of sleep. The one thing that sticks with me is the sound of early morning chirping birds. The sweet song that should bring a smile on my face actually fills me with dread and anxiety, like a clock tolling on an hour that will crush me.

At this moment, I’m wondering how good my aim will be from my living room window to that fucking morning dove taunting me across the street.

**disclaimer – I would never actually harm an animal**


Shit, I’m in the thick of it

Well, after my husband just came downstairs bewildered that I was still awake and working on my laptop, I rattled off a slew of word vomit.  I couldn’t believe I just said so many things in such a short period of time and what the hell was I even talking about?  At that moment, I realized, Shit, I’m in the thick of a manic episode.  

Well that’s just great.  Can’t take a klonopin now because it’s 3am here and my kids will start waking up in 3 and a half hours.  And when the hell did this happen!  I was fine this afternoon, trying to muster up enough energy to go pee.  Just like that BOOM.  I am suddenly aware of everything. 

No wonder I got lost in a WordPress rabbit hole.  Had I become so excited to feel a therapeutic sense by reading other peoples stories, thoughts, and feelings?  Thinking about it and as you might now, thinking about something, in fact many things, isn’t a problem for me right now, I think I know the trigger.

Today, my husband took our kids to see his family at his parent’s house.  I avoid going to his side’s family functions at all costs.  They aren’t a fan of me (long story but finding out I am Bipolar didn’t help).  My husband has OCD and Major Depressive Disorder.  He is on Disability through Social Security because his OCD is so debilitating.  His family thinks it is something that he should just suck up and move on from.  He came home really depressed and I can tell by his face that something had happened to make him feel lower than he felt when he left home.  Of course, my mother in law steered conversation into my husband getting a job and that he really needs to start looking for work, which sent him into a panic and a bunch of other emotions that follow it.

Now I am left to take care of the mess she made, again.  I don’t consider my husband a mess but being his support person, I feel like its my responsibility to help him get on the right path.  While I spit out uplifting things, I fought the urge to call my mother in law and lose.my.shit.  His family refuses to acknowledge this as a disease.  They refuse to educate themselves.  They think, oh he has OCD, he needs to wash his hands and keep things in a certain way.  Being particular and being OCD are two very VERY different things.

My husband is a slave to his spiraling thoughts.  The most insignificant thing will fester and grow until it is in the darkest place you can imagine.  All the while being weighed down by gut wrenching guilt for feeling the way he feels and that he is letting his family down.

I am very much a mama cat, fuck with my family and my tea kettle of anger starts to bubble over.  I take a walk, smoke far too many cigarettes, tell myself it will just make my husband worse and come home.  I put the babies to bed, my husband was fast asleep. With my mind racing I jumped online and the next thing I knew, it was 3am.  

My hearts racing, my minds going, and I’m thinking about all the things I need to do RIGHT NOW.  So far so good, my ass is planted on the couch, with my laptop that is burning my thighs (note to self, look into laptop cooling pad).  

Here’s to hoping this passes sooner rather than later.