Author Archives: FL Jones

Beware Of Flying Boot


"You'll come running back to me..."

Things got a little ugly around here from the stress, I actually lost it, and finally went off like a naughty person. Ugly words were exchanged, but I made no apologies for my outburst that was building and coming for a long fucking time. I've been holding a lot of shit in to keep the peace, but had to let it out for FFS - finally - because I have my limits too. There was a moment as to which direction the heavy boots was holding, and that I was going to put on, were going to fly: in the direction of someone's head, or toward the area of a door. They pretty much hit the door, lucky for the spouse.

I can't remember throwing something that potentially painful, if you were on the receiving end, for a longass fucking time, so you can only imagine how many months to a year or so I've been letting things sort of slide. Partly letting them take their toll on a part of me, causing me depression, but at the same time, building up some fucking red hot motherfuckin' ugly, potentially violent, unpredictable. I say "potentially violent" meaning that the well-deserving provoking person's (i.e. the spouse) head could very likely or would become the target of some crazy object one can quickly grab and hurl without thinking.

Fortunately, for the "target", I am not only blind in one eye, and therefore have no depth perception, I'm nearsighted as fuck in the other, so it's unlikely anybody would get harmed except for me out of sheer embarrassment for missing by a long shot, and letting something stupid let me lose my composure. Well, at least I got an apology for ugly words that were exchanged without feeling guilty in the least. I felt I was in the right, so I was pleased and accepting of a fucking well-deserved apology for once in my fucking life.

After that incident, I learned later that the spouse really did show up for his doctor appointment, even though it was only a GP, but he'd made an appointment and later went to a counseling session. I'm guessing to talk more about me and my "issues" instead of manning up to his, but it's a start. I'll give him that. I was glad he went. It gave him a reason to talk about the shitty atmosphere around here lately. Since then, the heavy atmosphere of unneeded stress and worry has been lifted considerably.

My agoraphobia is really not agoraphobia anymore, I've decided. It's just anxiety. I managed to handle being in a crowd indoors at a Dias de los Muertos celebration earlier in the month, which was cool. Now I'm just dealing with this going out by myself a bit differently in my head. The feelings and sensations aren't as heavy and all-consuming that I have to totally over-medicate to push through. It's somewhat different, but impossible to explain. Still fighting the anxiety though, it's changed a bit. The ugly game has changed, and is not as ugly and gut-wrenching. But fuckin' A, I still keep my meds on hand just in case. :D I'm still crazy, not stupid!

Couch Carbohydrates


 "True Blood" marathon for the couch potato within
 
It's been a "True Blood" marathon on the ol' TV - what they used to call 'the idiot box', but which is no longer a box. Those were the old, old days. Imagine growing up in a world where there were no PCs, cellphones, and flat screen TVs. Yep, that world existed. No wonder people went crazy for coke and disco. I was too young for the coke. Not my cup of tea anyway. I can only imagine the terrorizing agony of anxiety it would cause. I'd fucking explode or die of a heart attack! Personally, I miss the old days when things didn't seem so shitty. Season 6 already. Almost done with the whole show. Shame. There were some funny characters, the least being the leads.

Mood is steady, under control, heat is on, but I'm still finding it hard to believe it's fall. Without the the perphenezine, and seroquel, it feels like my medications are more effective at times, or have more "side effects". Not bad ones, but I'm getting tired of the tiring one that happens too often. Maybe I'm taking the topiramate at the wrong time of the day? I'm too lazy to look it up. Could be the effect of being tired and slow, could be depression. Yes, mood can "seem" to feel steady, but the depression can still be there as another kind of thought. No drug can stamp out all emotion but painkillers, I would imagine. So why don't the shrinks prescribe those kind of "happy pills" when nothing else works anyway? It would also be convenient to have specific chunks of memory numbed out completely. Zap! But permanently.

The brain... What a bitch. A bitch that's too fucking active, and that will never shut the fuck up!

Day Of The Living

God damn, broads are tuff, despite their hormones, any MH issues... Yeah, me, today, right now.

One day you can feel, literally feel like slashing your own throat in front of a mirror with a brand new straight razor so you get it right, hit the right spot, see the start of the  blood gush out, see it clearly in your mind (among other suicidal visions), then bleed like you may need to go to the ER the next morning, realizing also that your head is clear of the deadly, noxious fog of stupid, useless emotions that you really have no control over due to hormones and "mood disorders" -- those "emotions" or thoughts that drag you to visions of suicide and/or creation of a "plan of action".
Madness? Self-kindness. Self-mercy. Self-care. Whatever can get your mind through that bit of time needed.

I gave up... well, quit is a better word, 16mg of perphenazine at night that I suggested/decided to take to both humor a couple family members and shut the spouse up. He thought I was "paranoid", acting "paranoid", and for some stupid reason decided to share that with an OCD and PTSD diagnosed relative (unmedicated, in denial), and the fact that I have a (legally purchased) pistol (with a license to carry a concealed pistol in effect). This is ALL (xcept for buying the gun, of course) due to the continued phone/computer douchebaggery/destruction/fuckery/childish games, now violating civil rights and constitutional rights with 'threats' of blackmail. What can you do with that? We shall see. Well,  the fact that he doesn't believe any of it, when he, himself has been affected by it.

Why the fuck would he do that? This relative does not know me, though they are close family. They are not friendly. They are pretty fucking antisocial themselves. Why he didn't call a friend who actually DOES know me is a complete fucking mystery, not to mention completely fucking stupid. He called the most hysterical, worst possible person he could call. So, eventually he had to tell me that he made this stupid phone call, and if topiramate didn't exist, he may or may not have kneecaps after that fucking stupidass violation of privacy and motherfucking stupid move. Nah.. I can get ugly, but only physically if someone attacks me first.

I had to talk to the whacked-out relative over the phone and convince them that the spouse is completely overreacting, and that the gun is not a big deal. It's for protection, as in self-protection, if I ever get outside alone. I mentioned one of the local drug dealer's death threats that I got, and she is just terrified and completely ignorant about guns to the point of NUTS. "Oh we don't want guns in the house"... I don't give a fuck what you want in YOUR fucking "safe" suburban haven, where no one can hear you scream... I never had plans on shooting myself. It's not my style, and not why I bought the gun in the first place well over a year ago, which I already mentioned. Now I've got to worry about if anything my daughter may know about is worrying or worried her.

The spouse also offended me by saying, "You're acting like (I think...) you're one step away from a tin foil hat.' one day. It was then that I wanted to punch him in the face, but the topiramate just sort of eased over those thoughts in almost an instant, replacing them with... almost "mellow" ones, surprisingly, but still irritated in a strange, calm, rational, controllable weird way rather than all-out furious about opening his trap to my family in the first place. And for being a dick. He should be kneeling down and worshipping the topiramate, and maybe asking me to up my dose a bit, offering to pay for every cent of it. All due to the fact that he's "tired of hearing about things not working on the computer or phone", and that he thinks I'm acting "overly paranoid". He just won't open up his fucking eyes, and refuses to see the proof that is available in b/w and//or color, right in front of him.

Fucking stressful as fuck having to live with someone that completely doubts you, writes you off, and thinks you know absolutely nothing that has anything to do with computers, just because he can add memory to his computer, buy loosening a screw or two, and snapping it into place, like any other monkey can do. He can't even make a guess at HTML and/or Java, logs, script in general, fucking names of programs loaded on ones computer? Or suss out a fake web page? After two OS destroyed on 2 sep computers, phone OS destroyed, fake bills, fucked up bills, now trying to violate my civil rights to get/sign up for Medicare Part D, etc. And yet he still refuses to examine or learn more about evidence presented! JFC! He cannot bear the thought that I might know something that he doesn't that has something even vaguely to do with computers or "smartphones". He cant bear to think that he is less knowledgeable about ANYTHING, or could be, than me.

I am on my 3rd (I think) try-out computer at the moment, trying to pick out one that feels right and has a DVD player, CD/DVD RW, and good sound. I think I want a little portable entertainment center and maybe some games (new to me). I have plenty of DVDs to watch, and CDs to play, if I have to dig those up. I was crazed at packing time and tossed the cases to make more room in boxes.

Since then, I've managed to get out more alone. "Armed", yes. It hasn't been a lot of times, but it has been when "necessary". I have dealt with people when I've had to. I still hate talking over the phone (due to the continued fuckery also - always did), but have dealt with that too when I've had to. Unfortunately, I never get to speak to a real worker from the company or bank, or other that I'm trying to reach. It's exhausting, but not for my foot to tap on the button that hangs up the phone, nor for my mouth to spew obscenities and shit. Bad acting and a limited amount of voices make people recognizable. The computer and phone are really nothing more than a convenience than a necessity.

I haven't yet made it all the way to the suburbs on the buses yet, which is a goal I've set, as I have a friend that is stuck out there, unable to drive, and in the disabled way of physical pain, so it's hard for her to get around. I'd like to visit, make it all the way out there, somehow. I know I'll make it. I have to admit, I do feel more safe having a gun in my purse, not carrying a wallet, and the least amount of valuables possible when out in public. Now if I could only use cheap purses, but I can't. I have to have good quality leather or some other stylish, well-made fancy fabric. Picky, picky, picky.

Here's to a happy late Dias de los Muertos



Day of the Dead is what I had been looking forward to in a way, trying to make myself less and less anxious as it came about finally. I bought makeup and a top hat to wear to the public celebration. I became less an less sad and anxious, and was good to go when the event came around. It wasn't that bad as far as the crowd of people part - there were a lot of Mexicans, lots to look at, lots of entertainment and a badass tamale stand with horchata. My daughter and her friend showed up as well as a friend and her daughter. I was all made-up, and dressed up. I had trouble sitting "like a lady", I noticed. Not used to wearing a dress! I did stuff myself in the end with Day of the Dead pan dulce too. Oops! My ancestor were honored, offerings given up, invitations to come back secretly sent out. It was a good night. Lots of people took my pic due to my make up and getup. I didn't mind at all. Hopefully one will email a copy to me! Didn't get a whole lot of pics. It didn't feel or seem appropriate except for the set-ups of the altars and "graveyard". Seeing kids with their faces painted was cool. It made me wonder what the non-Mexican or non-Day of the Dead were telling their children as they dragged them around. It seemed very bizarre to me. What could you say to a kid that wouldn't confuse them?

Now I have to stay alive in order to stay at a friend's house later this month. That ridiculous "holiday", "thanksgiving" has been cancelled. I have to remind myself that I have something to look forward to besides Dr Eye Candy, the shrink for now, halfway decent sleep last night and maybe more due to active hormones, and maybe some snow! Peace and quiet, hanging out with an old friend, getting away from here, and possibly playing with a dog in the snow. And wearing my ridiculous furry hat! I have reasons to go on kicking and screaming, if necessary. No restraints, just shoot me up with Haldol. I don't care if I drool.

I'll be just fine when this shit blows over, I'm physically "normal" again, and all is groovy. Well, groovy-ish. Back on more on even ground with the emotional crap and not falling asleep all over the place. Today is such a huge difference from yesterday's moods/thoughts/feelings/depressive shit. Hell, I might even make it outside again soon.

Day Of The Living

God damn, broads are tuff, despite their hormones, any MH issues... Yeah, me, today, right now.

One day you can feel, literally feel like slashing your own throat in front of a mirror with a brand new straight razor so you get it right, hit the right spot, see the start of the  blood gush out, see it clearly in your mind (among other suicidal visions), then bleed like you may need to go to the ER the next morning, realizing also that your head is clear of the deadly, noxious fog of stupid, useless emotions that you really have no control over due to hormones and "mood disorders" -- those "emotions" or thoughts that drag you to visions of suicide and/or creation of a "plan of action".
Madness? Self-kindness. Self-mercy. Self-care. Whatever can get your mind through that bit of time needed.

I gave up... well, quit is a better word, 16mg of perphenazine at night that I suggested/decided to take to both humor a couple family members and shut the spouse up. He thought I was "paranoid", acting "paranoid", and for some stupid reason decided to share that with an OCD and PTSD diagnosed relative (unmedicated, in denial), and the fact that I have a (legally purchased) pistol (with a license to carry a concealed pistol in effect). This is ALL (xcept for buying the gun, of course) due to the continued phone/computer douchebaggery/destruction/fuckery/childish games, now violating civil rights and constitutional rights with 'threats' of blackmail. What can you do with that? We shall see. Well,  the fact that he doesn't believe any of it, when he, himself has been affected by it.

Why the fuck would he do that? This relative does not know me, though they are close family. They are not friendly. They are pretty fucking antisocial themselves. Why he didn't call a friend who actually DOES know me is a complete fucking mystery, not to mention completely fucking stupid. He called the most hysterical, worst possible person he could call. So, eventually he had to tell me that he made this stupid phone call, and if topiramate didn't exist, he may or may not have kneecaps after that fucking stupidass violation of privacy and motherfucking stupid move. Nah.. I can get ugly, but only physically if someone attacks me first.

I had to talk to the whacked-out relative over the phone and convince them that the spouse is completely overreacting, and that the gun is not a big deal. It's for protection, as in self-protection, if I ever get outside alone. I mentioned one of the local drug dealer's death threats that I got, and she is just terrified and completely ignorant about guns to the point of NUTS. "Oh we don't want guns in the house"... I don't give a fuck what you want in YOUR fucking "safe" suburban haven, where no one can hear you scream... I never had plans on shooting myself. It's not my style, and not why I bought the gun in the first place well over a year ago, which I already mentioned. Now I've got to worry about if anything my daughter may know about is worrying or worried her.

The spouse also offended me by saying, "You're acting like (I think...) you're one step away from a tin foil hat.' one day. It was then that I wanted to punch him in the face, but the topiramate just sort of eased over those thoughts in almost an instant, replacing them with... almost "mellow" ones, surprisingly, but still irritated in a strange, calm, rational, controllable weird way rather than all-out furious about opening his trap to my family in the first place. And for being a dick. He should be kneeling down and worshipping the topiramate, and maybe asking me to up my dose a bit, offering to pay for every cent of it. All due to the fact that he's "tired of hearing about things not working on the computer or phone", and that he thinks I'm acting "overly paranoid". He just won't open up his fucking eyes, and refuses to see the proof that is available in b/w and//or color, right in front of him.

Fucking stressful as fuck having to live with someone that completely doubts you, writes you off, and thinks you know absolutely nothing that has anything to do with computers, just because he can add memory to his computer, buy loosening a screw or two, and snapping it into place, like any other monkey can do. He can't even make a guess at HTML and/or Java, logs, script in general, fucking names of programs loaded on ones computer? Or suss out a fake web page? After two OS destroyed on 2 sep computers, phone OS destroyed, fake bills, fucked up bills, now trying to violate my civil rights to get/sign up for Medicare Part D, etc. And yet he still refuses to examine or learn more about evidence presented! JFC! He cannot bear the thought that I might know something that he doesn't that has something even vaguely to do with computers or "smartphones". He cant bear to think that he is less knowledgeable about ANYTHING, or could be, than me.

I am on my 3rd (I think) try-out computer at the moment, trying to pick out one that feels right and has a DVD player, CD/DVD RW, and good sound. I think I want a little portable entertainment center and maybe some games (new to me). I have plenty of DVDs to watch, and CDs to play, if I have to dig those up. I was crazed at packing time and tossed the cases to make more room in boxes.

Since then, I've managed to get out more alone. "Armed", yes. It hasn't been a lot of times, but it has been when "necessary". I have dealt with people when I've had to. I still hate talking over the phone (due to the continued fuckery also - always did), but have dealt with that too when I've had to. Unfortunately, I never get to speak to a real worker from the company or bank, or other that I'm trying to reach. It's exhausting, but not for my foot to tap on the button that hangs up the phone, nor for my mouth to spew obscenities and shit. Bad acting and a limited amount of voices make people recognizable. The computer and phone are really nothing more than a convenience than a necessity.

I haven't yet made it all the way to the suburbs on the buses yet, which is a goal I've set, as I have a friend that is stuck out there, unable to drive, and in the disabled way of physical pain, so it's hard for her to get around. I'd like to visit, make it all the way out there, somehow. I know I'll make it. I have to admit, I do feel more safe having a gun in my purse, not carrying a wallet, and the least amount of valuables possible when out in public. Now if I could only use cheap purses, but I can't. I have to have good quality leather or some other stylish, well-made fancy fabric. Picky, picky, picky.

Here's to a happy late Dias de los Muertos



Day of the Dead is what I had been looking forward to in a way, trying to make myself less and less anxious as it came about finally. I bought makeup and a top hat to wear to the public celebration. I became less an less sad and anxious, and was good to go when the event came around. It wasn't that bad as far as the crowd of people part - there were a lot of Mexicans, lots to look at, lots of entertainment and a badass tamale stand with horchata. My daughter and her friend showed up as well as a friend and her daughter. I was all made-up, and dressed up. I had trouble sitting "like a lady", I noticed. Not used to wearing a dress! I did stuff myself in the end with Day of the Dead pan dulce too. Oops! My ancestor were honored, offerings given up, invitations to come back secretly sent out. It was a good night. Lots of people took my pic due to my make up and getup. I didn't mind at all. Hopefully one will email a copy to me! Didn't get a whole lot of pics. It didn't feel or seem appropriate except for the set-ups of the altars and "graveyard". Seeing kids with their faces painted was cool. It made me wonder what the non-Mexican or non-Day of the Dead were telling their children as they dragged them around. It seemed very bizarre to me. What could you say to a kid that wouldn't confuse them?

Now I have to stay alive in order to stay at a friend's house later this month. That ridiculous "holiday", "thanksgiving" has been cancelled. I have to remind myself that I have something to look forward to besides Dr Eye Candy, the shrink for now, halfway decent sleep last night and maybe more due to active hormones, and maybe some snow! Peace and quiet, hanging out with an old friend, getting away from here, and possibly playing with a dog in the snow. And wearing my ridiculous furry hat! I have reasons to go on kicking and screaming, if necessary. No restraints, just shoot me up with Haldol. I don't care if I drool.

I'll be just fine when this shit blows over, I'm physically "normal" again, and all is groovy. Well, groovy-ish. Back on more on even ground with the emotional crap and not falling asleep all over the place. Today is such a huge difference from yesterday's moods/thoughts/feelings/depressive shit. Hell, I might even make it outside again soon.

"Ocean Rain"

"Ocean Rain" - Echo & The Bunny men
One of the best records ever. Buy it now.


Gone a long time due to much fuckery with computer, electronic issues, etc. 

Tired. So very tired, I thought last night. I went to bed and there were tears welling up in my eyes. My nose was stinging. I let a couple spill, that was it, thought no more of it and went to sleep at 7pm.

This morning I realized why I've been having weak thoughts, emotions not fully under control (mainly only sadness), why I've let a few tears spill here and there (maybe 2 or 3), and been so damn tired that I nodded out on the bus twice as I was racing to get home to "safety" and "privacy".

It's called PMS, and nothing more. Now it's over and it's cramps and physical, not emotional. It's so good to be rid of unnecessary unwanted emotion, but I did have a revelation during that previous week. 

I decided I did not want my spouse to participate in the Dias de los Muertos upcoming celebration. He did not seem to understand or get a grip on the events, the traumatization of such events, and their lasting horrible scars that led to the death of my mother and a huge portion of the cause of my PTSD. So I don't want anybody around me that isn't participating to celebrate, respect, and remember their dead to be anywhere around me when the celebration goes on. I want to hear music, I want to see a procession, and I want to see people smiling. 

I'll bet money, if they come,  that my friend's daughter, will be all made up and in black! She's a big horror movie fan. That would be cool not to be the only one made up, but if I am, so be it, because it will be fab. 

I will have to give the makeup a practice run soon, and try and call my daughter to see if she can make it with all that school and work going on. Wishing she could, but understanding if she can't. Another time. We can make our own Day of the Dead any damn time and fly to find my mother's grave and pay a visit. I will have all prepared then, which would be so cool, hopefully I could get in touch with cousins, second cousins, uncles, aunts, etc, in and near town that could maybe meet up and go. It's been so long, and I have nothing but fond memories of all the kids that I can remember as my cousins, and some Uncles and Aunties that are still around, like my mom's sister.

So I look forward to Halloween, my favorite time of the year, when the candy corn and chocolate candy is abundant and you can't escape it. Unfortunately, before that, I have a Dr Shrinker appointment before that, but it is with someone nice, and that is familiar. I just don't want to have to try and make the choice of trying to go it alone on 2 buses (fear of freakout - great fear of freakout), and I don't want to have to have my spouse take time off work. I don't want to have to deal with his anger problem, but maybe I can turn it around to work for both of us, to both of our advantages.

That means this latest of another brand new computer is going back to the store, a macbook   air. The last was a toshiba. This macbook thing was a disappointment except for how light it is. It seems too easy to scratch up and thrash. Also, of course incompatible with just about everything, and DVD drive has to be bought separately, but not at an insane price, at least.  

I still might go for another one, but that is at least equal to what has been destroyed so far due to someone ELSE's paranoia, NOT mine. Jebus yeah. That's going to be a bit, plus, that's going to mean my girl will be gaining some new extra external hard drive space if she still needs some, I hope.

This has been a long, trying, fucked-up irritating, stupid, sad, weird, yummy, embarrassing, childish, suckass, time since I last wrote crazy post #105, or whatever it was, but my meds and some success at fighting agoraphobia alone have been pretty amazing (+ ME), but really fucking anxiety-ridden, and full of fear of anxiety attack/breakdown in public. Almost happened yesterday. 'Just look at the fish (spray painted on a wall at a bus stop), just look at the fish,' I told myself (a la "The Walking Dead": "Just look at the flowers..."), when I could feel my eyes heating up and the beginning of hot tears getting ready to well up. I managed to look up and blink them back in and sniffle. I had to ask a lady older than me, who could see better if I was getting on the correct bus number. I told her I have 'low vision'. I guess I really do... I can "feel" my typing mistakes most of the time, and now I've got some glasses that will magnify stuff, if I need it, which is often. I now carry around a card-shaped magnifying thing or glasses. Oh, the meds... This current combo has seemingly been the best so far as mood extremes, especially rage, but it seems you can never do anything about that little paper that has suicidal thoughts written on it, that's filed away far, far away in the back of your mind. All you can do is say, 'Today, I think it's filed away right now." I hope I can stay on it long term, and I hope my next computer has a number keypad on the side, because I suck at typing numbers. Always have. Always leaned on 10-key, like they used in the old days.

And so it is, so you try to keep on track with what you were planning on doing today, which means you have to make a list because your memory is so fucking awful. Start the list! I go now, then out into the "Ocean Rain"...

Note: Any errors are not mine. This was checked BUTT good. 



"Ocean Rain"

"Ocean Rain" - Echo & The Bunny men
One of the best records ever. Buy it now.


Gone a long time due to much fuckery with computer, electronic issues, etc. 

Tired. So very tired, I thought last night. I went to bed and there were tears welling up in my eyes. My nose was stinging. I let a couple spill, that was it, thought no more of it and went to sleep at 7pm.

This morning I realized why I've been having weak thoughts, emotions not fully under control (mainly only sadness), why I've let a few tears spill here and there (maybe 2 or 3), and been so damn tired that I nodded out on the bus twice as I was racing to get home to "safety" and "privacy".

It's called PMS, and nothing more. Now it's over and it's cramps and physical, not emotional. It's so good to be rid of unnecessary unwanted emotion, but I did have a revelation during that previous week. 

I decided I did not want my spouse to participate in the Dias de los Muertos upcoming celebration. He did not seem to understand or get a grip on the events, the traumatization of such events, and their lasting horrible scars that led to the death of my mother and a huge portion of the cause of my PTSD. So I don't want anybody around me that isn't participating to celebrate, respect, and remember their dead to be anywhere around me when the celebration goes on. I want to hear music, I want to see a procession, and I want to see people smiling. 

I'll bet money, if they come,  that my friend's daughter, will be all made up and in black! She's a big horror movie fan. That would be cool not to be the only one made up, but if I am, so be it, because it will be fab. 

I will have to give the makeup a practice run soon, and try and call my daughter to see if she can make it with all that school and work going on. Wishing she could, but understanding if she can't. Another time. We can make our own Day of the Dead any damn time and fly to find my mother's grave and pay a visit. I will have all prepared then, which would be so cool, hopefully I could get in touch with cousins, second cousins, uncles, aunts, etc, in and near town that could maybe meet up and go. It's been so long, and I have nothing but fond memories of all the kids that I can remember as my cousins, and some Uncles and Aunties that are still around, like my mom's sister.

So I look forward to Halloween, my favorite time of the year, when the candy corn and chocolate candy is abundant and you can't escape it. Unfortunately, before that, I have a Dr Shrinker appointment before that, but it is with someone nice, and that is familiar. I just don't want to have to try and make the choice of trying to go it alone on 2 buses (fear of freakout - great fear of freakout), and I don't want to have to have my spouse take time off work. I don't want to have to deal with his anger problem, but maybe I can turn it around to work for both of us, to both of our advantages.

That means this latest of another brand new computer is going back to the store, a macbook   air. The last was a toshiba. This macbook thing was a disappointment except for how light it is. It seems too easy to scratch up and thrash. Also, of course incompatible with just about everything, and DVD drive has to be bought separately, but not at an insane price, at least.  

I still might go for another one, but that is at least equal to what has been destroyed so far due to someone ELSE's paranoia, NOT mine. Jebus yeah. That's going to be a bit, plus, that's going to mean my girl will be gaining some new extra external hard drive space if she still needs some, I hope.

This has been a long, trying, fucked-up irritating, stupid, sad, weird, yummy, embarrassing, childish, suckass, time since I last wrote crazy post #105, or whatever it was, but my meds and some success at fighting agoraphobia alone have been pretty amazing (+ ME), but really fucking anxiety-ridden, and full of fear of anxiety attack/breakdown in public. Almost happened yesterday. 'Just look at the fish (spray painted on a wall at a bus stop), just look at the fish,' I told myself (a la "The Walking Dead": "Just look at the flowers..."), when I could feel my eyes heating up and the beginning of hot tears getting ready to well up. I managed to look up and blink them back in and sniffle. I had to ask a lady older than me, who could see better if I was getting on the correct bus number. I told her I have 'low vision'. I guess I really do... I can "feel" my typing mistakes most of the time, and now I've got some glasses that will magnify stuff, if I need it, which is often. I now carry around a card-shaped magnifying thing or glasses. Oh, the meds... This current combo has seemingly been the best so far as mood extremes, especially rage, but it seems you can never do anything about that little paper that has suicidal thoughts written on it, that's filed away far, far away in the back of your mind. All you can do is say, 'Today, I think it's filed away right now." I hope I can stay on it long term, and I hope my next computer has a number keypad on the side, because I suck at typing numbers. Always have. Always leaned on 10-key, like they used in the old days.

And so it is, so you try to keep on track with what you were planning on doing today, which means you have to make a list because your memory is so fucking awful. Start the list! I go now, then out into the "Ocean Rain"...

Note: Any errors are not mine. This was checked BUTT good. 



Frankie’s Joint 2014-09-13 18:51:00




















































































































































































































































P E A C E 

Frankie’s Joint 2014-09-13 18:51:00




















































































































































































































































P E A C E 

WELCOME TO 1984

WELCOME TO 1984!
WAR IS PEACE!
"ARBEIT MACHT FREI!"
 "WORK MAKES YOU FREE!"

In 1984, the powers that be still tell us this old "lesson" translated into "The American  Dream" still holds true! So toil away at your work, brothers and sisters, work your hardest, do your very best to become the most doubleplusgood worker! You are being monitored on your computer, and if not by cameras and bugs, then by your co-workers, who also want to be the most doubleplusgood worker. Can you blame them, brothers and sisters? Certainly not! We're all here to Obey Without Question!

Your other choice is to become a Hero of the Nation, a worthy pawn and most valuable property of your government by joining the military! You will be told you are fighting for democracy and the American people! You will become part of the world's largest economy - the American war machine! Your will legally murder complete strangers! You will handle exciting weapons that can kill strangers in ways you couldn't have imagined! You may or may not see your family or friends ever again, and if you do, you may come back without an eye or two, leg or two, arm or two, some or all of the aforementioned. You may return in a complete vegetative state or a body bag. But you will come back an American Hero, dead or alive, and someone, somewhere,  will wave a little American flag for you! You will be treated better than those poor souls that came back from fighting in Viet Nam. You are even guaranteed medical care, now that national scandal, cover-up, and death business has been swept away! You are even guaranteed mental health care for the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, depression, and other anxiety disorders you may develop as a result of becoming a American Hero. You might even become one of the lucky ones at the DOD and receive a chip in your brain to cure you and manage your surveillance. It's for your own good, of course!













REMEMBER BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU

HE CAN OBTAIN ALL THE INFORMATION ON YOUR PHONE, RECORD VIDEO AND CALLS, TAKE PHOTOS, LISTEN IN, HIJACK YOUR DATA PROVIDER, CONTROL YOUR PHONE, TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR COMPUTER, ITS CAMERA, RECORD YOU, WATCH WHERE YOU GO, PIGGYBACK ON YOUR IP, CLAIM THINGS THAT ARE UNTRUTHS, DESTROY YOUR COMPUTER PROGRAM FROM WITHIN, FUCK WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S, ALTER YOUR BROWSERS SO THAT INFOMATION, HOWEVER UNUSEFUL AND PERSONAL, SUCH AS "I ORDERED PLAYTEX SUPER+ TAMPONS ONLINE", IS COLLECTED ON YOU, READ ALL YOUR EMAIL, ACCESS ALL SITES YOU VISIT, AND MORE = SPYING WITHOUT A WARRANT - IT IS OFTEN SOLD TO THE HIGHEST BIDDERS FOR ADVERTISING PURPOSES. IT IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD! THIS IS DEMOCRACY AND FREEDOM! THIS IS WHAT OUR AMERICAN HEROES OVERSEAS FIGHT FOR! WAR IS FREEDOM!


TODAY IS 9/11

DON'T BELIEVE THOSE INSANE CONSPIRACY THEORISTS THAT CLAIM 9/11 WAS A CAREFULLY PLANNED OUT ATTACK BY THE US ON ITSELF! SO WHAT IF THE TWIN TOWERS FLASHED LIKE THEY HAD EXPLOSIVES CAREFULLY PLANTED, AND THEY CONVENIENTLY COLLAPSED AS A PROFESSIONAL DEMOLITION JOB WOULD HAVE GONE DOWN. STRAIGHT DOWN, WITH MINIMAL DAMAGE TO THE SURROUNDING AREAS. SO WHAT IF THE PENTAGON DIDN'T SUFFER THE SAME DESTRUCTION IT WOULD AS IF A PLANE HAD ACTUALLY CRASHED INTO IT, AND THERE WAS NO PLANE WRECKAGE FOUND ON THE SITE IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARD. DICK CHENEY SAYS HE GAVE THE DIRECT ORDER TO SHOOT DOWN FLIGHT 93 THAT WAS SUPPOSEDLY HIJACKED AND HEADED FOR WASHINGTON. WHAT HAPPENED TO IT AND FLIGHT 77? IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS HOW THE WTC WENT DOWN, WHY IT IMPLODED, WHY WITNESSES SAW A MILITARY PLANE CRASH INTO A BUILDING. MARVIN BUSH, BROTHER OF GEORGE BUSH WAS INVOLVED WITH SECURITY OF THE BUILDINGS. BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT WASN'T ALL PLANNED AND CARRIED OUT BY EVIL MUSLIM TERRORISTS! DO NOT QUESTION YOUR GOVERNMENT! DO NOT QUESTION THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA! DO NOT QUESTION AUTHORITY! BE PURE, BE VIGILANT, BEHAVE! BELIEVE THE UNTRUTH!
 






THIS VIDEO MUST BE WATCHED.

LAST NEWS, BUT THERE'S MORE IF YOU CLICK HERE, UPS GROUNDS ALL FLIGHTS ON 9/11. 

***********************************************************

PS
PAZ Y AMOR. SINCERE CONDOLENCES TO THOSE THAT LOST LOVED ONES, OR HAD LOVED ONES SUFFER INJURIES AT THE HANDS OF EVIL AND THE GOVERNMENT. MAY THE HANDS OF EVIL BE EXPOSED.

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT...


WELCOME TO 1984

WELCOME TO 1984!
WAR IS PEACE!
"ARBEIT MACHT FREI!"
 "WORK MAKES YOU FREE!"

In 1984, the powers that be still tell us this old "lesson" translated into "The American  Dream" still holds true! So toil away at your work, brothers and sisters, work your hardest, do your very best to become the most doubleplusgood worker! You are being monitored on your computer, and if not by cameras and bugs, then by your co-workers, who also want to be the most doubleplusgood worker. Can you blame them, brothers and sisters? Certainly not! We're all here to Obey Without Question!

Your other choice is to become a Hero of the Nation, a worthy pawn and most valuable property of your government by joining the military! You will be told you are fighting for democracy and the American people! You will become part of the world's largest economy - the American war machine! Your will legally murder complete strangers! You will handle exciting weapons that can kill strangers in ways you couldn't have imagined! You may or may not see your family or friends ever again, and if you do, you may come back without an eye or two, leg or two, arm or two, some or all of the aforementioned. You may return in a complete vegetative state or a body bag. But you will come back an American Hero, dead or alive, and someone, somewhere,  will wave a little American flag for you! You will be treated better than those poor souls that came back from fighting in Viet Nam. You are even guaranteed medical care, now that national scandal, cover-up, and death business has been swept away! You are even guaranteed mental health care for the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, depression, and other anxiety disorders you may develop as a result of becoming a American Hero. You might even become one of the lucky ones at the DOD and receive a chip in your brain to cure you and manage your surveillance. It's for your own good, of course!













REMEMBER BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU

HE CAN OBTAIN ALL THE INFORMATION ON YOUR PHONE, RECORD VIDEO AND CALLS, TAKE PHOTOS, LISTEN IN, HIJACK YOUR DATA PROVIDER, CONTROL YOUR PHONE, TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR COMPUTER, ITS CAMERA, RECORD YOU, WATCH WHERE YOU GO, PIGGYBACK ON YOUR IP, CLAIM THINGS THAT ARE UNTRUTHS, DESTROY YOUR COMPUTER PROGRAM FROM WITHIN, FUCK WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S, ALTER YOUR BROWSERS SO THAT INFOMATION, HOWEVER UNUSEFUL AND PERSONAL, SUCH AS "I ORDERED PLAYTEX SUPER+ TAMPONS ONLINE", IS COLLECTED ON YOU, READ ALL YOUR EMAIL, ACCESS ALL SITES YOU VISIT, AND MORE = SPYING WITHOUT A WARRANT - IT IS OFTEN SOLD TO THE HIGHEST BIDDERS FOR ADVERTISING PURPOSES. IT IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD! THIS IS DEMOCRACY AND FREEDOM! THIS IS WHAT OUR AMERICAN HEROES OVERSEAS FIGHT FOR! WAR IS FREEDOM!


TODAY IS 9/11

DON'T BELIEVE THOSE INSANE CONSPIRACY THEORISTS THAT CLAIM 9/11 WAS A CAREFULLY PLANNED OUT ATTACK BY THE US ON ITSELF! SO WHAT IF THE TWIN TOWERS FLASHED LIKE THEY HAD EXPLOSIVES CAREFULLY PLANTED, AND THEY CONVENIENTLY COLLAPSED AS A PROFESSIONAL DEMOLITION JOB WOULD HAVE GONE DOWN. STRAIGHT DOWN, WITH MINIMAL DAMAGE TO THE SURROUNDING AREAS. SO WHAT IF THE PENTAGON DIDN'T SUFFER THE SAME DESTRUCTION IT WOULD AS IF A PLANE HAD ACTUALLY CRASHED INTO IT, AND THERE WAS NO PLANE WRECKAGE FOUND ON THE SITE IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARD. DICK CHENEY SAYS HE GAVE THE DIRECT ORDER TO SHOOT DOWN FLIGHT 93 THAT WAS SUPPOSEDLY HIJACKED AND HEADED FOR WASHINGTON. WHAT HAPPENED TO IT AND FLIGHT 77? IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS HOW THE WTC WENT DOWN, WHY IT IMPLODED, WHY WITNESSES SAW A MILITARY PLANE CRASH INTO A BUILDING. MARVIN BUSH, BROTHER OF GEORGE BUSH WAS INVOLVED WITH SECURITY OF THE BUILDINGS. BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT WASN'T ALL PLANNED AND CARRIED OUT BY EVIL MUSLIM TERRORISTS! DO NOT QUESTION YOUR GOVERNMENT! DO NOT QUESTION THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA! DO NOT QUESTION AUTHORITY! BE PURE, BE VIGILANT, BEHAVE! BELIEVE THE UNTRUTH!
 






THIS VIDEO MUST BE WATCHED.

LAST NEWS, BUT THERE'S MORE IF YOU CLICK HERE, UPS GROUNDS ALL FLIGHTS ON 9/11. 

***********************************************************

PS
PAZ Y AMOR. SINCERE CONDOLENCES TO THOSE THAT LOST LOVED ONES, OR HAD LOVED ONES SUFFER INJURIES AT THE HANDS OF EVIL AND THE GOVERNMENT. MAY THE HANDS OF EVIL BE EXPOSED.

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT...