Author Archives: Colleen Frazer

Tears Fall Down

I’m incredibly emotional today. I am crying at the drop of the hat.

It’s not like it is even for a reason. I started crying watching anime. I started crying cause my husband gave me a compliment. I started crying because I wanted something sweet.

I realize I am a rapid cycler. I realize that I am obviously not at the perfect dose of medication and may even need a combination of medications to make things more balanced.

I am also bitchy, but the teary seems to be the stronger of emotions.

I hate days like this. I am really looking forward to my therapy and shrink session this week.

Oh! I imagine the mole thing is also bugging me in the back of my mind. Nothing like having an epiphany while writing your blog.

Sorry for the short blog but honestly I am not feeling motivated today. I just know that I must post.

Going to lay back and listen to the rain and try to relax.


Whatif’s 3

As you know I am the What If Queen. I am always wondering what would happen or what should happen.

What will happen if they build the people’s house down the road faster? That’s my new one. We bought ours first, got the for sale sign first and even had our name thingy first. Today even though they were working on our lot they had finished preparing theirs first.

They are now identical. I mean we completely designed out house. We could have picked some fancier items, or harder to install things and they may get into their house first. They havent even gotten to the framing yet but this is stressing me out.

What if I can create a charity? Will I be able to handle all that might entail? I asked my husband to help me do research on who I want to give the money to. What do I want to support, mental health or just bipolarity. I have time to figure it all out.

I never believed that bipolars could accomplish anything. I thought I was doomed to failure all my life. Reading other bipolars blogs have made me believe I can do good things with my life and I can accomplish things. I will fail from time to time but I have to keep trying.

I can’t get rid of it, so I need to learn to live successfully with it.


Not Hating Myself

I often filled with self loathing. You’re fat, you’re ugly, you’re stupid. I could go on.

Right now I don’t hate myself I realize I have some talent. I can cook. I can paint some and am learning more. I’m not ugly though I really hate this missing tooth. It makes me feel like a backwoods yokel. It will be replaced though.

I am not beating myself up. It’s really surprising when I am feeling down. I’ve even managed to be intimate with my husband. That rarely happens due to the self-hatred.

I would say the Latuda and therapy are definitely making my life better. The depression isn’t as hard. (so far) I’m starting to think more positively and even though some crappy things have been happening, I’m dealing with it.

I’m still writing my blog every day and I’m still getting out of the house.

So once again fuck you depression. You are not gonna beat me down this time.

Oh and Misha Collins wanna help me set up a charity for mental health research. You do a lot of good work ;) like you would read this, hahahaha.

I am thinking about setting up a charity for bipolar research not sure where to start, but this is a goal I plan to have.


Fricken Moles

Several years ago I had a large precancerous mole on my back, it left a rather horrible scar but instilled the fear in me that I needed to check my body monthly for more of these little buggers.

As mentioned yesterday my husband found a couple of moles during our monthly search and today I decided to see a doctor as opposed to my therapist. Turns out I likely have a smaller version of one of those same moles. Lovely.

I go to the dermatologist at 7:30am next Friday to likely have it removed. I was assured it’s not melanoma so that is good at least. I am upset, when I should be somewhat relieved. Not dealing with this all that well.

The depression is definitely not helping at all. It’s just making it so I am unable to find happiness in much of anything and have little to no strength to pick my ass off the couch and do anything anyhow.

Screw you depression!!! I painted a little today and watched a cheesy movie.. I win for today.


Depressed and Insecure

I have no motivation, yet I want to do a million things at once. Once I accomplish something I feel like it is shit.

For example my very first try at a manga drawing wasn’t horrible. I just think it was a big piece of shit.

I havent showered in a week. Tonight was my first one and it is only because tomorrow I am going to the doctor to get a mole checked on my back instead of going to therapy.

I wish I hadn’t of cancelled my appt with the therapist but I’ve already had precancerous moles removed and hubby does a mole check every month. He found a couple new one and is concerned about one. I trust him. It may be nothing but if it is I’d rather another giant scar on my back then death.

I’m stressed out which honestly with everything going on is not surprising. Adding one more thing to the mix just makes things interesting in my head. It’s batshit crazy in there right now.

I’m trying to find the positive, but it is lower on the horizon then it has been the past few days. I feel like I am sinking.


Don’t Jump The Gun

I’ve been feeling crappy all damn day. Feeling ill gives me anxiety. It’s the one thing that can undo me.

I have been considering cancelling my therapy session and my visit to the salon all because I feel ill now.

I was upfront with my husband about it, though honestly if I cancel I likely wont be. He told me not to jump the gun.

I hate that it makes me so anxious that I plan to just hunker down and not leave the house. It’s ridiculous.

Tonight I at least got to watch TV shows that I enjoy(ed).

Short post tonight cause of the naughty tummy. Tomorrow will be better I’m sure.


Not All It’s Cracked Up To Be

Living with my mom in law is not all that it is cracked at to be.

There are going to be times when there is conflict. Food, TV Shows, etc.

I can see the conflicts coming.

I love hanging out with her. I miss time alone with my husband. I miss being able to watch or listen to what I want.

I’m gettting pre-frustrated. Ya thats a word, now anyhow. lol.

Must breathe, breathe..


Nifty Doodad

Last night hubby snd i got into a fight becausee we were both grumpy sbout not hsving our own. I reminded him thst we just need to keep our eye on the prize.

Now that his bronchitis is better we went out to Gretna for a walk and it made us more relaxed. I really am looking forward to our new home.

I lost my ipad cover and hubby got me a new one that has a keyboard attached which will eventuaslly make blogging easier. Right now I am making a lot of errors as i get used to it. It feel better than actively writing on the ipad though.

image

Neat right?

WE also got costumes for our dogs, Ren will be Wonder Woman and Charlie is Super Girl. They will be adorbs!!

That’s pretty much been my day. We got some time alone which is good. Its been better day thats for sure.


Feels Like Sunday

Today I’ve gone to lunch, shopped for singer clothes and drove all over the place and that was all before 3pm.

I’m tired but happily so as I sit here watching anime on my iPad while everyone else watches football. I used to like football but being here and it being on all the damn time has turned me against it.

It was nice being able to buy warm clothes, all I really had were sundresses and tank tops, that certainly won’t get me through the winter. Walmart is cheap as he’ll too. Sadly I think the clothes are also poorly made but what do you expect. At least it gives me another reason to lose weight.

I watched some painting videos. I need to take some art classes. I think that it will help me a lot. I feel inferior right now. I am proud of what I have done don’t get me wrong but I know if I learn a little patience I could be better.

So patience is my word for the month.


Learning to Not Hate

I feel hatred towards other people. My FIL for treating my MIL the way he did this past week. My MIL husband for doing stupid ass shit without thinking about how it affects. I’ve become quite protective of her.

Hate is a strong word and it is a stronger feeling and it fills my body with poison. This is more of this black and white thinking. Hate is too powerful of an emotion to waste on stupid ass shit like that. I should save it for the people who truly deserve it. Then I should get past that too.

Having moms husband here this weekend just fills me with such anger, it almost makes me hands ache from being flexed in fists ast my side. Maybe I should explain.

Mom drives a 12-year-old minivan, it works but has seen better days and she decided not to get a new vehicle because the new house was more important. She would have bought it herself without her husband money. They are buying the house together and they made the decision to buy the house. A week later he goes out and gets a brand new fucking SUV for himself. Both risking the home loan and I don’t know if he did it consciously but saying fuck you to mom, I can have what you can’t.

It makes me angry. She doesn’t want to say anything because she wants to be able to get the house. He’s making that hard too. Taking forever to get the papers she needs, someone has already bought one of the lots beside us. I hope he doesn’t fuck her out of the other one.

So I am venting as opposed to holding on to this anger. It’s not worth it and it honestly gives me a reason to go out all weekend and not be home. Thanks for giving me reasons to shop cold weather!