It’s rare my sleep schedule is quite this disturbed, but I woke up with a jolt of tooth pain (whole other problem) despite taking sinus medicine that required more information to purchase than a gun, my normal night med cocktail of “please, just let me sleep” including Trazadone, Depakote, Celexa, high dose melatonin, and various others that advise against interacting with heavy machinery, and klonopin when I got home from work.
Sometimes when I wake up early, it’s an easy path back to sleep via “What? 2am? No thank you, that’s absurd” and a flip of one of my 7 flannel pillows to the cool side and nuzzling myself back in. Sometimes, though rare, within 60 seconds, you know you’re screwed.
The rapid fire reactions this morning in that critical minute went something like this: what the hell time is it? Only open one eye to check…why am I…OH HOLY TOOTH PAIN MY JAW IS ON FIRE! Ok open eyes to find ambesol. Slather everywhere. Rage at self for lack of hygiene while at rock bottom (years ago) that basically destroyed my teeth, more rage at my new dentist (insurance) for being an asshole about fixing everything, more rage that I cant just have my old dentist fix everything, considered how much I could scrape together from every last penny of HARD earned savings to pay said dentist, this snowballs into anger at the state of healthcare in general, aaaaaand we’re awake.
So then I start to panic, induced by the fact that I’m now awake and jacked up sleep is my biggest trigger. Then oh, well, I guess I might as well use the time so I can nap later. Wait, is that enabling mania? Well, it’s calm and quiet, might be a good time to figure out meal plans for the week and do some prepping. But that makes a lot of noise, and moms asleep and I don’t want questions. I am hungry though, let’s see what I can find in dark silence…ooo, chicken soup! Damn, no, opening and closing the microwave door makes noise, as does the actual microwaving and resultant beeping. Ok, well, here’s an avocado…
Which is how I came to be holding an avocado in a dark, silent kitchen at 3am, willing it to ripen while I considered my options for a solid 5 minutes.
As I write this I’m still battling every single thought I’ve listed here plus more. Pretty sure I’ll eat the soup cold bc it’s almost 4am now and my stomach is actually growling. Even though I would prefer to make a huge hot breakfast, but that’s a lot of noise in silence. And even if I didn’t wake mom the anxiety of avoiding it wouldn’t be worth the damn eggs.
I just have this feeling that a normal mind would a) go back to sleep after numbing teeth or b) make the damn breakfast/soup/whatever
I need my own place. I’d still wake up with tooth pain, but I could’ve made hot chocolate, turned on a movie, made breakfast, marinated short ribs, taken a shower, fallen back asleep full from food and lulled by movie, just basically done whatever and if I didn’t tell anyone, no one would know.
Disclaimer: my mom’s awesome, I just have no privacy of hiding things like this
Not even 10 mins after posting this (So, 4am?) I blew my nose and half my face dislodged and fell out, so I’m running around like a crazy person bleeding like a stuck pig. Suffice to say mom’s awake now, and I’m watching tv on the couch with the stupid soup.