Author Archives: blackboxnurse

Why You Absolutely Must Love Yourself

Originally posted on Soul of Therapy :

When you cannot love yourself, not much else in your life will really matter.

The accomplishments won’t matter. The perfect body or the perfect car or perfect house won’t really matter, either. You may be on the proverbial hamster wheel towards success, doing what you are supposed to be doing, going through the motions of an adjusted and functional life, but without the component of self-love, a chronic hollowness and emptiness will prevail.

Most likely, you will attempt to fill this hollowness with whatever substituting forms of validation and security you can find, whether it be in another person, the throes of an encompassing addiction, or the materialistic chase for a bigger and better life. It may even take on the more subtle forms of constantly trying to “make yourself over,” whether it be with a person, job, appearance, location, or life passion. We will do whatever we can to reduce this void…

View original 791 more words

Why You Absolutely Must Love Yourself

Originally posted on Soul of Therapy :

When you cannot love yourself, not much else in your life will really matter.

The accomplishments won’t matter. The perfect body or the perfect car or perfect house won’t really matter, either. You may be on the proverbial hamster wheel towards success, doing what you are supposed to be doing, going through the motions of an adjusted and functional life, but without the component of self-love, a chronic hollowness and emptiness will prevail.

Most likely, you will attempt to fill this hollowness with whatever substituting forms of validation and security you can find, whether it be in another person, the throes of an encompassing addiction, or the materialistic chase for a bigger and better life. It may even take on the more subtle forms of constantly trying to “make yourself over,” whether it be with a person, job, appearance, location, or life passion. We will do whatever we can to reduce this void…

View original 791 more words

Unpredictable

blackboxnurse:

Unpredictable we are.

Originally posted on broken fingernails:

sadness(Sung to the tune of “Unforgettable” with apologies to Irving Gordon, and apologies to my readers for being unable to rhyme)

Unpredictable
Bipolar is,
Unpredictable
Tho’ low or high.

Like a song about a rollercoaster,
How the thought of you does things to me.
Never before
Has something been more…

Unpredictable
In every way,
And forever more
That’s how I’ll stay.

Finally, after one of the worst and longest bouts of depression I’ve had in years, the good old standard MAOI, but in a different form, has started working again. It appears I had built up a tolerance to my “miracle drug” I started taking a few years ago when I had become SSRI-resistant. Taking into consideration the length of time I’d been away from SSRIs, my psych was hoping that a new class of drugs would work. But alas, some made me worse, some made me…

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Relationships On The Mend

  
Relationships On The MendI am a bipolar who has destroyed some endearing relationships along the way. And just before surrendering to treatment, I burnt a few bridges with employers that rumored to other companies. This made job searches more difficult. It’s my understanding that this complication is common when suffering with bipolar. Great, this is my most shameful sign/system. It encompasses most of my psych sessions for repair.  

  
I thought recovery to be impossible with no reconciliation. I’m here to assure my readers that recovery is achievable. I am capable of reestablishing relationships most important to me.  And those who choose to accept me for who I am, where never really there for me in the first place. My illness allows to indicate who my true friends have been. 

 David Wolfe posted on a social media site I will quote, “The older I get the more I realize that value of privacy, of cultivating your circle and only letting certain people in. You can be open, honest, and real while still understanding not everyone deserves a seat at the table of your life.” Disability allows me to accept David’s quote. Maintaining healthy relationships is important for me to manage the success of achieving a fulfilling life. My family accepts the challenge to pick up the pieces following an episode when they arrive.

Terminating relationships, even family members who foster problematic habits has been a difficult but, necessary intervention for me. This leaves my support system limited in number making my love for them greater than most. Yet, I know I must increase my supportive network. I believe this encompasses my psychiatrist, therapist, and web sites such as this.

  
To conclude, I want to thank my readers who have taken part in my blogs. I do not know you but, knowing you are there brings comfort that I am not alone. Your thoughts are always welcome.

Relationships On The Mend

  
Relationships On The MendI am a bipolar who has destroyed some endearing relationships along the way. And just before surrendering to treatment, I burnt a few bridges with employers that rumored to other companies. This made job searches more difficult. It’s my understanding that this complication is common when suffering with bipolar. Great, this is my most shameful sign/symptom. It encompasses most of my psych sessions for repair.  

  
I thought recovery to be impossible with no reconciliation. I’m here to assure my readers that recovery is achievable. I am capable of reestablishing relationships most important to me.  And those who choose to accept me for who I am, where never really there for me in the first place. My illness allows to indicate who my true friends have been. 

 David Wolfe posted on a social media site I will quote, “The older I get the more I realize that value of privacy, of cultivating your circle and only letting certain people in. You can be open, honest, and real while still understanding not everyone deserves a seat at the table of your life.” Disability allows me to accept David’s quote. Maintaining healthy relationships is important for me to manage the success of achieving a fulfilling life. My family accepts the challenge to pick up the pieces following an episode when they arrive.

Terminating relationships, even family members who foster problematic habits has been a difficult but, necessary intervention for me. This leaves my support system limited in number making my love for them greater than most. Yet, I know I must increase my supportive network. I believe this encompasses my psychiatrist, therapist, and web sites such as this.

  
To conclude, I want to thank my readers who have taken part in my blogs. I do not know you but, knowing you are there brings comfort that I am not alone. Your thoughts are always welcome.

Relationships On The Mend

  
Relationships On The MendI am a bipolar who has destroyed some endearing relationships along the way. And just before surrendering to treatment, I burnt a few bridges with employers that rumored to other companies. This made job searches more difficult. It’s my understanding that this complication is common when suffering with bipolar. Great, this is my most shameful sign/symptom. It encompasses most of my psych sessions for repair.  

  
I thought recovery to be impossible with no reconciliation. I’m here to assure my readers that recovery is achievable. I am capable of reestablishing relationships most important to me.  And those who choose to accept me for who I am, where never really there for me in the first place. My illness allows to indicate who my true friends have been. 

 David Wolfe posted on a social media site I will quote, “The older I get the more I realize that value of privacy, of cultivating your circle and only letting certain people in. You can be open, honest, and real while still understanding not everyone deserves a seat at the table of your life.” Disability allows me to accept David’s quote. Maintaining healthy relationships is important for me to manage the success of achieving a fulfilling life. My family accepts the challenge to pick up the pieces following an episode when they arrive.

Terminating relationships, even family members who foster problematic habits has been a difficult but, necessary intervention for me. This leaves my support system limited in number making my love for them greater than most. Yet, I know I must increase my supportive network. I believe this encompasses my psychiatrist, therapist, and web sites such as this.

  
To conclude, I want to thank my readers who have taken part in my blogs. I do not know you but, knowing you are there brings comfort that I am not alone. Your thoughts are always welcome.

Relationships On The Mend

  
Relationships On The MendI am a bipolar who has destroyed some endearing relationships along the way. And just before surrendering to treatment, I burnt a few bridges with employers that rumored to other companies. This made job searches more difficult. It’s my understanding that this complication is common when suffering with bipolar. Great, this is my most shameful sign/symptom. It encompasses most of my psych sessions for repair.  

  
I thought recovery to be impossible with no reconciliation. I’m here to assure my readers that recovery is achievable. I am capable of reestablishing relationships most important to me.  And those who choose to accept me for who I am, where never really there for me in the first place. My illness allows to indicate who my true friends have been. 

 David Wolfe posted on a social media site I will quote, “The older I get the more I realize that value of privacy, of cultivating your circle and only letting certain people in. You can be open, honest, and real while still understanding not everyone deserves a seat at the table of your life.” Disability allows me to accept David’s quote. Maintaining healthy relationships is important for me to manage the success of achieving a fulfilling life. My family accepts the challenge to pick up the pieces following an episode when they arrive.

Terminating relationships, even family members who foster problematic habits has been a difficult but, necessary intervention for me. This leaves my support system limited in number making my love for them greater than most. Yet, I know I must increase my supportive network. I believe this encompasses my psychiatrist, therapist, and web sites such as this.

  
To conclude, I want to thank my readers who have taken part in my blogs. I do not know you but, knowing you are there brings comfort that I am not alone. Your thoughts are always welcome.

Diet Update and Thoughts on the Future

Originally posted on Helle's Little Secrets :

This week has seemed terribly long and largely uninteresting. I feel like most of the week I have spent worrying about what to do rather than actually doing anything.

Let’s start with my diet update.

So today is day 25 of trying to loose weight and it is still a big challenge.  During this time I have managed to lose almost 11 lbs but that is not enough.  My goal was to lose about 30 lbs.  I realize this is the first month of my diet but I feel like I am not making much progress.  I need to work out more, push myself and stop waiting for results to happen on their own.

I have been pigging out lately and to make up for it I have been trying to be more physically active but I think it is only enough to keep things in check and at the…

View original 374 more words

Diet Update and Thoughts on the Future

Originally posted on Helle's Little Secrets :

This week has seemed terribly long and largely uninteresting. I feel like most of the week I have spent worrying about what to do rather than actually doing anything.

Let’s start with my diet update.

So today is day 25 of trying to loose weight and it is still a big challenge.  During this time I have managed to lose almost 11 lbs but that is not enough.  My goal was to lose about 30 lbs.  I realize this is the first month of my diet but I feel like I am not making much progress.  I need to work out more, push myself and stop waiting for results to happen on their own.

I have been pigging out lately and to make up for it I have been trying to be more physically active but I think it is only enough to keep things in check and at the…

View original 374 more words

Diabetes and Bipolar Disorder 

  

 

My Diabetes and Bipolar
I became diabetic about the same-time I was diagnosed with Bipolar. The nurse in me wondered if one had to do with the other. I say this because when I was carrying my children, I developed gestational diabetes. My OB GYN’s even considered treating me with insulin. From the time I got pregnant with my daughter, I noticed a sudden change in my behavior. Irritability, short temperedness, tired, along with the usual signs of diabetes. 

When my bipolar was clearly evident, my A1C was also on the rise. An A1C also known as glycated hemoglobin, glycosylated hemoglobin, hemoglobin A1C and HbA1c. The Mayo Clinic describes an A1C as “a common test used to diagnose type 1 and type 2 diabetes…a protein in the red blood cells that carries oxygen-is coated…the higher your A1C, the poorer your blood sugar is controlled and the higher your risk of diabetic complications.” A normal A1C normal range is between 4.5 -6%.  

Knowing my family history of adult onset diabetes and the occurrence of gestational diabetes, I would ask for an A1C during my yearly physicals. Despite my requests, my primary care DO at the time ignored my signs of increased thirst, lethargy, frequent urination which an operating circulator can not denied and would not order an A1C. Until I developed signs of a very painful salivary gland swelling which occurred several times during this period of time. Again I asked for an A1c that came back 7.6%. This should have been a red flag for the nurse practitioner but was shrugged off due to my sudden weight gain. It took medicine another 2 years before I was finally found to be non-insulin dependent diabetic. By now, I have added peripheral neuropathy, metabolic syndrome, early CAD, and other complications that are better able to be managed.

Peripheral neuropathy is nerve damage particularly that occurs in the feet and gradually moves up towards the torso. My high blood pressure and frequent urination began starting show early signs of cardiac disease. Frequent illnesses and development of gastroparesis or metabolic syndrome. Other such signs is mental health. Well, that’s interesting.

  
As an RN, I’v seen many diabetics over the years that I unconsciously became somewhat desensitized to the disease. Suffering from the early signs myself, I can attest that the disease is far from a common cold. My most alarming symptoms was the fatigue and knowing I don’t feel well. A sudden fluctuation of my blood sugar would leave me with a vagal like response and feeling like I was fading to unconsciousness. Not only was my lumbar spondylosis preventing me from working but,I couldn’t imagine working in this condition. In fact, I reduced my hours taking a part-time job near home. The signs and symptoms were obvious to me. Breaking out into excessive sweating and extreme hunger and immunological abnormality exhibited as Bell’s Palsy all , of which, kept me from keeping me from my commitment to my job, that I’m certain those I worked with took notice as well. 

  
Now that I’ve advanced to IDDM (insulin dependent diabetes mellitus). I decided to do some research of comparing diabetes to bipolar. I’ve found my theory to affirm my curiosity. I hope that my readers will find this as helpful as it has to me.
An article I found written by D.F. Horrobin and C.N. Bennett “depression and bipolar disorder: the relationships to impaired fatty acids and phospholipid metabolism and to diabetes, cardiovascular disease, immunological abnormalities, cancer, and osteoporosis.” Did I mention that my latest diagnosis is being treated due to my lab results for osteoporosis? Their findings confirmed that depression and bipolar are have a worse outcome than non-depressed individuals.  

A chapter from the book, Bipolar Disorders-an internal journal of psychiatry and neuroscience discussed the “prevalence of diabetes and metabolic syndrome in a research sample of patients with bipolar disorder.” Taken from the chapter, the objective was the presence of metabolic abnormalities is an important risk factor for heart disease and diabetes.

The method was having 60 patients with bipolar disorder for the study.

The result findings showed a prevalence of metabolic syndrome of 6.7% who met diabetic criteria and 23.3% were find pre-diabetic.

The conclusion indicates that metabolic syndrome and glucose abnormalities are highly prevalent among bipolar patients. Along with a high risk for heart disease and metabolic disorders.

The recommendation or treatment plan should include that bipolar patients are closely monitored for these risk factors.

I am intrigued to learn that bipolar and these above risk factors do have a correlation with one another. I wouldn’t dare assume that the signs common to that of bipolar means that I can dismiss my mental state. I believe this is important for me to point out as this discussion my be misconstrued as such.

My current state with diabetes has shown that I remain uncontrolled with my blood sugars. Of course, most of which, I am to blame for my noncompliance. Now that my A1C has come back 8.9, I must not ignore the mode of treatment. It is noted that while I must increase my dose of insulin, my weight will increase and the more severe life threatening complications has the potential to a walk down death row without looking back. Perhaps, my last statement maybe taking my illness a bit overboard but, there is no room to taking the disease as no big deal. I may conclude that the better controlled my blood sugar to normal levels the better my recovery with bipolar will be.

I should mention that for me as a treated bipolar with some very harsh sedated medications, my climb to good health is a greater challenge than most. It’s not easy for this patient to obtain such energy when taking Seroquel, Lamicatal, Neurotin, and Cymbalta. I can attest that the motivation exists but, the energy does not. Therefore, the idiosyncratic effect is in such a state of opposing factors makes my compliance is nearly impossible to achieve but, achieve I must. One a side note, a half an hour after taking my seroquel I have a terrible craving for something sweet. I try to rectify this aversion by taking the medication before bedtime. Sometimes it helps and sometimes I can not sleep without having a bowl of cereal.  

It is my hope that a reader will find this helpful and be comforted of the adversity with suffering from diabetes and bipolar disorder.