Author Archives: bipolar type2

My 2 cents on the Sandy Hook incident

Maybe there is something wrong with me? Trust me when I say, I feel a deep pain. All of those people, both children and adults that are gone forever because of one person. All of those parents that lost a child, or God forbid, children yesterday. It makes me so sad that you can’t even feel safe in a school anymore.

I watched a bit of the coverage yesterday. And I have to say, my immediate thought was “This guy had mommy issues”, “He didn’t want his mommy to give anyone else his love.” Much like a stalker I suppose. And maybe my first thought went there, because I was stalked once. I felt sorry for him. I truly felt sorry for him, because I get that pain he felt. The confusion. The anger. I get it. And I feel sorry for him that he felt this was the only way to deal with his pain. I’m sure he felt alone, and in a deep dark hole, and felt this was the only way to get out.

And I question myself. WHY do I feel sorry for him? Am I that fucked in the head that I can relate to someone to that degree? Or am I that compassionate? I mean, I have no idea.

Everyone is mad at the guy. And yes, I am too! As a parent, I don’t understand WHY he did what he did. But as a person with a mental illness, I totally get it. I totally get why he went there. And then I go back to “How can you even relate to someone THAT fucked up?!?!”

And I want to tell all these people that are mad at this guy, that he couldn’t help it, in a round about way. It was reported that he had a personality disorder. People have no sympathy for this guy. And I really understand that. But they also need to think about, how someone with a mental illness lives. Because you can’t SEE anything wrong with us, that doesn’t mean we are ok. We need help and understanding. This guy apparently didn’t get any or enough.

Everyone says if we had stricter control over guns, that this wouldn’t have happened. I’m more inclined to believe that if we as a society had a better understanding of mental illness, a lot of these tragedies would never happen to begin with.

And that is my 2 cents…

So, I walk into this bar with a Doctor, a Psychiatrist, and a Rabbi….

It’s been almost a month since my last post. (Holy shit that sounded like confession! LOL)

I have been having a multitude of issues as of late. Readers digest version: I got a new doc (family physician), I’m back on thyroid medication, was diagnosed AGAIN with Fibromyalgia, but this time folks, we are going to treat it! Doc asked if I felt my bipolar diagnosis was accurate.

*scratches head* Um? I think so? I mean unless there is something else wrong with me to make me act this way? Oh! My thyroid can do that? I head of that… Oh… Fibromyalgia too? Interesting…..

So this has apparently opened a whole NEW can of worms for me.

So, back to square one. What the fuck in my problem? Maybe I have Bipolar. Maybe I don’t. Fuck. And now every medical record I have is tainted with this diagnosis. So what if it is wrong, and I don’t really have it? Well, lets just worry about the here and now and deal with things as they happen. (that is me talking to myself folks…)

I go back next Monday to go over results (i have already seen them, but we will go over them face to face) and to also discuss medication for the fibro. THANK FUCKING JESUS! I have been in so much pain it is not even funny.

One of THOSE days…

I feel like I could breathe fire… and not because I have halitosis, but because I am soooooooooooooooooooooo fuuuuuuuuuuckin aggrivated! EVERYTHING is getting on my nerves. Why is it, that everything can be going along just fine, and then boom! I get pissed? Actually I have been irritated for a week or so but just trying to handle things. My words come out as so sharp and sarcastic, even when I don’t mean for them to be. I just need some alone time. And that is blown right out the window, because my daughter wants to go to the store with me…. Because….. she doesn’t get out enough.

Sounds like a personal problem to me. And um… I leave the house for three occasions; to take the youngest to the bus stop, to pick the youngest up from the bus stop, and to go grocery shopping. The daughter comes and goes as she pleases… She has gone out almost every night this week. So…. I am so much smarter than that. She WANTS something…. That is the only time she wants to be out with me, is if I can give her something. At least that is how I feel. *sigh*

The oldest son peeved me, he will empty the dishwasher later…. when he wants to… WHAT? Ok, two can play at that game….

Then perhaps I won’t pay you this week until you get your shit done.

Good Lord. Really? I do see what it was that pushed me over the edge and made me get on meds… It was my children.

Sunday can’t get here soon enough!

Hanging on

I’m still around… and I’m hanging on. Looking forward to going away on Sunday. My best friend and I are going to a casino and staying until WEDNESDAY! If you recall, we were supposed to go away for my birthday, but she went and had an emergency situation with her gallbladder. So, I wanted to take her to Vegas for hers, but… The flights cost way too much. So, we are going Sunday and we are both so excited. We both need it. I need to get away from here. I have been a sarcastic bitch lately. I guess nothing is wrong with that, but it IS starting to get on my nerves. I have been VERY flighty lately as well.Can’t keep track of my thoughts and forget things in a matter of seconds, literally. So, it’s time to get some R&R.

We will be drinking…. In my head I am going to party like a rock star! But reality is a whole different ball of wax. I don’t know if I can party like that anymore. But bringing lots of things for us to do in the room (we love playing cards). And there is also a gym, swimming pool, Jacuzzi, and sauna. So, we will not be bored. Just enough relaxation time, to cook everything on Thursday – the day after I get back. But that is ok. It’s just my parents that will be here so it’s all good.

People are strange

I had a video the other day, tried uploading it twice, but it took too damn long. So, no video for you. :)

All I have to say is, everyone is an idiot but me. I don’t mean that really. I mean, you’re not an idiot. At least, I don’t think so… I mean the general populous has gone insane. Sometimes I wonder how I can seem to be the most mature person… It makes me so sick about my fellow Americans acting like sniveling children because their candidate didn’t win. Who the fuck cares? I mean, LET IT GO…. MOVE ON…. ACCEPT THINGS AS THEY ARE! No, they have all gone into Fight mode. People are doing some serious shit. It is leaving me speechless. People are saying that Obama supporters would be acting like this too if he had lost. Um no, I don’t think so… If anything I think the race card might be played, but that is it.

But the point of my blog today was not meant to be political.

I’ve had to take some Ativan here recently. Shit it just getting crazy here at the house. I’m losing my patience and my mind. And I have been having mixed episodes. But for the most part I have been upbeat and pleasant to be around. There are just some things that are grating on my nerves… But I can deal with them. I have faith in myself.

I’m looking for some good book recommendations if you have any? I like a variety of genres, so just start telling me about some good books you have read. Either recently or in the past.

Make It Stop!

The Universe is shitting on me this week.
First the doctor. Then Trick or Treat got moved to…. NOVEMBER 2. Then my dryer dies, and now my sink is clogged in the kitchen. Tried to call new doctor to make appointment and no one answered. I even let it ring 10 fucking times!

I have asked my daughter to clean the common area of all of her crap so we can walk through, and it has taken her 3 days to even start. And that is because it HAS to be cleaned up, because we have to get a new dryer. She is leaving her crap everywhere…. We MUST have a discussion about this. And She doesn’t do anything but sleep, eat, and shower. She doesn’t help around the house. Doesn’t even ask HOW she can help. She just lounges around. No, I’m NOT having this!

Calgone? Where are you? I need you. And a GREAT BIG BOTTLE OF APPLE BARN WINE!

Holy Fucking Hell.

Discrimination in the Medical Field (or… my experience at the Family Doctors…)

Oh. My. God. Yesterday was horrible. I went to the doc to get an order for my labs. This was the first (and LAST) time I saw this new doctor that took over the practice. Not a good experience, and just Oh… My… God….

Excerpt from my FB:

Well, went to the Dr… what a trip that was. Got my lab orders and an appointment in a month. I learned that I am overweight (shocker, I know!) and I need to go on a program, you know, the kind that you pay for, so that I will stick to it. I’m suffering from the “American Diet”. And well, all the pain I deal with? Yeah, I just gotta suck it up! Nothing he can do about it. And Oh, how he wishes he can send me to France, so I could just drop 50 pounds! But the Dr. is so proud of me for being off my meds! I have so many people depending on me, I’m such an important person, and it is a blessing I haven’t let my Bipolar get in the way of my life.

Really? I’m so upset. Like my feelings are hurt. I feel like I wa not understood at all. And… I might not have Lupus, because ANA tests are crap. Ok… Still leaves me completely clueless about what is going on with me. I do have lab orders… Will be getting those done at a different day. Today was just too much. I had to have my BP taken 4 times, they couldn’t get my insurance card to recognize me…. I will give the doc another shot… Today WAS a monday…. But if I still don’t mesh with him, I will be looking for a new doctor. I just felt like I was talking to a brick wall….

One of the things that makes me upset is I have changed my eating habits. I will admit that here lately I have strayed (to the point I have gained 3 pounds) But even when I did lose all that weight, It still wasn’t enough, I was still over weight, even with the exercise. Don’t tell me that I suffer from the American Diet, when you don’t even ask how I eat!

And lets not forget the whole “I am annoyed because I KNOW there is something not right, but no one believes me” thing I have going on…

Not to mention, this dude asked me if I graduated high school! AND THEN proceeded to tell me that I must not have Bipolar very bad if I managed to graduate high school. WHAT? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!?!? Dude, you don’t even know my story, and hey, thanks for asking! Thank you for ASSUMING things!

And back to the American Diet thing…. He assumed because I am overweight that I nosh on McDonalds and other fast food 24/7. Because he lectured me on drinking 32 ounce sodas.. Um… I don’t drink soda. Furthermore, I don’t let my kids drink soda. As a matter of fact, we do not allow anything with HFCS in our house! Don’t lecture me on things that do not pertain to me. I explained that we are a long line of heavy women, and that my mother even had to have weight loss surgery… Well, he thought that was ridiculous. If people would just go to France, and stop drinking soda, we would be a healthier nation. OK, fucker, you don’t even know how much my mother struggled. She dieted, she exercised, and NOTHING helped. It was under the advisement of mer physician that she have the surgery. Because she has a lung disease and she was dying slowly, and if she didn’t get rid of some weight, she WAS in danger of dying…. So, tell me again how stupid it was for my mother to have surgery.

And then he remarked on our diet. I told him that I have modified my diet because my husband is on the paleo diet and has been for several years… Well, that is a weird diet! But he guesses everyone has to be weird. Yet, right before that, he was going on about how great his Gluten Free diet was and how he can stand on his head!?! (For those of you that don’t know, the Gluten Free and Paleo diet are VERY very similar!)

And did you know I don’t look like I have arthritis? I didn’t know there was a certain “Look”. And I like this one too… Medications do not cause weight gain! Then he felt like an ass because he looked at my medications list and said about every one of them…. “Oh, that one causes weight gain….” (This was gone over when he asked me how long I have been over weight, and I told him ever since I have been on psych meds!)

And in case you didn’t know, there are people in poor countries that don’t even have band aids, they have to deal with their pain.

All in all, I felt like he did a lot of assumptions. He assumed that I sit on my ass and eat fast food and crap and that is why I am over weight. He assumed that I do not have Bipolar very bad if I could manage to graduate High school (Um… I wasn’t diagnosed with BP until I was in my 30′s, but I did deal with depression and self medicated with drugs and alcohol while in high school) He assumed that I don’t have arthritis even though it does state on my records that I have osteoarthritis…. Basically there is NOTHING wrong with me, and I just have to live with the pain and fatigue because people in other countries don’t have band aids, and American’s just want drugs….

For the record, I wasn’t drug seeking, and if he looked at my records he would see that it has actually been exactly 1 year since I have been to the family doctor. I just want to know what the hell is wrong with me and then work on getting better through diet and exercise. (Meds if needed to manage)

So, today, I’m looking for a new doc. Fuck this shit.

Welcome to the Jungle

No, not really…. but it was a title…

My daughter moved back in. I’m mixed about it. I’m happy she is here because she is my daughter, I love her, and all that happy crap… But since she moved in, she quit her new job. Says she will be working with her cousin doing photography, but that will not last long because she stopped doing that last time because she didn’t get paid enough. She signed up for school (Spring quarter) but I’m not sure if she just did that so she doesn’t have to work. So… shit is going to get tight around here. And who knows where my sanity is going to end up. I already feel a monkey on my back, but I think that is just anticipation of shit hitting the fan.

I have a dr. appointment tomorrow morning. Just a check up and to get a slip for my labs, so nothing will really be pinpointed tomorrow, which sucks but, it is what it is…

I’ve had some blips… acting crazy, maniacal laughter for no reason…. I guess this is just what life has to offer me at this point. Thank GOD I haven’t hit a depression yet…. I fear that a lot. Here is to hoping for the best…

Again, again!

Hallucinated again…

My oldest son was with me in the car…. driving on the way home from the grocery store. I swear to god I saw a black snake slither up out of the street and then go back down into the street…. I even had my glasses on this time. :/

I’d rather not do this around my kids. Oy vay…


Dazed and Confused

Sorry, I have been out of it lately. The past couple days more so than the rest. I don’t understand it and that frustrates me. It’s as if I have been completely and utterly exhausted. My father in law was here for a visit, and I felt so embarrassed… I was not well at all, and I couldn’t stop what was happening.

Slap happy, confused, losing stuff, irritated, tired… all rolled into one.

I swear it was like I was exhausted, but I have done nothing to feel THAT exhausted. I have been sleeping well, and the only thing I have done was a little yard work on Sunday, and then cleaning house. That was it. So really, I can’t be exhausted, It just doesn’t make any sense… Unless I’m having some kind of Lupus flair or Fibromyalgia flair, because my body has been in a lot of pain… like a fuzzy pain. Like the kind of pain you get when you are sick with the flu; achy bruisy kind of feeling….

My father in law is just assuming that I am having problems getting my shit together since I am at home by myself now. I’m not yet acclimated to being home alone during the day yet in his eyes…. So, ok, we will go with that… I’m more than happy for him to think that. Because it’s much more better than him thinking I need to go to the nut hut, right?

I had lunch with my darling husband yesterday, and it was confession time for me. I told him about me seeing things again. I’mm seeing shadow figures, and colors running…. Last time I have visual hallucinations, I was stressed, and my pdoc was confused as to why I was having them… But now, I don’t have anything to really stress me out right now.

I swear the cat was with me downstairs when I was doing laundry, and I saw her out of the corner of my eye, run into my son’s room, but I checked and she wasn’t there… Yeah, she was upstairs, never came down. Then the other day I was doing dishes, and I swear to God it looked like the ink was melting off of our dishes… blueish-purple suds were all over the dishes, and when I would wash, it was like I was washing them in ink? It was fucking weird and scary, and that incident really rang some bells for me. So, I have been trying to keep an eye on myself…. But yeah, I told him about all of that and he did seem a bit concerned… Which is a change, because when it comes to my mental health, I don’t think he shows much concern…. And mostly because lack of understanding.

So that is where I have been…. Dazed and confused… walking around in my own little world… and I hate this. I used to blame this on the meds… but I’m not on meds, so I don’t know what in the hell is going on. I am hoping to get an appointment with our family doc so I can get my bloodwork done to check all my lupus and arthritis readings…