Author Archives: Bipolar life covered by grace


The internet has eaten 3 things I have typed out to post in the last week! To say I’m aggravated is an understatement. I don’t pay attention to what I write most of the time. But it’s almost always good! 😊

So I will try again with a post from last night….

When did I become a woman? More importantly at what point did I start viewing myself that way?

I was thinking last night about a certain situation and I ended up calling myself a woman in what was to possibly be my words to someone.

As soon as I had the thought I was immediately sidetracked. I have never seamlessly called myself a woman. Much less referred to myself as one in discussion. When did that change happen? What has happened in my life that I now believe I embody the word woman?

Up until 3 and a half years ago when I was medicated for my Bipolar I would have told you I’m not grow up to be considered a woman. I refer to myself as girl, lady, female, anything else. And really it has been in recent months I have started to look at myself differently.

I AM a woman. I have lived if life that has taken me places I never thought I would go and given me things I never even knew I wanted. I am funny, intelligent, hard working, caring, loving, friendly, considerate, empathetic, and wise. Why shouldn’t I consider myself a word that embodies so many of those things.

I have fought and give my tears for so many different things. I have given of myself to the people I love and I have stood strong in the process. I am in ways and in many cases the calm in the storm. I embrace what is happening and I seek ways to learn from it.

I have peace I don’t think I have ever had before. Maybe it’s in that peace that I have found the strength to see the amazing, kind, and loving woman that I truly am.

So today I will face my day with the knowledge that I AM enough! That the thing we as women strive for is the very thing I have finally found. I am a strong woman. I am a loving woman. And I am a woman that knows what she wants and how to get it.

I am a woman that can take that peace and apply it to the situations and issues in my life and use the wisdom I have found to help others along the way. I am a mom and for a long time I thought that word defined me. But now I realize that yes being a Mom does in many ways define. But being a woman is about ALL of me. And all of me is enough to be called a woman of grace and dignity and love. And for that, I am eternally grateful!!

Be blessed!!

FYI- I don’t think it’s as good as the original. But it’s pretty good. Lol


I am consumed and I don’t know how to fix it.

I didn’t find out I was Bipolar until I was 33. At 33 my oldest son was 15 before I was diagnosed and medicated. So he has lived most of his life with a Mom that’s a little crazy! I think that because I wasn’t medicated my brain did not see the things that it does now. I knew he was an amazing kid and I enjoyed talking with him but I don’t think I could really see it.

Four years later my meds are fully on board and my two younger kids are 14 and 12(13 in June) and I am consumed by watching them and seeing the things they do. I am consumed by the clarity that I now have. My illness started in 8th grade. I did things I wasn’t supposed to. I didn’t listen to teachers, I didn’t listen to my parents or friends or anyone. At the time I’m not really sure what I thought but somehow I thought it was normal.

I was wrong!! I was messed up and my thoughts were not that of a normal 13 year old. My thoughts were chaotic and I remember over and over telling myself tomorrow would be different. And then tomorrow came and I did something wrong or said things that were inappropriate or started a fight(verbal argument) with someone. I argued with my bible class teachers and parents and anyone else that I thought needed to be set straight.

I have seen so clearly through my kids that so much of my life was not normal. A couple weeks ago my daughter was telling me about a girl at school that always has her phone out but never gets in trouble. So I asked her if she ever got her phone out. To which she replied, “No, I would be the one that would get in trouble and you would yell at me”. I looked at her sand said, “that’s a good attitude to have, I never had that attitude.”

She’s told me that before that she doesn’t do something cause I will yell at her(by yell she means a lecture that lasts longer than she wants and makes her roll her eyes🙄) It doesn’t seem like a big deal but for me it is. It consumes me, I think about it over and over and wonder why I was the one that had to be different. I have always carried around a little resentment but I just can’t take this consumed feeling that I get on a regular basis.

It doesn’t help that I have very good kids. Don’t get me wrong I am so proud of them. I am so thankful that I get to watch them do amazing things. Like last week my 14 year old 8th grade boy used his own money to buy his whole 8th period class valentines. It was like $40 and he just shrugged his shoulder when I said that was really sweet and nice of you. Lily had a teacher ask her to help at a special event at school and she was one of only two people asked.

It consumes me how good and amazing they are and how horrible my teenage years were. I know that I have been able to do a,axing things and that I am a very vocal advocate for mental health. But it’s sure hard sometimes to watch them and not think what if. I need it to go away. I WANT it to go away. I want to be able to enjoy my awesome kids without the thought that I missed out and I was ill for close to 20 years of my life. At this point that’s over half. I am so glad I am better. I am so glad that I can look at my kids and my life and really see and understand what is going on.

But I am consumed I can’t find the light. I can’t stop being sad for my younger self and I don’t know how to let go of the fact that it’s not fair. It washes over me like a wave. I am fine and then my daughter does something or tells me a story and it all flows through me again. I am so happy and at the same time I am so sad. I don’t know how to fix it and I don’t know how to make that part of me at peace. I don’t know what it will take for me to accept it and let it go but I hope it comes soon because being consumed by this at the most mundane moments is getting really old and tired. How sad that I look at my kids and see what missed out of instead of just being proud that I have really GOOD kids!,

As always be blessed!


I’ve been thinking a lot about kids the last few months. Our oldest is now officially in college and I miss him something fierce. And he doesn’t seem to understand that even a little. I know, I know, it’s his age. Blah, blah, blah. I spent 18 years being his Mom and if him treating me like I mean something to him and that he wants me in his life is wrong. Well then, in wrong and I will stay wrong. And just getting over it isn’t really something I’m interested in doing.

People often agree with me in theory but have a hard time understanding that I really try to practice what I preach. And I appreciate when others treat me that way. I keep getting talked to and having discussions where people act like I’m not who I say I am. Or that I don’t try to live by and stand by the things I say and do. Am I wrong sometimes? Sure, probably pretty regularly. But that doesn’t mean I deserve to be treated like crap.

I have found myself looking at the meme’s and reading articles about single mothers and wondering what all the hype is and why they get so much credit. Now before you freak I was a single Mom for almost 4 years. But I had a LOT of help. In reality I still do from my family and from people who care about my kids. But there are very few single mothers who don’t have the same. Actually in many ways they get MORE help than I got with my three kids when I was married and my husband was working. I had him and he was tired(rightfully so). He did his best to help in the evenings when he was home but I still spent at least 8 hours a day alone with kids. Where’s my meme or my cheering section. I get this isn’t something most people will say or even talk about for that matter. But I get tired of hearing it. In many ways what I do is so much hard than being single. My husband and I have to figure out how to be on the same page about discipline, and what our kids participate in. Not to mention the part where I am HIS wife and have things that I have to think about regarding him. I mean really being single would allow me to make decisions based on me and no one else. So ya I’m a little frustrated and irritated.

I am not nor have I ever claimed to be perfect but if all I have to look forward to is my other 2 kids moving out and not speaking to me. Well, I’m just not interested in that. Maybe I should give up now. Cause why would I want to do that? I don’t ever remember one single person telling me how hard this was going to be. Or how it will be just as hard with my other two. And they will go on living their lives seemingly without even a thought to how I might feel or that I miss them. And I’m just supposed to shove all that and pretend it’s ok because I am still their parent? That doesn’t make sense to me. If it doesn’t matter what I do my kids kids are going to be mad about it and carry it into their adult lives then why do I try so hard?? Right or wrong doesn’t seem to matter or play a part. Much less the fact that I have more experience than them and they still manage to treat me like I don’t know anything.

On another topic. I got a new job. It’s a brand new restaurant that opened yesterday. Their computers went down and messed up and they pulled us out of our positions and had the training team step in. I get, I do. I’ve worked in good a long time I know how it works. But I feel like I was set up to fail from the beginning and then spent about 15 minutes crying. Ugh!! You know how you never want people to see you at your worst or (gasp) crying. Well I’ve just decided I will never be in a position again where I can hold it together. Where I don’t have to tell people that I have an illness. Which just makes me wish 1) I didn’t have an illness, and 2) that I never found out I have an illness.

Now to be clear. I know I have an illness and I am completely med compliant because well, God made smart people who figured out how to make these amazing meds and if I didn’t take them I feel like I would be spitting in Gods face. And I make enough mistakes I don’t need to add that one. Plus, for the most part I really like who I am medicated. Even 3 years later I have these moments where I can see things with such clarity and I am blown away by them. And I mean that. I have moments where it’s like the world stops spinning and I have such clarity of thought. Something that I didn’t even know was possible pre medication. But it still gets tiring.

It is physically and mentally painful for me on days like yesterday. All these people are looking at me and trying to make sure I’m ok and they have no clue. Thankfully no one has followed up and I hope that no one says anything. Because I don’t want to tell them and I’m afraid that I will have to. But people really do start looking at you differently. Or they act like the things you say have less meaning even though you KNOW how to do your job and you’ve done it long enough you have a TON of tricks and secrets. But they don’t want to listen. Maybe that’s just because they have to learn for themselves but it sure doesn’t feel that way to me.

So I pray they don’t ask, I pray that if they ask I won’t decide to tell them because it really is so hard to do. Oh oh!! Also, I have already had 2 of my co-workers tell me they are bipolar. One isn’t on medication at all and the other one only takes an anti depressant. Who I am to say?? No one. But to be honest they aren’t the first ones to say that. And they aren’t the first ones to say it and not be on medication like I am. And I consider myself lucky because I only take 4 meds. My point is. I will likely feel very lonely for the rest of my life. Even when people say they understand most of them don’t. They can walk around not medicated and still take care of their lives and family. I don’t think they truly understand. The more I look back the more I realize that this illness has been causing problems in my life at least since I was 12 or 13. That’s a lot of years of things might have been different if. Not to mention that it’s so hard to process when you know you did something wrong and I did some of those things. But there are other things that I know I likely would not have done had I known about my illness. I don’t blame anyone or anything. It’s just hard to think about. And it’s a little bit hard to watch my kids thrive and do so well and be such good kids at the exact same age I was when things started going off the rails. I live with these things because I really have no choice and I’m sure people really don’t care. Especially my kids. They haven’t seen all the things that have happened over the last 15 years. They have no idea what I have done and been a part of with my step kids. I never would have thought I would have to fight to see and be around my own kids. I’m having a really tough time with this and it makes me so sad!

So I guess that’s probably enough. I should really update more!! Will try to do better!!

My Babies Aren’t Babies

I’m 36. I just finished reading an article from a woman that is 45 to the 30 something mothers of young children. I read that article and I have read many more like it. They are wonderful and most of the time spot on. What you don’t here about much is the 30 somethings will grown or almost grown kids. 

I had my oldest a month after I turned 18. So if you can do math he is now 18. And graduated and going to college(in town here, but still). Then I have a 13 and 12 year old. I’m not done parenting by any stretch but it’s definitely a vastly different world than having toddlers or infants. My sister, who will be 35 in July had a 10 y/o, a 3y/o, and a 6 month old. We are at completely seperate ends of the parenting cycle. 

While there’s nothing wrong with that I do often feel alone. In a world where people are waiting later and later to have children. I had mine early. My daughter will graduate when I am 42. While it’s exciting to think my husband and I will finally be able to do more together without anyone else. It isn’t something that I know anything about. 

I have always been a mother. I have never been an adult person without children. And while kids growing up and moving out of has different so many emotions balled up together. For me it just kind of makes me paralyzed. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to act. I don’t even know how to think without  kids being involved. Every decision that’s made includes them. 

I am that 45 year old woman looking at people my own age and saying. You WILL miss this. It WILL get better. It will change and the things driving you mad right now will change into being terrified of your kids making decisions for themselves. I know so many things about kids. About how they act and the things they do. And I try to share as much as I can. I see the mother with three kids in the back of her van and feel compelled to say “you’re gonna make it. It will be ok.”

Not that any of this is wrong or bad but it’s very different. I also have a step daughter who is grown with her own kids. Not to many people my age know what it’s like to try to love and help someone who is already adult with their own children. So I know things. I know that your children will make decisions that break your heart. I know that parenting a grown up is vastly different and requires a lot of thought and consciousness of what you say and do. I know that teenagers will get mad at you, and stay mad at you no matter how much you do for them. I know that sometimes you have to make very difficult choices in order to protect your child from him or her self. And I know that as you start to realize you are getting your life back. You carry around in the pit of your stomach a fear and worry that never completely goes away. 

I’m 36. I don’t have a lot of people my age that can relate because they all have young children. I am 36 and know things that Mommas in their 40’s know. I am 36 and my sister, who’s 18 months younger than me, can’t really relate to anything that is happening in my life right now. I’m 36 and I feel like I have already lived a lifetime. A lifetime of love and of laughter. A lifetime of pain and anguish. A lifetime of trying to help teach and guide my children into being the people that they should be. A lifetime of putting myself in the back burner to the point that I woke up one day and there was no you left for me to use that back burner. So it’s my time or our time. And I don’t know what to do with it. Because I still have 2 that have several years to go I still don’t know the feeling of not having someone know where I am or what I am doing. But they are old enough that I can do things without them. And that means that there is more time for me. I find myself wondering what that means. I don’t really know what to do with my time. For the most part every minute or of everyday has been full of others wants and needs. I wasn’t able to sit and watch a movie because someone always needed something. Or they were fighting or any number of other things. When you start being a Mom before your ever really an adult you don’t get to decide what you want to do. You don’t get to do things and not worry about someone else. You can’t just decide to pick up and go somewhere or do something. I didn’t go to my first real concert until I was late 20’s. Not because I didn’t have someone to watch my kids but because they are my kids. And while all parents need a break from time to time I never felt right asking others to watch my kids on a regular basis. 

So here I sit at 36. With the knowledge of people much older than me and people around me that don’t necessarily believe me when I tell them things. I have already been through the years where I thought I was a bad Mom, ALL THE TIME!!!! I have come out in the other side and as I watched my son walk across that stage this year and get his high school diploma. I knew that I did good. I knew that if I never do anything else I made an actual real impact on his life. I knew then that it doesn’t matter how old you are. Or how you choose to raise your kids. It’s the love and life lessons you help them learn that ultimately leave an imprint on everything that they do. Ya I started young. Yes, there were those who I’m sure believed I would fail. At raising my son. At staying married. At being the person I need to be for my step daughter. But I have done ALL those things. They aren’t in the future they are RIGHT NOW!! And I get to be proud and I get to let a little bit of that fear go because I know that if the only thing they ever learned from me is love. That’s enough. So even though I’m 36 and once again hitting a milestone long before this around me. I KNOW that I have something to give. And I know that I have living proof that I made a difference. 

So to the 30 something moms. Please know that there will be a day when you too can say “I made a difference”. When you can say the love my children learned came from me. When you too will know that while it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done, it’s also the very best thing you have done. And that is true for everyone of us that chooses  our kids and puts in the time it takes to love them. And to teach them that if they know nothing else they know their mother loves them. 

Thanks for reading. Be blessed! And kiss those babies!!


We all know that dealing with mental illness is hard. That sometimes you have emotions and reactions that you don’t want to have. It isn’t something that we wouldn’t choose to change if we could, so we just do our best to manage it and do the least amount of damage. 

We walk through our days determining whether we have failed succeeded or ,a year a little of both. And it’s hard to explain to people what it’s like. There really aren’t any good analogies, but every once in a while I get close to describing what is going on inside me. I think the longer I am medicated, or maybe it’s the older I get, I start to see patterns. I start to know what I can handle and what is going to be tremendously hard. I know I am constantly trying to tell people what I can and can’t do and what will happen should certain events present themselves. 

I have always told my son, and am now starting with the younger two, that I don’t want to get a phone call saying he’s in the hospital when he was supposed to be somewhere else. It’s not that I wouldn’t be glad he’s alive. It’s that I don’t typically have the ability to handle spur of the moment change. And I know I would show up at the hospital spitting nails because that would be my first emotion. I HATE liars. I get that most people lie or omit things from time to time. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about when someone tells me one thing and then turns around and does the exact opposite. I don’t have time for that. And I don’t really have the time to try to figure out and, at least for me, I am so open minded that if you feel the need to lie to me it makes me wonder if you should even be in my life. I have listened to people tell me some outrageous things and I just look at them. Or I tell them I don’t agree but that it’s their life.  After all the things I believe and hold dear aren’t the same things that others do. 

Having said all that, the last month has been absolutely horrible. There have been too many things that have gone wrong. There have been several seperate situations where I have been lied to and overlooked. While I know that there’s nothing I can do and that ultimately others have to make their own mistakes and learn their own lessons. That doesn’t mean I’m not angry about it. And the thing is there have been several instances where I have said something over and over again and it’s like it was just ignored. While I know it likely is not a directed slight that’s what it feels like to me. I have also learned that it takes me a while, usually days, sometimes more to recover from those initial emotions and sadness and anger. In hose cases I find myself doing my best just to not say anything, or very little. Because if I start talking it could go really bad really fast. I don’t like that. I don’t like that I can’t be rational and appropriately emotional. The rational and logical part of me is always there. It’s like I can stand outside my body and say what I know I SHOULD say, but when I try to talk about it I just get more hurt and angry. When these issues come up your kids it’s that much harder. Because you don’t want to be mad. You know that they have to live their lives and make their own mistakes and figure out how to get themselves out if they make the choice. But that doesn’t really matter. Especially when you have consciously made decision about what you want your relationship to be like with them. When you are their friend and their greatest cheerleader and they do something to just crap all over it. And THEN they want to make it out like it’s your fault, or you aren’t loving enough, or you didn’t say the right thing. When they make bad choices and want to act like you shouldn’t care so much, or they are fine, or whatever. 

Well it’s become painfully obvious that all the time, thought, and attention I have paid to creating loving lasting relationships was in vain. Because now they have made their own choice and they never even stop to consider what you might feel like. And they definitely don’t take any time to sit down and talk to you and explain things. It doesn’t occur to them that they have hurt you. I often think about how my Mom must have felt at times. But first my Mom is very different from me. And second my Mom has been my best friend since I was like 16. I don’t necessarily talk about everything. But I don’t hold back either. I have told her my mistakes. I have asked her guidance and advice and I have followed that advice because I knew even if I didn’t feel like it, or it wasn’t what I wanted to do, that she was right. And just one time it would be nice if I was on the receiving end of that. Instead of kids that don’t ever think about me and even if they do, don’t have the strength to come talk to me. And then they wonder what MY problem is. Well, it’s not my job to chase you. It breaks my heart that you don’t place any time or value on what I have done or that fact that I have always been there and always been supportive. None of that matters because on this one issue I don’t agree and I let you know about it. I am tired. I’m tired of putting so much thought and energy into relationships that are obviously going to be vastly different than what I hoped they would be. I’m tired of being the one that is always there and always loving. It didn’t used to bother me so much because I just did my thing. But you can only be lied to and cast aside so many times before you just run out of caring. 

Right now, and for the last several weeks, I give up. I don’t care what you do. I’m not going to chase you to try to make you understand how much I love you. And how much I want you in my life in an open and honest way. I’m angry, like blood boiling angry, and so far days and weeks haven’t really helped to make it receded to back where it belongs. I can only conclude from that that I need to make a change. That I have to start doing something different because obviously being the loving, come to me for anything Mom clearly isn’t working. I have had completely outrageous thoughts that for most people I know would seem like totally off script. But you know what?? If what I say and do doesn’t matter to those people then I really have no need for them. My husband loves me and even when we don’t like each other he is still there. We figure it out, we work it out. There was a time when that wasn’t always true. So I will hold onto and cherish that. I will be thankful that even when we fight I know that HE cares about me enough to be concerned with how I feel and what I need. And I think I will make the decision to leave my children right where they are. They aren’t my friends. They don’t need me. So they can come to me. And if they only come on holidays and family events that’s how it’s supposed to work anyway. People see their family when they have to and they pretend and be nice and never really get any deeper into anything. Maybe it’s easier that way. That way I don’t have this anger, resentment, and hurt to carry around with me. Because I never thought it would be there in the first place. 

That’s where emotions get tough. I literally do not have the ability to reason with myself once the emotions have started. And when I am surprised out of no where with life changing information it’s even worse. I would love to be able to force my emotions to fall in line with my logic. But sometimes that’s literally not possible. I tell myself all the logical and rational thoughts about a specific situation and then as soon as I open my mouth the anger and hurt want to come out. Currently I am on about a month of feelings this way. I have to learn to do better so that I can take care of myself and make sure that I don’t go off the deep end. I’m not doing so hot with that right now. But having made some decisions about how I will act and what I will say in the future has made me feel a little better. I don’t have to be there for people who don’t want me, or worse never even gave me a thought in the first place. So here’s to changing things up and taking care of myself. It’s been long long overdo. 
Thanks for reading!! Have a blessed day!! And remember all those who have given their life to protect us and the greatest country in the world!! Gone but not forgotten!!


Now this isn’t probably a widely vocalized point. But after the events of the last week or so, and the day I spent worried sick about my son because he made a stupid decision. You can read about that Here

Anyway, I have decided there are times when forcing yourself to be in denial can only benefit you. Specifically when you have so many thoughts and emotions floating around that you can’t function. You can only have the picture of your child in a casket so many times before you have to do whatever it takes it get rid of it. So, I just decided to be in denial. What does denial give me??

Well, first it gives me the ability to talk about the situations in general terms without having a panic attack. Second, it allows me to see that hopefully one day my son will understand the impact his actions had on everyone, but specifically his dad and I. Second, it keeps me from reliving the same thoughts and emotions over and over. I literally can’t not let it go unless I just remove myself completely through denial. 

Since the other days actuvities I have found out there’s yet another thousand reasons why my child doesn’t get it. We are not helicopter parents or have we ever been. We allow our kids to make decisions for themselves and often allow the natural consequences to be the only punishment they receive. That’s not to say we don’t punish our kids but by the time they are driving and have jobs if you haven’t made the point to them, you aren’t going to. We are not however rich people. We bought our son a used car on credit and just paid the last of that off in the last 6 months(yes that would be the car he destroyed when he decided to drive through water). We didn’t even get mad about that. We just said well maybe you learned a lesson since you’re without a car now. Sorry, anyway, they don’t receive nothing but we often have to decide between one thing or another as far as money goes. So he got a car instead of braces. I’m sure there are those who believe their kids should get whatever they want, or that their children’s needs come before theirs. And in the very fundamental ways they do. But my son treats us like we destroyed his life because he was never able to get braces. And I am absolutely serious here. He made sure to point out I got my teeth fixed before him. Well, news flash there are things we legally have to provide and one of them is not braces, or dental care at all for that matter. And if after all the things we have gotten and given and done for you you hate us enough to not want to see us then that is on you. 

So as you can see there are many reasons for me to be in denial. And this really is just the tip of the iceberg. But denial works. Denial will allow me to at least sort of let these things go. Because there is nothing I can do about them right now. I can’t make my entitled selfish child understand how much we actually have him. So I have to wait for nature to take its course. I have to wait the 10,15, or 20 years it’s going to take for my son to realize what we truly gave him and how big a deal his “unwise”(that’s his word) decisions were last week. And in the mean time I don’t want to spend that much time not talking to my kid and having him in my life. 

So I will be in denial. I will pull some of these things out and think on them from time to time. But mostly I will be in denial. I will stay there until some day in the future when my son is ready and we can discuss this. I will stay there because if I don’t I will likely only want revenge. Or to keep things from my son like gifts, and holidays, and family dinners. I will want to punish him for something that I KNOW he has no way of understanding right now. Denial will allow me to act like what I want to feel inside. It will allow me to keep loving him and keep giving to him because he’s my son and I love him. 

I’m really not a fake person. Ask anybody who knows me and they will tell you that what you see is what you get. And it’s true. In most cases I don’t have the ability to be fake without it greatly affecting my brain.  It destroys what is inside of me and causes me to a be a person that I never want to be. So, when it’s my kid or another family member I just use denial. 

I think I probably learned this sometime during the 20ish years I was not diagnosed or treated. I’m just now able to see some of these things for what they are. And while many a person will tell you denial is bad. I will tell you it’s good, even for just a short time sometimes. I can tell you that should anything tragic happen to anyone in my family or close circle of friends I will have to be in denial, or I will end up in the hospital. It’s not that you don’t have emotions or don’t care. It’s a defense mechanism. It allows for the passage of time to sooth the rough edges of the pain, or anger, or heartache and allow you to keep living when all you really want to do is checkout and spend copious amounts of time alone. It allows me to be removed a little bit so I can still do the things that need to be done. Mostly, it’s going to allow me to love my son. To be around him and enjoy him and share life with him until someday in the future when it finally hits him how what he did made me feel. Because otherwise I wouldn’t be able to let it go. My obsessive thoughts would sneak in and destroy any kind of involvement that there is. So I will get all the way to full denial one day soon and when I do I will be able to think about him without wanting to strangle him. Or without trying to force from him and acknowledgement or apology that he isn’t prepared to give at this time. But it will let us be close and be a family and I would never want that to be compromised or taken from anyone in our family because of actions that may have been hurtful, or nasty words that have been said. I won’t deprive my family of part of the family because I can’t make my brain do what I want it to. So I will be in denial. I will live my life and I will pray that one day my son will truly understand what he did to us and why it was such a big deal. 

Denial, a good way to cope when you find yourself with no other good choices. 

Thanks for reading! Be blessed today!! And hug the people you love, even if you have to find yourself in denial to do so. 

Obsessive Thoughts

My 18 year old son did something stupid. First, a couple days ago he and a friend decided to drive on a road that was partially flooded from all the rain we have had. Then the water was higher when they came back and so of course he tried to drive through it anyway and got his car stuck. Now we don’t know the whole story. Only bits and pieces that he has shared that we are pretty confident isn’t the whole story. Anyway, yesterday they decided to go back and try to see if they could get his car out of the water at least and then get it out when the water goes down. And we are talking about 6-8 miles. We still aren’t sure how far down it was. So they left their car where the sign was that the road was closed and proceeded to walk through the water. At 8 or so I guess they stopped at a guys house and my son uses his phone to call my husband and tell him they were out there. Leaving out how much water and how far they were going. At 10pm the man whose phone my son used called my husband to say that the boys were last seen in very high water and that he had called the sheriff. But thought that we should call them as well. So he did that and we called family to let them know they were missing. My husbands friend came over and took him out to where the car was. By this time they had sheriff, state police, and game and fish out there looking for the boys. We got the call about 130am that they had found them but were having a hard time getting to them. They made it home and my husband said my son stuck his head in the door and was like “well operation get my car failed”. 

Really?? I mean really?? That’s what you have to say. We talked to them this morning and when I told my son that I thought he was dead floating in the water somewhere. And that I had pictured him in a casket, he acted like it didn’t matter. He doesn’t seem to understand that this was a BIG deal. One of his friends has been staying with us and my husband told them they could both get out. I don’t know if that’s the right decision but I can’t stop picturing my baby floating in the water. And this is where the obsessive thoughts come in. I know I am supposed to be happy and overjoyed that they are ok and safe at home. And I am. But mostly I am stuck. I can’t stop thinking about how bad it could have been. I can’t stop seeing my baby in a casket. I can’t stop being mad at him. What a stupid stupid choice. And I just can’t seem to let it go. I have a rock sitting in my chest that won’t go away. And there’s no medication in this world that could take this away from me. He’s my baby! 

I can’t stop thinking about what might have happened. I know it’s not good for me but when I can stop thinking about that then I just so mad at him. I have told him over and over that if anything ever happened and I didn’t know what he was doing I would be so mad. Well, he told us what he was doing but definitely didn’t make it seem as big a deal as it was. We went this morning and looked at where they started at and as far as you can see the road is covered in water. And not just a little bit of water. It was at least a couple feet deep and probably much deeper as they moved further into it. Why?? Why would they think that was something they should do? I don’t understand. And I don’t understand why they haven’t said I’m sorry. Or we shouldn’t have gone out there. All they want to do is tell “their” story. But the thing is that doesn’t matter because they never should have set on foot in that water to begin with. And I had just talked to them about how scary flood water is. It can get higher in a matter of seconds at times. I TOLD them how scary it can be and that you never know what can happen. And yet they walked right past the road closed sign into the water and proceeded to walk miles down the road. I can’t let it go. I’m sure I will eventually but I just can’t. I am so mad and I am so disappointed and ashamed. He made a bad choice and he doesnt car or think he did anything wrong. 

I’m stuck. I’m stuck between to scenarios that both make me incredibly angry. I’m stuck because I can’t stop thinking about how he could have been dead. I have always wondered how people live when their children die. And I am hear to say that I got close enough last night. I would not be able to keep living the life I am now if one of my kids was to die.  I can’t let it go. I can’t be joyful. It’s making me even more sad. I just can’t get past the anger and the stupidity of their actions. I can’t get past the fact that I don’t know how many people where out looking for my child because he made a massive mistake. I haven’t heard I’m sorry or we learned our lesson. All they want to do is tell their story. It’s stupid and there is no story. You should have never set foot in the water much less when it is starting to get dark and you know you have a long way to walk. 

I can’t stop them. I can’t let it go. 

I’m sorry this was repetitive. But I just can’t let it go. I’m sure I will one day not too far down the road. But those images will still be there. I know there will be times when it comes flooding back. I won’t be able to get rid of those thoughts. They will hit me out of no where and I will be frozen by them. I don’t know how you are supposed to forget thinking that your child was dead and that you have to bury them. I am so sad. And I am so mad. 

I hate that bipolar makes me latch on to things. It’s like once I get it in my head I can’t get it out. It’s there forever. I don’t know if anyone around me really understands that. I don’t say the things I say just because I want to talk. When I tell you that if something bad happens and you lied or I didn’t know where you were I am going to mad. I don’t WANT to be mad. But that’s what happens. And it takes a few days before I can talk about it without being mad. I hate that I am this way. I want to change it. But how do you change thoughts that come out of no where. Your rolling along and BAM it comes back full force and you feel it all over again. I guess I will stop here so I don’t say the same things again and again anymore. 
Thank you for reading! And as always be blessed today!!


We had my grandsons birthday party at our house today. It ended up just being family. But no less than 3 times did I look around and think I am so blesssed. I even started thinking about the future. When our grandsons have babies(yes it hopefully at least 15 years away for both of them), but I was thinking about it. I was thinking about how much I have always wanted a house full of people that love each other and are real with each other. 

I don’t ever remember a time where I did that. Where I took the time to not be stressed or irritated at something that happened. Just having the thought was new for me. And I liked it, a LOT!! 

My son has his prom tonight. Him and a group of friends went to eat in the big city of Little Rock, and then they are coming back for the dance. Justin called me in his room to put his bow tie on, and he looked so good and grown up!! I may have teared up, but I did NOT cry! Yay me!! We got to take pictures with him and then one of the other moms went with the kids and sent me the pictures they took in Little Rock. 

It hasn’t been a secret that I am having a difficult time with him graduating. So much so that I took a leave of absence from work. It’s subconscious. Even though I am so proud and happy for him. Honestly, I’m not really sure what my deal is. He’s going to college in town. So it’s not like he’s going far away. Honestly I think if he was a would have a complete break down at some point. It’s like this issue is all my brain can handle. So when work is stressful it’s like I have an even shorter fuse. So leave of absence was a good choice for me. 

I used to think that things like that weren’t ok because I am still physically capable of doing my job. But I have slowly been learning that I have to take care of me. If I don’t take care of me I won’t be any good to anyone else. AND when I take care of me I can stop in the middle of the chaos and savor the moments with the people I love. 

We have a new family member too. Actually he has been family for a while. He is Justin’s best friend. He is living with us for a while. So our house is full of schedules, and places to be, and working kids, concerts, over nighters, skating parties. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Tonight after prom justin and chase will come home (eventually) and they are bringing 2 other friends. While I have told him 4 times they have to be quiet. I am fairly confident they will be. They asked about one friend and then I got a text asking if another one could stay. My very first thought was I always wanted to be the house where the kids hang out. I just got my wish. 4 high school boys in my house being high school boys. I’m sure there will be more days like this. My daughter is 12 and I’m sure we have sleepovers coming in her future as well. 

I like knowing my kids friends. I like that Chase calls me his other Mom. I like that I can talk to them and relate to them. I like that I somehow managed to get exactly what I want. I am so thankful that because of my medication I can have those moments. Those moments that no one can take away and that I will carry with me forever. I love that my house is often full and loud. That our kids want to be with us and have special times together. I am blessed and I will not soon forget these precious moments. 

I know this was long and possibly repetitive. For that I’m sorry!

Thank you for reading and I hope that you are blessed beyond measure. And are able to have those moments where you realize you have everything you have ever wanted!!

Do you have friends??

I don’t know if this issue is related to bipolar or just me. But while I have many many aquantainces and people that love me, I don’t have a best friend! And I haven’t in many years. You know that person you talk to almost daily and that you want to call first thing when life happens and you need to vent. 

I have my husband and he’s a really good guy. He tries to listen when I need him to. And he does he best to support me while I’m working it out. But he’s not a girl. He doesn’t have conversations like girls do, and I miss that. 

I have had close friends over the years. I used to think that I had them so I could help them through a hard time, or times. And I have I’ve done it many times. And then it feels like they outgrow me and move on and then they don’t need me anymore. Sometimes I still believe that because it hard. 

But now I think it’s more that I was able to help them with whatever their issues were and once they are back on their feet they just go back to their life. I helped them in a way that allowed them to move forward to better things. How could that not be a good thing?

It is but it’s also lonely. And this is where the Bipolar comes in. Because sometimes I do really good at keeping up and other times I don’t. I realize that’s something that everyone deals with at different times because of kids, or job, or whatever. But for me I just get tired. I get tired of searching for someone that will be my friend and that I can share life with. You know, have over to the house. Show up at their house when I don’t want to be at mine for whatever reason. I haven’t had that in nearly 20 years. Of course, I had young kids for much of that time AND I moved  across the country after I graduated high school. It’s hard to make friends without school to help out. There have been people who are really sweet to me and tried to include me. 

I guess maybe because of the unending brain overdrive I think to much. I feel like I am a burden. I feel like the things other people have to do are more important than me. And that might be true sometimes, but not always. Plus there’s the fact that I have a tendency to over react to situations around me. Even if it’s only something I think happened. 

I am trying to work on it. I’m trying to keep in better touch with the people who put the effort in and show me their love. But I think the truth is as you get older those people diminish anyway. Not because they don’t want to but because life gets in the way. And if you have kids you can pretty much forget having friends. You can’t even finish a whole conversation most of the time when the kids are young. 

But still I see people around me with friends and people who care about them. And I don’t really have that. Sure there are people who care but it’s not like I see them and hang out with them. It’s exhausting trying to find friends when all of your are and have been across the country for 20 years. It’s harder to build a bond once you are out of school and once you have been hurt by people. It’s like your a turtle and you just pull into your shell and ignore the world. And that I think is even more so if you are bipolar. 

Relationships take effort. And especially when you are married and have a family it’s hard to find that effort. I am trying to find it again. But it’s an uphill battle and one that I am not sure I will win. I am awkward in group situations too. I end up talking to much and then I feel like I stole everyone’s time. When I try to be quiet it’s extremely hard for me, and I don’t get to bond that way either. Then there’s all the other things that come along. You finally find a friend and it’s a person who is so needy you can’t handle it and basically have to vault the friendship. Plus, I get bored. I don’t want to hear the same story and the same issues over and over. Let’s mix it up. Talk about something else. Man, I don’t know. 

I thought this was gonna be a good post. I think it has mostly ended up with no answer and no solution. Maybe one day I will figure it out. I sure hope so. But until then I have an awesome family and amazing kids. And I’m ok with that, mostly. And maybe one day I will meet that perfect best friend and we will live the next half of our lives making memories and driving everybody crazy!!

Thanks did reading! Be blessed today!!


I have never really paid much attention to anxiety. I don’t know why. I guess for so many years I just didn’t even think about mental health. But when I didn’t have a choice but to face a major life change it seems that anxiety really takes hold of me and won’t let go. 

In a way I am thankful for the things that have happened. The panic attacks and the never ending rock stuck inside me. I mean I’ve been on my other meds for almost 3 years now. And I have been stable. So this feeling as it built to critical mass wasn’t something I really thought about. 

I went to see the PA at my doctors office. I basically said “I don’t care if I am comatose. I WILL NOT be the center of attention at my son’s graduation because I can’t control what is going on inside me. She asked a bunch of the normal questions. And I answered them. But I am extremely self aware, most of the time. When I finally figured out what was happening was anxiety. I realized something could be done about it. So, she prescribed me a new medication. It is not in the family of klonopin, and clonazapam. I don’t want to take those kinds of medications, unless it is a very last resort. 

So, I am happy to report that I think this medication is going to work. It’s a take as needed thing. I took one the first day and within 15 minutes I could feel that rock inside me starting to shift and leave. I am so so happy about this. I pray it keeps working and doesn’t cause me any problems. I was able to go to work and not let little things bother me that have been bothering me for weeks. To the point where I was carrying it with me all the time. 

I probably should have examined this more closely sooner. But I just honestly figured the meds I already take would cover that. Boy was I wrong. I’m still going to take some time off work. I need it and with graduation 3 weeks away I need to focus on celebrating my baby and the man he is becoming. Maybe after that I may try working a couple days a week or something. I don’t know. I do know I am so grateful for medications that help me be who I am. That allow the real me to come out without all the bad stuff all the time. Believe it or not I get tired of it too. All I want is to put it away because I know I’m the long run it really isn’t that important. 

I’m still exhausted but I am excited about what is to come. And I am so so excited to watch my baby graduate from high school. He’s earned it and I couldn’t possibly be more proud. 

As always, thanks for reading!!

And have a blessed day!!