Daily Archives: July 24, 2018

Is there still Magic

How often do you make time for the magic? A better question, selfishly, is can and do I make room for the magic. My husband bought me a beautiful bike for our anniversary. He often jokes other wives might ask for diamonds, but I wanted a nice sturdy bicycle to take me around. Probably to take me outside of the landmine that is my mind. Its sleek. Dark gray and fast. Fast like me. Fast like my thoughts. Fast like my moods sometimes. I even track my speed and distance on an Excel file. Physically I am always trying to do better. Can I beat my last time? And then, what does it really matter.

I have taken a new job. Not my first choice, but one I obviously applied for. In this electronic and digital age, job postings appear on my phone while I sleep. Dutifully I went to the coffee shop to apply for various positions. I am approaching 45 and trying to make a career change. I am a social worker at heart and on paper. However, I am ready to sow some new career Oats. The job market seems to disagree with me. Application after application. Trying so hard to create, with sincerity, the best damn cover letter imaginable. You need this…check. Yep…super personable. Diligent..double check. I am your Go Too Gal.

I fancy myself a professional. I passed a county test and got invited to an Interview. Must of surpassed at least 20 folks to get this far. The Court system has been a silent interest of mine. I have some experience within the walls of a court room as an advocate for my clients. It feels like a nice fit more me. New…but also pulling in my social works skills. I put on a shiny dress. Answered key questions and waited.I didn’t get the job. I didn’t even get 2nd round interviews. I was devastated. Naively. Possibly. Probably.

This new job. I hope to be the best. I hope I can bring new life. New Skills. New energy. As I await the start date…

I was riding my beautiful bike along the river. For the first time, in a long time, I wasn’t trying to beat a clock. I wasn’t trying to Outdo myself. I wasn’t battling the everpresent voices in my mind. The ones that hang and lure like a lantern. Innocent, but deadly. I made my way up and down the river bank in peace. Breath seamless. Stride powerful. Sunshine guiding me.

As the bike path ended and gave way to city streets, feeling grateful and at peace, I saw the woman I am to replace. She had on a beautiful sunhat, seemingly also at peace, as she entered the Farmers Market. She seemed to disappear into the landscape. As she crossed, I felt a sense that it was right. I am in the right place.

It was magic.

Things Can Be Better

Bob and I met some friends for dinner last night and had the best time talking and eating.  WE really enjoyed seeing them and just talking about what was going on in our lives.  SO that was a good ending to my empty day yesterday.

I’m up earlier than usual this morning trying to get some things done before I go to the grocery store.  I am SO sleepy though.  THe temptation is always to go back to bed.

I’ve about finished my silly little story about the incompetent assassin.  He’s a good shot but not good at the espionage part of things.  I hope people can see that it’s supposed to be funny so I’m wondering what to title it so as to telegraph that right off the bat.  I’m just not great with titles.  But I wrote something.  I’m just hanging on to that victory right now.

My youngest comes back this afternoon so we will see how that goes.  She has had a goo time I think–gone to church for Camp Meeting every night and I think she enjoyed that.

Well, if I’m  going to get anything done I need to get moving.  Thanks so much for teading and following along as I keep on living this bipolar life.

Ass Clowns Shall Inherit The Earth

I survived court. Barely. They had the AC cranked at the courthouse. I got there 25 minutes early (timing shit since we live in Armpit has become iffy, don’t want be late, so I run too early, bloody hell.) and while everyone else looked comfortable…I was literally pouring with sweat from my scalp, face, neck. Oh, and the added bonus, in spite of bathing, body oil, body lotion, perfume, deodorant, anti perspirant and Gain Febreeze sprayed clothes…I was so stressed and anxious, my body began emitting the usual unpleasant stale odor. FFS. I even broke out the pricey Cool Water perfume (was a gift) in hopes it would battle the stress smell and…FAIL.

Donor wasn’t even there but they couldn’t discern if he’d even received notice due to all his address changes so…another hearing on September 14th. And for the life of me, I( don’t know why. The lawyer laid it all out. Abandonment, no contact for six and half years, the state ordered him to pay support and even knowing that when he got a new job…he didn’t notify the state of his address change or new job. There is a no debt, no property, and he sees my dad and stepmom and sister pretty much weekly as they go to buy gas and such where he’s a ‘manager’…and he doesn’t even ask about Spook’s well being, he just has the nerve to tell my dad he got a promotion but it’s still so hard to make ends meet. Boo fucking hoo.

So the lawyer said he’d go to the donor’s job to get a new address and serve him with papers and of course, if the judge doesn’t order the donor to cover fees…I’ll have to. And I still can’t pay my security deposit and now I have the old bill in my sister’s name to handle (never ever try to discontinue serving on line using a smartphone browser if you’re smart phone illiterate like me, I screwed the pooch there.) And I swear the lawyer is dragging things out, chasing donor down, all in hopes of charging more legal fees which he ain’t getting from me unless he’ll accept a dollar a month. My uncle guaranteed on my behalf but my god, do I need more family debt and drama? The nightmare just gets worse and worse.

And ass clowns like the donor keep getting the benefit of the doubt and judges saying, “Nothing’s been done in this case for 2 years, the parties really need to reach an agreement.” WE AGREE WE HATE EACH OTHER. He abandoned us, he has shirked responsibility at every turn,and cares more about himself whining about not making enough money more than asking my dad “Hey, how’s my daughter doing?” What kind of judge needs more than that to just issue a ruling and move on? I swear the donor is coated in Teflon, nothing ever sticks to him, he skates on supporting 3 kids or even being in their lives, he moves woman to woman, job to job, and…he still gets the benefit of the doubt while I get…screwed without dinner or a kiss. Ass clown motherfuckers.

I encountered more of them trying to get out of town and come home cos Dad and his crew were watching my kid but they had plans today so I had to rush back to fetch her so not to fuck up their lives the way they fuck up mine. I am fairly certain 80% of drivers are braindead ass clowns. And if they’d PUT DOWN THEIR FUCKING PHONES they might descend to just being rude ass clowns.

I survived, though. I had a little picture and plastic toy my kid gave me ‘for comfort’ in my hands the while time I was in the courthouse. She is my superpower. Being her mom is strength. I believe it was quoted in Jessica Jones by her mutant mom that , “I always thought I was meant to do great things, to change the world. But I realize, maybe my great thing was that I had you and you’re going to change the world.” (Loosely quoted, you get the gist.) I’m not beating on a bongo drum declaring my uterus has magical powers, but I DID bring a wondermous child into the world and she can do anything she puts her mind to…So maybe having her is my great thing, my gift to the world.

Or she could be bipolar and high strung like me or well, a sociopath like her donor. I can only guide her in the right direction and hope I get it right. Surely, we’re all entitled to get one thing right in our lives.

The fact she was so concerned about my anxiety over court that she gave me one of her Hatchimals ‘for comfort’ tells me she already has more empathy in her pinky fingernail than a large portion of society.

Donate if you can, share if you will.