My life has been a roller coaster since I was 13. There have been times when medications have worked and I have been stable, but these don’t last very long. Now, the problem is I think I might be medication resistant.
I mainly suffer from depression and can’t do much about it because anti-depressants can trigger mania. I seem to be cycling more into mania now in the past few years more than ever. Some people like mania, but I don’t. Yes- the hypo-mania is good because I have the energy to do things that I have not been able to motivate myself into doing when I am depressed. However, then the mania comes and has ended relationships, cost me a lot of money, and I have done things I regret. One thing I do is over commit myself and then disappoint people when I get depressed and can’t even get out of bed.
Currently, I am hypo-manic and fear I will be manic. I have a new doctor and a new medication regimen so I am hoping that I won’t get manic. However, my fear, is that I will plummet into depression. Yet again, however, I am on a “medication” that helps with depression and I am praying that this will help. This med is not covered by insurance and is called Deplin which you need a prescription for and is basically folic acid.
So, will I stay in the light this time? I am excited as I have actually applied for a few jobs. (I have been on disability for 11 years. I have worked for my dad and mainly focus on my mental health advocacy pages.) I also have finally found a church that I plan to join. I also have a trip planned to go see relatives.
Now, if I can just stay “happy”. I have started associating hypomania with happiness. Unfortunately, it is almost sad that since I don’t want to be manic, I don’t want to be happy. I would much rather be depressed than manic.
My last depression I was in that I came out of about a week ago, was the worst in a long time. I was suicidal and so hopeless. I just sat and watched television and did not even get online to work on mental health advocacy stuff or check in on FB or Twitter. I literally watched tv and ate. Now, of course, I have gained 15 pounds and that causes depression in itself.
So, I am going to refus to be bleak and end this blog with “I am going to stay in the light” this time. I have been going for walks, pretty sure I will be getting a job, am eating better, and have promised myself I will get on the computer for at least an hour even if I do get depressed.
It is so hard to get out of depression when you don’t do anything about it. I have written blogs about what to do if you are depressed, but yet I don’t follow my own advice. I get the feeling where I don’t deserve to be happy and dig myself deeper into the depths of depression.
So, if you know me on FB, keep me accountable. I refuse to get depressed again. I have plans for my life and dreams that you can’t imagine. I just need to stay stable.
Michelle Lande Clark (My Facebook name)