Riding in the car with my kid means…ugh, music compromise. So we found a semi-local station that plays both 80’s and current songs. Sadly, I was recently infected with “Uptown Funk” which totally blows my rep as ‘heavy metal chick.’ I’m not much on labels but, ewww, popular music? I stand by my choice, though. It’s a dance-y catchy song. (As is “One I Want To Want Me’ by um, Jason, something, awesome backbeat). If music ‘speaks’ to me, I’m down with it. Fortunately, I am immune to and repulsed by the likes of Katy Perry (sans “Hot N Cold, I blame the Chippette’s version as the Squeakwel was Spook’s fave movie for 3 years) and Miley Virus. Er, Cyrus. I encourage my daughter to have her own tastes without regard to whether I like it or not. It was a gift my mother gave me and I thought if I should pass anything on, it should be freedom of choice over what you like and don’t like. I mean, I recently discovered a country song I really liked, “Thinking Of You”, by Christian Kane. And doubtful I’d have ever liked it if I hadn’t first heard it on the show “Leverage”. I can be a bit of a music snob, I own it.
BUT where I earned my ‘not mom of the year’ stripes is when we were in the store and my kid was singing LOUDLY from ‘Uptown Funk’. I guess small kids saying “Hot damn!” is frowned upon is some establishments? I have told her to watch it at school, church, and around some adults, but hey, my mom never censored my music, so I’m not gonna censor my kid’s. (And honestly, my father taught me ‘cocksucker motherfucker!’ when I was 8 because the car wouldn’t start and he cracked the dashboard by slamming his fist into it, no turning back from that!).
Upside to the frowns at a kid saying swear words is how many people commented on her uber energy and how happy she is. OMG, I AM DOING SOMETHING RIGHT!!! Though I am a little concerned than someone mistook her for being 12. My kid won’t turn 9 until August, she’s just very tall cos her parents are both tall! By the time she actually is 12, she’s probably gonna look 21 and I am in for more hell. But…she IS a very happy child when not eschewing “I’m bored!” and voicing complaints about everyone not obeying her. So much for the ‘single parent households breed depressed children”. My kid’s only depressed when told ‘no, you can’t run with scissors and I can’t buy you a pet T-Rex.” Furthermore, we independently chose the same style of flip flops, without consultation, so so much for the donor’s prior assertions that not breastfeeding meant not properly bonding with my child. She IS a mama’s girl, through and through, no matter our issues. Besides, I think by month 9 of me not fully medicated, he started to get that breastfeeding simply wasn’t a viable option if I were to stay functional enough to be a mother. I NEEDED my meds, even to my own chagrin.
I figured today was gonna suck cos I had a rough, rough night sleeping. I nodded off before midnight but I was awake at 12:30, then 1:15, then up at 2:30 am. and I didn’t fall back to sleep til almost 6 a.m. even with more melatonin and it was fricking frustrating. I am not able to nap cos I have an active child, but also because I have to be burned to the ground to nap during daylight hours. We don’t have cable and I can’t run a laptop all night so without my desktop tower, I can’t run the shows that put me to sleep, so I am stuck with the 5 or 6 channels our digital antenna pulls in. I thought ‘PBS’ would bore me to sleep but scumbag brain wasn’t having it. And honestly, maybe the cooking show bores me, but I should have known a special on the history of Scotland Yard would keep me awake, I lurve crime shows. Sad thing is, I remember being awake at the same time last week on the same channel watching how they built a protective arch over the Chernobyl plant. My interests are specific but can also be diverse. Not much choice at 2:30 a.m. in Armpit with no desktop computer.
I felt so ‘coherent’ this morning, I even called my dad by choice, to inquire if they’d managed to fix their water heater issues. (They had to get a $1500 loan and do the work themselves cos the ‘pro’ wanted twice that and his work ‘had’ to meet ‘code’).Anyway, driving into town after finally getting dressed and motivated, we were rocking both “Want to want me” and “Uptown Funk” and I was almost…manic. I mean, I was feeling really good, dancing in the seat, singing along. I felt GOOD. And it was due, too.
30 minutes in town and I realized…Armpit and technology are destroying me. First we went to a store and my card was declined 3 times, even though I’d just used it to put gas in the car so there was money on it. Had to hit an ATM and go back for our stuff. The cashier finally admitted their machine was pretty much declining everything but cash and credit but still…embarrassing to be turned away cos of their computer issues. (We are all so doomed when the computers crash and burn, and my paranoid ass does mean WHEN, not IF.) We ran some more errands and the car’s temp gauge climbed to the middle mark, which made me start panicking. And I hit every fucking yellow light and stop light possible to man, which made the temp climb more. At one point, I stopped, popped the hood, but the fluid is completely full, and the temp out was only 75, so I can only assume I have one more gauge that doesn’t fucking work. Not good for panic disorder. I screamed ‘motherfucker’ no fewer than four times while in traffic. Pretty sure my kid thinks I am evil, but…life goes on. Living so isolated has ruined me for driving in even mild traffic cos, hey, people are fucking dumbasses. (I am no genius, but I don’t take calls and texts while driving, ffs.) I have noted that when in a panic, I do swear a lot, but the alternative is to play Bumper Cars and my insurance rates would jack up and I might go to jail so…cussing it is.
We got home, I begged for mercy from 4 hours of her incessant chatter and…I am in the calm ,safer zone now. I say safer, cos I don’t know if my brother or father are gonna pop in, try to fetch her, come in my house and insult my dust bunnies or mention what a loser I am for being on disability…Every day is a lottery of suckage and I try to be stronger than their ignorant opinions but…family’s tough, you don’t want to fail them or make them ashamed of you and yet, you always have to be true to who you are, even if who you are falls short of their expectations and standards..
GRRR. I wish I had better people skills. I wish I weren’t so high strung. I wish my default wasn’t ‘mood crash to the gutter; when the weather changes and my stress level soars.
But wishing isn’t reality. This is who I am, the hand I have been dealt, and I am doing battle best I can to be the best version of myself. And honestly, who I am is always gonna fail rednecks and elitists because I relate to neither group. I kind of am my own group of one- I socialize when it suits me, I retreat when I deem it necessary. I make do the best I can with what I have and while I may feel guilt for not ‘being what they want me to be’…
Sorry not sorry. Being who I am is the best I can do for me, and that’s what matters most to me. Right or wrong…being true to myself is what I value most.
Even if I am a trainwreck that makes others cringe.
Trainwreck is the new hot mess, get used to it.