Daily Archives: June 20, 2018

Setting the Poop on Fire

I realized this morning that I’d started to give up.

This long season of depression has granted me an occasional hour or two of relief before rolling back in.  I distract my conscious thoughts with Netflix and sewing, but have lost interest in exploring my surroundings or reaching out to others.  I know I’m in trouble, so this morning I sat down to journal and let all the ugly thoughts out of their cages.

I was about to see my new therapist for the second time, which just made me miss my previous therapist more.  I knew if I didn’t start processing all the “forbidden” thoughts in my head, I’d never stop crying in her little closet of an office.  So, I scribbled away, which is the only way I know to capture the distorted thinking and actually see it.

I lasted ten minutes with the therapist.  Long story short, I felt disrespected and dismissed.  I will not be going back.

Part of me is very aware that my depression could be warping my perception.  Another part of me is mad as hell, and that’s the part that rises up every time my boundaries get trampled.  It’s the spark that lights up my personal Bat Signal.  Or BadAss Signal.

I have work to do.

I texted my sister and will be meeting her and her grandsons for lunch tomorrow.  We also had a very supportive exchange about feeling out of place and longing for things that we’ve likely romanticized.

I called the other therapist in my shrink’s office and just now made an appointment with her for Monday.  I know this woman is at least kind, because my sister sees her and talks about her.  Kind is a good place to start.  Kind is enough.

If my 17-year-old cat can still unload a huge poop, then gallop through the house reestablishing his supreme authority, so can I.

Consider this my psychological dump.

The BadAss is Back.

A Penny For My Thoughts

Here’s some of the crazy shit that goes on in my head on a night like last night, when I went to bed at 3:30 AM and didn’t fall asleep till after 5:

“Why do they show these revival meetings on TV at this hour of the day? Some pretty fine preaching going on there. Did I lock the front door? <insert lyrics to country song here>. I wonder what I’m going to eat tomorrow night when they’re having curry chicken again. I hate curry. I don’t know what I’m going to write in my blog next…I need to make a post soon because I’m only averaging 10 page views a day. It’s really warm in here. Is that a spider on the ceiling??

“I hate it that children are being taken from their parents at the border. (I’m politically conservative but I’m outraged at what my countrymen are doing right now.) I’m hungry but it’s too late to eat. Or maybe it’s too early. I don’t know which. <insert lyrics to another country song here>. Brain, why don’t you shut the f##k up so I can go to sleep? I’d better try harder because Dr. Goodenough is going to increase my Zyprexa if I don’t start sleeping better. I wonder how I’m going to get through this next month money-wise. I only made it with $17 to spare this time. Oh good, Law and Order is on all day tomorrow.

“I want one of those crescent rolls left over from dinner. Which reminds me, I need to buy groceries. That black thing on the ceiling just moved!! Where’s the Raid when I need it? Uh-oh, I forgot to mail that check to the Department of Revenue yesterday. Why am I so uncomfortable in this bed tonight? <insert lyrics to classic rock song here>. Oh yeah, I don’t sleep in a bed, I sleep in a recliner. Haven’t slept in a bed in years. I’ve got to get up at seven to get my hair done. Where did I put my phone? Oh look, it’s the infomercial with Jane Seymour again. They run this thing almost every night. It’s not normal for a 66-year-old to look like she does.

“Gosh, it’s 4:30 and already getting light out. I love these loooooong days. I sure hope I can get at least a couple hours’ sleep. I need to start taking vitamins. It’s only 72 days till our cruise. <insert “99 Bottles of Beer On the Wall” here>. I wonder who’s doing the homily at Mass this week, I like it when Father Edwin does it. He really gets into it. Where IS my phone, anyway?? I must’ve left it out in the living room again. Oh well.

“OK, I’m only going to go to sleep if I shut my eyes. I wish I didn’t have to have the TV on at night but I need it for company. I listened to my wedding song today and I didn’t cry, yay me! OMG, where did that black thing go!?”

So goes my fevered brain at the ungodly hours between the time I finally go to bed and the time I get up. Funny thing is, I’m not tired in the morning when I don’t sleep well at night. It’s worse when I sleep eight or nine hours; in fact, I drag myself through the day and usually need a nap in the afternoon. The dishes don’t get done and I feel guilty because it’s about the only thing I do around here besides keep my room picked up and (very) rarely clean the bathroom. I don’t cook often because we’re supposed to be eating sort of healthy and I don’t know how to cook healthy—I fry or roast everything in oil or butter. Mmm, speaking of food, I love fried stuff. If I could give that up, I’d probably start losing weight again. Ethan and Clark do a nice job of fixing good food. But every time we go out to eat, I end up eating fried fish & chips or a burger.

Well, this isn’t the entry I’d intended to post, but lunch is calling me. I went to bed hungry and didn’t eat breakfast, which is normal for me. I don’t see the point of eating at night. A peanut butter sandwich sounds good about now…I need protein and relatively low-carb.

And so it goes.

In Need Of A Good Rant

I managed to rally after my mini meltdown and feeling like a cornered animal Sunday. Rather than allow myself to be undermined by family and the church on matters concerning my child, I nutted up and flat out told stepmonster that she was NOT to take that gift to the donor. I even ignored her heavy handed pushing that “I’ll take her to meet him and be the go between.” NO. Spook is MY family and we will deal with it as a family. I sat Spook down and we discussed it and as I predicted, she changed her mind and told me she doesn’t want to see her dad right now and that the church guilt tripped her when she said she doesn’t see her dad and wanted to opt out of the activity. A church bullying an 8 year old, really fucking classy. But to be fair, I told Spook we can leave the option open and if she does decide she wants to see her so called father, then we will try to make that happen (assuming he’d be amenable and after 7 years of no contact, his interest in his child, or lack thereof, is pretty apparent. He hates me more than he loves her, I swear, what other reason is there not to see your kid except to avoid the ex?)

I was proud of myself for acting like a grown up and making it about Spook’s feelings as opposed to my own. But really, my lack of enthusiasm toward her seeing him is less about me and more about how his patterns of behavior and loss of interest in all 3 of his kids would be potentially damaging to my child. I am her protector and while I have to consider her wishes, I am never not gonna want to spare her pain, even the potential of it. Hey, if anyone is gonna piss her off, it’s gonna be me. I earned that privilege.

Father’s Day was further weirded out and tainted by a very bizarre conversation with my father on the phone. I called to wish him happy blah blah day…and somehow he got on the topic of prostitution and started going on about “All men pay for pussy, one way or another.” I told him he was a pig so he put stepmonster on the line and she started repeating the same thing, boasting that he’s paying for her with all their vehicles and joint checking account. I was like, so you’re basically saying all women are legal prosititutes… Classy. And there was no need for this detour in conversation, it was just bizarre. Maybe dad can claim old age, but she’s younger than me so she’s obviously just…disturbed.

Their spawn, my 23-but-mentally-ten half brother is getting on my nerves, always showing up unannounced to cuddle and hang out with my kid. Yeah, it’s his niece and they adore each other but I still think a 23 year old man hanging with a 7 year old is weird. And I don’t like my safe space constantly invaded, against my wishes. I have tried telling him, and them, that the constant unannounced visits are not wanted (bad bad for anxiety issues) but to no avail. But I know dad and stepmonster and if I go at it too strenuously, it will create some drama where they tell me to kiss their ass-they literally say this to people all the time, and not bantering-and of course, then the barter lawn mowing for meals will go away and yeah, it’s a thing for me, cos I am terrified of power mowers. I will tackle that fear another time, this isn’t the time.

Furthering the stress is stepmonster obnoxiously saying she’s ‘adopted’ my kid and Spook is there more than she’s home with me. Which is bullshit, yeah, she goes there, but rarely for more than a couple of hours and almost ALWAYS because my brother just shows up and says, “I’m kidnapping her.” The other day she was having fun playing in the pool when he showed up and chose not to go with him…and he kept texting me, asking, “You want me to take her off your hands?” NO. She’s my kid, she belongs at home. I do need breaks but if it’s going to lead to stepmonster having some delusion that Spook is her kid and doesn’t love me because she’s going to their house (they have dogs she likes to play with)…I may have to go scorched earth and risk the drama to put her in her damned place. Just because they’ve helped us out with furniture and such doesn’t give them the right to trample me with my child.

Further drama from the maternal faction. Mom is being very salty about dad and them seeing Spook so often when they don’t get to see her much now due to the distance. Well, I sure as hell don’t encourage her to spend massive time with them. Personally, other than calls or them darkening my doorstep against my will, I have little to do with them-or anyone else. My anxiety balance is tenuous and social situations trigger panic so of course, I am isolating. The Cymbalta definitely got me out of the rabbit hole of depression but it is by no means making me become some social butterfly.

I am just so sick of all the drama. And I knew it was going to be this way. Always in the middle since our parents split up. I’m the only one of 3 kids who doesn’t live with one parent or the other, and I like it that way even if it makes me a black sheep. I have to do what feels right for me and living on my own has always been better for my mental health. I like the independence. If I want to run my computers and TV 24-7, I pay the bill, so I don’t have to endure lectures about wasting power. (Yet turn around and give my kid the lecture, oh,what a vicious cycle.)

My brother has been here every day for a week and even Spook said she’d like a break from him. I reluctantly agreed to a movie night tonight with him, he’s totally lusting after our smart TV that streams Vudu movies. (Best $100 I ever spent, I think sometimes, that TV is too cool. I barely use it but it keeps the spawn occupied.)

Hopefully I will get a break from him and them as Spook is having a sleepover at my mom’s this weekend. I need some peace sans people yapping at me. I need to do housework, do some organizing…and ya know, by then, I will be so exhausted physically and mentally I probably won’t accomplish much of anything. But the drama and tension are giving me stress stomach aches so maybe doing very little but recovering is a good thing. IDK, we’ll see.

Today I am in a very low place. Earlier after the barrage of political news (it’s like a car crash, you don’t wanna look but you can’t help yourself) I just started having these dark dark thoughts that suicide is about the only way out of…well, the current state of things in the U.S. There’s so much evil and corruption and plain wrong things happening and I sign petitions but I’m in no position to help financially and I am too isolated geographically to become an activist. So it just festers and claws away at my sanity and will to live because face it, we’re fucked if things continue as they are now. I don’t think there’s a medication on earth to combat all the nastiness going on. It makes me sad, angry, outraged and it makes me feel helpless, something I am not okay with. The mentally health thing to do would be avoid news like the plague and yet that is part of the problem. Everyone is so disillusioned they’re becoming numb, looking away, and it just…Maybe I can’t really change anything but I can at least know I stood up for my beliefs against the evildoers.

Whooo…I needed to vent. Now the mental poison has been purged and I am gonna try to pep talk myself into enjoying movie night for the sake of my kid. But I don’t think it will go well. My brother wants to watch a comedy (he said Adam Sandler and that is a hell to the no for me) and I’m not feeling comical unless it’s a parody movie. I will bite my tongue best I can and endure it and I can always flee the room and take sanctuary in my bedroom crypt. At least the hormones are leveling out and some of that misery is gone. I was a powderkeg there for awhile, surprised I didn’t burn some bridges by going on a tirade.

On a plus side…the mood swings seem to be evening out. I spend most of my time not high nor low, just…well, here. I don’t see much hope on the horizon but then, I’m not plotting my own demise, either. Except for today’s little crash and honestly, if you have a heart and a conscience and read the news of what’s going on out there and it doesn’t make you feel sad…That’s plain disturbing even to someone as disturbed as me.

Another Wednesday

I go see a dermatologist today about how my psoriasis is spreading on my neck and see if he has any medications for it. I have to go early so that is why I am still awake even though Bob has left.  I am so sleepy.

Terrie called late last night–she has been told by one of the chefs in charge that she definitely would be hired on full time after her internship was up.  So tha was exciting for her and a nice compliment for no longer than she’s been in the kitchen with them.

I am yawning  so much.  I coughed again some last night and didn’t sleep well.  So that was the way last night went.   Long, long day ahead.

Maybe I can get a nap this afternoon.  Hope everyone is having a good week and looking forward to the weekend!