When you live the majority of your life with an illness you didn’t know you had it’s hard to find a place to put all the “bad” things.
Just when you think you are maybe starting to get a handle on things and have more control over your emotions some life event happens and it feels like going backwards.
Not to mention that when you have been medicated for a long time parts of you start to change, or maybe I should say adjust. But other people can’t see that. If you don’t see me daily for an extended period of time then you wouldn’t know there is a thing wrong with me.
I have actually had people tell me it’s not true. And my response is always “you aren’t around me enough”.
When you tell someone you have a mental illness they either say “I have that too”(which isn’t true most of the time, to date I’ve only had one person say it and I believe it). Or they just keep doing whatever they are doing. They don’t k ow what to say. And I can only imagine what they think about exactly what that means.
But I’m tired. I’m tired of having exactly 2 people that are there for me no matter what. I know that I have hurt them and if I could change one thing it would be to treat them better. I’m tired of knowing things other people don’t know, I’m tired of looking at things differently than 90%+ of people. I wish that I didn’t see all the things that I see.
I used to think everyone can do what I can do and some just choose not to. But the truth is very few people can do what I do. My daughter always says “you think like me I need to ask someone else”lol And it’s true! But it’s nice to have at least one resin that knows and understands what I am feeling.
We had a discussion about my illness and different things about how it works and what I’m aware of. And the truth is I’m aware of just about everything. I miss very very little of what goes on around me. I asked a girl at work the other day if she was talking to a man. And she grinned but clammed up. I just told her I know everything. Seriously, it’s really hard to have that sometimes. I’m not only aware of what is going on around me but I’m also highly aware of what is going on inside me. So I get to have other people’s thoughts and issues as well as my own. Can you imagine how tiring that is??
I am tired of feeling like an outcast in life. And I’ve pretty much felt that way my whole life. I will never have a ton of friends because I am to blunt and honest for most people. And they seem to think that when I say things I am telling them what to do. But I work very hard not to do that and some of the people I know need to take a long look at themselves.
Last in this mess of a post. When we ignore things going on in our kids lives in order to “protect them” or “raise them right”, we are creating an atmosphere where they never learn to deal with certain situations. I understand you don’t want your child to date until they are 16. But telling them they can’t even have a “boyfriend” (by boyfriend I mean in name only, they only see each other at school). creates an environment where many kids just hide it. When our kids don’t feel safe talking to us they go to someone else. Usually friends and they usually have bad information on pretty much everything. It may not seem like I big deal to ask questions and make your kids answer. I have one that is NOT a talker but I talk to him and ask him questions about the things that are important to him. In the hopes that if he ever needs anything he knows he can come to me. If your kid isn’t talking to you I promise it’s not because they have nothing to say. I have heard parents say “they stay in their rooms, how can I talk to them” or “they don’t say anything”. That might be true. But YOU are the parent isn’t your job to Seek them out and ask questions until you find something they are excited about. It’s not hard but it does require being diligent and conscious of what you are saying and doing. It’s your job to teach the and when you don’t talk to them because you don’t know what to say or you find it hard to talk about say sex. Well it’s not exactly comfortable for them either. But I can tell you this my 13 year old daughter would easily come to me if she needed something. We have talked her whole life and now I know that if she really needs someone she will come to me. I have another daughter that while it took a while she is at least comfortable enough to ask questions if she has them.
It’s hard to feel like you are alone. Even when your doing well and surrounded by people. I am tired of being treated like I’m a failure and have no idea what I am talking about. Not only am I right a lot but I genuinely care about the people in my life.
Sorry this wasn’t too great!!