Daily Archives: May 21, 2018
There is nothing quite like intentions. In many ways, intentions are the most important thing. When we do something wrong our intentions determine if we were mean or mistaken, evil or foolish, dismissive or forgetful. Our intentions give meaning to our actions and thoughts. Our intentions define the depth of our interest or concern. Intensions […]
I used to think everything and I mean everything was black and white, right or wrong. Then I married someone from a completely opposite raising and background. We have always agreed on most things. I like to say we agree if you were to put it on a line. But many times we have very different ways of getting there. These things are still true today. But one thing I have learned since being medicated is that there are so many things in this world that don’t have a black and white answer. Or that aren’t in fact black and white. In fact there’s a lot of things that aren’t black and white at all. It’s so hard to try to find the right answer or what you should do. I view the “what would Jesus do” statement vastly different than when it started. Because let’s be real some people think Jesus would do one thing when in fact He May have actually done the opposite. The world is broken so there isn’t always a specific answer to any question. I do know that Jesus’ life was based on love and forgiveness. And sometimes that’s hard all by itself because it’s hard to allow someone to hurt you over and over again without any consequence. And the fact is we are human, all the way human! I’m not totally convinced we are built to be repeatedly hurt and harmed by the same person. There was a time when I spent a lot of time trying to do that but the truth is eventually I fell so low that I had a hard time functioning day to day. I don’t ever want to give up on anyone and there are many people I pray for that I definitely do not “feel” like praying for. But I believe God hears my prayer and He is working on something big. But we have to accept him and if you don’t live a life where you behave, even sometimes, like someone who knows Jesus then we do risk losing what we have. Or that’s what I believe. So I will pray for those who persecute me and allow God to do the work. I will protect myself and my husband and family, period, first and always.
Aren’t we supposed to look at people through a lens of salvation?? But salvation isn’t ours to give, so how are we supposed to relate to those people around us that only seek to harm us?? I don’t think that’s an easy question. And I also think it’s one that changes throughout our lifetime. And while if you had asked me 20 years ago if I believed people are evil I would have said no. But circumstances have shown me that that isn’t true. When you are required to be in someone’s life that is constantly out to make you look bad or lie about you. When that person lies about their kids, and husband and family. When you think that person has gone as low as they can go and yet they still find a way to go lower. It’s hard to figure out what God wants from you in the situation.
I don’t know if it’s just me or my illness or not. But I have so much anxiety when I am around people who have had a negative opinion of me in the past. I don’t want to say or do something wrong. And lets me real if you know me you know I will pretty much talk about anything. So now I’ve had to change who I am in order for someone else to be comfortable. And I’m not talking about the way you talk or even what you say. I’m talking about being so uncomfortable that you chose to stay quiet and not participate. And for an extreme extrovert like me that’s like torture. Even an hour feels like an eternity when you are trying not to say the wrong thing.
I will continue to do what I do because it’s who I am. And I like who I am. But I won’t allow people to constantly be hurtful and harmful to my family. Especially my kids. It doesn’t matter that all of them are almost grown. Do NOT mess with my kids because it won’t be pretty. And I mean every time. One of the hardest things I have to do is keep my mouth shut when my grown kids ask me to. Everything in me SCREAMS for me to do or say something to the person/people that have hurt my kids. I think I do pretty good. But I wouldn’t be surprised to find I don’t do as good a job as I think I do. But mark my words, as soon as they tell me I can do whatever I want I will do just that. I have good kids that work very hard and I will defend them till the cows come home!
It’s not something that is easy and it’s not something I think I have all the answers to. I do think it’s hard. And I do think we are not Jesus. So we should probably cut ourselves some slack when dealing with these different complicated relationships!!
Here I am again. Here I am again. Writing on the stupid blog because my fucking brain doesn’t want to cooperate anymore. This is stupid. And everywhere I freaking look there wants to be someone who has killed themselves over mental illness. That has stabbed their children. I don’t know what is going on. I don’t know if the universe is telling me to go stab my child and husband. Or I kill myself. I know it’s not saying that. But what the fuck. I am going crazy and I don’t know how to stop this roller coaster.
PS. I’m not gonna kill my husband child but God dammit.
I went back to sleep this morning. I need desperately to figure something else out to do during that early morning time so I am not tempted to sleep. I guess I could start walking again; I need to train to be ready to walk at Disney. But I have such a hard time with that or anything else.
We go today to pick up my oldest one’s graduation present. I guess we’ll give it and her other presents tonight. I’m looking forward to that.
So much for my novella keeping me busy–I’ve already finished the revisions they asked me to make and don’t see any other changes to make. I just don’t know what to write on next.
So I soon need to run. Hope everyone has a good start to the week.