So, this isn’t (unfortunately for Trekkies) some sort of Borg/Collective post about hive mentality. Rather, it is about the fact that due to both physical and mental factors year round, I find myself breaking out in itchy red spots. The physical thing is a condition my daughter and I both have where the PH in our own perspiration makes us break out in itchy white and red spots so warm weather is pretty miserable for us.
The mental is when panic or anxiety have set in and I just randomly start itching, arms, neck, leg. My mom has this and her mom had it, as well, and it’s some sort of stress induced non-contact dermititis thing. But then the itching turns it into contact and round and round we go cos itching makes the hives worse. I am experiencing this today, the fall out from yesterday’s socialization with the family for Mother’s Day.
Seven straight days of people in my close proximity for hour after hour- it takes a toll. I think I am allergic to others when overdosed. It’s my issue, I don’t hold them responsible, but it’s also something I have to deal with the aftermath of. Today is the aftermath and I am aching, crampy, sleepy, uncomfortable, and itchy. I don’t want the cats on me. I am happy my kid is at school because much as I love her, she is a noisemaker and I didn’t get a break from her at all over the weekend so the quiet is nice. I locked the doors and keep eyeballing the phone, as if able to mentally will it NOT to ring, willing people NOT to knock. Because I need a break from people.
Sounds awful and misanthropic and even worse coming from a mom, but…It’s not hatred or nastiness or even selfishness. My circuits overload with anxiety from too much stimuli and I have to isolate in order to recover. Been that way my whole life, though I must admit, it’s gotten so much worse since I had my daughter. And again, that is not to blame her, I just think the entire spawning process altered my hormones and chemicals in a way that worsened my preexisting mental conditions.
I’m a step from mood splat. Dad and them dumped more auction stuff on me so the progress I had made with unpacking is clusterfucked again, and I have 5 clean loads of laundry waiting to be folded and put away. The sink is full of dishes again, I haven’t vacuumed cos even the ‘new’ vac they got me just spits the stuff back out and I won’t even discuss the biohazard that is the kitchen floor. (I hate mopping, it’s so pointless, give me a generic Roomba mopper thingie.) It’s overwhelming me and while I know I have to take today to recover from circuit overload…the bully in my head is telling me to get over myself, get off my ass, and just get the stuff done. Stop being a baby, don’t be such a wuss, grow the hell up. Over and over my inner bully screams at me. And much like the bullies at school who tried to change me with their neverending onslaught of slurs and acts of physical aggression…
I remain unchanged, just defiant, rebellious, and inert until my mind and body decide change is needed or we are ready to ‘snap out of it’. Bullying may work for some but it’s counterproductive for me. Wish my inner bully would get the message.
And this brings me to segue into an attempt at a short explanation of why I am not on social media with my fundraiser. I know once upon a time I did a post explaining the whole sordid mess but I can’t be arsed to try and find it. Let’s just say that long before Fuckfacebook became everyone’s new deity, I was very very active on myspace and I had way too much fun. I lived on line. And I started promoting bands left and right and I made friends I couldn’t even keep track of, met a few of them even. One even convinced me I ‘had’ to have a Facebook page and she’d set it up for me. It languished and then after meeting on line people in real life and finding out my personality is apparently only appealing from behind a computer…
I killed off my social media presence. It lead to nothing but problems. Nastiness ensued, things got broken, and I won’t say I was shattered but I was…humbled. I am apparently great at promoting music because it’s not about me. If I try to promote myself, it becomes painfully aware how lacking I am in every aspect. I may be okay with who I am (for the most part) but others are not. The saving grace is that I learned early on what social media really is-shallow. And the way it has devoured society is just sad. Last cookout I went to with ten people there, nine of them were on their phones updating their status or Tweeting. That, to me, is the very definition of anti social.
That being said…I also recognize the great things social media can do. I wish I were a social media queen, I really do. I loved promoting music, interacting with the band and their fans, managing pages and promotions. It didn’t pay money, but it made me feel worthwhile. Social media has great value, if you know how to use it, work it, and it doesn’t consume you or psychologically destroy you. Unfortunately, that was my experience and I haven’t fallen off the wagon in 10 years. I even gave up Reddit because you couldn’t comment on a meaningful post without some troll starting a flame war. It’s just not my thing.
So it’s not laziness, it’s not that I think I am too good to do social media…It’s just that I have been there, done that, and still have the scars to show how it did not work out well. I haven’t written off the notion, but there’d have to be a better forum than what is presently offered. I don’t do shallow. And honestly, I don’t spend a lot of time taking pictures of my food even if it looks like Beyonce’s face is on my toast, this could get me a thousand likes! Just not me. If it’s you…go with Beyonce and the toast and be merry.
Anyway…that’s that story and this is our current one.
Maybe at some point I can take the two donations we have received (thank you, kind souls, you are amazing) and get into town to buy some allergy pills and stop clawing off my own flesh among other necessities. $35 from being able to pay car insurance by the 21rst and get gas, cat food, and meds.
Taking it one day at a time, trying to remember to breathe, and once again, giving the phone and door the evil eye to will away any callers or visitors.
My ability to be calm and civilized will only return if I am allowed peace and quiet for awhile. And that includes that damn inner bully that keeps calling me names and telling me to go do stuff. I’m out of bed, wearing clean clothes, what more do you expect from me? Oh, right, that’s basic functioning, not an Olympic accomplishment.
No,the medal will come if and when I finally find the energy to bathe.