Monthly Archives: May 2018

No connection. Please wait..

My husband recently told me that he hasn’t been feeling like we’ve been connecting.

Yup. I told him I believe it. I don’t feel connected to anything lately. My whole life right now feels like I could give a damn.

Every chance I get I try to take a breather outside the house because I feel overwhelmed all the time, by everything.

I told him it’s my mental illness and that help is on the way but until then I’ll try to make more of an effort.

This is my way to say: “yeah right”

Surprise

I just got notice that my department head is leaving at the university I plan to teach at this fall.  I taught last fall but didn’t this spring, so I was out of the loop of whatever went on to lead to his departure.  It seems to be a sudden thing–they don’t have a replacement lined up, and he doesn’t have another job lined up, according to him.  So I am really curious but can’t find anyone that may could give me the  lowdown.  Maybe one of my adjunct friends from last year can tell me when we go back.

We’re packing more today—-trying to get everything in one place and see how much it actually is and whether it will fit into her car.   So we are seeing about that.  It really getting real and will soon be a reality.

I had hoped to get the house cleaned up some more before we left, but I dont’ think it’s going to happen.  I don’t have the energy ro desire to do it.  Maybe once we get back and I can do a room at a time with the youngest one’s help. Or maybe when the middle one gets here she can help.

So we are busy but not too busy just yet.  Tomorrow will be the fun day of packing the oldest one’s car full.  We will have to see how it goes.  Pray for us as wel make this trip and this transition.

 

Multi Directional Meltdown

Yesterday pushed me to the edge and today feels like an anxiety hangover. My mood is low, my energy is nil (and I slept pretty well, interrupted, as usual, but still, I got a few solid hours), and the free floating anxiety and paranoia are rampant. This is nothing unusual, following an uber triggering day. Some people thrive on high stress and pressure whereas it does me in and I need to take a beat and recover. Probably why I self isolate so much. Sensory overload messes with my mood stability and I do need to step back and ‘opt out’ of further stressors. Sometimes I am able to do this, and this morning has indicated this to be one of those times. But it’s only 11 a.m. so lots of hours left for the day to turn into another trigger.

All things considered, I’ve had a few decent mental days lately so this is a hiccup, or well, an annoying hours long bout of hiccups.

Yesterday started with my bank deposit MIA which threw off the plans I’d made beforehand. It turned out to be a blessing, of sorts, because my dad was wanting me and stepmonster to go to town together to save on fuel and honestly…riding with other people is just one of those things I.don’t.like.to.do. And considering how much I like saving on gas money and avoid driving in traffic, you know my aversion to riding with others is enormous. It has nothing to do with their driving ability. It’s that feeling of being at their mercy, trapped, forced to endure social niceties and my own errands plus theirs and no control of the ‘opt out’ where I can flee homeward when circuits overload. It sounds like a silly thing and it’s to my own detriment in some ways, but it is what it is.

My money eventually deposited, but by then Spook was playing with her little friend and of course, complaining about everything C was doing being wrong or annoying her, so that noise (literal and metaphoric) set me on edge. On edge is not the mental state to be in when driving to town. Living in tiny Armpit has turned my driving paranoia and anxiety into some metastatic thing so I need to be in the right mindset to brave it. (Again, wouldn’t carpooling be nice, ya know, if it didn’t make the anxiety even worse.) Waited a couple of hours and then the kid bickering just got to be too much, had to load her up and flee my own home for an escape. I thought out of the trailer park I might get my life back and not run a free daycare and food dispensary every day. My social child has maintained the status quo and I gotta say…it’s annoying because her little friend is picky as hell and always.bloody.hungry. If they didn’t occasionally reciprocate by having her over and giving her a popsicle or water, I’d probably be in bitchbeast mode. Everyone blamed the trailer park for every bad thing (me, too, my bad) but really…it’s just a kid thing. Kids are needy, ungrateful, rude no matter who raises them or where. And I hate being the ‘no’ monster, always chastising, saying no, being the downer. Adulting sucks.

Anyway, we finally went to town yesterday and ran errands (waiting to pay the landlord til June 1rst because if I get the money order on the 30th or 31rst, it confuses him as to what month it is, wtf, bitching about being paid early, on what planet is this a bad thing???). Paid a couple of bills by phone just to save myself aggravation of traffic and stops cos towing an incessantly talking uncooperative child along is the definition of a trigger, the stops we had to make were grueling enough. Thing I hate about paying on line are their ‘processing fees’. They don’t provide physical locations to pay, I don’t have excess money to mail payment a week beforehand, and it’s all just annoying.

By our sixth stop in town, my kid had talked me to exhaustion. The car was starting to overheat, I should have checked the coolant since it’s been in the 90’s but of course, swiss cheese brain forgets these things. I had no coolant in the trunk, left it behind at the trailer,ffs, shit ain’t cheap. I bought a gallon of water, then had to kneel in the parking lot and try to figure out the confusing hood latch…And Spook kept talking and questioning and it was hot and the temp gauge went down but the damn ‘low coolant’ light kept flashing on and off. That damn dashboard is gonna drive me to drink, nothing reads accurately so it can’t be trusted which means driving is a guessing game of what could go wrong this time…I love that car, don’t get me wrong, but working gauges is kind of something I like. Unfortunately, it’s a wiring problem and that shit…costs a lot of money and time in the shop.

I just prayed the whole way home that the car would get us there and that I wasn’t tearing it up by driving it with that damn flashing light. I was torn between calling my dad and asking if I should drive it or have them come to town and check it out. I erred on the side of self reliance and chance because if you call my dad and it ain’t an emergency, you’re in the for a ‘dumbass’ lecture. My mood was not conducive. God, I wish I’d taken auto shop in school, relying on others cos I am car dumb is stressful…Oh, wait, my bumfuck school didn’t even offer auto shop and I barely passed the required wood shop project…

God, I can’t stay on topic and get this rant over with cos my kid keeps interrupting with various complaints (bored is a common theme) and the doctor’s office called again to reschedule my shrink appt to tomorrow afternoon which throws off my entire day (I like to pay rent in the morning in hopes of avoiding the landlord knocking at the door, which is comedic, thinking he’d remember til a week later, shoot me if I get senile)…We got home, I chilled out, and eventually we ate leftovers and I bathed my kid and went to bed.

Gah…I hate these rambling posts but I must exorcise the demons so that they don’t consume me.

My stomach is rioting today, stress aftermath. That and never knowing when dad and crew are gonna bug me. I wish I had a better outlook on socialization but it just overloads me, and no amount of self pep talks and others guilting me for being ‘anti social’ changes this. I seek company when I feel able to cope, it’s good enough for me.

Well, the pre appointment anxiety is kicking in. I’m hoping I can sway the shrink to up my Cymbalta to 80 mg, it will likely be a hard sell but with a graduating dose, I think it will be fine now that I am off a secondary anti depressant. I’d like to get my mental state leveled out so I can get some minor enjoyment out of our summer. And a level mental state makes the meltdowns lessen because my coping skills improve. It’s just all around good deal for me, just gotta sell the doctor on it. Then my next appt will be back to nurse doc, ugh. And it sucks because she really IS super nice, and I hate questioning her aptitude because we’ve all been new at something and experience doesn’t happen overnight…But her by the book questioning and seeming indifference while clacking away on the computer keyboard just don’t sit well with me. If your doctor appointments trigger you, something is very wrong. But alas, since this place can’t keep doctors, it looks like I have no choice. And it goes to that devil you know thing cos a new doctor could be worse….

Gah. That is the word of today, kids. GAH! See, this rambling rant is what becomes of me when I bottle a needed post for whatever random reason. I gotta vent then I can write half ass coherent stuff.

Now I am going to breathe and hope the tummy goblins die down.

If being high strung was an Olympic sport, man, I’d win the gold big time.

Ugh

Today I am feeling really shitty because of some family issues I just found out.

I’m moody, a bitch, and tired all day long.

I think this is what you call normal for me now.

HOW THE PLACEBO EFFECT REALLY WORKS

The placebo effect is real, sugar pills can have as much of an effect as medication. But how? This video attempts to explain how.  According to the video, it’s energetic. The answers are within us. Of course a wonderful thing to believe and attempt to do! Please comment on any experience you’ve had with the placebo effect or positive thinking. Thank you 😍😍😍

https://www.gaia.com/lp/content/how-the-placebo-effect-really-works/?utm_source=facebook%2Borganic&utm_medium=gaia&utm_term=lp&utm_campaign=evergreen&ch=st

Counting Down

We’re getting into the homestretch of packing and the details are legion.  But we’ll get through it.  I have all my luggage packed except for my daily stuff.  Bob will likely pack tonight, and we are going today to buy more athletic shorts for my youngest to pack.  The oldest of course is more complicated.

Talked with Tillie and that went well.  I already have an appointment when we get back to process the oldest leaving us so that is good.  We talked a lot about how I was currently feeling about her leaving and I am so far pretty upbeat about it.  I know she’s going to a premium job and will enjoy herself.   Everything else about it is up to her–she is grown and has to manage it herself.

The past few days have really left me feeling good.  I don’t feel as down or as hopeless as I was feeling and am looking forward to the trip.  Things are just kind of popping along.  I wish I could get motivated to clean up more around the house before we leave but I don’t think that’s going to happen with everything we still have left to arrange.

Hope everyone has a good rest of the week.

Living Triggers

Right now there a three mowers cutting down the grass and my kid has her friend over so they are inside bickering, as usual. My frayed nerves take this sensory assault very personally. The noise alone does me in but that it’s my dad and his crew mowing because they deemed my lawncare subpar after only a week without a mowing…Guess my inferiority complex is as triggered as my nerves. Just….being in their proximity sets me off whether a word is said or not. Because undoubtedly words are going to be said. One on one, I can handle dad, stepmonster, and my brother. The three of them combined, yelling and cussing each other and everyone else…sends me over the edge.

These are the times I think, “I need a hubcap size of Xanax.”

That (not hubcap sized, of course, insurance is too cheap to pay for that doseage) Xanax door is my last option, I really do try hard to tolerate my triggers and live with them. No pill is going to make them go away and you don’t learn coping mechanisms just popping a pill every time your circuits are overloaded. So I do battle and try and try harder and try some more.

Sometimes, I succeed. Sometimes, I fail miserably. I keep trying, that’s gotta count for something. And sometimes what I need most when experiencing overload, like yesterday with my brother here all day on the internet and my kid having her pouting fit cos she didn’t get her outing the neighbor promised, then bickering with her friend the whole day cos she was just in a foul mood…I had not slept much, was exhausted, overloaded, and yet…they invited her to play at their house and miraculously…just a little space and some peace from the child turmoil and noise…I managed to calm down, and I even did a week’s worth of dishes in spite of the kitchen feeling like a sauna. Instead of falling face first into bed at 8 p.m., I was awake til nearly midnight. Because just the break, short as it was, was enough to help me regain equilibrium. Doesn’t always work that way, but sometimes it does, and I love when that happens.

Of course, I didn’t sleep well again, and kept waking up per usual, which means without the school alarm now, I am sleeping til 8:30 or 9:30 a.m. My kid loves guilting me about it, like it’s all I ever do, yet she’s always at school on time, church on time, et al, so…I remember as a kid my parents would sleep an extra hour or so on weekends and we were expected to get our own bowl of cereal and just watch TV for awhile. That was when I was 5. My kid is almost 9, so I’m not really feeling the guilt of leaving my little one on her own for an hour in the morning. She’s trying to make me feel it but meh…If I slept ten hours a night and still wanted to sleep in, then I’d feel lazy and guilty. But if you’re averaging 4 hours of sleep every night and the longest stretch is 90 minutes…exhaustion’s natural, not sloth.

And the noise keeps on coming. C hasn’t been here a half hour and she’s already started yelling at him because how dare he expect her to share her toys. Sometimes, she has really unlikeable traits. Like when she says we are all here FOR HER and we all have to pay attention to her or go away. I’m voting for nature over nurture here, because while I certainly do want to be left alone, I do NOT treat people like my entertainment playthings I can snap my fingers at to summon and dismiss. That’s arrogant and frankly, an asshole move. All I can do is accept she is her own person, doesn’t mean I am a bad mom, and try to teach her better. I may as well go talk to a brick fricking wall.

Yes, my mood was level but the triggers bring it down and I get testy and pissed off and it reflects in a low mood and negative attitude. When the triggers dissipate and calm returns, I will pipe down. I try not to get bent but hey, apparently, getting bent is what I do best. Mom always said stick to what you’re good at. I still try to do better because getting bent hurts me and usually leads me to stick both feet, socks, and shoes in my mouth but hey, self improvement is a slow grueling process.

And the noise is halved, now I just have to contend with my kid’s bad attitude toward her friend.

About that hubcap sized Xanax….I’m gonna need that if I am to survive the summer with her tirades.

Just sayin’, back up plan is a good thing to have in case my self improvement thing falters.

Movie

We went to see the new Avengers movie Monday–it was just as good and wicked as my oldest said it was.  Of course I closed my eyes during the mass battle scenes, but I caught  all the nuances and innuendos and etcetera to know what was going on.  A lot of characters died, but no one is ever really dead in the Marvel Universe.  So that was really not as upsetting as it could have been.  The end of credits scene was interesting with a reappearance of Nick Fury calling in another superhero, whom Bob immediately recognized.  So hope is still out there for the franchise(s).

I feel like I did really well today.  I went to the movie and didn’t get bored with it (although I did not sit through a TV show the others watched afterwards), I’ve started packing for Disney and am doing what I need to do to get ready.  My oldest got an orientation packet today with her living assignment and a code designation for her work assignment, which she thinks she has cracked so she thinks she knows where she is working.  I can’t tell it, but it is a really cool place if she is right.  today.

Can’t think of much else to say today.  Hope everyone has a good start to their week and pray that the move to Orlando can go off without a hitch.

.

What Defines A Golden Day

I no longer classify days as ‘good’, that is just some therapy induced bullshit that tries to diminish whatever demons you’re battling in your mind at any given time. “Oh, I won five bucks at a scratch off I found on the ground, it was a good day.” Pfft. Mental health disorders give zero fucks about good things happening to you. That’s the hallmark of a mental disorder, anyway, when good things happen and you still feel like curling up into a ball and ceasing to exist. So forget ‘good days’ or ‘good’, period. Because in mental chaos, even the ‘bad’ days can end up feeling like a win for whatever reason. The dictionary is out the bloody window when your mind is in perpetual chaos.

Yesterday, for me, was a golden day. Nothing good happened. If anything, my kid returned from her weekend stay at her grandma’s and spent three hours playing outside with her friend (NOISE), read a book, played on the tablet, and declared, after being out of school three days, “Ugh, how much longer til summer is over, Mom? I’M BORED!” The stress of a bored child is bad enough but a hyperactive child who can’t be interested in anything more than five minutes…on a 95 degree day with only a window unit attempting to cool the place…if anything yesterday was miserable. I’m allergic to the PH in my own sweat so short of sitting in front of a fan or AC the entire time awake, I am constantly itchy and uncomfortable.

Yet I didn’t even realize until 11 p.m…19 hours after my last dose…I hadn’t taken a single smidgeon of Xanax. In spite of the discomfort and anxiety and stress…I was just plugging along, managing to live life despite its discomfort and sensory overload, and I wasn’t hating anything or anyone. I was…living.

THAT is what defines a golden day for me.

I spend so much time feeling like I have to justify my existence because, yes, I am on disability for my mental conditions, and not a moment passes I don’t feel like shit for not working, and barely a moment passes my family doesn’t make me feel like a freeloading pile of horse dung for it as well. So I am in a constant battle, doubting myself, questioning myself, wondering if I am just lazy or neurotic or hey, maybe that one therapist was right, maybe I’m totally borderline instead of bipolar and I managed a long con of ten different doctors all in agreement that my condition is disabling…

Times like that are when I have to do some deep soul searching and reflection.

Because I see people working the disability con game. The ones who can’t work yet they constantly post on social media about going out to eat, or a concert, or taking a vacation, or a road trip, or they finished reading some great American novel that was 15,000 pages long…

I can’t do any of that stuff no matter how much I might want to. Because even my golden days are tainted by my disorders. It’s not a matter of simply not wanting to do icky or difficult things. I am often crippled from doing the very things that nourish my soul and fuel my heart to want to keep fighting this bullshit battle with my own mind.

And let me save any “I got over it, you can, too! pep talks anyone might want to give. Because I hate them, and I hate people who give them. If you got over it, then you weren’t disabled by it. I may be able to learn to cope better, but I will never simply get over it. It’s not some tumor I can have removed, or some psychic wound I can get counseled beyond. The very chemicals in my brain that are supposed to tell me to be happy or be sad or feel scared or feel excited in a good way- they don’t cooperate, they don’t work the way they should, they simply don’t give a damn if I want them to get with the fucking program so I can live life to the fullest.

My proof may not appear in any blood test or on a microscopic slide, but the proof is in the fact that just two months ago, I was in a suicidal space. No plan, not intention to act, but seriously thinking it was all so bad that it was my only out other than accepting the miserable darkness.

Going into week 4 on Cymbalta…my whole outlook has changed. My energy may not be up and my housework may be approaching biohazard level, but the fact that I no longer see death as a logical solution, that I can see good things in the bad stuff, the fact that I went all those hours without a Xanax in spite of the anxiety and stress I was feeling…

Golden. Day.

I am getting one or two of those a week, so I get a little giddy thinking about my next doc appointment and the possibility of maxing the dose to 80 mg. If 40 got me this far, even dropping off the secondary antidepressant, well, 80 might just put me in a place where I get more golden days than dark ones.

And that’s something to hope for, to get fucking excited about!

It’s no cure, and I am medication resistant so I won’t be thinking this is my lifelong antidote but after months and months of misery and blackness…this is light at the end of the tunnel and my brain ISN’T telling me it’s an oncoming train for once.

This is fucking golden!

I’m still edgy, uncertain, easily taxed out and over sensitive to noise so I won’t be doing that dining out or concerts or amusement park thing any time soon even if OMG, I miss the occasional dinner out, hearing a live band, and riding a damned roller coaster sooo much…

Right now, I am living life, I am being a mom, a better one, at that, now that I am mentally present in her life…so I’m gonna wrap it up with a bow and call it golden.

Not good. Not bad.

But coping in spite of it all and my brain behaving itself? Damn near worthy of platinum.

Good Weekend

I have had a good weekend–my youngest is back home from my parents’ house and from what we’ve been emailed, the middle one is having a good time in Oxford, England.  The oldest is still packing to get ready to leave for Disney World and we are helping as we can.

It was five years ago right in the latter part of this month that I finally made Jesus lord of my life, and I got a timely reminder to remember that time in this Sunday’s sermon, about remembering times of God’s grace and deliverance.  I remember that I gave Bob a engraved Swiss watch for our twentieth anniversary and told him I had meant for it be a reminder of  our time together, but that now it would be a marker of how long we had to now spend eternity together in heaven.  SO I have been celebrating that milestone e in a quiet way all day long and am so very grateful that I did not run out of time before I made this change.

I’ve tried so hard to stay awake today and have largely succeeded. I had a hard time getting up but we got to church on time and had a good presentation by a missionary to Mexico in our Sunday School class.  SO that was good as well.

I Have had a good mood today—I feel a lot better than I have in a while.  I am going to pack this week and get my stuff ready to go to Disney early so I can help my oldest later in the week. We have Bob home tomorrow for the holiday and plan to go to see the latest Avengers movie.  SO I am looking forward to that.

Be sure to pop over to YouTube to see my vlog for this week, and stay tuned for more of those as the weeks progress.  Someone suggested I spend the summer picking up a new skill, so I am experimenting with the video app on my computer to do these.  I’m not going for any production awards, but I will be winging it mostly, just like I do these blogg posts.  Thanks for reading and now viewing!