Sometime last week this feeling started and it hasn’t gone away. Like something bad is going to happen or someone I love is hurting. But I haven’t figured out what it is. It’s driving me crazy!!
After not having all my meds last month I thought when I got them back I would go back to being ok. But it’s like not taking it changed something inside me and now it doesn’t work the same. I don’t like it because it won’t go away until I figure it out or talk to the right person.
Something else that’s strange is that I have found myself just sitting and watching TV. I’m sure you’re thinking that’s not weird. But it is for me. I basically never sit still and just do one thing. I see or play on my tablet. Something to keep my mind busy. Always. I take my crochet stuff with me to groups, and other outings. If I don’t have that I’m on my phone. It’s scares me a little that that has changed. I can see the benefit and it would be nice to just sit and watch a show. But it’s really not me and I do t like it.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my narcissistic personality disorder diagnosis. I know I need to go into my hole and do my research and make sure I know everything that is possible to know. So that I can talk about it and educate people.
But it scares me. This is different from the bipolar in many ways and I know that. And I don’t know what will happen when I finish my research. Not to mention that in many ways I’m ashamed to tell anyone about this. Our society throws around the word narcissist to the point where everyone seems to be a narcissist and therefore it doesn’t really mean anything.
Next to almost losing my husband this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. This is a personality disorder. Which means it effects me everyday and with every interaction. How am I supposed to figure out what parts of who I am are bad and which ones are good. It’s not like you get a warning or anything. And it’s extremely hard to start looking at your interactions under a microscope and figure out what needs to be changed.
I’m kind of suffering a why me crisis at the moment. No one really sees it because there’s really no point in growing a pity party. But I hate this!! I hate even more that I’m the only one in the family that has this. Because there’s no one that relates and can truly understand. My Mom really tries I think. She listens when I try to explain how I think and how I used to think before being medicated. But none of them know, and that makes it really lonely sometimes. I can try to put this all in a box, and I do. If I didn’t it would consume me. But every once in a while it comes out and it’s pretty bad inside my head. And I kind of get stuck there for a few days or weeks. I am see it and I don’t want to do it, but it’s like I have to. It’s a compulsion that won’t let me go until I face it.
So I have this feeling……
And I’m scared to. face this massive issue. But I know that I have to in order to come out on the other side. So I guess we are going down the rabbit hole……