Daily Archives: April 14, 2018

To care or not to care

I am struggling to find the balance between not caring at all and caring too much!! And how are you supposed to find the answer when everyone you ask doesn’t know either.

When things get tough and I don’t understand I try to figure out what is important to God and what He would want. Which to me is a ligit thing. But I’m not God, so my mere presence doesn’t usually have the influence I would like it to.

I can see God everywhere!! I try to tell myself when something goes wrong that’s there’s a reason that may not have been revealed yet. But good gravy!! What do you do when someone you love chooses to stick their head in the sand??

Does it have to be all or nothing? And is it possible that the person on the other end is wrong, even though they believe they are following God and doing what He wants?

I’m not sure you can have both. I don’t think we are supposed to watch the people we love walk a path that so obviously isn’t working. Maybe the answer lies in the delivery of the information. Although start challenging someone’s long held beliefs and you are most likely in for a long road full of blame and anger because “how dare you challenge my beliefs”.

I ask a LOT of questions. About anything and everything. I gather as much information as I can before I ever decide to say something to someone. I have found most people don’t ask questions, even where their kids well being is being questioned.

The truth is things we are taught growing up are all under the umbrella of what our parents are teaching us. I don’t mean that in a bad way, it’s just fact. For some kids rough housing is normal, for others rough housing will get you in trouble. Not necessarily anything wrong with either one but we often look through a lens of what we see and know.

People seem to think that if they grew up knowing God that they know Him as an adult. And they do and we do. But so many things are left out or not discussed in church circles. There seems to be a fear that if you have a class on something that isn’t absolute people wouldn’t be able to handle it. In Genesis there is a verse that talks about the gods mating with humans. What?!?!?? How did I get to age 37 and never even hear that before. We are missing out.

When we don’t ask questions and seek for ourselves we are missing out. When we expect our children to be perfect while we walk around a hot mess. Kids are so curious and they like to know why. I do t HAVE to answer these questions for my kids, but I want to. I believe they are more likely to follow my advice or counsel or any specific rule if they understand where it is coming from. And why the rule is in place to begin with. Yes!! There absolutely is a time and place for “because I said so”. But the older they get the more I believe that statement just pushes them towards breaking whatever rule you’re talking about.

When I tell my kids why they get a glimpse into me and into the world outside and into who they are. When left to make good choices my kids very rarely do wrong. And even when they do, by any standard, it is minor. I love watching and listening to my daughter. The way she thinks and the things she has learned from me. Things that she shares with me because I give her the space to share her life with me. She’s almost 13. And I cherish every time she opens her mouths and tells me something many girls don’t tell their Moms.

I don’t say this to feel superior. I say it because there is evidence for the things I say and do. And I wonder at what point do the people closest to me start to regard me with some respect and dignity. I KNOW what I am talking about and there is PROOF that what I say and do works. But mostly I am asked to leave people alone and to watch them walk themselves, or their kids, or their family off a cliff. How am I supposed to, in good conscious, do that?? How do I see a situation and just say “oh well they don’t want to hear what I have to say anyway, so I will just watch them. And then I thinknisnt that exactly what God does with us.

I don’t know how to do it. And I don’t know how to get myself to a place where my emotions are able to handle doing that. But I know I have more to learn. So to care or not to care……..who has an answer?!???

I Survived The Week!

Wow, what a week it has been!  I spent roughly three hours per day commuting to Downtown Denver every day last week to my new contracting job as a Deskside Analyst. I started the job with a terrible head cold.  I was blowing my nose constantly all week.  (I’m still not better).   What a total drag!!!  I was so exhausted at the end of every day, I was too tired to eat dinner.  I just went to bed.  Then it was back up at 4am to start all over again.  I don’t know how I did it, and I don’t know how I’m going to keep doing it.

The people at the job are very nice, which is a plus.  I got to find out just how rusty my Desktop Support skills are, which was not joyful.  Four years away from the field is a long time.  I’m worried about coming across as a doofus.  Anyhoo, I did my best.  I replaced between thirty and forty hard drives in laptops, reimaged them and encrypted them.  That’s the bulk of what I did.  I also did some setups of computers for new employees, which involved shlepping equipment around different floors of the building, and crawling under desks in my dress, reminding me exactly why I hated the field of Desktop Support so much.  It was a real downer and I don’t know what to tell myself about where I’m at, except this is where I’m at!  This was the only job I was offered and I had to take it.  It kind of sucks to be me right now but for some reason this is what life is offering me so I have to make the best of it.  I wish I knew why life has to be so difficult sometimes.

As usual, my paranoia kicked in, which always happens in jobs.  I get paranoid that I’m going to get fired.  So I was paranoid that I wasn’t making the grade, or that I didn’t fit in with the team well enough, and I thought that at any minute the boss was going to tell me to head home because it wasn’t working out.  Fortunately, that didn’t happen.

I am sooooo happy to be back to the weekend, home with my birds.  I slept a healthy twelve hours, and it was nice to wake up to daylight, instead of waking up in the dark.  I drank a ton of coffee, which I can’t do during the week because of my long commute (I can’t risk needing to pee in the middle of the commute).  I am going to have a long, lazy day, and at some point I will brave the always-crowded grocery store.  Other than that it’s just rest & relaxation.  Tomorrow I will go see Mom and Dad, as usual.

Mom wants me to move in with them, because it would shorten my commute.  One thing is for sure, when my lease is up on May 31, I’m not extending it.  But where I will go, I don’t know.  I think moving in with my parents would be the ultimate downer, I mean ULTIMATE!!!!  But this job is only guaranteed until July, so moving closer to it doesn’t necessarily make sense.  Plus, I don’t even want to do this job that long!!  But will I have to??  There are lots of unknowns.  But here is a known:  I get to talk to my parents about whether or not I should move in with them tomorrow.  That should be fun.

Oh, by the way, I didn’t get that job I was hoping for.  BIG DRAG!!  I got the fuck off letter this week.  Apparently they went with an internal candidate, my friend who works there tells me.  So I am stuck with this commute indefinitely.  Lord help me.

I hope you all had a great week, please let me know how you are in the Comments.  I love hearing from you!!  Peach out!