Daily Archives: April 10, 2018

Seems daily I am asked, ‘How are you?’ I know *most* are merely being polite. But the stigma of mental health issues makes the innocuous,polite question seem like a landmine to me. Especially with family and friends who refuse to grasp the gravity of depression,bipolar,anxiety,etc. I find myself selling the ‘I’m fine’ line 24-7. Experience has taught me to bottle it up because empathy won’t be forthcoming.

How sad a statement about the human race is it that those with mental health issues have to LIVE A LIE so those around them don’t have to feel uneasy?

Even this blog often forces me to stuff down my true feelings (you didn’t know I was holding back,didja?). I hate having to think if my writing is gonna ‘trigger’ someone to self harm or not. Hate having to label something as a potential trigger,much as I understand why it’s not just polite but necessary. Guess I lack the self confidence to believe my lowly words could inspire people for good or bad. But words do have consequences.

That being said…

TRIGGER WARNING.

Yesterday had me seriously close to that precarious edge. Everything with the state insurance is all fucked up so all that anxiety on my kid and the cost of gas into town only to find out even dental has changed and her doctor isn’t covered….was a waste.

Dejected would be a mild term for how I felt.

Still I faked it through a playdate for Spook and got her to bed,then curled up in Fort Blankie myself. I was further crushed by the expected call back from the shrink’s office,saying to increase the Effexor by 37.5 mg for another week cos insurance won’t pay for another med til I max out on this one.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I didn’t have the nards to tell her I upped my dose that much last week and instead of feeling better or at least the same…I feel worse. I did mention feeling worse,just not my self prescribed increase. But zero fucks are given. The insurance company is now part of the hindrance of me getting adequate mental healthcare.

Meanwhile, I sink down the rabbit hole more and more and feel life slipping away.

Which leads to SPLAT and feelings of worthlessness and yes..wanting to end it all.

It was suicidal ideation I fell asleep with last night. Because I can’t deal with all the insurance problems and more expenses than income while not in my right mind but some insurance company says I’m on hold til I max out on a med that’s not helped an iota in 5 weeks…

It feels futile.

At least the blackened mood lifted to dark charcoal gray today. I still feel like I am nearing the end of my frayed rope,but unlike last night,I’m not as scared I will act on those feelings.

Still…when you have to postpone venting your feelings out of fear they could trigger someone…

It feels like my entire identity and voice are being censored and muted by every faction of my life.

I guess it’s karma for every time I tell people what they want to hear and say I am fine.

If you have a voice and don’t use it,you lose it.