Daily Archives: April 10, 2018

Ripped Off

My bumper, that is.  I had parked my car up close to a curb at my treatment center and my bumper stuck on the curb this afternoon and ripped clean off my car. I couldn’t fit it into my car so one of the guys with an SUV put it in his back end and followed me to the body shop, where they said they should get to it tomorrow before noon.  So I may get to go to treatment tomorrow, I may not.  Bob says he can’t take me to it tomorrow; they’re too busy for him to take out tomorrow and take me there.  I’m just glad my daughter left on her trip today and didn’t need me to be at home in time to catch her off the bus.

Now I have a headache. We can’t put it on the insurance so we’ll pay out of pocket and no idea how much it will cost. I feel so stupid having done it.  I don’t know what I could have done differently to prevent it.  Just bad news all the way around.  I’m trying to do the right things and things feel like they are spinning out of control for me.  Hopefully I can get something worked out.

I have the CPC event tonight and I hope that will calm me down somehow or at least make me forget about it all for a while. I really don’t want to go–I feel horrible.  But Bob said I could take his car tonight so I suppose I will do that.

Hopefully I can somehow get my car back and go to treatment tomorrow at least for the afternoon.   I will pray hard on it tonight. Maybe they can even be done with it before  10 so I will make it there on time.  Hope everyone else has a better day than me.

 

 

SLS 04/08/2019 – “Heartlight”

Okay, I am a little late on this one, but I didn’t want to pass up a chance to write about the guy I have had a crush on for 50 years – Neil Diamond. He, along with Burt Bacharach and Carol Bayer Sager, was inspired by the movie “ET” to write a song. I believe it …

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Mental Illness:Telling People What They Want To Hear

Seems daily I am asked, ‘How are you?’ I know *most* are merely being polite. But the stigma of mental health issues makes the innocuous,polite question seem like a landmine to me. Especially with family and friends who refuse to grasp the gravity of depression,bipolar,anxiety,etc. I find myself selling the ‘I’m fine’ line 24-7. Experience has taught me to bottle it up because empathy won’t be forthcoming.

How sad a statement about the human race is it that those with mental health issues have to LIVE A LIE so those around them don’t have to feel uneasy?

Even this blog often forces me to stuff down my true feelings (you didn’t know I was holding back,didja?). I hate having to think if my writing is gonna ‘trigger’ someone to self harm or not. Hate having to label something as a potential trigger,much as I understand why it’s not just polite but necessary. Guess I lack the self confidence to believe my lowly words could inspire people for good or bad. But words do have consequences.

That being said…

TRIGGER WARNING.

Yesterday had me seriously close to that precarious edge. Everything with the state insurance is all fucked up so all that anxiety on my kid and the cost of gas into town only to find out even dental has changed and her doctor isn’t covered….was a waste.

Dejected would be a mild term for how I felt.

Still I faked it through a playdate for Spook and got her to bed,then curled up in Fort Blankie myself. I was further crushed by the expected call back from the shrink’s office,saying to increase the Effexor by 37.5 mg for another week cos insurance won’t pay for another med til I max out on this one.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I didn’t have the nards to tell her I upped my dose that much last week and instead of feeling better or at least the same…I feel worse. I did mention feeling worse,just not my self prescribed increase. But zero fucks are given. The insurance company is now part of the hindrance of me getting adequate mental healthcare.

Meanwhile, I sink down the rabbit hole more and more and feel life slipping away.

Which leads to SPLAT and feelings of worthlessness and yes..wanting to end it all.

It was suicidal ideation I fell asleep with last night. Because I can’t deal with all the insurance problems and more expenses than income while not in my right mind but some insurance company says I’m on hold til I max out on a med that’s not helped an iota in 5 weeks…

It feels futile.

At least the blackened mood lifted to dark charcoal gray today. I still feel like I am nearing the end of my frayed rope,but unlike last night,I’m not as scared I will act on those feelings.

Still…when you have to postpone venting your feelings out of fear they could trigger someone…

It feels like my entire identity and voice are being censored and muted by every faction of my life.

I guess it’s karma for every time I tell people what they want to hear and say I am fine.

If you have a voice and don’t use it,you lose it.

Anxiety sucks

The room has become too big
My anxiety crawling along the walls
calling my fear front and center
Shaking hands
Short of breath.
Sweat down my back
Trying to stand tall when
the weight of the world is pressing
Dishes piled high
Laundry piled high
My bed sheets now hold my tired stains
I can’t get out of this bed
I can’t open that window
My poor kitty beckons in the Hall
No food in his bowl
Curtains curtail the sun and
Usher in the darkness
Weeds grow all around
Outside and
Inside this broken mind