Daily Archives: April 9, 2018

Game of Inches

The assumption about bipolar is basically that you are moody; one minute happy and excited, the next sad and despondent. But this is far from the reality. To clarify on what a bipolar diagnosis is: for Type I, you need to have experienced 1 depressed mood and 1 manic mood in your entire life. There […]

Exercise 4

So my professor said my scene was good but it would be more beliveable if the other main character had a drink in her hand. I can see that. I will have to make that revision.  Or have her drink the guy’s drink instead and then move the conversation to the weirdness zone she takes it.  I think I like that even better.

SO that part of today went well.  Group was halfway decent–two girls in for chemical dependency relapsed over the weekend and that took up most of the time.  On the other hand, I did my timeline today and will ask to present it soon, probably next week on Monday.  Then I do a graveyard and a therapeutic letter or two to people that have hurt me.  I may do three.  I’m not sure.

I am so tired.  I really want to lie down but I can’t–too much to do tonight.  That’s the thing about being gone all day to these classes.  I don’t have time to do much of anything else.

My youngest goes out of town tomorrow on a school trip and will be gone until Friday night.  Going to be lonesome.  We are going out Wednesday night with some friends and I had a video conference scheduled Thursday night but it’s been moved.  I will see what we’re  going ot do instead that night.

Hope everyone has a good start to their week.  Be safe!


Secondhand Anxiety

As mentioned previously,my daughter has a dentist appointment after school today. No big deal,right?

With anxiety and panic disorders,even things,like this,that are routine and don’t impact me personally,cause nervousness to skyrocket.

I call it second hand anxiety.

Back when I first consorted with the donor and he was looking for work,the mere task of driving him to get an application and return it resulted in me being a nervous wreck. And not just the usual symptoms, I also had stomach aches,jumpiness when the phone rang,trouble sleeping. It was as if I was the one applying for the job. The donor didn’t understand it and frankly he made me feel more moronic than I already did but what can I say? Triggers and second hand anxiety.

Today’s anxiety continues to mount as the appointment nears. I have little doubt this anxiety was why I kept waking during the night and why I’ve been up since before 4 a.m.

I am doing my best not to pass this secondhand anxiety onto my kid by acting cool and nonchalant, reassuring,comforting. Dentists already freak her out without my help. It’s difficult,always faking it,but I keep trying. I am sure once it is over we will both pipe down. Ya know,unless the car runs out of gas driving to or back from town and I have to call dad or stepmonster. In which case I will need 3 mg Xanax,noise dampening headphones to block the lecture,and a rock to crawl under. As if being my age and not having even ten bucks to my name to buy gas isn’t enough humiliation.

Hard to save money when every cent goes toward bills and necessities,not like I blow it on frou-frou shit.

But,digressing…Secondhand anxiety is a real thing and while irrational…

You can’t reason with an anxiety disorder. If you could,none of us with it would take pills and go to therapy.

Countdown to Muskogee. . . 11

Tomorrow is the last day of my membership at the Y.  This has been another place of deep learning and deeper acceptance.  Here, I began to move for the sake of my brain and to worry less about the shape of my body.  Here, I watched my tolerance for noise, people, inconvenience and routine rise and fall with my symptoms.  Here, I experienced joy again after a long siege of unhappiness as the water buoyed me up.  

I grew stronger.

I am stronger.


Whiskey Tango Foxtrot???

April in the midwest. Wtf?

I feel like my mind is on life support. Gorked from weather related depression,med resistant depression,situational depression. Throttled and choking to death on anxiety. It gets worse,not better.

I was in bed at 7:45, too exhausted mentally to do anything but let melatonin lull me. I woke at 8:39 p.m. 10:40. 12:30. 2 a.m. 3:49 a.m.

I said fuck it,tossing and turning just agitates me more. So I am up, drinking some tea, and listening to some blonde weather forecaster chick on TV telling me 3 more days of cold misery.

My stomach is churning,pure stress induced.

Spook has a dental check up at 4 p.m. today in town. She’s been freaking out for weeks whereas I’ve taken it in stride. Now that I have to get her there,yet have no clue how much gas is in the car (even the mileage counter thing isn’t accurate so my fucked up brain and numeric dyslexia don’t make me feel confident my guess is right)…Spook is terrified of the dentist and lashes out physically so it’s gonna be a bad evening for her which means a bad one for me.

I don’t get it. Think I was doing better without Effexor. I’ve come to terms with living in Armpit,for now,and we have it better here than we did at the trailer with a decent house and working appliances.

So why am I continuing to fall down the rabbit hole? Why can’t I get better sleep? Why won’t my nerves settle down?

Wrong meds,simple as that.

I should hear from Dr. H’s nurse today but then again…maybe not with their ramshackle methods.

I guess I am stuck awake at rooster hour with a burning acid stomach ache,the sleepiness to go back to bed,yet a brain too anxious to cooperate.

I’d say I hate Mondays but right now…I hate all days ending in d-a-y.

And who wouldn’t when your mental state gets worse by the day?

Published Author at Last!

Published Blogging for Bipolar Mental Health today! Visit Amazon.com/author/kittomalley. So excited!…