The weather remaining at winter temps as April is in bloom means my seasonal depression clings like the stench of decomposing flesh to hair follicles. Sunlight,sunlight,sunlight,say the mental health pros. Except Mother Nature isn’t providing any,all my ineffectual ‘mood enhancing lamps’ are DOA, and I can’t afford to buy a new one. Not that they ever worked for me,which sucks,because I guess for many people they work like gangbusters at helping winter depression. So no warmth,no natural light,meds not working…I am drowning and all I look forward to is sleep.
Except my long standing sleep disturbance means I wake,for no reason,multiple times a night. I have a hard enough time falling asleep, so it is really maddening to have to endure the process repeatedly every night.
Now due to the excess anxiety of the move and the monthly expenses doubling,not to mention proximity to my dad’s negative and oppressive faction…
Sleep is no longer a true comfort as it is plagued by nightmares. I wish they involved chainsaw wielding madmen. Instead,I wake up bathed in sweat because I am having dreams about water bills and getting trash service while still keeping food for my kid. And while you can wake up and laugh off the machete murderers…
This is my reality.
There is no escape. When you start out so far behind,there is no hope of getting caught up. If I could even get $200 in donations it would help immensely but I have lost my old fund raising mojo. Or people just care more about helping animals than helping a struggling mom and daughter. Idk.
Last night’s horror fest that woke me in a terror was some sort of repeat of the move except my mom,dad,and uncle were all berating me for not working and being on disability. It was brutal because it was like some anti intervention. Just people putting me down,calling me lazy, insisting I am not disabled,just milking it.
I was glad to wake up. Until I realized the move was no nightmare. We are really stuck in Armpit, paying double for the misery to live here, and if the donor loses another job like last time and we no longer have the child support…we’re screwed. And failing my kid,again, is terrifying. She is just now starting to forgive me for moving us here and finding positives in the situation.
Failing her is my living nightmare.
Unfortunately, my doctor was out of the office all last week when I called to report the Effexor failure. When the nurse called back,she was gushing about how the doctors prefer to try the max dose before changing meds and I felt myself crumble inside. 6 weeks with zero change,a dose increase isn’t gonna change that. Besides which it was the doctor who told me if I felt no improvement,chances are we need to try something else. My fear is IF the nurse even remembers to mention my call,the doc will have forgotten our convo and keep me on this ineffectual med. The nurse is the gatekeeper so her influence will likely trump prior convo doc and I had.
I feel like I’ve been sat in a dark corner and started gathering cobwebs waiting for someone to SEE how far down the rabbit hole I am and HELP. I am asking,pleading,begging.
I’ve got to get better,fast,and get a job and start doing better for Spook now!
if only it worked that way. What I want is a year of stable med combo so when I do look for work,I can be honest that I am stable and ready.
Right now,I’m still only bathing twice a week and can’t find a single thing in the future to look forward to except the elusive nightmare free sleep. If sheer will and desire counted for anything,I’d be super woman.
I just want the nightmares to stop. Or at least return to impossible stuff like sinking on The Titanic.
Which seems like a statement about my current situation. Drowning and no way out.
If the depression would let up,I know I could find a couple of rainbow barfing narwhals or something to make it all feel less futile.