Daily Archives: March 21, 2018

Unexpected

So, I started off the month of March knowing that my meds wouldn’t make it through the month. I had an insurance change and the new one isn’t effective until April 1. Anyway, my sleeping meds ran out last Tuesday. My husband has let me take his, but they make me so drowsy when I wake up I don’t really like to take them. But when the choice is sleep or sleep very little you take the pill.

I got in a kind of a fight with my sister last week, except it wasn’t really a fight to me. I was trying to suggest that what she thinks is happening might not in fact be the case. But I guess it came out badly and I assumed she knows things that she doesn’t actually know. I don’t know.

But I do know this. More times than not in these situations I end up feeling like my experiences and what I think isn’t as good as someone else’s. Now she did not say that to me. I do t think that she ever would. But she did tell me basically not to take it personal. My Mom told me the same thing. While I can see that and I understand in theory the ability to do that. Not taking stuff personally really isn’t who I am. Sure, on some things but on the things involving the people I love and care about they ARE very personal.

And it’s not just that they are people I care about. It’s that so much of who I am and what I do is wrapped up in being an advocate for people who are different or who can’t or won’t stand up for themselves. Even at work. Many people have some of the same thoughts and issues I have, but often they don’t say anything. And so I do! It is personal to me when I share my story or when I try to get someone to see a different perspective through asking questions.

I can’t tell you how many times I have been right and had to keep my big mouth shut instead of saying I told you so. But the worst part is that often my advice isn’t even remembered. When that I told you so moment comes, I have to pretend like I didn’t already give the advice that would have resulted differently. I get tired of people telling me that I’m wrong or that I do something in the wrong way. When the truth is it isn’t wrong, it’s just different. Just one time that when things get hard someone chooses to say “her deliveries wrong, but maybe I should consider what she is saying”. But that doesn’t happen. People are too busy finding me wrong to think that what I am saying could be true.

And the sad part is. There are certain things about me that will never change. I will always be loud at times. I will always be passionate and uninterested in hearing people’s excuses. I spend every day trying to think of others and treat them the way I would want to be treated. But it seems because I am those things I don’t deserve the same thought in return. And before you start thinking I’m over reacting. I’m not. Because I have the ability to look at myself and be very honest and truthful other people seem to think they should do that as well. That what I’m saying must be wrong and that they have a duty to tell me how imperf3ct I am. It’s not something that has happened once or twice. Or that happened more when I was younger. It happens again and again. From people in all different areas of my life. Do you know how many times someone has apologized to me?? Well, none. I’m sure there was someone in there. But most of the people who apologize to me are people who really have no reason to apologize. Those times when I would most like to hear it, it’s “crickets”. Except for my husband. He tells me he’s sorry. He has apologized more than once for small things and for the really big things. More and more I realize he is the ONLY person that sees me for me and sees the good things instead of always the bad things or the different things. He has taken the time to know me, and he uses what he knows to help make our relationship better.

I’m tired of being different. I’m tired of watching while people are able to be fake and impersonal with others and I simply don’t really have the ability to do that. Some would say it’s because I don’t want to. But that’s not true. Truthfully, it’s because I view all those things as lies and partial truths. The fact that people have to lie and be fake in order to live in this world truly pains me. It’s not honest, genuine, and it definitely isn’t real. What’s worse is that so few people are like me, and so few people truly share my illness. It isn’t fake and it’s not going to go away. Anyone who knows me will tell you I am as stubborn as they come, so if they believe thatwhy is it so easy for them to say that if I wanted to change other things. Some things sure. But those things that have been with me in many cases since before I can even remember doing them. Why is it ok to be kind, and follow rules, and to be conscientious?? But it’s not ok to be stubborn, outspoken, and question everything? Because that’s what it boils down to. People view my questions as a judgment that what they are saying isn’t right or that I don’t agree with them? When nothing could be further from the truth. I ask questions because I want to know things. I ask questions because people’s thoughts and motives nd childhoods matter. I ask because when I speak I want to be confident in what I’m saying and I want to be as logical as possible.

But it’s hard for me to stay neutral with my illness. I’m not a person that sees it everywhere. In fact the opposite. It takes a lot for me to even really want to approach that subject with someone, outside of my own experiences, and I NEVER do it lightly. It isn’t something that I want people to have. It’s something I do my best to talk people out of thinking if I can. I advocate good and extensive testing. But I know what it’s like to live in my head. I know what I thought as a teenager and I am painfully aware of how different my mind is. It’s because of that that I never want someone else to suffer. If I can help someone avoid that I will do whatever I possibly can. And it’s not something I want someone to take my word on. I just want someone to see my life and what has happened to me and find value in it enough that someone else’s life might be changed.

As much as sometimes people might think so, I don’t want to hurt anyone. But there are truths in this life that don’t change. And have a way of coming out with time. Watching someone hurt themselves when they don’t have to is hard. But being dismissed, rejected, and ignored is even harder. Shouldn’t we err on the side of caution. Shouldn’t we deal with the truth instead of just doing the same things and hoping they will change.

I have good kids. 3 good kids. I have a son in college and I have been a mother for almost 20 years now. I know my kids aren’t perfect. But people love them. I have someone tell me on a regular basis how good, or hard working, or kind they are. From everybody: co-workers, ex co-workers, teachers, friends, friends parents. It is something that I am very proud of. Sure we are all born with different personalities but parents play a big part. And while I’m not now and have never claimed to be perf3ct I/we had to have done something right, right?!?! Or maybe not. Sometimes by the way people act I think “well maybe God just gave me good kids cause he knows I’m such a mess that I couldn’t handle something different”. Truly, sometimes I believe that. Because it’s sure not like too many people close to me act like I’ve done a good job!! Or seem to listen to me and think “well, she does have good kids maybe she knows a little something”.

So I’m tired. I’m frustrated and I’m pretty lonely. People say they are there or will be there. And some are. But none of them really understand or know me. They don’t trust that I know things, sometimes with no reason to know it. They put me in a box “of oh that’s just her” and they forget to look at me and really see me. They forget that I’m a person and that sometimes there are a lot of really great things about me. But I almost never hear that. I’m tired of being everyone’s cheerleader and building them up and making them feel special, just to have almost no one do the same for me.

Thanks for reading! I will stop my loud and rambling thoughts now. Be blessed!!!

How Was The Ketamine?

I thought you’d never ask.

Ketamine. I had five treatments intravenously, dosed at 0.5 mg/kg initially. The plan was to gradually increase the dose, but my body didn’t like that (weird very uncomfortable muscle spasms). So we stayed with the initial dose.

The treatments themselves turned out to be more of a chore than a vacation. My veins suck because, connective tissue badness. They are these tiny spidery things that instantly explode when touched by a needle. Therefore, I was touched by many needles in order to get five IV infusions in, and now, every halfway decent vein I had is a purple blotch, with yellow and green accents. Beautiful. Hope I don’t need any emergencytype treatment any time soon, because I donated all my veins to Vitamin “K.”

But what about my brain? You inquire. After all, she’s the star of this shitshow. The only reason I would go to such extremes of drug-taking and expense (did I mention the expense? Oy vavoy).

Let’s see…I can’t really judge how I feel by how I feel…yes, I know….really the only way to tell how I’m feeling is to look at what I’m doing, because aside from the affective part of the affective disorder, my main symptom of depression is the one where I turn into, like, a rock, moving only under extreme duress, kind of like what normal people do when they’re asleep, except in my case, I’m not asleep at all. Ever. Just. Not. Moving.

I’m still kind of lethargic, but my appetite is back. Apparently I was too depressed to notice that my appetite had gone south. I had lost over 10 lb, but my residual anorexic self was sluggishly applauding that. She’s now disgusted that I’m making omelettes at 9 a.m., as opposed to breakfasting on frozen Trader Joe’s Indian food at 5 in the afternoon. I’m moving around, noticing the extreme layer of desert dust that is covering absolutely everything. That’s a sign, noticing things. Getting up and doing something about it–that’s still in the realm of the theoretical, but at least the notion does flit through the cold molasses of my mind.

I was really hoping that the irritability part would go away. It has abated somewhat, but Atina the Wonder Doggess is still keeping an eye on me in case of explosions. I feel bad, because I grew up “walking on eggshells” around my mother, and I hate it that I give my loyal pup reason to do the same around me. I really feel like climbing into a hollow tree trunk and staying there for the rest of my assigned days.

So I would say I’ve had a partial remission. Better than none! We’ll see how long it lasts. I’m supposed to have another treatment in a couple of weeks, but I don’t yet know how or where. One minute at a time.

Goodness in People

Beautiful snow in Louisville today!

I can see the good in almost all people, not serial murderers and the like, but all normal people. Even if I don’t like someone, I can usually see their positive traits anyway. I know some people who look at other people very negatively, very critically. I think that is a disservice they do to the other person as well as to themselves. It’s sad to not see the beauty that shines through someone. It’s sad to deny that goodness exists. Does it mean that they think nothing good exists? Does it mean that they think they can be the judge that judges all? I don’t know how people become that way, possibly mimicking a parent, possibly out of insecurity, possibly both. The parent may have had insecurities, or delusions of grandeur or narcissism. Both my parents were narcissists, yet I didn’t become like them, I actively avoided it.

I’m not saying I’m perfect, by no means, but I do look for and see goodness in people.

Just some thoughts I had today.

Penny Positive #77

From An Optimist’s Calendar

♦

 

Dr. Bishop

So I went for my followup to Dr. Bishop. He decided to add in Lexapro like the doctor at the hospital did and cut my Pristiq to avoid Serotonin syndrome.  So we will see what happens. He said I did all the right things in going in and all.      He said that he was glad for my going to Psychamore’s program and hoped I would do well there.  He wants to see me back in a month so we set that up.

I still feel depressed.  Just not suicidal.  i want to crawl into bed and just stay.  But I can’t do that–too much to do, all of it good for me and my family.  I am just tired and sleepy and want to sleep some more.

Having lots of trouble staying on task with everything to do with class.  I don’t know how I’m  going to handle three more years of this.  Everyone will be sick of me by the time I finish  :).   And maybe I’ll be sick of writing by then too.  I hope not but I’m afraid of that

I need to eat lunch and fix dinner.  WIsh me well on continuing to recover.

 

 

Inertia,again

For weeks I have been running around in either full blown or half blown panic. I’ve been fortunate enough to have a few calmer down days,but also fortunate enough to not hit a ‘splat’ inertia patch.

That run ended today and I have no idea why. Nothing traumatic happened. I had every intention of going out today,we need at least one load of laundry done…but it’s nearing noon and all I have accomplished are clean clothes and nuked frozen lasagna for breakfast.

It’s hard to explain this inertia. Could it be related to starting the gabapentin? I have a long standing sensitivity to meds,either they make me strung out anxious or groggy dopey lethargy.

Today’s inertia is a mix of unexplained anxiety and a leaden paranoid ‘if I move,something bad will happen’ feeling. It’s disturbing and worse, having read some forums on reactions to yo gabba gabba…Is this the start of me taking to my bed and never wanting to leave the house?

For sure an overreaction,you can’t discern long term outcome after a few doses. But scumbag brain likes making those leaps,that way if the worst does happen,I am prepared.

It galls me to not be able to get myself moving and out the door. If I’m not going out then I have wasted clean clothes,coulda stayed in jammies. Sadly,this is what life for me has devolved into. Worrying that every time I put on clean clothes it’s gonna cost money to wash them and Spook having clean clothes for school is more important so I can stay in the same clothes a couple days straight. It’s constricting to think in these terms. It wasn’t free to do laundry when we had working washer and dryer but at least it didn’t require leaving the house or having cash on hand. Grr.

But yeah, we may have a roof overhead and it may be nicer than our trailer was but it comes with many,many downsides. Like needing $5 in gas just to go to town for food. Or doing laundry,which is tough when you can’t bring yourself to leave the house.

GET OFF YOUR ASS AND MOVE!!! I scream at myself. Some days ripping the band aid off works. This is not one of those days. And honestly as foggy as I feel,I probably shouldn’t be driving anyway. (That IS the gabapentin).

So…dirty laundry will still be there tomorrow but so will yo gabba gabba so I can’t even be sure the inertia will wear off once the current mind frame passes.

I will give the med more time before making a decision about pro v cons but any med that makes me feel too wonky to drive and puts lethargy on top of heightened anxiety…don’t need tragic h8te ball to tell me it doesn’t bode well.

Hope I am wrong and gabba gabba is my wonder drug.

I also hope to win the lottery without ever buying a ticket so my mental state is suspect at times.

Dear Parkland Students,

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Pictures Source

I have heard your frustrations about the politicians not listening to you in regards to gun control.  I am not going to get into how I feel about gun control.  What I do want to talk about my frustrations regarding mental health.

Many of you have been having your voices heard via social media, the news channels, a town hall, and even a visit to the Oval Office.

I, unlike you, can not get my voice heard.  I have a mental illness and a well known mental health advocate online.  I have written numerous letters, emails, made phone calls and even met a few visits in person to our legislators.  Although, I have heard back from President Clinton (after he was out of office), some governors, and a few local politicians, and two Congressman, all in all, I have not gotten my voice heard.

I commend you for not giving up. I have not given up either. I just can’t get my voice heard like you and am wondering why.

Every time there is a mass shooting, the media likes to talk about gun control and mental health as the main two topics as to the cause. Too quickly the main focus goes to gun control and that is probably because it is so bipartisan.  However, mental health reform does not have to be something that needs to be fought over.

There have been laws brought up on the floor of Congress and a few even passed that have dealt with mental health.  However, none of them really have helped much obviously.

The thing that bothers me the most is that when they convene study groups, they do not include people who are mentally ill.  They will include psychiatrists, politicians, physicians,some advocates, but rarely do they include people who are dealing with the mental illnesses.  We, the mentally ill, should be the first line of defense and should get our voices heard.  Just like you, Parkland High students, who have dealt with the issue at hand, we, the mentally ill, have dealt with mental illness firsthand.

You have lost 17 valuable lives and in no way am I belittling that, but do you know how many people are lost due to mental illness?  Every 62 minutes at least one person dies as a direct result from an eating disorder Source1 , 20 veterans commit suicide each day, Source2  About 13% of those suffering from Schizophrenia die from suicide.  Source3

Due to the misconceptions in the media oftentimes, I do want to point out that less than 2% of people with mental illness are violent and therefore are not any more likely to carry out a mass shooting than any other evil person.

To the Victims/Survivors of Stoneman Douglas High School: You have a voice and now I hope you can help mental health advocates, like me get a voice too.  I have written to numerous media outlets and as previously stated many politicians to no avail.   You obviously have gotten your word out.  What can I do to get heard?  I have written many blogs under the pseudonym “Bipolar Bandit” many of which deal with mental health advocacy.  I also started a FB group and FB page dealing with mental health advocacy that have approximately 45,000 members worldwide.  My blogs are read by hundreds every day and my groups and pages are very active.  My main purpose of the group and page is to unite those with mental illness for change. I also am on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest as Bipolar Bandit and the advocacy page also has a Twitter and Pinterest page.

I hope this does not fall on deaf ears and you can help me.  Mental illness played a part in the Parkland shooting and many other mass killings lately and it gets talked about after the shooting, but fades away shortly thereafter.  Let’s put a change to that!  You are the future! I hope that you can change the way people with mental illnesses are handled and help to erase the stigma.

I have written several blogs that I would like for you to read to give you an idea of the things I have attempted to do including letters I have written to politicians.

Thanks for your time.  If you have read this, I hope that you pass it on to your followers via retweeting the link or sharing on your FB page or talking to your legislators.  I also would like to hear  from you.  My email address is [email protected] or you can contact me via FB at: https://www.facebook.com/Mickey3333

I would be happy to do the same for you to better your cause.  Let’s work together and make a difference so things like this don’t keep happening.

Candidates-Do you care about the mentally ill? PROVE IT!

I Have a Dream Re: Mental Illness

Mental Illness Issue? Make Your Politicians Accountable!

The Presidential Candidates Need to Talk about Mental Health

March Madness when it comes to Politics and Mental Health

(These are just a few mental health advocacy related articles I have written.) I encourage you to join our group called Advocates for People with Mental Illnesses to help us change the system.  )

Thanks for your time.

Sincerely,

Michelle Lande Clark

“Bipolar Bandit”

[email protected]