Daily Archives: February 11, 2018

I’m Transgender. But Trust Me, I’m Just As Surprised As You Are.

I remember being wheeled into the operating room and thinking, "Am I seriously doing this?"

The Week In Review

Well I got through what felt like a marathon of a week.  It’s funny what feels like a marathon now, which was just having something to do every day.  When I was working, that was the real marathon.  Now that I am spoiled with all the time in the world to myself, having to show up somewhere every day is somewhat taxing.  Having an interview looming on Friday sort of stressed me out all week.

I signed up for a four-day Interview Workshop at the local Workforce Center, which was Monday through Thursday from 9am to 12:30 pm.  I had to get myself up quite early, as I committed myself to walking to the Workforce Center every day, which meant I had to leave the apartment at 8:15 am.  Round-trip, this was a 3.5 mile walk, which is really good for me.  The workshop was a learning and growing experience.  I wanted to learn how to sell myself better, and I wanted to stop freezing up during interviews.  The tools and skills I learned in preparing for an interview really helped a lot, and I feel like I did better in my actual interview that I had on Friday than I have done in a long time.  I also feel like over time I will get better and better as I work on the skills I learned.

There was a really nice payoff for using the Lose It! App and exercising so much last week, when I got on the scale yesterday morning I found I had lost four pounds!  It’s typical for me to sit at the same weight for quite awhile after I start making an effort, and then a chunk falls off.  It was very gratifying to see a chunk fall off and I’m encouraged to keep going.

I have mixed feelings about this job I interviewed for on Friday.  I’m not sure if it’s the right fit for me, but on the other hand I’m getting desperate for a job as my bank balance sinks lower and lower.  So, if I get it, I think I will be relieved, yet panicked.  And if I don’t get it, I will be straight up panicked.  I should hear either way by the middle of this week.  Stay tuned!

I feel like my depression has lifted somewhat, between the bump in Wellbutrin, sitting in front of my therapy light for hours and hours, and lots of exercise.  However, my unstable life keeps me feeling unbalanced and it’s hard not to be afraid.  I really crave stability – in my finances, a stable home (not this chaotic shithole of an apartment house I live in now), and stable emotions.  My goal for 2018 is stability.  I really really hope I can achieve this.

Thanks for reading, and please let me know how you are in the Comments!  Peach out!  BPOF.

Handling Hypomania and Shopping

I know it’s common when hypomania or mania hits for the bipolar person to go shopping.

The thing is, I hate shopping. Always have. Probably always will. I don’t like to shop for clothes or groceries or shoes. I don’t like to go out to stores.

Ah, but there’s always the Internet (I hear you say). You can shop without ever leaving your house, or for that matter your desk chair.

The problem is, I don’t have any money to spend on online shopping. And that’s one of the reasons I don’t have a credit card. It’s too easy to spend non-money.

What I do have are a debit card and a PayPal account. If there’s no more money on my debit card, too bad – I have to reload it (or more likely ask my husband to reload it). This requires taking money out of the bank account.

The PayPal account is where I usually get paid for the bit of writing and editing I do from home. I really should roll that money straight into the bank account.

But sometimes I don’t.

In fact, when the PayPal well is dry, it reverts to my backup payer – which is my bank account. It does this automatically. My husband never knows about it, since I’m the one who handles the online banking.

You see the problem here. I could shop to my heart’s content, and pay with PayPal/bank account as long as there was money available. Theoretically, I could bleed it dry.

Even with my meds working and all the progress I’ve made, I still get hypomania occasionally. I try to keep the shopping under control as well as I can.

There are several dresses in my closet that I never wear because I hardly ever go out, especially to places where a dress is necessary. I even have a party dress that I bought recently. It’s really becoming. But I never go to parties. I was just overwhelmed with the butterfly pattern and how cheap it was ($20).

But still, five dresses in two or three years isn’t bad, considering. (I once actually hyperventilated over a dress, and often do over amber jewelry.)

The real problems I have always had are books and music.

When I was still going out to malls and shopping centers and the like, the bookstores were always my downfall. My husband would take my arm and steer me past them, unless he was jonesing for a book too.

I’m trying to keep my online book-buying to a semi-reasonable level, too. I buy full-price books only when they’re absolutely essential – the last book Sue Grafton ever wrote, for example, which is not going to be discounted anytime soon.

For the rest of my ebook purchases, I subscribe to various newsletters that present me with cut-rate book choices every day. (Early Bird Books and Book Bub, for example). These books sell for $.99 (rarely), $1.99-$2.99 (usually), or $3.99 (occasionally). Once in a while I can even get a free classic – for instance, Tess of the D’Urbervilles or Ivanhoe (which I don’t recommend) or Journal of the Plague Year.

Back when I was going out, in the days when I did that, my other hypomanic shopping thrill was the used CD shop. I had a strategy for curbing my hypomania there, too, even though I didn’t know that hypomania was what I was feeling at the time. I would fill my little basket with everything that caught my eye.

Then I would weed. I made three piles – must haves, can pass on, and maybes. Then I would angst over the maybe pile, juggling price, artist, essential tunes, and the like until I had the piles down to something more manageable. Under budget or just a wee bit over. I can do the same with my online “cart.”

Again, this is a thing that could get me in trouble on the Internet, but since I have all those CDs and have loaded them all into iTunes, I seldom get the music shopping urge anymore.

So, yes, I do hypomanic shopping and no, I don’t let it break the bank. Just chip away at the edges.

Penny Positive #59

From An Optimist’s Calendar

Color Your World-Purple Heart

Continuing on with the color your world challenge... 120 days of color inspired by the Crayola box with, yep you guessed it! 120 crayons… Read More Color Your World-Purple Heart