Daily Archives: February 1, 2018

Lunch

WEnt out to eat with Mary Jane.  We had a good time talking and went upstairs to the bookstore and looked around and talked about books.  We had a really good time–we always do when we get together.   We’ve been friends for so long now but we are very different in so many ways. We have opposite tastes in everything–from clothes to shoes to jewelry to what we read.  But we still get along so well it’s really fun to still  be friends.

Talked to Bob last night about how frustrated I felt.  I think he understands why all of this bothers me but just doesn’t know what to tell me about it.  I know he wants me to be happy just doing the house-and-mom stuff but understands that I’m not.  And I did finally get some things accomplished yesterday so it wasn’t a total waste of a day.  I am still sending out work every day and that is one thing keeping me going is the hope that I will strike pay dirt at some point.  But a year is a long time to continue to do that.

But we will  see how everything goes. I know God is listening to me pray about it because I did get some hope for how well my blog seems to be doing lately so I know I am reaching people. That’s what I’m going for anyway.

Hope everyone has a good start to their weekend.

For Whom The Stomach Churns

I am officially…a scorching hot mess.

My stomach is churning. This situation with our living arrangement being up in the air is shredding me to bits in every way. The uncertainty and dishonesty on the part of the former landlord now property management company manager has me spinning out of control. One would think the anxiety would make me snap out of the crippling depression and into action. I wish it were that simple. How I wish it worked that way.

Instead I am frozen, paralyzed.

And definitely slipping in a bad way.

I used to be able to pay rent at the office via debit card. Now we have to submit checks or money orders and since I don’t do checks, I had to get a money order. More hassle, and extra two bucks, plus a stamp but since my car has no heat now, I didn’t relish driving all the way out there to hand deliver it. I haven’t filled out a money order in ages so that brought new anxiety. Then I dropped it in the mail box at the post office…

Only to get home and realize…I DID NOT ADDRESS THE ENVELOPE.

Enter panic. I called the post office and amazingly, got a helpful clerk who went through the outgoing mail and found my little bird stamped blank one and he addressed it for me. Thank God!

This is what happens when I start melting down. The stomach aches start, they are excrutiating. I start dropping the ball on important things, ya know, like putting close to $400 in an envelope that’s not addressed. Geesh, what’s next? I forget to turn off the stove and blow the place up because the stress is eating away at me? Because I am buried so far under the depression I can’t see a ray of sunshine anywhere?

Speaking of sunshine…Today is so cold and gray it was all I could do to put on non pajama pants and venture out into the dish. This seasonal depression is so crippling, and maddening. Every step feels like I am wearing a concrete wet suit. I eat because I get nauseated if I don’t but there’s no joy. It’s one more meaningless, exhausting task. Which is probably why I’vew started living on beef jerky and generic Lucky Charms.

Not sure how much more I can take before something very bad happens due to my discombobulated state of mind.

And I am so angry with lying landlords and property management companies and a damned psych nurse who pretty much hung me out to dry because she’s bloody incompetent. And sure, it may be misplaced and dramatic but I am a disabled person and it feels like everyone is stomping all over me without regard to that fact. And I am so paralyzed by it all I’ve stopped trying to speak up. The cashier charged me for three packs of beef jerky today (she was busy yapping on the phone) when I only had two and I didn’t even speak up. Because honestly, I’m afraid if the dam on all this anger and frustration breaks, I might well come undone in a way that results in white coated men taking me away.

I have no solutions though it seems everyone else does. Do something. Be proactive. The antithesis of depression. If I knew which way to go, I’d sure as hell go that way. But I am so confused and nervous and stressed and devoid of hope…it’s like I can’t do anything but stand still.

Though I agreed to ride with my sister to my uncle’s funeral tomorrow. I haven’t seen the man since I was ten but since it happens while my kid is at school, I feel I should go as a sign of respect. And of course, going out of town at someone else’s mercy when they drive, being thrust into a town I haven’t seen in twenty years, amidst a bunch of people I barely know…that’s an enormous trigger.

So what am I going to do?

Keep venting until I can make sense of it all, I guess. At some point, clarity has to overcome confusion, I suppose. Or the whole thing crushes me when it comes tumbling down. I’ve got so little fight left in me…I’m not sure I even care. I’d just rather get an eviction notice already rather than live in constant anxiety and doubt. 9 years of paying on time and causing no problems, I should at least be deserving of some respect and a head’s up.

Sadly I am dealing with deceptive people with zero regard for others. Sociopaths but because they have money and are successful, they are somehow better than me.

Think they should be the ones with a psych diagnosis. I am far from perfect but if there;s something I have in spades it is a conscience. To make up for all the sociopaths, I suppose.

FTW. Until my mood swings, anyway.

Mental Illness – A Blessing Or A Curse?

I had a visit yesterday with my dear friend Dee. Since we moved away I haven’t seen her often. That being said, we have the kind of friendship that transcends face to face visits, phone conversations or even email contact. We know that the other is thinking of us and we are always there for …

Penny Positive #54

From An Optimist’s Calendar

 

Day 6

Today my mood was pretty good. Nothing got me down. My husband even had to work late and I was totally chill about it.

Today the puppy was awesome and would told to go potty, she runs to the peepads and goes, like on command. It’s nice because I know she won’t (hopefully) pee on the comforter again.

Sorry I’m too stoned to write, it’s taken me forever to write this. This was not my intention, I thought that Iwould be able to write better but clearly not, eep. \_O_/

The Rexulti withdrawal was fine today on the first day of going down to 1mgs.

Color Your World – Sunset Orange

Perfect color for an AZ sunset